9: Writing Persuasive Messages
(LO 9.4; AACSB Tag: Written and oral communication)
9-29. Here are the problematic claims:
1. I am considered (By whom?)
5. Authority on employee health-insurance programs (employee health insurance is a vast
6. Universally positive feedback (No one has ever been dissatisfied about any aspect of
service? Seems hard to believe.)
7. They also love (“Love” is an awfully strong word to use here.)
8. Hundreds and hundreds of hours (This is vague; is it two hundred or nine hundred?
Does every client realize the same degree of time savings, or is this an average?)
10. Every degree of savings possible (This essentially promises perfect service; what expert
can make such a claim and deliver on it every single time?)
11. “Best advice ever!” (The best advice ever received on any topic?)
12. “An unbelievable amount” (Why is it unbelievable?)
Here is a revised version of the message:
As a recipient of America’s Health Insurance Plans 2010 Provider of the Year, I am
considered one of the country’s foremost authorities on implementing employee health
insurance programs. My clients offer positive feedback on the programs I’ve designed for
them. They also remark about how much time the programs I implement save them—an
9-30. The overall message is blandly presented; the message needs more punch through the use
of action words, colorful verbs and adjectives, and enthusiastic tone. The routine opening
does not fully catch the reader’s attention, and some of the audience will not finish reading
the brochure. This brochure would benefit from identifying a key selling point and how the
audience can benefit. The reader’s interest should be aroused before the price is mentioned.
Although the features are identified, they are not presented in an easy-to-read format. The
closing also lacks enthusiasm and needs a push for immediate action.