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Business Communication: In Person, In Print, Online
INSTRUCTOR’S GUIDE
Chapter 5
Revising Your Writing
Overview
Successful business writing is achieved through clear and accurate
wording without unnecessary jargon, clichés, and slang. Business
messages should be concise, without redundancy and wordy
expressions.
Learning Objectives
• Choose the right words for your message.
9e
Quick Links for Chapter 5
Teaching Suggestions
Resources
LO1: Choose the right words for your message.
INTRODUCE the four principles of style and the importance of clear and
concise word choice.
REFER TO exercises from the PPT to give students an opportunity to
practice choosing words. Students should be able to differentiate between
simple and confusing, and specific and general words.
CONSIDER the following responses (most general starting on the left):
• place, seaport, western seaport, San Diego, Pier 45
• activity, sport, team sport, basketball, jump ball
INSTRUCT students to change the two examples on the PPT slides to be
more specific:
• NOT: The report is very sloppy.
Resources
LO1: Choose the right words for your message.
INTRODUCE the problem of dangling modifiers. Discuss the impact of these
modifiers on clarity of a business message.
• NOT: The impending study will ascertain the feasibility of our obtaining
conciliation.
• NOT: After an hour of sitting, the chairs become uncomfortable.
• BUT: After an hour of sitting, people become uncomfortable on the
chairs. OR After sitting on the chairs for an hour, people become
uncomfortable.
• NOT: Distracted by the music, a rabbit ran in front of the car, and I hit
it.
• BUT: I was distracted by the music and hit a rabbit that ran in front of
the car.
Resources
LO1: Choose the right words for your message.
DISCUSS the importance of using natural, original language. Refer to the
PPT examples:
• NOT: It is with great enthusiasm that I am responding to your job
advertisement.
• BUT: Here’s the proposed training schedule.
Connect this exercise with the audience discussion. Thus, students may be
encouraged to identify which vocabulary choice may work for which
audience type.
INTRODUCE the problem of redundancy and wordiness. Discuss the impact
on clarity of a business message.
• NOT: The end result will be that we are completely unanimous.
• BUT: We will be unanimous.
• NOT: Each and every one of us is exactly the same.
Resources
LO1: Choose the right words for your message.
• BUT: Our employee benefits are better than our competitors’.
To vary the exercise, ask students to exchange drafts of written messages
they currently may be working on and have their partners revise them to
eliminate wordiness and redundancy.
GIVE students a few minutes to read these examples on their own.
Facilitate a discussion about which example works best for what purpose
and audience. All are correct, but each emphasizes a different subject.
INSTRUCT students to comment on each other’s writing using Track
Changes in Word. In a computer lab or on laptops, have students work in
two rounds to exchange drafts they are working on. For the first round, ask
students to comment on audience perspective, content, and organization;
for the second round, ask them to focus on writing style and mechanics.
INSTRUCT students to return to their original draft and review the changes.
What feedback surprises them? What is most and least helpful?
Resources
LO2: Write effective sentences.
INTRODUCE ways to write effective sentences for business messages by
using a variety of sentence types, appropriate active and passive voice,
and parallel structure.
INSTRUCT students to complete the PPT active voice exercise. Explain
that passive voice is not the same as past, present, or future tense.
• PASSIVE: Too many lobsters have been ordered by the chef.
• ACTIVE: The chef ordered too many lobsters.
• PASSIVE: Our quarterly sales numbers will be confirmed by the
auditors.
INSTRUCT students to complete the PPT exercise on parallel structure.
Here are sample revisions:
• We used the following food criteria for our restaurant evaluation:
taste, variety, and presentation.
Resources
LO2: Write effective sentences.
• Give a presentation
• Follow up with Accounting
To vary the activity, ask students to complete a similar task making
parallel lists (including bulleted lists) they find in their own drafts.
Encourage students to share results with the class to check for
correctness.
Resources
LO3: Develop logical paragraphs.
INTRODUCE ways to develop logical paragraphs through appropriate
length, unity, and coherence.
Resources
LO3: Develop logical paragraphs.
Resources
LO4: Convey an appropriate tone.
INTRODUCE the concept of tone in business writing and its impact on
the audience.
INSTRUCT students to work in teams. Ask each team to search social
media sites for poorly or inefficiently written posts that lack the
audience perspective.
INSTRUCT each team to compile a list of “five most common mistakes”
companies make when communicating through social media.
Encourage students to use the textbook material on conveying an
appropriate tone through confidence, appropriate emphasis, positive
language, “you” attitude, etc.
Additionally, each team may be asked to prepare a short in-class
Resources
LO4: Convey an appropriate tone.
presentation of their guidelines for companies that want to improve
their communication with online audiences.
INSTRUCT students to rewrite the PPT examples to sound more or less
confident:
Solutions to Exercises
The 3Ps in Practice: Revising an Email to Employees
Process
1. What do you want to accomplish with this email?
I want to announce the summer dress policy with clear guidelines and a professional tone.
2. What, specifically, do employees need to know?
The summer dress policy allows employees to wear more casual clothes, but attire must
be modest and business appropriate.
3. What works well in this email draft?
4. What could be improved in this message?
Because this message will be sent to over 300 employees, a more formal tone is
Product
To: Corporate Staff
From: Benjamin Porter
Subject: New Summer Dress Code
Dear Corporate Employees,
We are pleased to announce a summer dress code. From June 1 through August 31, you may
leave your suits at home and wear more casual clothes.
This should make us all a bit more comfortable, but let’s still represent the company well. If
you have any questions about what is considered appropriate attire for the summer, please
ask Janet or Martin in the Human Resources office.
1. Announce a new initiative using clear, simple language.
Students should remember their audience: employees with little experience investing
money. Students should avoid jargon and use familiar words, concrete language, and a direct
method of communication. Below is a sample email.
To: All Employees
From: Katherine Stevens, CEO
Subject: Planning for Retirement
Good Morning, Employees,
It’s never too early to begin planning for retirement, and it’s easier than you think.
The best part about saving to a retirement account is how much the money grows. Let’s say
you contribute just $10 from every paycheck starting when you’re 21 years old. The
company matches 50%, so we’ll contribute an extra $5 each pay period. Assuming a 7%
growth rate, by the time you’re 65 years old, you’ll have more than $ 106,000!
2. Write clearly and avoid slang.
3. Revise to eliminate dangling expressions.
a) While driving through Chicago in the fog, I found the street signs hard to read.
b) Despite maintaining excellent relations with the major financial institutions, the
Federal Reserve banks are still not doing as much as they had expected.
4. Evaluate concrete language.
Students will find different descriptions more or less helpful depending on their knowledge and
5. Analyze a simple explanation of a complex topic.
Encourage students to choose a topic that interests them. Students should notice how the visuals
support the words to clearly explain a complicated topic (for example, the video on CFL light bulbs at
