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6. Use simple language:
A sample revision follows.
The lucky girl was thrilled when her famous fashion employer chose her to represent
7. Use specific and concrete words:
A sample revision follows.
To increase sales, Apple is lowering prices between 5% and 50% on MacBooks, iPods,
8. Eliminate wordy expressions.
a) Push the red button if you see smoke rising from the cooking surface. (Wordy
phrase: in the event that)
b) More than 40 percent of the people polled believe government spending should
be reduced. (Wordy phrase: are of the opinion that)
f) The newest sports automobile trend is to install leather seats. (Wordy phrase:
made out of)
g) Google is now taking applications for job positions, even though they just laid off
employees. (Wordy phrases: at this point in time, in spite of the fact that)
9. Eliminate hidden verbs and hidden subjects.
a) The jury needs to review the case to decide whether the actress violated her
alcohol probation.
b) For our road trip during spring break, we must calculate our driving travel time
from California to New York.
c) If you cannot pay for the $135 tickets, you will not be able to visit (or go)
backstage at the Lollapalooza concerts.
10. Identify types of sentences.
a) Complex: Now that she has found her true love (dependent clause), "The
Bachelorette" wants women everywhere to know that it is worth it to wait for the
right guy (independent clause).
b) Compound: Hillary went to see the new branch manager (independent clause),
but the manager had gone to lunch (independent clause).
f) Complex: Everyone seems to be feeding off the intensity at the physically
challenging football camp (independent clause), particularly the defensive tackles
who often sport aggressive expressions (dependent clause).
g) Complex: The milestone homer provided an encouraging lift (independent clause)
during a trying stretch for the baseball team (dependent clause).
11. Practice writing different types of sentences.
a) Simple: The smartphone will be available on Wednesday and will have more
features than the older model.
b) Simple: The captain got promoted to a major today and will lead the army into
battle.
c) Simple: Tim was given a promotion and was assigned additional responsibilities.
Compound: Tim was given a promotion; consequently, he was assigned additional
responsibilities.
Complex: After additional responsibilities were assigned to him, Tim was given a
promotion.
12. Practice sentence variety.
Smartfood, founded by Ann Withey, Andrew Martin, and Ken Meyers in 1984, was the first snack
food to combine white cheddar cheese and popcorn. Withey perfected the Smartfood recipe in
13. Vary sentence length.
By intentionally writing sentences of varied length, students will see the different characteristics
14. Use active and passive voice.
Sentence Example
Active or Passive Voice?
Appropriate Use? (If not,
then rewrite the sentence.)
a) A very effective sales
letter was written by Paul
Mendelson.
Passive.
Paul Mendleson wrote a very
effective sales letter.
(Change to emphasize and
compliment the actor.)
with passive voice.)
15. Check and revise sentences for parallel structure.
Determine whether the following sentences use parallel structure. Revise sentences as
needed to make the structure parallel.
a) The executive at Ernst & Young writes reports quickly, accurately, and in detail.
This sentence uses parallel structure.
16. Order sentences into a logical paragraph (Kelvin Electronics).
Students may find this challenging! Highlighted words give clues about the
sequencing.
Both Kelvin Electronics and PC Richards pay a higher starting salary than we
offer, and neither has the commission cap that we have in place. (Most likely
follows the introduction of the compensation issue by giving some examples.)
5
In the past year, we have had a 40% turnover in sales staff.
2
We need to reevaluate the sales compensation plan. (Broadest topic sentence)
1
17. Order sentences into a logical paragraph (Honda Accord).
This is another challenging exercise.
The Accord has 17-inch alloy wheels.
2
The car’s wide-opening doors provide easy access to the interior. (This
sentence may imply that the exterior was discussed earlier.)
3
From here, it may make most sense to start from the exterior view of the
car.)
sentence.)
The one-touch power moonroof with tilt is easy to operate.
4
18. Order sentences into a logical paragraph (Nick’s Pizza).
But, as Nick says, “I decided I needed to do what felt like the right thing to
do: communicate openly, clearly, and honestly.”
4
Going against the advice of his publicist and his banker, Nick decided to send
an email explaining the situation to his customers and asking for their
2
19. Use transitions for paragraph coherence.
The Honda Accord is a well-designed, functional car that will attract attention. Buyers
will first notice the Accord’s 17-inch alloy wheels. Also, the car’s wide-opening doors
20. Insert transitions for paragraph coherence.
Insert logical transitions in the blanks to give the following paragraph coherence:
Bits ’n’ Bytes is widening its lead over Desktop Computing in the computer -magazine war.
21. Adjust paragraph length.
Read the following paragraph and determine how it might be divided into two or more
shorter paragraphs to help the reader follow the complex topic being discussed.
Transforming a manuscript into a published book requires several steps. After the author
submits the manuscript, the copy editor makes any needed grammatical or spelling changes.
The author reviews these changes to be sure that they haven’t altered the meaning of any
sentences or sections.
22. Revise to convey an appropriate tone.
Doubtful statements: If you believe, I hope, it is possible, even though
Arrogant statement: I know you will agree
Presumptuous statement: to tell me that you have accepted
I am requesting that $50,000 be allocated for a pilot study to confirm profit estimates. Once
23. Revise to convey a confident tone.
Doubtful statements: Can you think of any reason, I hope you agree, you might try
Arrogant statements: Of course, I am confident
24. Revise this passage to avoid platitudes, obvious flattery, and
exaggeration.
Exaggerations: our loyal and dedicated employees; faithful and dependable service
Obvious flattery: most qualified and the hardest working (Although complimenting
employees for good work can provide positive motivation, the accusatory statements and
platitudes included in the paragraph would lead the reader to believe that the compliments
are not sincere.)
Blunt statement: Please do not be fooled
We have many loyal and dedicated employees at First National, and we want you to be happy
with your jobs and the benefits you receive. It has been brought to my attention that an
organizational meeting for union representation was held here last week. Although the current
economy has prevented us from raising wages, and we know that this has been frustrating for all
of you, we want to make sure that you feel that you are being treated fairly.
25. Vary emphasis in a memo.
Responses should show that students have used the techniques of emphasis. For the
recommendation to have credibility, the reader must understand the relative importance
attached to each characteristic.
Memo 1 Recommending Elizabeth Larson
Major criterion for position: Personality
Memo 2 Recommending Carl Barteolli
Major criterion for position: Experience
The emphasis here should be on the importance of sales experience. Students can assume
that Barteolli has been successful in previous jobs; therefore, he has the personal ity needed
26. Use positive language.
Negative language: cannot issue, did not enclose, sorry, have to delay, we are not like,
disappear, will not hold up, refusal, do not have to charge, outlandish premiums
27. Make a positive impression.
Revise the following signs often seen in stores:
a) “Guests must have proper attire for service.”
28. Stress the “you” attitude in sentences.
Revise the following sentences to make the reader the center of attention.
a) Your scholarship donation will enable me to attend a four-year college.
29. Stress the “you” attitude in a paragraph.
“We” attitude phrases: we are happy to, we are offering, we will be selling, we have, we
originally purchased, we planned, our investment plans, our lot
30. Use a “you” attitude and positive language.
Students may change the subject line in addition to the body of this email. An interesting
point of discussion is whether students chose to acknowledge the members’ frustration. This
may depend on how widespread and vehement the frustration was throughout the club. In
this example, the writer just hints at the emotion by acknowledging “your patience.”
To: Teed-Off Country Club Members
From: Brenda Johnson, Facilities Manager
Subject: Restaurant Will Open on March 31
31. Emphasize receiver benefits.
a) You can trust us to repair your sewing machine expertly because we have
more than 40 years of experience.
Company Scenario:
Writeaway Hotels
Students should apply the writing techniques
they have learned in this chapter. Watch that
students have considered style, formality,
language choice, conciseness, sentence variation, and grammar. Challenge students to think
about how the email writing process is different when there is no time constraint.
See below for email revisions and advice.
Revision 1:
Diana,
Our working relationship is very important to me, and I’ll do everything possible to maintain it. I
apologize if I conveyed anything different to you.
Advice: Although you may be good friends with Diana, emails regarding business should maintain
a level of formality. You can assure her of her importance to you, but in a less informal way. Also,
because you failed to make the call, sound apologetic in your email to let her know it was indeed
Revision:
Dear Ron,
Yes, I am available tomorrow morning at 10:00 to discuss the situation with you. I will meet you
at your office.
Pat
Advice: If this sexual harassment complaint becomes a full investigation, this email could become
