Lecture Notes
Chapter 8: Personal Relationships
Outline and Key Terms
I. What Are Personal Relationships?
A. Social Relationships
1. Participants are interchangeable.
2. Participants communicate using socially understood norms and roles.
3. People involved do not necessarily share a close relationship.
B. Personal Relationships
1. Participants are irreplaceable.
2. Participants communicate in close, unique ways.
II. Benefits of Personal Relationships
A. Relationships and What You Know
1. Everyday communication reinforces both our relationships and what we
know.
2. All forms of communication show how we rely on our connections with
others to filter knowledge and to help us critically evaluate events, people,
and situations.
a. The people we know and with whom we spend time affect our
knowledge.
b. These people influence the messages we send or attend to.
c. These people influence the information we believe.
d. These people influence the type of critical thinking we do.
e. These people influence how we evaluate outcomes.
3. Relationships are significant in the process, the formation, and
transaction of knowledge.
B. Influencing What You Know
1. Relationships exert influence on the distribution of information.
2. We tell secrets to friends, but not to strangers.
3. News travels through networks of people who know each other.
4. Certain information is shared through social networks.
C. Evaluating What You Know
1. Communicating with others offers opportunities for people to test their
knowledge of the world.
2. People may challenge or support our beliefs and views of the world.
3. People typically prefer to associate with those who share similar
attitudes and beliefs.
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4. We tend to respect the judgments of friends and enjoy talking with them
because they often reinforce what we believe.
D. Relationships and Support
1. Robert Weiss identified six provisions of relationships:
a. Belonging and a sense of reliable alliance.
1) Feeling connected with others provides a sense of stability and
provides feelings of comfort.
2) Relationships also enable people to feel that someone is there
for them if they are ever in need of assistance.
3) Sometimes there may be a desire for people to state this support
explicitly.
b. Emotional integration and stability
1) Personal relationships also provide people with opportunities to
express and evaluate emotions.
2) People experience emotions physically (i.e., increased heart
rate) but rely on societal and relational definitions to understand
what they are experiencing (i.e., anger, love, fear).
3) A person’s understandings of and reactions to emotions have
developed in large part through the ways they are experienced and
discussed by people within his or her social network.
c. Opportunity to talk about oneself
1) This activity is not only enjoyable but also provides
opportunities to derive other relational provisions, such as those
mentioned above and some mentioned below.
2) People like to talk about themselves and have someone listen
because it makes them feel valuable.
d. Opportunity to help others
1) People also like the feeling of being there for others.
2) Assisting people with whom a relationship is shared can offer
the provider of that support with equal if not surpassed personal
benefits.
e. Provision of physical support
1) Physical support would include needing help from others to
move a heavy piano, help fix your computer, or look after your pet
rat while you are on vacation.
2) Friends specifically are expected to provide one another with
routine physical assistance.
f. Reassurance of worth and value
1) Relationships show you how other people see the world, how
they represent/present it, what they value in it, what matters to
them, and how your own way of thinking fits in with theirs.
2) Our worth and value as a human being are reassured.
III. Initiating Relationships: The Relationship Filtering Model
A. Talking to Strangers
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1. If people did not talk to strangers, personal relationships would never
develop.
2. When we meet strangers, all we have to go on initially is how they look
and sound.
a. We seek missing information by asking questions.
b. Topics tend to be noncontroversial, such as your general
background and perhaps some basic personal views and interests.
c. Seemingly trivial bits of information actually provide
background information that can be useful to new acquaintances.
d. Pieces of information are important in building pictures of
themselves for others to perceive and evaluate.
e. Both parties are engaged in the filtering process.
B. Steps in the Relationship Filtering Model
1. The Relationship Filtering Model suggest that people pay attention to different
cues in sequence as they get to know one another.
a. The sequence in which you pay attention to the cues is basically the
sequence in which you encounter them: physical appearance,
behavior/nonverbal communication, roles, and attitudes/personality.
b. At each point in the sequence, some people are filtered out as people
you do not want as partners.
2. Appearance
a. When we first meet someone, we may make assumptions about
him or her just based on appearance.
b. We observe their age, race, sex, dress, number of tattoos and
body piercings, height, and physical attractiveness.
c. We make inferences from such cues to the inner world of
meaning.
d. The relationship filtering model assumes that we filter out
people who do not appear to support our ways of seeing the world
and would therefore not be a prospect for a personal relationship.
3. Behavior/Nonverbal Communication
a. The way that one someone acts is a fairly accurate way of
determining some aspects of how they think.
b. Their inner world of meanings, beliefs, and values about
themselves is exhibited through their behaviors and actions.
c. Deductions/assumptions may be accurate or inaccurate.
d. We determine in part whether they view the world in the same
manner as we do.
4. Roles
a. The way a person thinks and his or her view of the world can
also be determined by the performance of roles, both formal and
informal.
b. Roles can be formal or informal and in both cases can provide
information about how a person thinks and sees the world.
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c. Formal roles have specific expectations, while informal roles are
defined more broadly.
d. Observing the role enactment of someone enables people to
strengthen, modify, and correct their understanding of the ways in
which that person views the world.
5. Attitude/Personality
a. The ultimate goal of the filtering process is to build the best
model we can make of someone’s belief structures and personality.
b. The more we understand someone and the more he or she
appears to support our world of meaning, the more we like it.
c. This final filter is based on exact information about someone’s
personality as derived from self-disclosure.
6. In all of our filtering interactions, we are really trying to find out what people
are like at the level of their deeper worlds of meaning, so we aim all the questions we ask
and all the communication strategies we adopt toward finding these deeper selves.
7. The more fully we understand somebody, the more we understand how
he or she thinks.
a. Relationship development is dependent on the interpretation of
this information.
b. The relationship grows not from the information that we learn
about the other person but from how we “go beyond” it by making
inferences about a person’s worlds of meaning.
IV. Transacting and Maintaining Personal Relationships
A. Composing Relationships Through Communication
1. Relationships are partly essentialized and indexed through
communication—relationships are brought into existence (transacted)
through communication and types of relationships are categorized
accordingly through communication.
2. The essential function of talk happens when talk makes the
relationships real or talks it into being.
3. The use of coupling references and assumptions about the
relationship’s existence made when communicating are examples of
this sort of talk.
4. The indexical function of talk demonstrates or indicates the nature of the
relationship between speakers.
5. What you say and how you say it reveals intimacy levels, power differences,
and other characteristics of relationships.
B. Transforming Relationships
1. Relationships are transformed through communication.
2. When the type of relationship shared moves from one to another
(acquaintances to friends, dates to romantic partners, lovers to enemies, or
spouses to divorcés), we are moving across the boundaries between
different types of relationships in our culture.
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a. Relationship development and transformation can be seen as a
change in communication based on the information individuals
know (or have assumed) about each other’s ways of thinking about
the world.
b. Any change in a relationship involves change in content of talk
and the style of communication.
3. The transformation of a relationship is generally the result of at least
one partner, if not both, driving it toward more or less intimacy.
a. More intimacy may be achieved by introducing intimate topics
and changing to more relaxed styles of talk.
b. Less intimacy may be achieved by avoiding the discussion of
intimate topics and engaging in talk that is sharper and less
welcoming.
C. Relationship Talk: Direct
1. Relationship transformation can also occur through communication
about the relationship that may be direct or indirect.
a. People engage in direct relational communication in special
ways, on special occasions, and with very special care.
b. Any direct talk about a relationship forces the partners to focus
on its explicit definition.
2. People often have difficulty raising and discussing certain topics in a
relationship.
3. Cultural differences also emerge in how talk about a relationship is
perceived .
4. We cannot talk about the relationship without ending up somehow
defining it and its meaning to the two partners involved, and for at least
one of them, the result may be unwanted.
5. The best outcome is that the two people agree to see the relationship in
a particular way that they both accept.
D. Relationship Talk: Indirect
1. Most communication about a relationship, and the communication that
most often results in transforming relationships, is indirect.
2. Flirtation is one of the key ways people push the envelope in
relationships through indirect communication.
3. Flirtation is a safe way to propose relationship growth.
a. Flirtation generally serves as an indirect form of a relationship
question.
b. Flirtation can be taken as a simple statement of fact, a friendly
joke, or something more sexually or relationally loaded.
E. Keeping Relationships Going Through Communication
1. Communication maintains relationships when people are apart.
2. Sigman (1991) called this sort of communication relational continuity
constructional units (RCCUs).
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a. They are simple conversational symbols that indicate a
relationship continues to exist even when the partners are
physically distant.
b. These symbols can be divided into prospective, introspective,
and retrospective types.
3. Prospective units provide recognition that an interaction is about to end
but the relationship continues.
a. Any form of communication that suggests the likelihood of the
partner’s return is considered a prospective unit.
b. Sigman (1991) referred to nonverbal evidence as “spoors,”
like the track marks made by deer in snow, that indicate the
partner’s previous physical presence (and expected return).
4. Introspective units are direct indications of a relationship’s existence
during the physical absence of one partner.
a. Prospective units note that the absence is about to happen.
b. Introspective units acknowledge that the absence already has
happened.
5. Retrospective units directly recognize the end of an absence and the
reestablishment of the relationship through actual interaction.
a. The most familiar nonverbal example is a hug or handshake or
kiss upon greeting.
b. The most common forms of conversation that fit this category
are catch-up conversations and talk about the day.
c. By reporting on their experiences during the day, partners
emphasize their psychological togetherness, as well as a shared
interest in one another’s lives and the events that happened in those
lives during their physical separation.
F. Relational Dialectics
1. Relational dialectics is the study of contradictions in relationships, how
they are played and how they are managed.
2. A contradiction involves the interplay between two things that are
connected at the same time they are in opposition.
a. Competing needs within relationships make up these
contradictions.
b. These needs are necessary in any relationship and must all be
satisfied in one way or another.
3. People in relationships strive to strike a balance between these needs.
a. They inevitably are drawn to one need or the other.
b. When one need is satisfied, the competing need must be
addressed, and you are drawn to satisfy that one.
4. In relationships, there is a need to spend time with and away from our
partner.
5. There is constant change in our relationship.
a. There is nothing stable about relationships.
b. They are always changing.
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c. Change is a fundamental component of personal relationships.
6. Praxis suggests that “people are at once actors and objects of our own
actions” (Baxter & Montgomery, 1996, p. 13).
a. We make a lot of choices in relationships.
b. The actions we perform as an actor will have consequences that
will affect us.
c. How we manage relational contradictions will have an impact on
us, our partner, and the relationship.
7. Totality emphasizes the complex nature of personal relationships.
a. Contradictions must be understood as being interconnected with
other contradictions.
b. Contradictions must also be understood in the cultural, physical,
and situational contexts in which they occur and in which they are
managed.
c. Contradictions must be understood as being experienced by
everyone in a relationship.
d. Others do not experience contradictions the same way at the
same time or need them to the same degree.
8. Internal and External Dialectics
a. Internal dialectics are those occurring within a relationship
itself and involve contradictions within a romantic relationship, a
friendship, a family, a group at work, and so on.
1) Connectedness-Separateness (Connection-Autonomy)
2) Certainty-Uncertainty (Novelty-Predictability)
3) Openness-Closedness
b. External dialectics are those involving a relational unit and
other relational units or people within their social networks and
include contradictions involving a romantic couple and other
romantic couples or involving a romantic couple and their family
members.
1) Inclusion-Seclusion
2) Conventionality-Uniqueness
3) Revelation-Concealment
V. Coming Apart
A. Symptoms and Sources of Decline
1. Six symptoms and sources of decline in personal relationships.
2. Deterioration in communication strikes at the heart of personal
relationships.
a. A reduction in the usual amount of communication
b. A reduction in quality of communication
c. A negative tone of communication
d. Communicating becomes problematic and labored rather than
smooth and seemingly uncomplicated.
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3. Destructive conflict may become prominent and overshadow more
positive elements of the relationship.
4. Changes in evaluative standards refer to changes in assessment
that can be due to changes in the relationships itself, such as a
deterioration of communication.
a. Changes can be the result in changes in the standards used to
evaluate a relationship.
b. Relationships are also evaluated by comparing them to
alternatives and determining whether we are getting as much or
more out of them as the effort we are putting in.
5. Major transgressions could be what many people might consider deal-
breakers in a relationship, such as cheating or a similar offense or betrayal.
a. Not everyone agrees on what a major transgression would be.
b. A major transgression does not necessarily mean the end of a
relationship.
c. It is not the action itself that causes relationships to end.
d. Wood (2000) notes that “the meaning partners assign to events
and the ways they manage the events shape how the problems will
affect a relationship and the possibility of repair” (p. 232).
6. Inequity refers to people determining that they are putting more into
the relationship than they are receiving.
a. People generally want to feel as if they are being treated equally
and fairly.
b. People do not want feel as if they are doing all the work in a
relationship while the other person is doing little or nothing at all.
7. Personal reflection refers to the fact that people spend a great deal of
time away from their relational partners, providing many opportunities to
think about and evaluate their relationship.
a. Personal reflection can be positive or negative.
b. Personal reflection can lead to positive evaluation and growth of
a relationship.
c. During periods of decline, however, things seem a bit more
negative than they may have seemed otherwise.
B. Breakdown Process Model
1. In the intrapsychic process, a person reflects on the strengths and
weaknesses of a relationship.
a. He or she considers whether or not the relationship should be
ended.
b. When a person is dissatisfied with his or her relationship, the
advantages of leaving are highlighted over the disadvantages of
staying.
c. A person tends to withdraw, reflects alone, and pulls back from
his or her partner.
2. The dyadic process entails confronting the partner and openly
discussing a problem with the relationship.
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a. Confrontation may be unpleasant or lead to greater
understanding and forgiveness.
b. Partners may decide to actively work on improving the
relationship, take a break from the relationship, or end the
relationship.
c. Some people choose not to engage in this process and
terminate the relationships without any discussion.
3. The social process involves telling other people in one’s social network
about the relationship problem.
a. A person actively seeks greater contact and communication with
third parties to get advice, to cry on someone’s shoulder, to get
supportive commentary, or to have his or her evaluation of
the partner confirmed.
b. A person is seeking either help to keep the relationship together
or support for his or her version of why it has come apart.
c. This person is laying the groundwork for ending the relationship.
4. The grave dressing process involves creating the story of why a
relationship died and erecting a metaphorical tombstone that summarizes
its main points from birth to death.
a. This process involves storytelling.
b. The usual form of breakup story follows a narrative structure
that portrays the speaker as a dedicated but alert relater who went
into the relationship realizing it was not perfect and needed work.
c. It is possible that both partners were mature enough to realize
their relationship was not going to work out, so they made the
tough but realistic decision to break it off.
d. Inherent within the grave dressing process and often included in
breakup stories is praise for the relationship.
5. The resurrection process deals with the ways people prepare
themselves for new relationships after ending an old one.
a. The end of a particular relationship is not the end of all relational
life.
b. Once a relationship has finished, one of people’s major tasks is
to begin seeking a replacement (rebound).
c. The resurrection process involves preparing oneself to reemerge
as a relational being.
d. This process is both public and private.
e. Publicly, a person is positioned in a positive manner and as
someone capable of being in a relationship.
f. Privately, a person comes to terms with past mistakes and
difficulties, while determining what he or she wants to get out of
future relationships and how past mistakes and difficulties will be
avoided in the future.
Instructor Resource
Duck/McMahan, Communication in Everyday Life, 3e
SAGE, 2018