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Virginia Military Academy: http://www.vmi.edu/
The Citadel: http://citadel.edu/
Military Schools—Military Schools for Boys: http://www.army-
navyacademy.com/
NOW (National Organization for Women): http://www.now.org/
After entering the site, go to the issues tab and select “women in the military.”
References
Spender, D. (1989). Invisible women: The schooling scandal. London: Women’s Press.
Sadker, M., & Sadker, D. (1994). Failing at fairness: How America’s schools shortchange girls.
New York: Simon and Schuster. Go to Amazon.com to read reviews of this book.
Chapter 9: Gendered Close Relationships
I.
The Meaning of Personal Relationships
A.
Personal relationships are those in which friends and romantic partners depend
upon each other for various things ranging from material assistance to affection.
Partners regard each other as unique individuals who cannot be replaced. Of the
many relationships we form, only a few become really personal.
B.
Research demonstrates that people often choose friends and romantic partners who
are similar to themselves in terms of age, gender, race, sexual orientation, and
socioeconomic status. LGBTQ individuals are more likely to refer to friends as
“family.”
C.
Models of Personal Relationships
1.
Some scholars argue that masculine approaches to relationships are inferior
to feminine ones, while others thin the two styles are equally valid.
2.
The Male Deficit Model
a.
The male deficit model suggests that men are less skilled than
women in developing and sustaining personal relationships.
b.
The fundamental assumption is that personal, emotional talk is the
hallmark of intimacy and women generally self-disclose more than
men.
c.
Media often represent men as emotionally lacking and women as
naturally adept at relationships.
3.
The Alternate Paths Model
a.
The alternate paths model asserts that there are different and
equally valid paths to closeness.
a.
While this model agrees with the male deficit model that
socialization is the source of differences between feminine and
masculine styles of relating, it departs in two different ways. First, it
does not presume masculine people lack feelings or emotional
depth. Second, it argues masculine people express closeness in an
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alternate way.
b.
This model points out that Western culture relies on a feminine
ruler to define and measure closeness, which falsely measures
masculine modes of caring.
c.
Instead of self-disclosure, masculine people tend to express closeness
by doing things together. This does not mean, however, that they
don’t self-disclose or engage in emotional talk.
d.
Expectations and behavior in close relationships can also vary in
response to a friend’s gender. The more information a man shares on
a social networking site, the more likely a viewer is to pursue social
interactions with him, but women, the opposite is true. Both men and
women judge a friend more harshly for betraying confidence if that
friend is female.
II.
Gendered Styles of Friendship
A.
There are many similarities between the friendship. Regardless of sex or gender, most
individuals value close friends and invest in them. Most people use both feminine and
masculine approaches to friendship.
B.
Women are more likely to communicate face-to-face and men usually interact side by
side.
C.
Feminine Friendships: Closeness in Dialogue
1.
A majority of women talk as the primary way to build and enrich
friendships. Consequently, many share personal feelings, experiences,
fears, problems, and daily lives to get to know each other.
2.
Women tend to maintain higher expectations for their friends in matters
related to trust and intimacy and communication tends to be empathetic,
expressive, and supportive.
3.
Because women are generally socialized to be attentive, emotionally
supportive, and caring, it can be difficult for women friends to cope with
feelings of envy and competitiveness toward friends.
4.
Female friends often discuss the qualities and dimensions of their
relationships explicitly.
5.
Women’s friendships are often characterized by breadth that introduces
friends to many different aspects of each other’s lives.
D.
Masculine Friendships: Closeness in the Doing
1.
Many boys learn to ground their friendships in shared activities,
particularly sports.
2.
The phrase “closeness in the doing” describes the way many men build
friendships. When men do talk, they often talk about activities.
3.
Men’s friendships have an instrumental focus, in which men do things
to help one another out.
4.
Men tend to talk indirectly about their serious feelings with other
men. Often serious emotional issues are shrouded in “joke talk” or
friends will suggest diversionary tactics to take a friend’s mind off
his troubles.
5.
Men’s relationships may involve covert intimacy, in which affection is
signaled through teasing, friendly competition, playful punches, and
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the like as a means of demonstrating care. They are also more likely to
offer invisible support in response to a particular stressor or event
where the recipient doesn’t have it as support.
6.
Men’s friendships tend to be narrower in scope than women’s
friendships, with different friends for various spheres of interest.
E.
Friendships across Gender
1.
Because of the high emphasis we place on gender in our culture, women
and men may see each other in sexual terms.
2.
For many women, a primary benefit of friendships with men is a
less emotionally intense relationship.
3.
Men report getting more emotional support and release from their
friendships with women.
4.
Both men and women report receiving more emotional support from
female than male friends. In cross-sex friendships, men generally talk more
and get more attention and support than they offer.
III.
Gendered Romantic Relationships
A.
Gender roles are most salient in heterosexual romantic relationships—the script is
well-known to most of us.
B.
Developing Romantic Intimacy
1.
Heterosexual men and women seek fairly traditionally masculine and
feminine partners with men prioritizing physical attractiveness and
sexiness and women prioritizing status and success.
2.
Heterosexual men are more likely to misinterpret their financial worth and
heterosexual women are more likely to enhance physical attractiveness
and misrepresent their weight. Gay men’s profiles tend to emphasize
masculinity and physical fitness.
3.
Research indicates that men tend to fall in love faster and harder than women.
a.
Men tend to express love in more impulsive and sexual
ways than women, whose styles of loving tend to be more
pragmatic and friendship focused.
b.
Heterosexual men are far more likely to regard sexual
infidelity as more distressing than emotional infidelity.
4.
Attitudes toward sexual behavior, while less rigid than in the past, still
indicate that women who express sexuality openly or have nontraditional
relationships are judged more harshly than men.
a.
Cisgender, heterosexual women tend to engage in sex for intimacy
and commitment reasons, while cisgender heterosexual men are
more often motivated by lust and physical pleasure.
b.
Lesbians place a greater premium on monogamy and gay men
report greater comfort with open relationships.
5.
Women, regardless of sexual orientation, are more likely than men to focus
on relationship dynamics.
6.
Committed heterosexual relationships tend to continue to reflect
cultural values and beliefs, with men as the head of the family and
primary wage earner and women as primarily in charge of domestic
aspects of the relationship.
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7.
Gay and lesbian relationships are not as bound by roles. Their
commitments often resemble best-friend relationships with the added
aspects of sexuality and romance.
C.
Gendered Patterns in Committed Relationships
1.
Gendered Modes of Expressing Affection
a.
Women tend to create and express closeness through personal,
self- disclosive talk. Men rely more on instrumental displays of
affection.
b.
For women, ongoing conversation about feelings and daily activities
is a primary way to express personal relationships, but men find it
pointless to talk unless there is a problem.
c.
There is cultural bias toward feminine forms of expressing love,
often not recognizing instrumental displays of affection.
d.
Lesbian and gay couples may share perspectives about how to
communicate affection. Lesbians generally build the most
expressive and nurturing communication climates of any type of
couple.
2.
Gendered Preferences for Autonomy and Connection
a.
Masculine individuals tend to want greater autonomy and less
connection than feminine people, whose relative priorities are
generally the reverse.
b.
Desires for different degrees of autonomy and connection frequently
generate friction. Many couples engage in a pattern called demand-
withdraw, in which one partner feels distant so attempts to engage in
close, personal talk leaving the other feeling stifled by the discussion.
c.
More damaging, though, is the tendency to interpret each other’s
behavior according to gendered rules that don’t apply. Respect for
different needs for autonomy and connection is essential to a
successful relationship.
3.
Gendered Responsibility for Relational Health
a.
Lesbian couples tend to be sensitive to interpersonal dynamics and
interesting in talking about their relationship and working through
problems.
b.
Heterosexual couples do not distribute responsibility for relational health
as well. Both men and women tend to assume women should take
primary responsibility for relational maintenance. tend to share
responsibility for the relationship.
c.
Expectations for one partner’s responsibilities for ensuring relational
health burdens them with keeping a relationship satisfying. Research
shows highest couple satisfaction when both partners share
responsibility for the relationship.
4.
Gendered Power Dynamics
a.
Historically, the person who earns the most money has the greater
power, and in heterosexual relationships, that person has traditionally
been male. Gay and lesbian couples report a greater desire for shared
power and decision-making.
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b.
The belief that men should be the primary breadwinners doesn’t
match reality for a growing number of heterosexual households.
c.
People who adhere to traditional gender role views in marriages are
more likely to experience decreases in self-esteem and marital
satisfaction if the woman earns more money.
d.
In heterosexual relationships, women tend to do more work in the
home, including housework and caregiving, than do men. This is true
even when both partners work.
e.
Gay and lesbian couples are more likely than heterosexual couples to
divide childcare and household labor equally between partners.
f.
Men who share in childcare tend to have less conflict in their
relationships and more satisfying sex.
g.
One key reason in unequal contributions to domestic labor is gender
ideology. Men and women with more traditional beliefs are more
likely to perceive it as appropriate for women to do most of the
domestic labor.
i.
Women who don’t perceive desirable alternatives to their
current relationships have little leverage to persuade their
partners to participate more.
ii.
A commitment to equity by both partners will affect how they
divide domestic chores.
iii.
Gender socialization teaches girls to perform more traditionally
feminine tasks and have developed those skills as adults.
iv.
Millennial men have more egalitarian views related to gender,
family, and career within marriage.
h.
The extra domestic labor women typically do is called the second
shift. Childcare is a big part of the second shift for many women.
i.
Because many women consider becoming a mother to be a “choice,”
they may assume they are responsible to meet all of the demands
related to that choice.
j.
The domestic work women do is often more taxing and less
gratifying than that done by men and are repetitive, routine, and
constrained by deadlines.
k.
The recession in 2008 propelled changes in men’s involvement in
home life. More men are becoming more involved fathers.
l.
Women have the psychological responsibility for planning and
remembering things that need to be done increases the burdens of
second shift duties.
m.
Consequences of the second shift include stress, fatigue, illness, and
resentment. Heterosexual couples who share equally in running a
home and raising a family are the most satisfied.
n.
Another indicator of power dynamics is how couples manage conflict.
i.
Masculine individuals tend to use unilateral strategies to
engage in and to avoid conflicts through strategies such as
issuing ultimatums, refusing to discuss an issue, or to assert
the problem is being blown out of proportion.
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ii.
Feminine individuals tend to employ indirect strategies when
they do engage in conflict, or to defer or compromise to
reduce tension.
o.
Gendered power dynamics are also reflected in patterns of
violence and abuse.
i.
Acts of violence tend to be inflicted most typically by men
who have been socialized into masculine identities and cuts
across race, ethnic, and class lines.
Journal Entries
1.
Observe and analyze gendered patterns of communication in a close friendship you have
with someone of the other sex. How do these patterns reflect or vary from ones
discussed in the text and class?
2.
Observe and analyze gendered interaction patterns in a romantic relationship you
have or one you were involved in previously. Do patterns reflect or vary from
ones discussed in the text and class?
3.
Brainstorm on society’s messages concerning the importance or nonimportance
of friendships. Which are we told to value the most: family, friends, or romantic
partners? Why?
4.
Knowing that those individuals who are socialized into masculine identities engage in more
acts of violence, what can we as a society do to change notions of masculinity? Reflect on
images in the media, messages from family members, and how roles are defined in close
relationships to help answer the question.
5.
Talk with an older relative or friend about their views regarding friendships and romantic
relationships. Are your relative’s/friend’s assumptions about friendship and romantic
relationship norms similar to or different from yours? Are they similar to or different
from the patterns discussed in Chapter 9? What do the similarities/differences suggest
about changing norms of gender, friendships, and romantic relationships?
Suggested Activities
2.
Wish List Exercise: The “Wish List Exercise” is intended to encourage men and women
to talk about the differences they perceive in communication patterns of the sexes. Divide
the class into groups of four to five students, all of the same sex. Instruct the groups that
they are to develop a list of problems they recurrently encounter in relationships with the
other sex. Next and more importantly, tell the groups they must explain what they would
do to improve the situation. They may choose to focus on the process of communication
in these situations, or the outcome. Basically, ask them what men or women could do
differently in these instances to make them more comfortable.
After the groups have developed a list of situations and solutions, over a period of 15 to
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20 minutes, pull the class back together. Allow each group to share one or two of the
issues they recognized and solutions they proposed. The role of the instructor is very
important in this exercise for keeping order and making sure students stay on track. It is
easy for their conversations to turn into “gripe” sessions, with little hope for constructive
discussion.
Make sure to push the groups to offer solutions and be prepared to offer your ideas on
these issues. Also, be very aware of the classroom climate; it is vital that students listen to
other groups’ observations and respect the differing views that inevitably surface.
In our classrooms, situations voiced by students cover a range of issues. One group of
female students said they felt violated and unimportant when men stared at their breasts
and bodies, rather than looking them in the eyes. These women offered the solution that
men interact with them with the attitude that women are intelligent human beings with
minds, thoughts, and ideas, not sexual objects.
A group of male students complained that they no longer understood the expectations of
women regarding their role as men. The men were afraid to open doors for women and pay
for dates because they no longer knew if these chosen behaviors were expected by, or
offensive to, women. The men asked that women be more open and less confrontational in
communicating about these issues and not assume they are being “male chauvinist pigs.”
The “Wish List Exercise” inevitably opens tremendous dialogue between the sexes. In your
role as instructor, you may choose to serve as moderator in these discussions; if you have a
particularly vocal class where tensions run high, it may be necessary to limit responses
from groups to situations offered by other groups. In our experiences with this exercise, the
discussions carry on after class in hallways, over tables at lunch, and in relationships with
others who are not students in the class.
3.
Let’s Go to Dinner: Go online to obtain a menu from a nice and/or up-scale local
restaurant and distribute it to your students. With each menu, include one of the
following scenarios:
“You are on a first date with someone who you find attractive and interesting. Peruse
the menu and take notes about what you would order, including appetizers, entrees,
desert, and drinks.”
“You are meeting a group of close friends for dinner. Peruse the menu and take
notes about what you would order, including appetizers, entrees, desert, and
drinks.”
“You and your long-term partner are out for dinner. Peruse the menu and take notes
about what you would order, including appetizers, entrees, desert, and drinks.”
After students have made their choices, compare and contrast ordering patterns.
Depending on the size of the class, you may choose to do this in small groups or in a
large group format. Ask students to consider their choices. Did men order differently, in
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general, than women? Did men/women order differently depending on whether they
imagined they were on a first date, with a group of friends, or with a long-term partner?
What do the ordering patterns suggest about students’ assumptions about
romantic relationships, friendships, and gender?
4.
Gendered Relationships in Film: Another option for structuring a day of class
discussion would involve clips from movies that represent dimensions of friendships and
romantic relationships discussed in the text and class. We have incorporated four– or five-
minute segments from films such as The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants or Waiting to
Exhale (which present women’s friendships), Dead Poets’ Society or Good Will Hunting
(which illustrate friendships between men), and When Harry Met Sally (which includes
interesting examples of mixed-sex friendship and heterosexual romantic relationships).
Choosing and editing representative clips from videotapes does take some time, but
students respond favorably to the use of video in the classroom. Allow the portions of the
films you select to structure discussion of aspects of friendships and romantic
relationships portrayed in the films.
5.
Gendered Romantic Relationship Advice: Have students bring in popular magazines
that focus in some way on close relationships (most popular, nonactivity specific
magazines do; examples include Cosmopolitan, Glamour, and GQ). Ask students to
examine a magazine in small groups to determine what it teaches about close relationships
(friendships or romantic relationships). They should identify expectations about partners,
behaviors, and feelings. You may want to bring in some additional magazines (perhaps
ones whose target audience would not necessarily be your students). After the students
have had time to discuss their magazine in small groups, they should present their
findings to the class. Allow time for discussion about the implications of such texts.
6.
Communicating with Men and Women: In order for this activity to work, students will
need to bring their laptops or cell phones to class. Ask the students to pull up their
Facebook page (or, if they do not have one or cannot view it, to review the text messages
saved on their phone). On Facebook, they can use the “wall–to–wall” feature to examine a
conversation with a male friend and a conversation with a female friend. (On their phones
they can review conversations in their inboxes and outboxes.) Ask them to see if they can
see if (and if so, how) their communication is different with male friends and female
friends. The following questions may be considered: (a) If you communicate differently
with male and female friends, are you aware of it? Why do you do it? (b) If you do not
communicate differently, why do you think that is? Do you use a more masculine or
feminine style? Although this activity could be done without looking at specific
conversations, it works better to do so because students may see something they do not
realize they are doing. It is also a good opportunity for you to emphasize that not all men
are masculine communicators and not all women are feminine communicators.
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JUDGMENT CALL 9: WHAT’S A FAIR SHARE OF
HOUSEWORK AND CHILD CARE?
Myranda and Scott have been married for four years. Both work outside of their home, he
as a real estate broker and she as a computer systems analyst. For the first three years of their
marriage Myranda and Scott managed to keep their home clean enough, although Myranda did
more housecleaning than Scott. Last year, however, they had a child, Jackson, and the tasks at
home multiplied. Now Myranda and Scott continuously quarrel about housework and child care
responsibilities. Here is a typical exchange between them:
Myranda: I thought you were going to do the laundry when you got home.
Scott: I meant to, but I had to stay late at work. I’ll try to do it tomorrow.
Myranda: Tomorrow is no good. We are out of diapers and Jackson needs his
green rompers for the picnic tomorrow.
Scott: He can wear something else.
Myranda: Why should he have to? Is it too much to ask for you to do a fair
share around here? I work just as much and just as hard as you
every day. Yet, I always wind up having to work harder when I
get home, usually because you didn’t do something you
promised to take care of.
Scott: Lighten up. I do a fair share. My father never did a load of laundry in his life, not
to mention vacuuming and taking the baby to the doctor’s and all of the other
stuff I do. I do more than a fair share.
Myranda: You don’t do half of what needs to be done. It’s not fair for me to
be pulling my load and part of yours too.
Scott: Then let things slip a little. Everything doesn’t always have to be
perfect around here. We could get everything we need to do done if you would
just be more realistic in your expectations.
Myranda: What’s unrealistic about wanting clean diapers for Jackson?
As you read the above exchange, did you find yourself thinking one of the spouses was
more reasonable than the other? What do you think is a fair share? To guide your reflection,
visit the website noted below and consider these prompts:
What happens when spouses or romantic partners have different standards for what
counts as a “fair share?” Myranda compares what Scott does to what she does and thinks he’s
not pulling his share. Scott compares what he does to what his own father did and concludes he
is pulling his share.
When couples agree to share responsibilities for housework and child care, should they have
equal say in the standards, or expectations, for what needs to be done and how well it needs
to be done? In other words, should the person doing a particular task, such as dusting, have
the authority to decide how it is done and to what standard of perfection?
What social and personal factors might explain why more women work outside of the home
today, but a proportionate number of men have not assumed a substantial share of
homemaking and family care responsibilities?