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COMM5 Instructor Manual Chapter 7
Chapter 7
Interpersonal Relationships
Goal: To understand communication patterns in relationships and learn how to maintain
meaningful relationships
Overview: This chapter discusses the different stages of relationships, how they are
formed, and the effective ways of starting relationships.
Learning Outcomes
7-1 Identify the major types of relationships.
7-2 Explain how disclosure and feedback affect relationships.
7-3 Examine levels of communication at various stages in relationships.
7-4 Examine how technology and social media influence interpersonal relationships.
7-5 Identify the sources of tension in relationships.
Key Terms
Acquaintances
Autonomy
Avoiding stage
Circumscribing stage
Closedness
Connection
Dialectic
Disclosure
Friends
Grave-dressing
Healthy relationship
Hyperpersonal
Communication
Impersonal
Communication
Interpersonal
Communication
Interpersonal
Relationship
Intimates
Johari window
Media multiplexity
Neutralization
Novelty
Openness
Other-disclosure
Platonic relationship
Predictability
Reframing
Relational dialectics
Relational maintenance
Relationship life cycle
Relationship
Transformation
Romantic relationship
Romantic relationship
Sacrifice
Saving face
Self-disclosure
Social penetration theory
Stagnating stage
Temporal selection
Terminating stage
Topical segmentation
Trust
Figures and Tables
Figure 7.1 Social Penetration Model
Figure 7.2 The Johari Window
Chapter Outline
I. Types of relationships: relationships (sets of expectations two people have for their
behavior based on the pattern of interaction between them) versus healthy relationships
(relationships in that are satisfying to and healthy for those involved)
A. Interpersonal communication is all those interactions that occur between two people
to help start, build, maintain, and sometimes end or redefine our interpersonal
relationships. Interpersonal relationships are defined by the sets of expectations two
people have for each other based on their previous interactions
B. Acquaintances
1. People we know by name, but with whom our interactions are limited
7-2
2. Interactions are largely impersonal
3. Our goals when communicating with acquaintances are usually to reduce
uncertainty and “save” face.
4. Acquaintanceship guidelines
a. Initiate conversation by introducing yourself and contextualizing
b. Make your comments relevant
c. Develop an other-centered focus
d. Engage in appropriate turn-taking
e. Be polite
C. Friends
1. People with whom we have negotiated more personal relationships that are
voluntary
2. Some friendships are context bound
3. Friendship guidelines
a. Initiation: be proactive
b. Responsiveness: ask questions, listen, and respond
c. Self-disclosure: Friends share feelings with each other
d. Emotional support: Provide comfort and support
e. Conflict management: manage disagreements successfully
D. Intimates
1. People with whom we share a high degree of commitment, trust,
interdependence, and disclosure
2. Platonic relationship: an intimate relationship in which the partners are not
sexually attracted to each other or do not act on an attraction they feel
3. Romantic relationship: an intimate relationship in which the partners
acknowledge their sexual attraction
4. Trust: placing confidence in another in a way that almost always involves some
risk
a. Trust is essential for maintaining intimate relationships.
b. With a severe breach of trust we could even end the relationship
5. Women and men differ on reasons for maintaining intimacy
a. Women tend to develop close relationships based on talking and sharing
b. Men tend to develop close relationships based on shared activities and
dependency on each other
6. Intimacy guidelines
a. Be dependable
b. Be responsive
c. Be collaborative in managing conflict
d. Be faithful
e. Be transparent
f. Be willing to put your relationship first
II. Disclosure in relationship live cycles
A. Even though no two relationships develop in exactly the same way, all relationships
tend to move through identifiable and overlapping phases of coming together and
coming apart. This moving back and forth among the phases is known as the
relationship life cycle
1. Disclosure can come in the form of self-disclosure, which is the confidential
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information we deliberately choose to share about ourselves, and other-
disclosure, the confidential information shared about someone by a third party
2. Social penetration theory describes the different kinds of self-disclosure we use in
our relationships
a. Breadth has to do with the range of different subjects you discuss with your
partner.
b. Depth has to do with the quality of information shared, which can range from
relatively impersonal and “safe” to confidential and “risky.”
B. The Johari window contains four quadrants that define the extent of self-disclosure in
the relationship
1. Open: information about you that both you and your partner know
2. Blind: information your partner knows about you that you don’t realize about
yourself.
3. Secret: information about you that you know but that your partner does not know
about you
4. Unknown: information about you that neither you or your partner know
5. Each partner’s window should be examined
6. Allows partners to evaluate and discuss levels of intimacy and trust in their
relationship.
III. Stages of relationships
A. Regardless of whether your relationship is with an acquaintance, a friend, or an
intimate partner, every relationship develops and changes with time. Researchers
have identified ten stages within the three phases of coming together, relational
maintenance, and coming apart
B. Relationships can move between stages in sometimes imperceptible ways
C. Beginning and Developing relationships
1. Communication during the stages of coming together focuses on reducing
uncertainty as we try to understand how are partner sees the world.
2. People tend to assume we are all similar until we learn about differences
3. Make inferences based on gathered information to determine if they are similar
enough to continue the relationship.
4. As the relationship develops, you continue coming together by disclosing more to
one another, engaging in more physical contact, and feeling a deepening
psychological closeness
2. As a relationship develops, partners will feel psychologically closer
E. Relational maintenance consists of those communication strategies used to keep a
relationship operating smoothly and satisfactorily
1. Partners sacrifice by putting their needs or desires on hold to attend to the needs
of their partner or the relationship Researchers have catalogued many relational
maintenance strategies, some which include prosocial behaviors and observing
ceremonial occasions; spending time together, both with one another and with
mutual friends; communicating honestly and frequently about both deep and
everyday topics, and offering words and actions that demonstrate affection and
respect for one another.
2. Partners also sacrifice by putting their needs or desires on hold to attend to the
COMM5 Instructor Manual Chapter 7
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needs of their partner or the relationship.
3. Because conflict is inevitable in developed relationships, we may do or say things
that hurt our partner
F. Declining and dissolving relationships
1. When one or both partners fail to engage actively in relational maintenance
strategies, the relationship may begin to come apart and could eventually even
end altogether
2. The first sign that a relationship is coming apart is known as the circumscribing
stage, which is where communication decreases in both quantity and quality
3. If circumscribing continues, it may eventually lead to stagnating, which is the
stage at which partners just go through the motions of interacting with each
other routinely without enthusiasm or emotion
4. When remaining in a relationship that has stagnated becomes too painful,
partners begin to avoid one another by creating physical distance between them
and by making excuses not to do things together
5. When partners decide the relationship is no longer satisfying and no longer worth
trying to maintain, it will end. Partners may make attempts – called grave-
dressing – to explain why the relationship failed.
6. Even when partners agree that their relationship in its current form is over, they
may continue to interact and influence each other through a different type of
relationship. This is called relationship transformation
IV. The widespread use of Internet technology and social media are changing how we build
and maintain our relationships
A. When people meet online, they don’t experience what we traditionally call
interpersonal communication. Rather, they experience hyperpersonal
communication, which differs from face-to-face interaction in that senders have a
greater capacity to strategically manage their self-presentation because nonverbal
and relevant contextual clues are more limited.
B. Most of our ongoing relationships are characterized by media multiplexity, which
simply means that we use more than one medium to maintain our relationships.
V. Dialectics in interpersonal relationships
A. Relational dialectics: competing psychological tensions that exist in relationships
1. Autonomy/Connection: the desire to be independent and also be connected
2. Openness/Closedness: the desire to share and also to maintain privacy
3. Novelty/Predictability: the desire to experience new things and also be able to
anticipate what will happen
B. Managing dialectical tensions
1. Temporal selection: choosing one desire and ignoring another for the time being
2. Topical segmentation: choosing some topics with which to satisfy one desire and
other topics to satisfy the other
3. Neutralization: compromising between both people’s desires, usually resulting in
neither person’s desires fully being met
4. Reframing: changing the perception of the tension in order to satisfy both
competing desires
COMM5 Instructor Manual Chapter 7
Technology Resources
Holding Effective Conversations
http://admin.wadsworth.com/resource_uploads/downloads/0495095834_79126.pdf This
bonus chapter discusses how to hold effective conversations.
In-Person versus Cyberspace Relationships
http://www.rider.edu/~suler/psycyber/showdown.html Go to this page at the Psychology of
Cyberspace Web site to read a thorough comparison of the differences between
relationships in person and electronically mediated relationships.
Interactive Johari Window
http://kevan.org/johari This interactive site allows you to gauge your personality
awareness. Describe yourself from the adjectives provided, then ask your friends and
colleagues to describe you from the same adjectives. This site will build a window of overlap
and difference for you a type of Johari window.
Marriage Counseling Alternatives
https://www.ourrelationship.com/ An online marriage counseling alternative: Designed for
you and your partner to do together to save your marriage, this online marriage help
program will give you both an opportunity to receive objective feedback on your relationship
and develop new ways to understand, talk about, and solve your marriage and relationship
problems.
Movies
Movies and movie clips can be used to help students grasp concepts. Clips can be shown in
class, or movies can be assigned as homework. Following the movie clips, ask students
written or oral questions. These questions should address pertinent concepts, thereby
actively engaging students in discussion.
Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist (2008)
Rated: PG-13 (Thematic material including teen drinking, sexuality, language, and crude
behavior)
Synopsis: This film is a coming-of-age comedy. Teenagers Nick and Nora meet at a bar
where a band is playing. Nora gets Nick, a stranger at the time, to pretend to be her
boyfriend to prove to Tris, a girl from her school (and, unknown to Nora, Nick’s ex-
girlfriend) that she is cool. In reality, Nora has a boyfriend, but he does not treat her well.
Nick and Nora have a night of adventures and chaos as they try to find the secret location
where their favorite band is supposed to play. Through their love of music, Nick and Nora
fall for each other and discover that relationships should be built on common interests and
respect.
Questions for discussion:
1. How does Nick and Nora’s relationship progress through the movie? What stages of
relationships described in the text are illustrated in the film?
2. How do the Johari windows of the main and supporting characters change over the
course of the film and why is this relevant to their relationships?
3. How is the relationship Nick and Nora form different from the one each had with his/her
previous partner?
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The Anniversary Party (2001)
Rated: Not rated (Reason unknown)
Synopsis: Joe, a successful novelist, and his wife, Sally, a famous actress, decide to
celebrate their anniversary by inviting some friends over for dinner. As the dinner
progresses, the strain in their marriage becomes more evident, as they have only recently
reconciled after a separation. Additional complications are the guests, who include an
insecure director and his neurotic wife, a movie star and his wife, and the neighbors, who
have a problematic dog.
Questions for discussion
1. Do the friends in this movie follow the friendship guidelines of initiation, responsiveness,
self-disclosure, emotional support, and conflict management? If they do, provide some
examples from the movie. If not, why not?
2. The relationship between Joe and Sally is strained. What intimacy guidelines have they
failed to follow to get their marriage to this point?
3. What prevents the relationship between the neighbors and Joe and Sally from moving
from acquaintances to friendship?
4. What does this movie have to teach us about the role of trust and the betrayal of trust
in intimate relationships?
5. Where does trust go missing in the relationship?
6. How are alcohol and drugs influential in changing patterns of intimacy and self-
disclosure?
When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)
Rated: R (Mature themes, language)
Synopsis: Alice comes to grip with her alcoholism while trying to reconcile her relationship
with her husband, Michael, and her one daughter. Both partners in the relationship must
learn how to grow and change in Alice’s sobriety to stay together and in order to give their
daughter the best life.
Questions for discussion
1. Which characters are acquaintances, friends, or intimates for Alice? How do these
relationships grow out of those labels to become either more important or non-
existent?
2. What is the breadth and depth of self-disclosure for both Alice and Michael and how
does the extent of each change throughout the film?
3. How does each pane of the Johari Window (either Alice or Michael) open and become
cathartic or painfully accessible to the other character throughout?
Additional suggested movies: American Beauty (1999) (family, relational stages,
communication climate); 50 First Dates (2004) (relational stages, moving beyond initial
stages); Juno (2007) (types of relationships, self-disclosure, relational stages); I Love You,
Man (2009) (relational stages, friendship); The Descendants (2011) (family, relational
stages); Precious (2009) (relational stages, relationships dissolving and developing,
relational dialectics); Bad Words (2013) (relational stages, types of relationships,
relationship guidelines)
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Other Media Resources
1. Relationship Exercise for Couples in Long-term Relationships
http://naturalhealthtechniques.com/CoachingCorner/relationships1.htm
2. Being Smart about Online Relationships
http://www.geekgirls.com/net_online_relationships.htm
3. Different kinds of relationships and friendships
http://friendship.about.com/od/Types_of_Friendships/tp/Stages-Of-Friendship.htm
Diverse Voices
Close Enough to Touch Was Too Far Apart
by Saba Ali
Saba Ali lives in upstate New York..
Who knew that holding hands, the very act that signals the start of so many relationships,
would be the end of mine? It seems the mullahs were onto something when they wagged
their fingers against premarital relations, of any kind.
Born in Kenya, I came to the United States at age 6, settling with my family in
upstate New York. Growing up Muslim, I missed out on the “Dawson’s Creek*” method of
courtship.
For scarf-wearing Muslims like me, premarital interaction between the sexes
(touching, talking, even looking) is strictly controlled. Men and women pray, eat, and
congregate separately. At private dinner parties, women exit the dining room so the men
can serve themselves. Boys sit on one side of the hall, girls on the other, and married
couples in the middle.
When out in public, interactions with non-Muslim boys tend to be less constrained
but still formal. A playful push from a boy would bring an awkward explanation of how
touching is against my religion.
So my friends and I had high expectations for marriage, which was supposed to
quickly follow graduation from college. That’s when our parents told us it was time to find
the one man we would be waking up with for the rest of our lives, God willing. They just
didn’t tell us how.
There were no tips from our mothers or anyone else on how to meet the right man
or to talk to him. It’s simply expected that our lives will consist of two phases: unmarried
and in the company of women, and then married and in the company of a man.
It’s all supposed to start with a conversation, but not a private one. My friends and I
call them “meetings.” The woman comes with her chaperone, a family member, and the
man comes with his. Talking points include such questions as “What do you expect from
your husband?” and “Would you mind if my parents were to move in with us after the
reception?”
Yet now, at 29, despite all of my “meetings,” I remain unmarried. And in the last five
years I’ve exhausted the patience of my matchmaking aunties and friends who have offered
up their husbands’ childhood playmates.
All I wanted was to feel secure, to look forward to spending my days and nights with
my match. Which is why my interest was piqued last year when a friend from college told
me about a radiologist in his early 30s who was also frustrated by the challenges of the
contemporary Muslim hookup. Our first get-together was for brunch at a little French café
COMM5 Instructor Manual Chapter 7
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near Central Park. I listened as he talked about his past relationships. Not the most
appropriate topic for a first date, perhaps, but more comfortable for me than the typical
pressurized questions: “Do you cook?” and “How many children do you want?” As he talked
about the girls who either broke his heart, or whose hearts he had broken, I watched his
hands, wondering what they would feel like to touch.
After brunch, we walked through the park. I spoke with ease about my own
confusions, ambitions, faith, and fear of making the wrong decision about marriage. I told
him I wanted someone who liked eating out, prayed five times a day and didn’t drink
alcohol, and who made eye contact when talking with girls. He said he wanted a wife who
wasn’t conservative and could fit in with his non-Muslim friends. He had most of the items
on my mental checklist.
We kept getting to know each other by phone, often talking for hours at a time. If I
was driving when he called, I would roam around aimlessly just so our exchange wouldn’t
end when I reached my destination. I hadn’t yet told my parents about him, not wanting to
get my mother’s hopes up.
Our lingering problem, however, was the difference in how religious we each were;
he hadn’t planned on marrying someone who wore the traditional head scarf. His ideal
woman was less strict, more secular. But I reveled in the recognition. Covering was a choice
I had made in high school, partly out of a need for identity, and partly out of fear. The fear
came from what I had heard at Muslim summer camp, which scared me enough to start
covering and praying. Instead of ghost stories, we had “judgment day” stories about the
terrible things that would happen if you strayed from God, which scared me enough to start
covering and praying.
In the years since, that fear has evolved into understanding. Most girls will say the
scarf is for modesty. I see it as a protection. It keeps me from making stupid decisions. To
me, the scarf is more than a piece of fabric—it’s a way of life. On my wedding night, going
topless would mean unpinning my scarf and letting it fall down.
In order to get him over his hesitation, I planned our dates to take place in very
public places. We played miniature golf, ate out at restaurants, and went blueberry picking.
I looked at his objection as a challenge, a project. I wanted to convince him that even
though I did stand out with my hijab, it didn’t matter because no one really took notice of
the scarf after the first glance.
And I had my own doubts, although I was afraid to admit them: Namely, why should
I push forward with this when we weren’t aligned in terms of our faith? How could we be a
good match if he didn’t approve of my hijab? Would I have to change? Should I?
One evening he called to tell me he had gone to a lounge with a few of his buddies.
“I visualized what it would feel like to have you sitting next to me,” he told me.
“And how did I feel?” I asked.
“Pretty good,” he said. “Manageable.”
After, I finally called my mother and told her about him.
Before him, I had never gone past the second date. But by now he and I were
approaching our fourth date—plenty of time, in my mind, to decide whether a man is right
for you.
And then came the night of the movie, his idea. I’m a movie fanatic and remember
the details of almost every movie I’ve ever seen. I can’t remember the title of the one we
saw that night. I looked over at him and smiled, convincing myself that the weightiness I
felt was because I was in uncharted territory. We were moving forward, talking about
meeting each other’s families. So when he leaned over and asked, “Can I hold your hand?” I
didn’t feel I could say no. I liked him for taking the risk.
Nearly 30 years old, I had thought about holding hands with a boy since I was a
teenager. But it was always in the context of my wedding day. Walking into our reception as
COMM5 Instructor Manual Chapter 7
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husband and wife, holding hands, basking in that moment of knowing this was forever.
Non-Muslim girls may wonder about their first kiss or, later, about losing their
virginity. I thought I was running the same risk, though for me it would be the first time
actually touching the hand of a potential husband. How would it feel? Would it convince me
that he was the one?
A lifetime’s worth of expectations culminated in this single gesture in a dark theater
over a sticky armrest. I’m not sure it’s possible to hold hands wrong, but we were not doing
it right. It felt awkward with my hand under his, so we changed positions: my arm on top,
his hand cradling mine. It was still uncomfortable, and soon my hand fell asleep, which was
not the tingling sensation I was hoping for. Finally, I took it away.
But the damage had been done. We had broken the no-contact rule, and in doing so,
I realized I wasn’t willing to be the kind of girl he wanted. I believe in my religion, the rules,
the reasons, and even the restrictions. At the same time, I’ve always wanted to be married,
and the thought of never knowing that side of myself, as a wife and a mother, scares me.
Being with him made me compromise my faith, and my fear of being alone pushed me to
ignore my doubts about the relationship.
When we took it too far, I shut down. It wasn’t supposed to happen that way. So
after the date, I split us up. And I never saw him again.
*”Dawson’s Creek” was a TV show from the 1990s about the relationships among a group of
high school friends in a small town.
Excerpted from the New York Times, October 7, 2007.
Reflection Questions
1. What is the symbolic importance of holding hands? What importance is there in the irony
that holding hands “starts relationships” – perhaps non-Muslims – but her first hand-holding
experience with another, informal Muslim, led her to end the relationship?
2. How does Ali’s notions of sex problematize the progress of her romantic relationship?
3. Does Ali end the relationship or did her religion? Do you think she was too overpowered
by the conservative rules and practices of Islam?
4. Were the two really incompatible? Why or why not? What levels of relationships did this
one reach?
Discussion and Assignment Ideas
I. Ask the class to think of their two closest friends, and to write their names down and a
few words to describe them. Now ask students to raise their hands if they wrote down
the names of the same people they would have written down a year ago, 2 years ago, 5
years ago. What happened to those relationships that have ended? Can you pinpoint
when things started going sour? Lesson: Relationships are a changing process, not a
static thing, and they shift both perceptibly and imperceptibly from stage to stage.
II. Quotes: These can be used to introduce topics, questions perspectives, or gain
individual opinion. Providing students with a quote and prompting them to write or
reflect on their personal feelings about the quote can help to spark discussion and
interest. Suggested prompts may include “Define this concept in your own words”; “Do
you agree with this statement? Explain”; “What text material can be used to support or
refute this idea?” “How can any or all of these quotations be applied to concepts from
chapter 5”; “What might these people say to Saba Ali (the author above) or vice versa?”
COMM5 Instructor Manual Chapter 7
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Friendship requires great communication.
—St. Francis de Sales
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
—Mark Twain
Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give
them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and
withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.
—George Washington
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, “What? You
too!? I thought I was the only one.”
—C.S. Lewis
III. If women prioritize talk in close relationships and men prioritize activities, does that
mean that women’s same-sex friendships are more intimate than men’s same-sex
friendships? Are women simply better than men at being intimate? Why or why not?
Where do we draw the line between intimacy and romance – in either opposite sex or
same-sex relationships?
Video Conversation
Trevor and Meg have been dating for the last several months of their senior year at college.
Now that graduation is approaching, they are trying to figure out what to do about their
relationship. They sit and talk. After you’ve watched the video of Trevor and Meg and have
read the transcript of their conversation, answer the following questions.
1. How do Trevor and Meg disclose their feelings and offer feedback?
2. What stage of their relationship life cycle do they seem to be in and why?
3. What dialectical tensions are they dealing with and what strategies are they, or should
they be, using to manage them?
4. What is Meg’s real fear?
5. Is each partner able to identify the various areas of their lives that may blur the
following realms acquaintance, friend, intimate, romance?
TREVOR: Meg, I think it’s time we talk about making plans for the future. After all, we’ll be
graduating next month.
MEG: Trevor, you know how uncomfortable I feel about making any long-range plans at this
time. We still need to know a lot more about each other before we even think about getting
engaged.
TREVOR: Why? We’ve both said we love each other, haven’t we? (Meg nods.) So why’s this
too soon? What else do we need to know?
MEG: For starters, I’ll be going to law school this fall, and this year is going to be difficult.
And, you haven’t gotten a job yet.
TREVOR: Come on, Meg. You’re going to law school in the city, so I’ll have a degree in
business, so I can probably get a job most anywhere.
MEG: But Trevor, that’s just my point. I know I’ll be starting law school; I’ve always wanted
to be a lawyer. And you don’t really have any idea what you want to do. And that bothers
me. I can’t be worrying about you and your career when I’m going to need to focus on my
classes.
TREVOR: But I told you, I can get a job anywhere.
COMM5 Instructor Manual Chapter 7
MEG: Yes, Trevor, but you need more than a job. You need to figure out what kind of job
really turns you on, or else you risk waking up one day and regretting your life. And, I don’t
want to be there when that happens. I watched my dad go through a midlife crisis, and he
ended up walking out on us.
TREVOR: I’m not your dad, Meg. I won’t leave you. And don’t worry about me; I’ll find a
job.
MEG: Really? You knew I was going to law school in the city for over a month, but you still
haven’t even begun a job search. Trevor, right now is the time when people are hiring, and
you haven’t even done your résumé. The longer you wait, the more difficult your search is
going to be.
TREVOR: Come on, Meg. You’ve already said I’m irresistible. What company wouldn’t want
me?
MEG: I’m serious, Trevor. Look, I’ve got a scholarship to law school, but it’s only going to
pay half of my expenses. I’ll be taking a loan to get enough money to pay the rest and to
have money to live on. I won’t have the money or the time to be very supportive of you if
you haven’t found work. I need the security of knowing that you’ve got a job and that you
are saving money.
TREVOR: Well, they say that “two can live as cheaply as one.” I was thinking that once you
got settled, I’d move in and that will save us a lot of money.
MEG: Whoa, Trevor. You know how I feel about that. I do love you, and I hope that we
have a future together. But living together this year is not an option. I think we need at
least a year of living on our own to get ourselves settled and make sure that we really are
compatible. After all, we come from totally different backgrounds. I practically raised
myself, and I’ve paid my own bills since I was 18, while you’ve been lucky enough to have
parents who footed your bills. There have been several times when we’ve talked about
important issues and the differences between us have been obvious, and they worry me.
TREVOR: You mean when I was joking around about our different taste in cars?
MEG: No, Trevor, not cars; that’s minor. But we also have greatly different feelings about
money and family. You’ve told me that once you get married you want to start a family
immediately. As I see it, I’ve got a three-year commitment to law school, then seven to 10
years of hard work to make partner at a good firm. So I’m not sure when I want to start a
family. But I know it won’t be for at least six years.
TREVOR: So, what are you saying, Meg? Is it over? “Thanks for the good time, Trevor, but
you’re not in my plans?”
MEG: Please don’t be sarcastic. I’m not trying to hurt you. It makes me happy to think that
we’ll spend the rest of our lives together. But I’m worried about several things, so I’m just
not ready to commit to that now. Let’s just take a year, get settled, and see what happens.
I’ll love it if you do get a job near where I’m in school. That way we can have time to sort
through some of the issues between us.
TREVOR: You mean if you can fit me into your schedule? Meg, if we love each other now,
aren’t we still going to love each other next year? If we wait until we have everything
settled, we might never get married; there’ll always be something. After all, we are two
different people. We’re never
going to agree on everything!
MEG: Are you saying that as unsettled as our lives are right now, we can shoulder the
additional stress of planning for a marriage?
TREVOR: No, what I’m saying is that we live together this year, see how it goes, then if it
isn’t working, we don’t have to get married.
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Chapter Activities
7.1: Gendered Perceptions of Relational Initiation
Purpose: To generate dialogue regarding the needs that motivate relationships to be
initiated
Time: 30 minutes
Process: Divide the class into male and female groups. Ask each group to brainstorm
all the possible reasons they believe the other gender initiates relationships.
After their lists are formed, have the groups rank the top three reasons they
believe the other gender initiates relationships. A representative of each
group should then write the group’s top three choices in order on the board.
Groups should switch topics and discuss their own genders. Lead a whole
class discussion comparing and contrasting perceptions. Link the material to
perceptual differences related to gender (Chapter 2). Expect to use your
“excellent facilitation skills.”
7.2: Relationship Disintegration
Purpose: To assist students in recognizing relational disintegration patterns
Time: 30 minutes
Process: Have students stage a mock TV show, “Talk Time,” that is dedicated to
communication concepts. Today’s topic: Relationships gone sour: What went
wrong? Roles: talk show host, communication expert, audience members,
three couples:
Couple One: A woman from the local area complains that her husband,
who is from another part of the country, “doesn’t listen when
I talk.”
Couple Two: Two partners from opposite sides of the globe fight about how
to fight. Says one partner, “Tracy handles all conflict
competitively.”
Couple Three: An African American and an Anglo American experience
conflict at family gatherings because the in-laws on both sides
“hate” the spouse.
Assign the roles one day prior to the activity so the couples have time to
prepare their stories based on the complaints outlined above. Audience
members and the communication expert may offer suggestions based on
material from the text. A fairly spontaneous simulation with the instructor as
the host or the expert can work well. Everyone should comment on their own
experience as well as on those self-disclosed by others—not just the couples,
but also the guests, experts, and host.
7.3: Relational Stages
Purpose: To give students practice in analyzing relational stages
Time: 20 minutes (assigned the class session prior to the activity)
Process: Instruct students to interview someone outside of class regarding their stage
of relationship with another person. Students should obtain the interviewee’s
permission to present the results of the interview in class (without identifying
information, of course). Interviewers should ask questions such as (1) How
has your relationship changed over time? (2) What kind of relationship do you
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currently have? 3) When did it become that kind of relationship? (4) How did
you know? Have students share the results of their interviews in groups of
five, reporting common findings to the whole class.
Variations for this activity include separate interviews with two parties in a
relationship, a contrast of those in deteriorating relationships with those in
ongoing relationships, a comparison of older and younger respondents, and a
contrast of male and female respondents.
7.4: Trust and Relationships
Purpose: To demonstrate the importance of trust and disclosure in forming intimate
relationships
Time: 10 minutes for exercise; 5 to 20 minutes for debriefing
Process: Divide the class into two equal groups and form a circle. Have one group form
a circle inside the other, with the groups facing each other. Tell them this is a
trust exercise in which they will give each other feedback. They have three
responses they can choose from:
“I trust you.”
“I don’t trust you.”
“I don’t know if I trust you.”
Have the inside circle move around until everyone from the inside and outside
circles have exchanged trust statements.
Facilitate a discussion about the process. You may choose from the following
prompts or choose your own:
• How did it feel to have people tell you that they trust you? To hear that
someone didn’t trust you? To hear that someone was unsure?
• What kind of risk was involved in doing this exercise? Was it difficult to
disclose how you felt? Was everyone honest, or were you afraid to hurt
people’s feelings?
• Would you be more or less likely to form an intimate relationship with
someone who said he or she trusted you? With someone you trust? Why?
Why do you think trust is so fundamental in intimate relationships?
7.5: Social Penetration
Purpose: This activity is designed to assist in the understanding of social penetration.
Time: 30 minutes for the exercise; 10 minutes for discussion.
Process: Place students in groups of 4-6 members and provide them with one or more
topics (determined by the amount of time the class meets). Topics might
include such areas as age, college attended, workplace, hometown, home
address, relational status, sexual orientation, etc.,
Ask each group to make a chart or line graph that depicts the increases in
self-disclosure (breadth and depth) that might take place as two individuals
move from initially meeting toward more developed relationships. Assign or
allow groups to compile examples of different types of relationships, such as a same-
sex potential friendship, an opposite sex potential friendship, an opposite-sex
potential romantic relationship, and a family relationship with a member of one’s
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extended family whom one has never met or has not seen for many, many years.
For each topic, members should invent scenarios or use ones from their personal
lives that illustrate the breadth and depth within a certain topic. For example, facets
of one’s sexual orientation may vary in depth. The simple statement of one’s sexual
orientation is less deep than revealing identities of ex-partners.
After an appropriate timeframe, ask a representative from each group to share their
chart and explain how they arrived at the conclusions they did.
Discussion Questions
1. Compare and contrast the charts, based on the types of relationships assigned.
2. How differently did groups perceive the process of self-disclosure? Discuss. Discuss how
much breadth and depth each group was willing to assign to each assigned topic. Were
some areas more sensitive than other ones?
3. If you, as individuals, were to begin the self-disclosure process with people from the
same categories as used in this activity, do you think your self-disclosure chart would be
similar or different from what was arrived at today? Explain and discuss. Pick one topic
to expound on in which you vary the depth and breadth of the “subtopics” or information
revealed
Journal Assignments
A. Electronic Relationships
Analyze a relationship that either began or was maintained via the Internet. Is the
relationship different from those that allow you to interact face to face? What advice can
you give for others in this same situation?
B. The Johari Window
The Johari window is a good tool for analyzing the extent of disclosure and feedback in
which you engage in your relationships. How would you assess your own Johari window?
C. Self-Disclosure
Select a story from your life in which you learned a great deal about yourself and rewrite it
for a hypothetical publication. Alternate between writing concrete description (of sensory
events and in third person) and narrating about your feelings and thoughts (an inner
dialogue that has to be in first person). Now, write a second reflection on this personal
story. Meditate on the various factors affecting your self-disclosure throughout the original
piece. When and where did you disclose the most about yourself and why? Directly address
individual differences, relational patterns, your culture and ethnicity, gender etc.
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What Would You Do?
A Question of Ethics
Jeff and Magda, seniors at a small rural college, had been dating each other since they were
freshmen. Jeff loved Magda, and he planned to propose to her after they graduated in
spring. At the same time, though, he reluctantly recognized that their relationship had fallen
into a bit of a rut over the last six months, and he missed the excitement and romance of
their first year together. Although he was troubled by these conflicting feelings, Jeff was
unsure what to do about them.
One day while he was on Facebook, Jeff decided, on a whim, to create a fake user profile
for the person he wanted to be in his fantasies. He spent quite a bit of time researching and
designing the profile of his imaginary persona, a rap singer/flamenco
guitarist/snowboarder/kung fu expert who went by the user name “MoonDog13.” Jeff
inserted photos of an obscure young Romanian actor he found online into MoonDog13’s user
profile. He posted lyrics to rap songs he wrote on MoonDog13’s page and joined online user
groups for those interested in flamenco guitar, snowboarding, and kung fu. In very little
time, MoonDog13 had made a number of online friends, many of whom were admiring
young women. MoonDog13 loved to flirt with these girls.
Jeff told Magda nothing about MoonDog13, even when the time he spent online
managing the fictitious life of his alter ego began to interfere in his relationship with her. He
justified this decision with the belief that MoonDog13 was an imaginary figure who existed
only in cyberspace. As long as fantasy didn’t cross into reality, there was no reason Jeff had
to feel guilty about anything MoonDog13 said online.
1. How is Jeff acting ethically or unethically in this situation?
2. Like Jeff, most people act differently in cyberspace than they do in the real world. Are
the ethics of cyberspace any different from those of the real world? What about
fantasy—are the ethics of our private desires different from the real world? Are we
ethically obliged to disclose our fantasies to our loved ones?
3. How might Jeff’s Facebook duplicity interfere in his relationships with Magda?
PopComm!
Why Don’t You Speak for Yourself, John?: Using Ghostwritten Online Dating
Profiles
Throughout history—in life, literature, and the media—people hoping to find love have
solicited others to help them with self-expression. In Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s poem
“The Courtship of Miles Standish,” the shy Miles asks his friend John Alden to plead his case
with the beautiful Priscilla Mullins. John complies, but in a classic love triangle scenario,
Priscilla asks John, “Why don't you speak for yourself, John?” More recently, in an episode
of Seinfeld, a popular 90s situational comedy, bumbling Kramer asks his friend Newman to
write a poem for him to recite to a woman he is wooing. But Newman’s poetry leaves
something to be desired: “He imbibed her glistening spell / Just before the other shoe fell.”
And most of us remember at least one occasion in junior high when we asked our best
friend to find out if that cute classmate was interested in us.
Today we’ve expanded our search for love to online dating services, but advanced
technologies don’t eliminate the need some of us have to seek outside help in expressing
ourselves. A quick Amazon search shows several titles promising online dating success: I
Can't Believe I'm Buying This Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating by
Evan Marc Katz; Online Dating for Dummies by Judy Silverstein and Michael Lasky; Fine, I'll
Go Online!: The Hollywood Publicist's Guide to Successful Internet Dating by Leslie Oren;
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and Romancing The Web: A Therapist's Guide To The Finer Points Of Online Dating by Diane
M. Berry.
Personal coaching for online dating is also on the rise. Online services such as Dating-
Profile.com, ProfileHelper.com, and E-Cyrano.com help online daters write their profiles for
a fee ranging from $29 to $2,000. On the ProfileHelper.com home page, the founder, Eric
Resnic, says:
Everyone has something unique that makes them special. Together we will
figure out that special thing that attracts people to you and exactly what
qualities you are looking in a partner. Then, I will create or enhance your
profile so that it is one of a kind, charming, entertaining and impossible to
resist.
Opinions vary on what it means to “speak for yourself” on dating profile sites. Jenny
Cargile, a Match.com user, says hiring someone to help write her profile would obscure who
she truly is. “I’m not a person who is put together or always knows the right thing to say,”
she says. “I would feel like if I went out on a date with someone, I would have to be what
they read instead of who I really am”.
However, online dater Jim West sings the praises of ProfileHelper.com, where he learned
to be more specific and inquisitive when communicating on online dating sites. In his case,
a profile-writing coach stressed basic communication principles that helped West more
accurately convey the kind of person he was, the types of things he enjoyed, and what he
was looking for in a potential partner. Steve Zologa, founder of a similar company in
Washington, D.C., looks at it as a simple matter of marketing: “My hypothesis is that there
are many great men and women in the D.C. area who can’t market themselves. You have
about seven seconds to make a good impression, then you're done”.
However you feel about profile-writing coaches, most would agree that communication
on online dating sites is tricky. An article in Skeptic explores the pros and cons of self-
disclosing when dating online: On one hand, information presented online is easy to
manipulate and control, so people can present themselves in any way they like—even if
what they present isn’t 100 percent accurate. On the other hand, the relative anonymity of
online communication “accelerates intimacy through increased openness about aspects of
the self.” When what we disclose about ourselves is true, self-disclosure is an important
step in making a successful relationship.
What do you think—is true self-disclosure encouraged or obscured by online dating?
Sources:
Alsever, J. (2007, March 11). In the computer dating game, room for a coach. New York
Times. Retrieved from
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/11/business/yourmoney/11dating.html; King, A. E.,
Austin-Oden, D., & Lohr, J. M. (2009). Browsing for love in all the wrong places: Does
research show that Internet matchmaking is more successful than traditional dating?
Skeptic v15 i1 48(8). Retrieved from Infotrac; McCarthy, E. (2008, September 24).
Matchmakers, matchmakers, making a mint. Washington Post. Retrieved from
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-
dyn/content/article/2008/09/23/AR2008092303669.html
Reflection Questions
1. How do we know how much to self-disclose in a romantic relationship?
2. What advantages does online dating offer compared to old-fashioned ways of meeting
people?
3. What roles do our friends play in the development of our romantic relationships?
COMM5 Instructor Manual Chapter 7
Experiential Assignments
The Stages of Relationships
A psychic has predicted some fabulous news: A fine young man or woman will soon enter
your life and a romantic relationship will develop. You immediately start to think about how
your relationship will develop (and possibly end???). Elaborate on how you and your beloved
will proceed through the various stages of a relationship, and how you hope to communicate
with each other through the stages.
Dialectics in Your Relationships
Choose one of your current close friendship or intimate relationships. It can be with a friend
or family member. Briefly explain this assignment and ask your relationship partner if she or
he is willing to help you with this assignment and to have what you discuss become part of
a short paper you are doing for this class. Only if your partner consents should you proceed.
Otherwise, find another friend or intimate.
1. Briefly explain the concept of relationship dialectics to your partner. You may want to
have them read the section of this chapter that explains these.
2. Once your partner understands the concepts, have a conversation about each of you has
experienced each of these tensions over the course of your relationship. Can you each
think of specific instances when you were “out of sync”? How did this play out in the
relationship? Be specific and be sure to talk about each of the three dialectical tensions.
3. Based on your conversation, write a short paper/journal entry in which you describe
what you learned. How has hearing your partner talk about how he or she experienced
these changed your understanding?
4. Given what you have learned in this conversation, how can you use this to improve this
relationship going forward.
Distinguishing between Relationship Types
List five people you have known for some time that you consider to be acquaintances. What
do you talk about with each of these people? What subjects do you avoid? List five people
you have known for some time whom you consider to be friends. How does your
relationship with each differ from your relationships with your acquaintances? List one to
three people you have known for some time whom you consider to be your best friends or
intimates. Why do you consider each of these people to be best friends or intimates? Write a
short essay in which you describe what you have learned about your relationships.
Creating Stabilizing Statements
Rephrase each of the messages below so that the new message fosters a
supportive rather than defensive communication climate.
1. Don’t do it that way. That will never work.
2. Quit bugging me. I’ll do it when I’m good and ready.
3. As long as you live in my house, you’ll do as I say.
4. I’ll pay the bills, after all, I’m an accounting major and you’re just
1. an art major.
5. Have you decided where we’re going for dinner yet?
6. You should cancel your plans. It’s going to rain tomorrow.
7. I can’t believe you got a tattoo. It’s such a juvenile act of rebellion.
2. You’ll be sorry.
8. So, are you dating anyone?
