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CHAPTER 12
MANAGING INTERPERSONAL CONFLICTS
Objectives
After studying the material in Chapter Ten of Looking Out/Looking In, you should understand:
1. Identify the conflicts in your important relationships and how satisfied you are with the way they have been handled.
2. Describe your personal conflict styles, evaluate their effectiveness, and suggest alternatives as appropriate.
3. Identify the relational conflict styles, patterns of behavior, and conflict rituals that define a given relationship.
4. Demonstrate how you could use the win-win approach in a given conflict.
Notes on Class and Student Activities
1. Identifying Conflict Styles (MindTap CH 12: Concepts in Play)
Objectives
Define conflict styles: avoiding, accommodating, competing, compromising, and collaborating.
Differentiate between conflict styles as presented in specific situations.
Instructions
Have students individually complete “Identifying Conflict Styles” (MindTap Ch 12: Concepts in Play Interactive Activity)
prior to class and use as a basis for class discussion, see questions below.
Concepts in Play feature animated characters in a variety of “real life” scenarios designed to illustrate difficult concepts
in a way that engages the student’s interest and imagination. We recommend that instructor’s build on these scenarios
through classroom role plays that include additional applications, such as making effective conflict style choices.
Option
Have students also write a brief reflection on what they learned by observing a variety of conflict styles. How does changing
conflict styles impact outcomes?
Discussion Questions
1. Through observing conflict styles in action, what did you learn about the differences between the styles and how
these differences impact conflict outcomes?
2. Drawing on your conflict style habits, if you were one of the participants in this conflict scenario, who would you
be and which style would you be most likely to use? After observing the impact of this style, do you think you
would adapt your style? Why or why not?
2. Understanding Conflict Styles (11.1 in the Student Activities Manual or MindTap Ch 12: Conflict Styles – Pause & Reflect)
Objectives
To illustrate how conflict styles can differ.
To help students apply the concept of conflict style to conflict management.
To guide students in discovering their own conflict styles.
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Instructions
Have students individually complete “Understanding Conflict Styles” (11.1 in the Student Activities Manual or MindTap
Ch 12: Conflict Styles – Pause & Reflect) prior to class and use as a basis for class discussion, see questions below.
Discussion Questions
1. Which styles seemed to produce the most satisfying outcome in each situation?
2. Which style best characterizes you?
3. Describe the pros and cons of your style.
4. Are there changes you wish to make about the way conflict is handled in your life? Explain.
3. Your Conflict Rituals (MindTap Ch 12: Conflict in Relational Systems –
Pause and Reflect
)
Objective
To describe positive and negative conflict rituals.
Because conflict rituals are unacknowledged patterns, they are often hard to recognize. Some students need help recognizing the
role their behaviors play in the ritual (rather than just blaming the other person for the conflict).
Instructions
Have students individually complete “Your Conflict Rituals” (MindTap Ch 12: Conflict in Relational Systems – Pause and
Reflect) prior to class and use as a basis for small group discussion, see questions below.
Discussion Questions
1. How and why did these rituals develop?
2. How often, if at all, do you break from these rituals? And, in what way?
3. How satisfying, generally, are the outcomes of your conflict rituals?
4. Are there changes you wish to make about the way conflict is managed in your life? If so, how would you go about
making changes?
4. Win-Win Problem Solving (11.4 in the Student Activities Manual)
Objective
Identify the relational conflict styles, patterns of behavior, and conflict rituals that define a given relationship.
Demonstrate how you could use the win-win approach in a given conflict.
Assess the effectiveness and appropriateness of using the win-win approach.
Instructions
Have students complete “Win-Win Problem Solving” (11.4 in the Student Activities Manual) outside of class with someone
with whom they are having a real life conflict.
Because trying out new conflict resolution skills in real life situation can be risky, some students may need additional coaching to
complete this activity. Alternatively, choose an in-class option (see below).
Option
Have students complete the activity as a role play in small groups in class. And then run an in-class discussion.
Discussion Questions
1. In what ways is this procedure similar to or different from the way in which you usually deal with
interpersonal conflicts?
2. Was the outcome of your problem-solving session different from what it might have been if you had communicated
in your usual style? How?
3. In what ways can you use the no-lose methods in your interpersonal conflicts? With whom? On what issues?
What kinds of behavior will be especially important?
4. What concerns or hesitations do you have about using the win-win approach? Why?
5. Diagram a Conflict
Objectives
To help students understand the concept of conflict.
To illustrate the parts of the conflict definition with real-life examples.
Instructions
1. Review the elements of the conflict definition in the text, using examples.
2. Have students (individually or in pairs) diagram a conflict in their own lives illustrating (either visually or verbally)
each part of the definition. You might put thought-provoking questions on the board to help them sort through the
parts. For example:
• Expressed Struggle: When and how did both parties become aware of the conflict?
• Perceived Incompatible Goals: What goals do each party have that are incompatible? Do you feel they are truly
incompatible? Or can you see options for mutually satisfying solutions?
• Perceived Scarce Resources: What are the resources in this conflict that either party may perceive as limited?
• Interdependence: What, specifically, does one party depend on the other for, and vice-versa?
• Interference from Other Party: Is your conflict a minor dispute or a full-fledged conflict? How have the parties
acted to prevent each other from reaching their goals?
Discussion Questions
1. Did you learn anything new about your conflict from analyzing it in this way?
2. What is your attitude toward conflict, in general?
3. What do you suppose the attitude of the other party might be?
4. How long has this conflict been present in this relationship? Have you taken any actions to resolve it previously? If
not, how soon do you think you and/or the other party can address it?
5. How important are the goals of the other party to you? Can you envision a solution in which both of your needs and
goals are met? Or are you mostly concerned with defending yourself? How about the other party?
6. Speculate about positive, constructive outcomes that may occur from handling this conflict effectively?
6.Workplace Bullying (MindTap Ch 12: The Nature of Conflict – On the Job)
Objective
To be able to identify workplace bullying.
To understand the consequences of workplace bullying.
Instructions
Have students individually complete “Workplace Bullying” (MindTap Ch 12: The Nature of Conflict – On the Job) prior to
class and use as a basis for class discussion, see questions below.
Discussion Questions
1. What are the potential short and long-term effects of workplace bullying?
2. Have you experienced situations like those described in the text?
3. Which of the strategies for managing bullying make most sense to you?
4. Suggest other skills from this course that might help to manage bullying situations like these.
5. Could these strategies apply to other bullying contexts (e.g., in school situations?). Explain.
7.Dirty Fighting with Crazymakers (MindTap Ch 12: The Nature of Conflict –Ethical Challenge)
Objective
To be able to identify crazymaking behaviors.
To understand the impact of crazymaking on conflict.
Instructions
Have students individually complete “Dirty Fighting with Crazymakers” (MindTap Ch 12: The Nature of Conflict –Ethical
Challenge) prior to class and use as a basis for class discussion, see questions below.
Discussion Questions
1. Choose a familiar crazymaking type from those described in this feature. When faced with conflict, why do you
think someone would choose to use this crazymaking type rather than one of the other approaches to conflict?
What do you think they are trying to accomplish?
2. Using the crazymaking type you chose in the previous question, describe how they would need to
change their behavior to have a more effective approach to conflict.
3. Does better understanding the motivation behind this crazymaker’s behavior offer you insights about
how to respond to them?
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Sample Quiz
1. A conflict can exist only when both parties are aware of a disagreement.
2. One key to the win-win approach to conflict resolution is to look for the single best solution at the beginning of your
conversation.
3. Direct aggression is described as physical attacks and swearing, but does not include teasing or nonverbal gestures.
4. An avoiding conflict style reflects the belief that there is no good way to resolve the conflict at hand.
5. Compromise is considered a win-win conflict style because each person gets at least some of what they want.
6. You and your partner’s pattern of managing disagreements that repeats itself over time is called your
a. relational conflict style.
b. cognitive dissonance pattern.
c. harmony/disharmony pattern.
d. “Vesuvius.”
e. assertive message format.
7. Rhonda complains to Collin that she’s tired of their weekend routine. Irritated, Collin snaps back that he’s tired of her
complaining. Their conflict pattern reflects which of the following conflict styles?
a. complementary
b. symmetrical
c. tangential
d. conditional
e. None of these answers are correct
8. Conflict rituals
a. are always damaging.
b. should be replaced with compromise.
c. most often involve avoidance by both of the participants in the conflict.
d. become problems when they are seen as the only way to resolve problems.
e. are defined as ways partners use guilt and intimidation to fight dirty.
9. The conflict style where one has a low concern for him/herself and a high concern for others is called
a. avoiding.
b. collaborating.
c. compromising.
d. competing
e. accommodating.
10. The distinguishing characteristic in win-lose problem solving is
a. passivity.
b. power.
c. aggression.
d. discussion.
e. assertiveness.
INSTRUCTIONS for questions 11-15: Match each of the following crazymakers with its description.
a. mind reader
b. crisis tickler
c. guilt maker
d. pseudoaccommodator
e. avoider
11. When this person’s partner brings up a problem, she pretends to be busy with the laundry.
12. This person pretends to give in and then continues to act in the same way.
13. This person handles conflict by trying to make her partner feel responsible for causing her discomfort.
14. This person almost brings what’s bothering him to the surface, but never quite comes out and expresses himself.
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15. Instead of expressing her feelings honestly, this person explains what her partner “really” means or what’s “really
wrong.”
16. Explain a current conflict you are having with a friend or loved one. Apply the win-win method to arrive at a solution
using all six steps as though you were speaking to your partner. Explain what you believe might be the outcome of
using this method to solve the problem.
Answer: will vary Type: E Constructive Conflict Skills Synthesis
17. Pick the two crazymakers you use most often. For each, describe the circumstances in which the crazymaker is used,
the function which the crazymaker serves, the consequences of using the crazymaker, and any alternative behavior
which would be more constructive.
Answer: will vary Type: E Conflict Styles Evaluation
18. “In order for there to be winners, there have to be losers.” Discuss this statement by examining an interpersonal
conflict in which you have been involved.
Answer: will vary Type: E Conflict Styles Synthesis
19. Examine the differences between men and women in how they approach conflict. Include research findings as well
as your own personal experiences in your discussion.
Answer: will vary Type: E Variables in Conflict Styles Synthesis
20. Describe what you believe to be your primary conflict style, and discuss its effectiveness. If necessary, suggest
alternatives, and explain your reasoning.
Answer: will vary Type: E Conflict Styles Evaluation
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Part 3
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
USING FEATURE FILMS IN THE INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION COURSE
“Are we going to see a movie today?” When students learn that the “show” will be a feature film, their interest level goes
up even more. Beyond entertainment, however, feature films provide a valuable supplement to the reading, lecture,
discussion, and other activities more common in the classroom.
Uses of Film and Television
To Model Desirable Behaviors: By providing positive models of skillful communication, instructors can capitalize on the
power of the media to further their instructional goals. The empathic listening of Judd Hirsch in Ordinary People, the
positive communication climate created by Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society, or the family values illustrated in
Running on Empty help students understand how they can behave more effectively in their own lives.
To Illustrate Ineffective Communication: In addition to providing positive models, film and television can provide
illustrations of ineffective or counterproductive types of communication. The controlling behavior of Nurse Ratched in One
Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest provides a vivid portrait of the abuse of power. Valmont’s manipulative strategies in
Dangerous Liaisons offers a cautionary tale of the evils of deceit. Bull Meecham’s autocratic domination of his family in
The Great Santini can help future parents avoid the same sort of alienation he suffered from his children and wife.
To Provide Material for Description and Analysis: Films are not only useful in skills-oriented parts of the interpersonal
communication course; they can also provide outstanding examples when the goal is to illustrate or analyze communication
behavior. Consider, for example, the subject of stages in relational development and deterioration. A good text and lecture
can introduce various models of relational trajectories, but dramatic illustrations can make them real. Students who watch
the rise and fall of the romance between Woody Allen and Diane Keaton in Annie Hall gain an understanding of relational
stages that goes far beyond what they gain in a lecture that is not supported with illustrations. Likewise, the way a single
incident can appear different from the perspectives of various observers and participants is illustrated dramatically in Akira
Kurosawa’s classic film Rashomon.
Advantages of Film and Television: The value of film becomes clear when the medium is compared to the alternatives.
Lecturing about how to communicate more effectively is important, but it is clearly a different matter from illustrating the
actual behavior. Describing appropriate self–disclosure or use of “I” language, for instance, is no substitute for providing
examples of how this behavior looks and sounds in common situations.
Films also can have advantages over students sharing their own personal experiences. While this sort of involvement
can demonstrate the relevance of ideas introduced in a course, some topics do not lend themselves to personal examples.
For example, it is unlikely that students or instructors will feel comfortable discussing their own experiences with deceptive
communication, remediating embarrassment, or sexual involvement. With topics like these, films and television provide an
ideal way to illustrate people realistically handling the issues without invading the privacy of students.
Role-playing appropriate behaviors has its advantages, but this sort of impromptu acting is often simplistic,
artificial, and only remotely linked to how interactions occur in the “real” world beyond the classroom. Every instructor
who has tried to demonstrate principles like self-disclosure or conflict management skills by staging a scene in the classroom
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knows that this approach can fall flat as often as it can succeed. Student actors are self-conscious, situations are often
contrived, and the whole activity often lacks the spontaneity and dynamism that occurs in real life.
Nothing in this argument should be taken to suggest that all films or television programming can be legitimately or
productively used to support instruction. Works with unrealistic plots or dialogue, poor acting, and shabby production values
are likely to be unusable. Furthermore, some programming may be too upsetting or otherwise inappropriate for classroom
use. But well-chosen examples, supported with commentary by an instructor, can be a legitimate and uniquely effective
means of enhancing principles introduced by more traditional means.
Film is never likely to replace more traditional methods of instruction. The clarity of a good textbook, the lectures
and commentary of a talented instructor, and the contributions of motivated students are all essential ingredients in
successful instruction. But the addition of dramatizations from television and film provide a complement to these elements.
Advantages of Films and Television Programs
Availability: Not too many years ago, screening films for students was a time-consuming and expensive task. With DVDs,
film rental sources and Internet streaming, literally thousands of titles are available quickly, easily, and inexpensively.
Flexibility: In addition to their availability, another benefit of examples from film and television is their flexibility. They
can be edited in advance, played repeatedly for examination and analysis, and they are highly portable. As the following
section illustrates, they can be used in a number of ways.
What Film or Television Program to Use? How to Use It?
Films and TV programs should be selected and used carefully in the interpersonal communication course to avoid
trivializing the subject matter or confusing students. The text has suggestions for films and TV programs at the end of each
chapter. Look for thorough descriptions of the following films and TV programs in the text (TV programs are marked with
an asterisk):
Chapter 1
Into the Wild (why we communicate)
Up in the Air (why we communicate)
The Social Network (social media)
How I Met Your Mother* (transactional communication)
House M.D.* (communication competence)
Chapter 2
Chef (social media and impression management)
The Social Network (social media)
You and Me and Everyone We Know (relationships and social media)
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Chapter 3
She’s Out of My League (influences on the self-concept)
Disney’s The Kid (influences on the self-concept)
Princess Diaries (self-fulfilling prophecies)
She’s All That (self-fulfilling prophecies)
Trading Places (self-fulfilling prophecies)
Pretty Woman (self-fulfilling prophecies)
Miss Congeniality (self-fulfilling prophecies)
Catfish (identity management)
The Invention of Lying (alternatives to self-disclosure)
Liar, Liar (alternatives to self-disclosure)
Chapter 4
Crash (stereotyping)
Lars and the Real Girl (narratives)
Temple Grandin (influences on perception)
Undercover Boss* (gaining empathy)
White Collar* (gaining empathy)
Chapter 5
Big Bang Theory* (emotional intelligence)
Mad Men* (social conventions for expressing emotions)
The Office* (emotional intelligence)
Yes Man (debilitative and facilitative emotions)
Chapter 6
The Miracle Worker (the importance of language)
The N-Word (cultural rules for language)
Mean Girls (linguistic convergence)
Doubt (the impact of language)
The Help (the impact of language)
When Harry Met Sally (gender and language)
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Chapter 7
Downton Abbey* (reading nonverbal cues)
Hitch (nonverbal identity management)
Crazy, Stupid Love (nonverbal identity management)
Lie to Me * (detecting deception)
What Not to Wear* (appearance)
Working Girl (identity management)
Chapter 8
CSI and Law & Order *(the importance of listening)
The Devil Wears Prada (ineffective listening)
50/50 (supportive listening)
Children of a Lesser God (empathic listening)
Chapter 9
TV reality shows (relational attraction)
The Break-Up (relational stages)
(500) Days of Summer (relational stages)
Parenthood* (relational messages)
Cyrus (relational dialectics)
Chapter 10
The Way, Way Back (communication in families)
Atonement (repairing damaged relationships)
Chapter 11
Everybody Loves Raymond *(confirming and disconfirming communication)
Bully (confirming and disconfirming communication)
The King’s Speech (supportive and defensive climates)
TV performance contests (giving and receiving criticism)
Chapter 12
The Hunger Games (nature of conflict)
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Win Win (conflict styles)
Borat (culture and conflict)
Widely available films, television programs and topics illustrated
In addition to those films and television programs highlighted in the text, many more are available. Following is a list of available
films (and TV programs marked with an asterisk) , the chapter most closely associated with the film/program, and the general
context of the film/program (e.g., friendships, work relationships, family, couple, etc.). Please see the website for more thorough
descriptions.
Chapter 1: A First Look at Interpersonal Communication
The Accidental Tourist (couple)
The Anniversary Party (friendship/acquaintances)
Babel (impersonal and interpersonal communication)
A Beautiful Mind (strangers)
The Breakfast Club (friendship/acquaintances)
Cast Away (why we communicate)
Children of a Lesser God (work/organizations)
Dad (medical)
Dangerous Liaisons (couple)
Denise Calls Up (friendship/acquaintances)
Dominick and Eugene (family)
Erin Brockovich (communication competence)
Friends* (transactional communication)
Gung Ho (work/organizations)
Intimacy (family)
Italian for Beginners (couple)
Joy Luck Club (family)
Kramer vs. Kramer (friendship/acquaintances)
Life Lessons (in New York Stories) (couple)
My Family (Mi Familia) (family)
Nothing in Common (friendship/acquaintances, family, work/organizations)
An Officer and a Gentleman (work/organizations)
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One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
On Golden Pond (friendship/acquaintances)
Rain Man (family)
Ordinary People (family)
Parenthood (work/organizations)
Shrek (friendship/acquaintances)
Swept Away (couple)
Terms of Endearment (work/organizations)
The Office* (communication competence)
The Unbearable Lightness of Being (couple)
The Visitor (the nature of interpersonal communication)
Waking Life (friendship/acquaintances)
When a Man Loves a Woman (couple)
When Harry Met Sally (couple)
You’ve Got Mail (couple)
Chapter 2: Social Media and Communication
Chef (social media)
Disconnect (social media)
The Internship (social media)
Julia and Julia (social media)
The Social Network (social media)
You and Me and Everyone We Know (social media)
Chapter 3: Communication and Identity
Akeelah and the Bee (influence on the self-concept)
Antz (work/organizations)
All About Eve (couple)
Before Sunrise (the process of self-disclosure)
Before Sunset (the process of self-disclosure)
Boyz in the Hood (influences on the self-concept)
The Breakfast Club (friendship/acquaintances)
Bridget Jones’s Diary (influence on self-concept)
Brokeback Mountain (identity management)
Catch Me If You Can (identity management)
The Closet (work/organizations)
Clueless (school)
Children of a Lesser God (work/organizations, friendship/acquaintances)
The Color Purple (couple)
Dad (medical)
Finding Forester (strangers)
First Wives Club (friendship)
Grease (couple)
The Great Santini (family, work/organizations)
Gung Ho (work/organizations)
I’ve Loved You So Long (the process of self-disclosure)
Kramer vs. Kramer (friendship/acquaintances)
Liar, Liar (alternatives to self-disclosure)
Made* (changing the self)
Magnolia (alternatives to self-disclosure)
Meet the Parents (alternatives to self-disclosure)
Mr. Holland’s Opus (family, school)
Parenthood (family, friendship/acquaintances, work/organizations)
Pay It Forward (family)
Pretty Woman (couple)
Riding in Cars with Boys (family)
The Right Stuff (work/organizations)
Secrets & Lies (benefits and risks of self-disclosure; alternatives to self-disclosure)
Shallow Hal (couple)
Shirley Valentine (school)
Stand and Deliver (self-fulfilling prophecy)
Stand By Me (friendship/acquaintances)
The Story of Us (couple)
Transamerica (self-disclosure in family and relationships)
The Truth about Cats and Dogs (couple)