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CHAPTER 10
COMMUNICATION IN CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS
Objectives
After studying the material in Chapter Nine of Looking Out/Looking In, you should understand:
1. Identify the level and types of intimacy in a specific relationship, and describe ways in which the
quality and extent of intimacy could be improved.
2. For a specific family, explain how family roles are created and perpetuated through communication.
3. Describe the systemic properties of a particular family unit, and also describe that family’s
communication patterns.
4. Identify the various types of friendships in your life, and evaluate how effectively they are sustained
through communication.
6. Evaluate how effectively the partners in a specific romantic relationship adapt to one another’s love
languages.
7. Choose and use communication strategies to help maintain and support a close, committed
relationship.
8. Describe the possible strategies for repairing a given relational transgression.
Notes on Class and Student Activities
1. Your IQ (Intimacy Quotient) (MindTap Ch 10: Intimacy in Close Relationships – Pause and Reflect)
Objective
To help students determine the levels of intimacy in their important relationships.
Reinforce for students the many different types of intimacy (many think only of physical intimacy at first).
Instructions
Assign the activity “Your IQ” (Intimacy Quotient) (MindTap Ch 10: Intimacy in Close Relationships –
Pause and Reflect)
as an individual activity. Lead a class discussion to compare answers and discuss the following questions
based on the activity:
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1. Which dimensions of intimacy were the easiest to identify on the scale? Why?
2. Which dimensions of intimacy were challenging to identify? Why?
3. What do your responses to each dimension of intimacy reveal about this relationship?
4. In general, how can understanding you intimacy profile help you to have more satisfying
relationships?
2. Romance in the Workplace (
MindTap Ch 10: Intimacy in Close Relationships – On the Job
)
Objective
To increase student awareness of the negative and positive impacts and implications of romance in the
workplace.
Instructions
Have students answer the questions associated with “Romance in the Workplace” Romance in the
Workplace (MindTap Ch 10: Intimacy in Close Relationships – On the Job) as an individual activity. Lead
a class discussion to compare answers and discuss the following questions based on the activity:
Discussion Questions
1. Given the risks of workplace romances – a relationship that will likely eventually end and
depending on circumstances may negative impact your career – and the benefits – a relationship
with someone who shares your experience and in close proximity that ends in marriage more than
30% of the time – do you think that workplace romances are worth the risk? Why or why not?
2. If you or someone close to you were about to enter into a workplace romance, what rules (at least
3) would you recommend they follow to be “subtle and discreet” in their behavior?
3. In general, how do you feel about intimate displays of emotion in the workplace?
3.Assessing Formative Effects of Family Communication (10.2 in the Student Activities Manual)
Objective
Identify the formative effects of family communication on self-concept and self-esteem.
Reflect on how early family experience contributes to self-concept and self-esteem.
Instructions
Have students complete the activity “Assessing Formative Effects of Family Communication” (10.2 in the
Student Activities Manual) as an individual activity. Have students compare and contrast answers in small
as below:
This activity can trigger uncomfortable emotions for many students, so be careful to set boundaries for safe self–
disclosure. Remind students that their focus is on the formative effects rather than on transgressions or other
difficult circumstances.
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Discussion Questions
1. What are some of the formative messages about life that you received from your family?
2. Did you grow up in a home with stable caregivers who offered you feelings of security and
worthiness? Or did you grow up in an unstable home where you experienced fears of abandonment?
3. How did your birth order affect your role in the family and sense of self?
4. What kinship roles did you play in your family, such as sister, brother, son or daughter? What
“label” roles did you receive from others such as “the athletic one” or “the clumsy one”?
5. If some of the effects of your family communication had negative results, what steps might you take
to reduce the impact on your self-concept and self-esteem in the future?
4. When Friends Get in the Way (MindTap Ch 10: Communication in Friendships – reading feature)
Objective
To reflect on the impact of friendships on romantic relationships.
Instructions
Lead students in a class discussion based on the following questions associated with reading feature:
“When Friends Get in the Way” (MindTap Ch 10: Communication in Friendships – reading feature).
Students may complete these questions online prior to the class discussion.
Discussion Questions
1. Have you found that your friendships sometimes sabotage your love life? Or conversely, has
your love life intruded on your friendships? What do you think is the ideal balance?
2. What kinds of conversations would you need to have with your friends—or with your
romantic partners—to bring about an appropriate balance?
5. Relational Turning Points (MindTap Ch 10: Communication in Romantic Relationships – Pause &
Reflect)
Objective
To identify and understand the significance of relational turning points.
Instructions
Have students answer the questions associated with “Relational Turning Points” (MindTap Ch 10:
Communication in Romantic Relationships – Pause & Reflect) as an individual activity. Lead a class
discussion to compare answers and discuss the following questions based on the activity:
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Discussion Questions
1. How do the turning points you identified mark the transition from one relational stage
to another, using the relational stages described in Chapter 9, “Models of Relational
Dynamics.”
2. Reflect on the distribution of your turning points throughout the ten relational stages.
Do they appear across the ten stages or are the clustered in one or two stages?
3. What does your recollection of your turning points reveal about your romantic
relationship?
6. Identifying and Applying the Languages of Love” (10.5 in Student Activities Manual) or “Learning the
Languages of Love” (MindTap Ch. 5: Languages of Love – Enhance Your Understanding)
Objectives
To identify love languages.
To understand the impact of love languages on intimate relationships.
Reflect on personal love language preferences.
Instructions
Have students complete either “Identifying and Applying the Languages of Love” (10.5 in Student
Activities Manual) or “Learning the Languages of Love” (MindTap Ch. 5: Languages of Love – Enhance
Your Understanding) as an individual activity. Lead a class discussion to compare answers and discuss the
following questions based on the activity:
Discussion Questions
1. Which of the five love languages is most appealing to you? What do you think are the
primary love languages of the people closest to you?
2. Which is the most challenging love language for you to communicate?
3. What changes do you think you could make in the way you communicate love in your close
relationships?
7. Love Language Project
Objective:
To demonstrate the principles of love languages and effective use of interpersonal communication skills
through “gifting” a close interpersonal relationship.
Instructions
This Project is multi-phased and will take students several class periods to complete. Part II and IV, the
reflection paper and oral presentation are optional. Instruct students as follows:
Part I: Select the Person You Wish to Do this Love Language Project with and Interview Them to Learn about
their Preferred Love Language(s)
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Set a time when you can interview your selected person, at least ½ hour. Choose a quiet, comfortable
environment where you will be able to listen effectively.
The goal of your interview is to learn how your selected person most likes to receive expressions of
affection. You might begin by sharing the five love languages with them and asking some versions of the
following questions:
4. Based on the descriptions in this section and this piece, which of the five love languages is most
appealing to you to receive? Can you share a story/example of a time when you received affection
this way?
5. Which is the most challenging/uncomfortable love language for you to receive? Can you share a
story/example of a time when you received affection this way?
6. What changes do you think you could make in the way you receive affectionate messages in your
close relationships?
Part II: Plan a Special Event, Using Your Selected Person’s Preferred Love Language(s)
Give careful consideration to your plan, based on what you learned during your interview. Make their
favorite meal, buy a present, write a poem, complete a chore…..or all of the above.
Part III: Implement Your Love Language Event
Whatever you plan, you should spend at least one hour implementing your plan and sharing time with your
selected person.
Part IV: Reflect on Your Love Language Event
Write a personal reflection paper, at least 1.5 pages long, double spaced, typed, include the following:
1. What did you learn about your selected person and their preferred love languages from your
interview? What was challenging about the interview? What surprised you?
2. How does their preferred love languages differ from yours? Did this make it difficult to plan
your special event?
3. Comment on planning your Love Language Event. How did you come up with your ideas? What
was easy and what was challenging?
4. Comment on implementing your Love Language Event. What was enjoyable? What was
challenging? Did it go as you’d planned?
5. Comment on the Love Language Project in general. What did you learn? About the other
person? About yourself?
6. How might what you learned during this Love Language Project affect your expressions of
affection in other relationships?
Part V: Oral Presentation
Prepare a short (no more than 5 minute) informal oral presentation about your Love Language Project,
which will be shared with the class during your final exam period. Give us a sense of who you selected,
how you demonstrated your feelings of affective, and what you learned. Be creative. It’s okay to use visuals
to support your presentation, as appropriate.
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Sample Quiz
1. By definition, an intimate relationship must exhibit all four intimacy dimensions.
2. Male-male relationships involve less disclosure than male-female relationships.
3. According to the text, parents and children do not really change their communication patterns during
the transitional years of emerging adulthood.
4. Children who grow up in families with high conversation orientation have a greater number of
interpersonal skills in their later relationships.
5. Assuming your partner speaks the same love language as you is the key to success.
6. Siblings who are ___________ are often more extraverted and concerned with control than their
brothers and sisters.
a. first-born
b. middle-born
c. last-born
d. “caboose” children
e. none of the above
7. Members of an individualistic culture like the United States
a. disclose the same no matter what group is being disclosed to.
b. are not considered very romantic.
c. act more familiar with strangers and disclose more personal information.
d. shy away from public displays of affection.
8. According to research studies, which family communication pattern produces more productive and
satisfying results?
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a. No pattern is necessarily better than another.
b. consensual
c. both consensual and pluralistic
d. protective
e. both protective and laissez-faire
9. When Marlina and Zach fight, they blow things out of proportion, interrupt each other, and yell. Their
conflict style is most likely
a. volatile.
b. avoidant
c. validating.
d. protective
e. laissez-faire.
10. Social psychologist Roy Baumeister makes the case that, on average, most people want
___________ close, important relationships in their lives at any given time.
a. one to two
b. two to three
c. three to four
d. four to six
e. more than six
INSTRUCTIONS for questions 11–14: Match each statement with the family communication pattern it
characterizes.
a. consensual
b. pluralistic
c. protective
d. laissez-faire
11. Fifteen-year old Bela wants to get her nose pierced. She feels comfortable making her case and
discussing the idea with other family members, but the decision rests with her parents.
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12. The family is trying to decide where to go for summer vacation. All family members—and maybe
even other relatives—get to weigh in with their perspectives until a consensus is reached.
13. Most family members do their own thing and make their own decisions without much discussion.
14. Twelve-year old Russell asks his parents if he can attend a rock concert. They say “no” and end the
discussion there. Russell does not bring it up again.
15. Discuss the four dimensions of intimacy in a relationship that is important to you. Explain your
satisfaction with the intimacy or distance in each area. Relate any other factors (change, independence,
culture, gender, etc.) that affect your intimacy in this relationship.
Answer: will vary Type: E Intimacy in Close Relationships Evaluation
16. Discuss the differences between masculine and female intimacy styles. Include research findings
from your text to support your discussion.
Answer: will vary Type: E Intimacy in Close Relationships Comprehension
17. Explain how gender, culture and/or mediated communication affect intimacy in one of your important
relationships.
Answer: will vary Type: E Intimacy in Close Relationships Application
18. Describe how the roles in your family are created and perpetuated through communication.
Answer: will vary Type: E Communication in Families Application
19. Give examples of several different types of communication in friendships. How effective is your
communication with friends, and what communication strategies can improve and/or maintain your
friendships?
Answer: will vary Type: E Communication in Friendships Evaluation
20. Identify the love languages spoken in your own or another romantic relationship. Explain how
effectively each person adapts to the other’s love language. Make suggestions for improvement, if
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necessary.
Answer: will vary Type: E Communication in Romantic Relationships
Comprehension