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Solutions – Chapter 6 ⚫ 1
CHAPTER 6 SOLUTIONS
Writing Improvement Exercises
Improving Subject Lines and Opening Paragraphs in Positive Messages (Objs. 1, 2)
16. Subject line: Need Advice on Selecting a Computing Device for a Small Business
Opening sentence: Please advise me on selecting the right computing device for my small
business.
17. Subject line: Are You Available to Give Advice on Planning a Charity Golf Tournament?
Opening sentence: Could our charity, Newborns in Need, commission you to help us learn
how to plan a charity golf tournament?
18. Subject line: Need Advice on Initiating Internship Program at First Federal
Opening sentence: First Federal Bank would deeply appreciate your answers to a few
questions to help us learn about developing an internship program.
Writing Instructions (Obj. 2)
22. To make a YouTube video, follow these steps:
1. Obtain a video recording device such as a smartphone, webcam, or camcorder.
2. Decide whether you want to make a video blog, comedy skit, how-to video, or travel
video.
3. Be prepared to record multiple takes, which can be stitched together later.
4. Transfer the video files to your computer.
5. Use computer editing software to improve, delete, or otherwise change your footage.
23. To submit an order:
1. Find the items you want in the catalog.
2. Add the items to your shopping cart.
Solutions – Chapter 6 ⚫ 2
5. Enter a shipping address and shipping method.
6. Provide payment information.
7. Review and submit your order.
24. Five Tips for Getting and Keeping Good Credit
• Get a gas store card. These are easier to get than regular credit cards, and they
establish a credit history as you make small payments in full and on time.
6.1 Radical Rewrite
Direct Request—Patient Privacy Breach at Medical Office
Weaknesses
a. Fails to use a meaningful subject line and includes a dated salutation.
b. Opens with an explanation instead of a direct request.
c. Presents information haphazardly; the document looks like an unrevised first draft.
Revision
To: w.e.vance@securityspecialists.com
From: dr.jeremy.chen@valleyinternists.com
Subject: How to Protect Patient Data in Small Medical Practice
Cc:
Bcc:
Please help me better understand how to protect patients' medical information. As a physician in
a small medical practice, I am concerned about patient data breaches.
Your website is promising but a bit overwhelming. I have a few specific questions to ask about
your services. My practice may already have experienced a security breach, and I'm seeking
answers to the following questions:
Solutions – Chapter 6 ⚫ 3
• Do you provide guidance in notifying affected patients, and are you discreet about such
notifications?
• If you discover that laws have been broken, are you obligated to report them to law
enforcement agencies?
6.2 Radical Rewrite
Direct Response—Sending Answers to Data Breach Questions
Weaknesses
a. Begins weakly with an obvious and unnecessary statement instead of expressing
appreciation for the inquiry and conveying confidence that Security Specialists can
help solve the writer's problems.
b. Fails to organize answers to questions in a logical order.
c. Does not see the opportunity to use "down-editing" (copying the recipient’s questions
Revision
To: dr.jeremy.chen@valleyinternists.com
From: w.e.vance@securityspecialists.com
Subject: Answering Your Questions and Scheduling a Call on March 19
Cc:
Bcc:
Dear Dr. Chen:
We appreciate your interest in Security Specialists. We are confident that we can offer you
expert guidance in the areas of cyber security, data breach response, and incident analysis
solutions.
Solutions – Chapter 6 ⚫ 4
You are smart to seek advice in protecting patient data. Although you may have limited
resources, even the smallest firm will benefit from basic security awareness training in proper
handling, storing, and processing patient health information.
Let me respond to your specific questions. See my answers in italics:
• Are you experienced in working with small medical firms?
Yes, we have worked with many small medical firms and have been able to address
their specific needs.
May I call you on March 19 at 4:30 p.m.? At that time I can provide more extensive answers to
your questions. Please rest assured that Security Specialists can help you investigate and control
any data breach incidents.
Warren E. Vance
[Full contact information]
6.3 Radical Rewrite
Instruction Memo—New Procedure for Submitting Travel Expenses
Weaknesses
a. Opens negatively by telling what can't be done.
b. Fails to begin with a direct statement introducing the procedure for submitting expense
claims.
Revision
Date: Current date
To: Staff Members
From: Marcy Needham, Accounting
Subject: Procedure for Submitting Travel Expense Claims
Solutions – Chapter 6 ⚫ 5
To be quickly and properly reimbursed for your travel expenses, please follow these instructions:
• Read the revised Travel Expense Policy, which is available on the company intranet.
• Note that the mileage reimbursement on personal vehicles is now 56.5 cents per mile.
6.4 Radical Rewrite
Direct Claim—Car Rental Horror Story
Weaknesses
a. Fails to address the receiver appropriately and misspells Joseph Morgan’s name.
b. Opens with an angry statement instead of summarizing a desired action.
c. Uses an argumentative, belligerent, and unprofessional tone.
d. Includes wordy, outdated, and redundant expressions (in view of the fact that, inasmuch as,
true facts).
e. Closes with a cliché instead of ending pleasantly and asking for action by a specific date.
Revision
Current date
Mr. Joseph A. Morgan
Regional General Manager
ProCar Rentals
4510 Cyprus Street
Denver, CO 80246
Dear Mr. Morgan:
We are asking you to help us retrieve $60 from your Colorado Springs Airport location. This
amount covers taxes and surcharges that were omitted from a recent refund of $180 to our
corporate account. We have had difficulty reaching the local manager, apparently the only
person who can authorize such transactions.
Solutions – Chapter 6 ⚫ 6
threatening to keep calling until he spoke to me, I coaxed the Colorado Springs manager to the
phone. He promised to credit the cost of the navigation device to our account.
When we checked our account statement, we noticed that the manager had forgotten to add $60
in taxes and surcharges that had also been assessed for the GPS. We are asking that you use your
influence to issue the credit to our account, given our problematic communication with your
Colorado Springs branch.
Solutions – Chapter 6 ⚫ 7
Activities and Cases
6.5 Short Responses to Online Comments
a. Pros: Immediate, personal response; reply provides contact information for follow-up.
Response is given within 24 hours.
Cons: Although the company addresses the writer personally, an additional sentence could
have included a statement that reassures other users about the brand’s commitment to
exceptional customer service. The writer appears to be careless. She fails to capitalize, for
example, and her tone is very casual (you guys).
b. Pros: The company assures the user that Facebook fans will be the first to hear about the
release date for a new product. Not giving a specific release date creates suspense and may
motivate brand supporters to return to the page frequently.
Solutions – Chapter 6 ⚫ 8
6.6 Direct Request: Social Media Pro Wanted
To: Rick Mainka <rick.mainka@mediaresources.com>
From: Your name <yourname>
Subject: Searching for Advice and Information About Social Media Experts
Cc:
Bcc:
Dear Mr. Mainka:
You have been recommended by Home & Yard CEO Jack Blum as a trusted source of
information. I’m hoping you can help me learn more about social media experts, as my company
is considering hiring one.
Our company wonders whether it would benefit from hiring a social media specialist who could
keep abreast of online social venues and promote our company’s brand as well as perform other
beneficial tasks. Answers to the following questions will assist me in deciding whether to
suggest pursuing this issue:
• How could a social media specialist benefit Home & Yard?
• What salary range is appropriate for such a specialist?
Solutions – Chapter 6 ⚫ 9
6.7 Direct Request: Paws for Philanthropy and Community Relations
Current date
Ms. Helen Adams
Northwestern Guide Dogs
512 Maynard Alley South
Seattle, WA 98104
Dear Ms. Adams:
Please answer some questions regarding Northwestern Guide Dogs’ program for volunteers to
raise puppies for guide dog training.
My corporation is interested in extending its community outreach program, and we want to
explore the possibility of providing volunteers. We are excited about the possibility and have a
number of questions.
1. Does Northwestern Guide Dogs have any programs that encourage corporate sponsors to
provide volunteers?
As you can see, we are exceedingly interested in an opportunity to develop a corporate program
encouraging volunteers to become Northwestern Guide puppy raisers. We admire this excellent
program that enriches the lives of blind people and helps them travel safely and confidently.
Solutions – Chapter 6 ⚫ 10
6.8 Direct Request: Planning a Plush Winter Retreat
To: Laura O’Malley <lomalley@fourseasonsresort.com>
From: [Your Name]
Subject: Requesting Information About Potential Conference and Facilities for 85 Guests
Cc:
Bcc:
Dear Ms. O’Malley:
Can Four Seasons Resort provide 50 rooms accommodating about 85 guests for either December
15-19, 2015, or January 12-16, 2016?
My company will be hosting a four-day combination sales conference/vacation/retreat for 55 of
our marketing and media professionals and their families. Please answer the following questions
about the Four Seasons, to help us determine whether this is a suitable resort:
• What are the room rates? Is there any discount for groups or for corporate customers?
• Do you have two conference rooms available that would hold 25 people? We would need
these rooms for one and a half days. What are the sizes and cost of these rooms?
• Do the conference rooms have audiovisual and computer facilities as well as Internet access?
Your answers to these questions before September 1 will help me make a complete presentation
to our CEO, who is eager to select a spectacular resort for this conference and retreat.
Sincerely,
