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2013, January Guffey Newsletter
Bonus Case Study
Confusing Office Move Message
The following message, which originated in an international technology company, was intended
to inform new team members about their upcoming move to a different office location. But its
stream-of-conscious thinking and jumbled connections leave the receiver confused as to what
is expected and how to respond.
Your Task. Study the complete message. Then revise it with (a) a clear introduction that states
the purpose of the message, (b) a body with properly announced lists, and (c) a conclusion that
includes a call to action and a deadline. Improve the organization by chunking similar material
together. What questions must be answered? What tasks should be performed? Make it easy
for receivers to respond by "down editing," i.e., returning the message with their responses (in
another color) interspersed among listed items. Finally, consider adding "you" view to the
message. It can be either an e-mail or a memo.
______________________________________________________________________________
Hello everyone,
We’ll be moving new team members into a new location next week so there are things we need
you to do to be ready for the move. For one thing, let me know which Friday you want your
personal items moved. The possibilities are November 9 and 16. Also, if you have an ergonomic
desk or chair you want moved, let me know. By the way, we’ll be sending boxes, labels, tape
and a move map four or five days before the move date you choose, so let me know if this
desks, ergonomic chairs, etc. If you see old move labels on recycled boxes, remove them or
cross them out.
Get back to me ASAP. And by the way, the movers will arrive between 4 p.m. and midnight on
the move date.
Thank you.
Possible Solution
New team members,
The office move to your new location will take place on either November 9 or November 16.
The movers will arrive between 4 p.m. and midnight. Your responses to the following questions
and completion of the tasks involved will help ensure that your items arrive safely and be
where you want them.
Please answer the following questions:
1. Move requests for your personal items will be arranged on 11/9 or 11/16 (Fridays);
which of those days is better for you?
2. Do you have an ergonomic desk or chair (or other large furniture) that you want moved
to your new office location? If so, please list those items.
Please complete the following tasks:
1. Use foam pads to box up fragile and valuable items: IT plaques, glass, or anniversary
glass sculptures. Glass replacements are expensive, and the cost center is responsible
for replacement. As an option, you may personally move glass sculptures or valuables.
3. Indicate on the move map the number and delivery location of whiteboards,
corkboards, and rolling cabinets.
4. Add a name label to your belongings, such as desk phones, docking stations, peripherals,
monitors, tables, ergo desks, and ergo chairs.
5. Remove or cross out old move labels if using recycled boxes.
