Chapter 8
Interpersonal Communication
What you’ll know:
• The characteristics of emotional support messages
• Why and how we manage privacy and disclosure in interpersonal relationships
• Ways to express desires and expectations
• Different conflict management styles
What you’ll be able to do:
• Offer effective emotional support messages
• Make informed choices regarding what, when, and with whom to disclose your thoughts and
feelings
• Practice direct and indirect strategies for maintaining privacy
• Express your personal desires and expectations assertively
• Manage conflict by using an appropriate conflict management style
Chapter Outline
I. Providing Emotional Support
A. Communication climate: overall emotional tone of your relationship
1. Positive communication climate: one where partners feel valued and supported
2. Confirming communication messages: convey that we care about our partner
3. Disconfirming communication messages: signal a lack of regard for our partner
B. Comforting Guidelines
1. Clarify supportive intentions
2. Buffer face threats with politeness
3. Encourage understanding through other-centered messages
4. Reframe the situation
5. Give advice
a. Ask permission first
b. Describe the behavior and its consequences precisely
c. Preface criticism with an affirming statement
d. When appropriate, suggest how the person can change the behavior
G. Privacy management guidelines
1. Indirect strategies
a. Change the subject
b. Mask feelings
c. Tell a white lie
2. Direct strategy: establishing a personal boundary
a. Recognize why you are choosing not to share the information
b. Identify your rule that guided your decision
c. Form an I-centered message that establishes a boundary
III. Expressing Desires and Expectations
C. Passive-Aggressive communication style: submitting to another’s demands and concealing
your needs, rights, desires, and expectations.
1. Hostility is expressed indirectly
D. Assertive communication style: expressing your personal preferences and defending your
personal rights while respecting the preferences and rights of others
E. Cultural and co-cultural considerations
1. While Western cultures value and practice assertiveness, collectivist societies value accord
and harmony
2. Men in Latin and Hispanic societies are taught to practice behavior that goes far beyond
the guidelines for assertive behavior
3. Regardless of culture, passive behavior can cause resentment and aggressive behavior
leads to fear and misunderstanding
IV. Managing Conflict in Relationships
A. Interpersonal conflict: when the needs or ideas of one person are at odds or in opposition to
the needs or ideas of another; conflict occurs in all relationships and is not a sign of a bad
relationship
2. Shaping a conversation towards collaboration
a. Disengage
b. Respond with genuine concern
c. Paraphrase and ask questions
d. Seek common ground
e. Ask for alternative solutions
Discussion and Assignment Ideas
I. Have you ever sat down next to someone on a bus or an airplane and ended up telling them your
life story? Or was it the other way around, where they were the one who disclosed information?
What kind of disclosure was it—feelings disclosure, biographical disclosure, or both? Did you enjoy this
situation, or did it make you feel uncomfortable? Why do some people feel comfortable
disclosing so much personal information to others in this situation? Is this a uniquely American
phenomenon, or do you think most other cultures act the same way?
II. Quotes: These can be used to introduce topics, questions perspectives, or gain individual opinion.
Providing students with a quote and prompting them to write or reflect on their personal feelings
about the quote can help to spark discussion and interest. Suggested prompts may include “Define this
concept in your own words”; “Do you agree with this statement? Explain”; “What text material can be
used to support or refute this idea?”
Power resides not in aggressiveness but in conscious choice.
—Stephanie Rhea
Compromise makes a good umbrella but a poor roof.
—James Russell Lowell
When our children see us expressing our emotions, they can learn that their own feelings are
natural and permissible, can be expressed, and can be talked about.
—Fred Rogers
III. Under what circumstances would unreciprocated self-disclosure be appropriate? What is the nature
of such relationships (type, duration)? What are a few specific precautions that can be taken to
avoid a negative situation involving unreciprocated self-disclosure?
Technology Resources
Use cengagebrain.com to find the article provided via Web Links: How to Say No. Do you find it hard to
say no? Why is it important to learn how to say no? What are some of the ways you could see
yourself saying no in the future?
Movies
Movies and movie clips can be used to help students grasp concepts. Clips can be shown in class, or
movies can be assigned as homework. Following the movie clips, ask students written or oral
questions. These questions should address pertinent concepts, thereby actively engaging students in
discussion.
Breakfast Club (1985)
Rated: R (Profanity, mature themes)
Synopsis: Five very different high school students find themselves stuck for the day at the high
school during Saturday detention. Over the course of the day, the geek, the popular girl, the wrestling
star, the rebel, and the outcast slowly come to realize that they are not so different after all.
Questions for discussion
1. As the morning progressed, the group was willing and able to tell why they were sent to detention.
Why were they willing to share their stories with total strangers?
2. Why did the characters reveal deeper information about themselves only near the end of the
movie?
3. How did this new knowledge affect the group?
4. Do you think the group will remain friends after the movie is over? If not, why not, given the
amount of disclosure that has occurred?
The Departed (2006)
Rated: R (Violence, profanity, sex)
Synopsis: Two young Irish Americans in Boston become cops, but each follows a very different path.
One, Sullivan, is corrupt and provides the gangster boss with information from the inside. The other,
Costigan, goes undercover to infiltrate the inner sanctum of the Irish mafia. What results is a game of cat
and mouse, as Costigan sends information to the police and Sullivan counters by leaking police
information back to the mob. Everyone knows there are leaks, but it comes down to a game of wits to
determine where they are coming from.
Questions for discussion
Additional movie suggestions: How Stella Got Her Grove Back (1998) (self-disclosure); Chasing Amy
(1997) (self-disclosure, gender); He Said, She Said (1991) (self-disclosure, gender); Bend It Like
Beckham (2002) (dialectical tensions); About a Boy (2002) (need for intimacy); In Her Shoes (2005)
(intimacy and self-disclosure in family relationships); Transamerica (2006) (intimacy and selfdisclosure
in family relationships); The Secret Lives of Dentists (2002) (conflict styles)
Other Media Resources
Skills and Competency
Please refer to cengagebrain.com for prompts to Skill Learning Activities 8.3: Skill Building: Identifying
Descriptions of Feelings and 8.6: Skill Building: Assertive Messages. The following suggested answers to
this activity can also be found in the Communicate! online textbook resources.
8.6: Skill Building: Assertive Messages
1. Gee, I’m sorry, but I need to use my computer now. I’ll be glad to let you know when I’m done.
2. I’m really sorry that Martin has left you in a bind, but I can’t stay this evening.
3. Oh, Gram, I’m sorry you did that. I’m not available on Saturday, but I’d be happy to do that some
other time. I know you hate to disappoint Auntie Margie, so next time it would be better if you
checked with me first.
4. Oh. Well, I’ve really looked forward to dancing this evening, so I guess I would prefer to stick with
our original plan.
5. Hey, you’re scaring me. Please slow down, back off, and stop swerving. If you’re going to continue
driving like this, please let me out.
Chapter Activities
8.1: Constructive Criticism
Purpose: To explore constructive criticism responses and prepare students to offer constructive
feedback to each other after they give speeches
Time: 50 minutes
then identifying what could be improved upon.
8.2: Conflict Styles
Purpose: To practice resolving and managing conflicts and to explore the pros and cons of
different conflict styles
Time: 25 minutes
Process: Working in groups of three, have one person practice initiating a conflict with a second
person, who will practice at least two different styles of managing conflict: avoiding,
accommodating, forcing, compromising, or collaborating. The third person should
observe. The practicing pair should decide on a conflict situation (e.g., a sister finds
out her brother broke something she valued; two roommates find a $20 bill on the
Potential conflict scenarios
1. Husband and wife
Husband: Wants to get a puppy for their 4-year-old daughter for her birthday. He
has been waiting to get the dog for several years until the daughter is old enough.
Wife: Doesn’t want a dog at all—she thinks their daughter is too young. 2.
Brother and sister
Brother: Wants to use the family car to go out to the movies with his friends
Sister: Wants to use the family car to go to her friend’s birthday party
3. Roommates
4. Co-workers
Worker 1: Has to leave no later than 2:00 p.m. because she has to pick up her
child. Cannot be late to pick up the child from her mother’s house
Worker 2: Gets to work about 2:15 p.m., fifteen minutes late, because she has a
second job across town, and she often gets stuck in traffic
8.3: Asking for Criticism
Purpose: To illustrate the constructive communication made possible by criticism requests
Time: 20 minutes
Process: Review the guidelines in the textbook for asking for criticism. Divide the class into
groups of three. Ask one member of each group to serve as observer. The other two
should read the following dialogue and then, with the observer’s assistance, change the
dialogue to meet the guidelines provided in the text.
Tracy: So, what’s the matter with the way I clean the house? You’re always sighing
and rolling your eyes after I’m done.
8.4: Ethical Issues in Self-Disclosure
Purpose: To illustrate the relationship between self-disclosure and constructive criticism
Time: 25 minutes
Process: Have students read the Diverse Voices narrative “Long Overdue” on pages 172-173 of
the textbook. Divide the class into groups to discuss the following questions:
Journal Assignments
A. Passive, Aggressive, Assertive
You have probably heard someone being labeled as passive-aggressive in the past. Perhaps you were
the one to use the expression. Perhaps you caught yourself saying, “He’s passive–aggressive, isn’t
he?” Does this chapter change your understanding of this expression? If so, how has it changed? What
do you think can be done to help those who have passive-aggressive tendencies to be more assertive?
B. Withholding Feelings
Is it ever in the best interest of an intimate relationship to withhold feelings permanently?
Temporarily? Why or why not? Have you ever withheld information in an intimate relationship? Do you
feel it was justified? Under what circumstances would you want someone else to withhold information
from you?
C. Family Criticism
Expressing criticism directly, in behavioral terms, is generally healthy for relationships. What
additional factors affect family relationships? Consider the power dimensions of child-parent
interactions.
D. Utilizing Conflict Management Styles
Discuss each type of conflict mentioned and give an example of a situation in which each of these may be
the most appropriate. What steps will you take to ensure that you are using the right method
during everyday interactions?