Chapter 7
Interpersonal Relationships
What you’ll know:
• The nature of communication in interpersonal relationships
• The role of disclosure and feedback in relationship life cycles
• The stages of interpersonal relationship life cycles
• How dialectical tensions operate in interpersonal relationships
What you’ll be able to do:
• Prepare and practice scripts for communicating competently with acquaintances
• Engage in appropriate self-disclosure in different types of interpersonal relationships
• Practice managing dialectical tensions effectively in different interpersonal relationships
Chapter Outline
I. Types of relationships: relationships (sets of expectations two people have for their behavior
based on the pattern of interaction between them) versus good relationships (relationships in
which the interactions are satisfying to, and healthy for those involved)
A. Acquaintances
B. Friends
1. People with whom we have negotiated more personal relationships that are voluntary
2. Some friendships are context bound
3. Friendship guidelines
a. Initiation: be proactive
b. Responsiveness: listen and respond
c. Self-disclosure: friends share feelings with each other
d. Emotional support: provide comfort and support
e. Conflict management: manage disagreements successfully
C. Intimates
II. Disclosure in Relationship Life Cycles
A. Relationship life cycle: moving back and forth among the relationship phases
1. Disclosure: the process of revealing confidential information
2. Self-disclosure: sharing biographical data, personal ideas and feelings that are unknown to
the other person
3. Other-disclosure: the confidential information shared about someone by a third party
4. Social penetration theory: describes the different kinds of self-disclosure we use in our
relationships
B. Social penetration
C. The Johari window contains four quadrants that define the extent of self-disclosure in the
relationship
1. The Open Pane: information about you that both you and your partner know
2. The Blind Pane: information about you that you know but that your partner does not know
about you
3. The Secret Pane: information about you that the other person knows but that you do not
know
4. The Unknown Pane: information about you that neither you or your partner know
III. Stages of Relationships
5. Continue affection, disclosure, favors, and support
D. Coming Apart: Deteriorating and dissolving relationships
1. Circumscribing: the stage during which communication decreases in both quantity and
quality
2. Stagnating: the stage at which partners just go through the motions of interacting with
each other routinely without enthusiasm or emotion
3. Avoiding: creating physical distance by making excuses not to do things with the other
person in the relationship
4. Terminating: when relational partners decide to end the relationship
IV. Dialectics in Interpersonal Relationships
A. Relational dialectics: competing psychological tensions that exist in relationships
1. Autonomy-Connection: the desire to be independent and also be connected
2. Openness-Closedness: the desire to share and also to maintain privacy
3. Novelty-Predictability: the desire to experience new things and also be able to anticipate
what will happen
B. Managing dialectical tensions
1. Temporal selection: choosing one desire and ignoring another for the time being
2. Topical segmentation: choosing some topics with which to satisfy one desire and other
topics to fulfill the other
3. Neutralization: compromising between both people’s desires, usually resulting in neither
person’s desires fully being met
4. Reframing: changing the perception of the tension in order to satisfy both competing
desires
Discussion and Assignment Ideas
I. Ask the class to think of their two closest friends, and to write their names down and a few words
to describe them. Now ask students to raise their hands if they wrote down the names of the
same people they would have written down a year ago, 2 years ago, 5 years ago. What happened to
those relationships that have ended? Can you pinpoint when things started going sour? Lesson:
Relationships are a changing process, not a static thing, and they shift both perceptibly and
imperceptibly from stage to stage.
II. Quotes: These can be used to introduce topics, questions perspectives, or gain individual opinion.
Providing students with a quote and prompting them to write or reflect on their personal feelings
about the quote can help to spark discussion and interest. Suggested prompts may include “Define this
concept in your own words”; “Do you agree with this statement? Explain”; “What text material can be
used to support or refute this idea?”
Friendship requires great communication.
—Saint Francis de Sales
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will
last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
—Mark Twain
Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your
confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks
of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.
—George Washington
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, “What? You too!? I
thought I was the only one.”
—C.S. Lewis
III. If women prioritize talk in close relationships and men prioritize activities, does that mean that
women’s same–sex friendships are more intimate that men’s same-sex friendships? Are women
simply better than men at being intimate? Why or why not?
Technology Resources
Visit cengagebrain.com to find Web Resource 7.2: Interactive Johari Window. Follow the directions
and the site will help you build a Johari window for your relationship with a particular other. Then,
make a window for a different relationship and compare these.
Movies
Movies and movie clips can be used to help students grasp concepts. Clips can be shown in class, or
movies can be assigned as homework. Following the movie clips, ask students written or oral
questions. These questions should address pertinent concepts, thereby actively engaging students in
discussion.
Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist (2008)
Rated: PG-13 (Thematic material including teen drinking, sexuality, language, and crude behavior)
Synopsis: This film is a coming-of-age comedy. Teenagers Nick and Nora meet at a bar where a
band is playing. Nora gets Nick, a stranger at the time, to pretend to be her boyfriend to prove to
Tris, a girl from her school (and, unknown to Nora, Nick’s ex-girlfriend) that she is cool. In reality,
Nora has a boyfriend, but he does not treat her well. Nick and Nora have a night of adventures and
chaos as they try to find the secret location where their favorite band is supposed to play. Through
their love of music, Nick and Nora fall for each other and discover that relationships should be built on
common interests and respect.
The Anniversary Party (2001)
Rated: Not rated (Reason unknown)
Synopsis: Joe, a successful novelist, and his wife, Sally, a famous actress, decide to celebrate their
anniversary by inviting some friends over for dinner. As the dinner progresses, the strain in their
marriage becomes more evident, as they have only recently reconciled after a separation. Additional
complications are the guests, who include an insecure director and his neurotic wife, a movie star and his
wife, and the neighbors, who have a problematic dog.
Questions for discussion
1. Do the friends in this movie follow the friendship guidelines of initiation, responsiveness, self-
disclosure, emotional support, and conflict management? If they do, provide some examples from the
movie. If not, why not?
2. The relationship between Joe and Sally is strained. What intimacy guidelines have they failed to
follow to get their marriage to this point?
3. What prevents the relationship between the neighbors and Joe and Sally from moving from
acquaintances to friendship?
4. What does this movie have to teach us about the role of trust and the betrayal of trust in intimate
relationships?
Additional suggested movies: American Beauty (1999) (family, relational stages, communication
climate); 50 First Dates (2004) (relational stages, moving beyond initial stages); Juno (2007) (types
of relationships, self-disclosure, relational stages); I Love You, Man (2009) (relational stages,
friendship)
Other Media Resources
Skills and Competency
Please refer to the core text for a prompt to Skill Learning Activity 7.4: Trevor and Meg. The following
suggested answers to this activity can also be found in the Communicate! online textbook resources.
their relationship.
3. The two main dialectics with which Meg and Trevor seem to be struggling are autonomy–
connection and novelty-predictability. Trevor wants more connection than Meg. He believes that
their future as a couple depends upon becoming more connected by living together. Meg wants
more independence as she starts law school and does not think that she has as much time to
devote to Trevor and a potential family. Additionally, Trevor seems to prefer more novelty while
Meg prefers predictability. Trevor is fine to let the future play out and is certain that he will get a
job and finances and other details will work out. On the other hand, Meg wants more stability and
certainty that Trevor will be financially and professionally stable. Meg and Trevor do not seem to
be managing these dialectics well at all. Each continues to seek his/her own perspective. Ideally,
Meg and Trevor would understand and respect the other’s needs and attempt to reframe the
tension. They could find a way to honor Meg’s desire for independence and Trevor’s desire to build
intimacy and connection. For example, they may choose to live separately, but live near each
other and schedule regular date nights. They should also find a way to manage the novelty-
predictability struggle. Perhaps if Meg knew that Trevor had a specific job-seeking plan and
timeline she would feel more confident that he could and would find a stable job.
4. While it is hard to know Meg’s “real fear” because we are not her, it seems that a root issue for
Meg is that she does not know if Trevor is as serious about professional and financial matters as
she is and is concerned that they may not have the same priorities. Trevor is focused on having a
family and being a couple and seems to feel that professional matters will work out and are less
central to happiness. Meg, on the other hand, seems to put her career first and seems to believe
she cannot be happy in her relationship if both she and Trevor are not financially and
professionally stable.
Chapter Activities
7.1: Gendered Perceptions of Relational Initiation
Purpose: To generate dialogue regarding the needs that motivate relationships to be initiated
Time: 30 minutes
7.2: Relationship Disintegration
Purpose: To assist students in recognizing relational disintegration patterns
Time: 30 minutes
Process: Have students stage a mock TV show, “Talk Time,” that is dedicated to communication
concepts. Today’s topic: Relationships gone sour: What went wrong? Roles: talk show
7.3: Relational Stages
Purpose: To give students practice in analyzing relational stages
Time: 20 minutes (assigned the class session prior to the activity)
Process: Instruct students to interview someone outside of class regarding their stage of
relationship with another person. Students should obtain the interviewee’s permission
7.4: Trust and Relationships
Purpose: To demonstrate the importance of trust and disclosure in forming intimate
relationships
Time: 10 minutes for exercise; 5 to 20 minutes for debriefing
Process: Divide the class into two equal groups and form a circle. Have one group form a circle
inside the other, with the groups facing each other. Tell them this is a trust exercise in
which they will give each other feedback. They have three responses they can choose
from:
“I trust you.”
“I don’t trust you.”
“I don’t know if I trust you.”
Have the inside circle move around until everyone from the inside and outside circles
have exchanged trust statements.
Facilitate a discussion about the process. You may choose from the following prompts or
Journal Assignments
A. The Stages of Relationships
A psychic has predicted some fabulous news: A fine young man or woman will soon enter your life and a
romantic relationship will develop. You immediately start to think about how the stages of your
relationship will develop (and possibly end??). Elaborate on how this relationship will be and develop, how
you will maintain this relationship, and how this relationship will end (or not!).
B. Electronic Relationships
Analyze a relationship that either began or was maintained via the Internet. Is the relationship
different from those that allow you to interact face–to-face? What advice can you give for others in this
same situation?
C. The Johari Window
The Johari window is a good tool for analyzing the extent of disclosure and feedback in which you
engage in your relationships. How would you assess your own Johari window?