Chapter 9: Gendered Close Relationships
I. The Meaning of Personal Relationships
A. Personal relationships are those in which partners depend upon each other for
various things ranging from material assistance to affection. Partners regard each
other as unique individuals who cannot be replaced. Of the many relationships we
form, only a few become really personal.
A. Models of Personal Relationships: Differences in masculine and feminine
orientations to close relationships often reflect male and female approaches to
relationships.
1. The male deficit model suggests that feminine individuals are relationship
experts and views feminine ways of forming and maintaining relationships
as the “right way” to engage in intimacy and that the masculine style of
2. The alternate paths model asserts that there are different routes to creating
and sustaining close relationships that are equally valid for creating
closeness.
a. While this model agrees with the male deficit model that socialization
is the source of differences between men’s and women’s close
II. Gendered Styles of Friendship
A. There are many similarities between the friendship of most men and women.
1. Both sexes value close friendships and try to take care of those relationships.
2. Both sexes use both instrumental and expressive strategies to build and
maintain their close relationships.
D. Friendships Between Women and Men
1. Because of the high emphasis we place on gender in our culture, women and
men may see each other in sexual terms, even when they are not sexually
involved.
2. For many women, a primary benefit of friendships with men is a less
emotionally intense relationship.
3. Men report getting more emotional support and release from their
friendships with women. Women also report getting more emotional support
from their female friends. Both sexes report that their friendships with
women are closer than those with men. This may be why both sexes seek
out their women friends in times of stress.
III. Gendered Romantic Relationships: Heterosexual romantic relationships tend to follow
a typical script in which traditional gender roles are emphasized.
A. Developing Romantic Intimacy
1. Heterosexual men and women seek fairly traditionally masculine and
feminine partners with men prioritizing physical attractiveness and sexiness
and women prioritizing status and success.
2. Most heterosexual couples conform to a script in which men take a more
active role in planning dates. Gay men and lesbians are less likely to conform
to a standard script.
3. Men actually tend to fall in love faster and harder than women.
a. Men tend to be more active, impulsive, sexual, and fun at the
beginning of relationships.
b. Women tend to be more pragmatic and focused on developing a
friendship.
4. Attitudes towards sexual behavior, while less rigid than in the past, still judge
men and women differently.
a. Women tend to be judged more harshly than men when they have sex
with multiple men.
b. Women tend to engage in sex for intimacy and commitment reasons,
while men are more often motivated by lust and physical pleasure.
5. Women, regardless of sexual orientation, are more likely than men to focus on
relationship dynamics.
6. Committed heterosexual relationships tend to continue to reflect cultural
values and beliefs, with men as the head of the family and primary wage
earner and women as primarily in charge of domestic aspects of the
relationship.
7. Gay and lesbian relationships tend to function like best-friend relationships
with the added aspects of sexuality and romance.
B. Gendered Patterns in Committed Relationships
1. Gendered Modes of Expressing Affection
a. Women tend to create and express closeness through personal, self-
disclosive talk. Men rely more on instrumental displays of affection.
b. Women are often hurt when men don’t want to discuss feelings and
relationships, and men can feel like they’re being pushed when women
expect them to be emotionally expressive.
c. Contemporary American culture values feminine forms of expressing
care, often not recognizing instrumental displays of affection.
d. Lesbian and gay couples may have similar expectations for modes of
expressing care because of socialization into common gender norms,
thus reducing some misunderstandings.
differing perspectives. This may lead to the demand-withdraw
pattern, in which one partner feels distant so attempts to engage in
close, personal talk leaving the other feeling stifled by the discussion.
e. More damaging, though, is the tendency to interpret each other’s
behavior according to gendered rules that don’t apply to the other’s
behavior. Respect for different needs for autonomy and connection is
essential to a successful relationship.
3. Gendered Responsibility for Relational Health
a. Lesbian couples tend to share responsibility for the relationship.
b. In heterosexual relationships, it is assumed that women should take
primary responsibility for relational maintenance.
c. Expectations for one partner’s responsibilities for ensuring relational
health can lead to problems. Greater satisfaction has been identified
in relationships where relational maintenance is shared.
taxing, routine, repetitive, and not very rewarding.
i. Reasons why men and women engage in differing amounts of
domestic labor are complex and include adherence to
traditional gender ideology, a woman’s access to relationship
alternatives, and a desire for equity.
ii. Because many women consider becoming a mother to be a
“choice,” they may assume they are responsible to meet all of
the demands related to that choice.
iii. Although men continue to do less domestic labor than women,
men’s participation in the domestic sphere has increased
considerably since the 1960s.
iv. Psychological responsibility for planning and remembering
things that need to be done increases the burdens of second
shift duties.
v. Consequences of the second shift include stress, fatigue,
illness, and resentment. Heterosexual couples who share
equally in running a home and raising a family are the most
satisfied.
f. Another indicator of power dynamics is how couples manage conflict.
i. Masculine individuals tend to use unilateral strategies to
engage in and to avoid conflicts through strategies such as
issuing ultimatums, refusing to discuss an issue, or to assert the
problem is being blown out of proportion.
ii. Feminine individuals tend to employ indirect strategies when
they do engage in conflict, or to defer or compromise to reduce
tension.
g. Gendered power dynamics are also reflected in patterns of violence
and abuse.
i. Acts of violence tend to be inflicted most typically by men who
have been socialized into masculine identities and cuts across
race, ethnic, and class lines.
ii. Violent behavior is a product of gender, not sex. One study
reported that both male and female abusers tend to have a
masculine gender orientation.
Journal Entries
1. Observe and analyze gendered patterns of communication in a close friendship you have
with someone of the other sex. How do these patterns reflect or vary from ones discussed
in the text and class?
2. Observe and analyze gendered interaction patterns in a romantic relationship you
have or one you were involved in previously. Do patterns reflect or vary from ones
discussed in the text and class?
3. Brainstorm on society’s messages concerning the importance or nonimportance of
friendships. Which are we told to value the most: family, friends, or romantic
partners? Why?
4. Knowing that those individuals who are socialized into masculine identities engage
in more acts of violence, what can we as a society do to change notions of masculinity?
Reflect on images in the media, messages from family members, and how roles are defined
in close relationships to help answer the question.
5. Talk with an older relative or friend about their views regarding friendships and romantic
relationships. Are your relative’s/friend’s assumptions about friendship and romantic
relationship norms similar to or different from yours? Are they similar to or different from
the patterns discussed in Chapter 9? What do the similarities/differences suggest about
changing norms of gender, friendships, and romantic relationships?
InfoTrac Activities
1. Choose the Advanced Search option using InfoTrac College Edition. Select title and type
“Gender and closeness among friends and siblings” by Kory Floyd. Does Floyd’s research
support the male deficit model or the alternate paths model? Explain your answer.
2. Choose the Advanced Search option using InfoTrac College Edition. Select title and type
“How close are we? Measuring intimacy and examining gender differences.” Scroll down
the page until you find the section entitled “Gender differences in intimacy.” After reading
this section, describe how the research findings might match with gendered speech
communities and gendered relationships.
Suggested Activities
1. Wish List Exercise: The “Wish List Exercise” is intended to encourage men and women
to talk about the differences they perceive in communication patterns of the sexes. Divide
the class into groups of four to five students, all of the same sex. Instruct the groups that
they are to develop a list of problems they recurrently encounter in relationships with the
other sex. Next and more importantly, tell the groups they must explain what they would
2. Let’s Go to Dinner: Go online to obtain a menu from a nice and/or up-scale local
restaurant and distribute it to your students. With each menu, include one of the following
scenarios:
After students have made their choices, compare and contrast ordering patterns.
Depending on the size of the class, you may choose to do this in small groups or in a large
group format. Ask students to consider their choices. Did men order differently, in
general, than women? Did men/women order differently depending on whether they
imagined they were on a first date, with a group of friends, or with a long-term partner?
What do the ordering patterns suggest about students’ assumptions about romantic
relationships, friendships, and gender?
3. Gendered Relationships in Film: Another option for structuring a day of class discussion
would involve clips from movies that represent dimensions of friendships and romantic
relationships discussed in the text and class. We have incorporated four- or five-minute
4. Gendered Romantic Relationship Advice: Have students bring in popular magazines that
focus in some way on close relationships (most popular, nonactivity specific magazines do;
examples include Cosmopolitan, Glamour, and GQ). Ask students to examine a magazine
5. Communicating with Men and Women: In order for this activity to work, students will
need to bring their laptops or cell phones to class. Ask the students to pull up their
Facebook page (or, if they do not have one or cannot view it, to review the text messages