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Chapter 6: Mindful Listening
Key Concepts
ambushing
defensive listening
hearing
listening
listening for information
listening for pleasure
listening to support others
literal listening
mindfulness
minimal encouragers
monopolizing
paraphrasing
pseudolistening
remembering
responding
selective listening
Chapter Outline
I.
Listening is an active process that consists of being mindful, physically receiving
messages, interpreting messages, responding, and remembering; hearing is a
physiological activity that involves sound waves stimulating our ear drums.
A.
Being mindful involves paying complete attention to what is happening in an
interaction at that moment in time without imposing our own thoughts,
feelings, or judgments on others.
B.
Hearing occurs when we physically receive sound waves.
C.
To listen, we also need to select and organize the many stimuli that are part of a
conversation.
D.
Once we select, take in, and organize the stimuli, we attach meaning to or
interpret the messages.
E.
As we engage in communication, we use both verbal and nonverbal behaviors
to indicate we are listening.
F.
After a particular interaction has ended, remembering what was exchanged is the
last part of the listening process.
II.
There are two main categories of obstacles or barriers to effective listening as well as
examples of times when we do not listen at all.
A.
Obstacles within the situation are external factors we cannot control.
1.
Message overload occurs because we cannot take in all communication
with the same level of mindfulness.
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2.
Message complexity occurs when the messages are too detailed, use
technical terms, or contain many difficult connections between the various
sentence parts.
3.
Noise is any verbal or nonverbal stimuli in the environment that keep us
from being good listeners.
B.
The other set of listening barriers are internal obstacles, which are those that we
as individuals can control.
1.
Preoccupation happens when we are so caught up in what is happening
with us that we forget to pay careful attention to what is happening in our
interaction with another person or people.
2.
Prejudgment happens when we think we know what others are going to
say before they say it, or we tune them out because we believe they have
nothing to offer.
3.
Emotionally loaded language can “push our buttons,” either positively or
negatively, and we end up tuning out the other person.
4.
Because effective listening requires so much energy, there are times when
a lack of effort (time or energy) hinders us.
5.
Sometimes we forget that different types of interactions call for different
types of listening; similarly, we sometimes forget that people with
different experiences have learned different speaking and listening styles.
III.
In addition to barriers to listening, there are times when we engage in nonlistening
behaviors.
A.
Pseudolistening is when we pretend that we are paying full attention to a
communication interaction.
B.
Monopolizing occurs when we are constantly trying to redirect the
communication back to ourselves and our concerns without giving others the
opportunity to complete their thoughts.
C.
Selective listening happens when we focus only on certain aspects of a
conversation, either those with which we do not agree or those that do not
interest us at the moment.
D.
We engage in defensive listening when we assume a message has negative
connotations (relational level meanings) even though the person did not intend
to criticize, attack, or be hostile toward us.
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E.
When we ambush another person, we listen only for information that will help
us attack the other person and/or that person’s ideas.
IV.
Literal listening is ignoring the relational level of meaning. In different situations, we adapt listening
to communication goals.
A.
Sometimes we are interested in the pleasure or enjoyment we receive from listening to a
particular type of communication.
B.
Sometimes we listen to gather and evaluate information that requires that we do the
following:
1.
Be mindful
2.
Control obstacles
3.
Ask questions
4.
Use aids to recall
5.
Organize information
C.
Sometimes we listen to support others, which requires us to do the following:
1.
Be mindful
2.
Be careful expressing judgments
3.
Understand the other person’s perspective
a.
Paraphrasing is a method of clarifying others’ meanings or needs
by reflecting our interpretation of their communication back to
them.
b.
Minimal encourages are words/phrases we use to invite others to
elaborate.
4.
Express support
V.
Listening skills are directly related to social media interactions.
A.
Some forms of social media, such as Skype, require us to use listening skills.
B.
Our increasing engagement with social media can be an obstacle to effective listening.
C.
We need to exercise critical thinking when communicating online.
VI.
Three listening guidelines reinforce effective practices.
A.
Be mindful, which involves listening carefully to what is being said.
B.
Adapt your listening to the situation at hand, our goals, others’ goals, and the
individuals involved makes you better able to understand and respond
appropriately during and after the interaction.
C.
Listen carefully by putting forth the necessary effort to listen actively to focus
your attention on the communication and away from the potential
distractions/barriers you often encounter.
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Discussion Ideas
• Obstacles to Effective Listening: Prior to the day when they are going to read this chapter,
ask students to make a list of reasons they tune people out (be sure they include what they are
doing/thinking about when they do this). During class, ask them to classify their reasons
using the internal and external obstacles as well as nonlistening behaviors. Obstacles include
message overload and complexity, noise, preoccupation, prejudgment, lack of effort, and
recognizing diverse listening styles. Nonlistening behaviors include pseudolistening,
monopolizing, selective listening, defensive listening, ambushing, and literal listening.
• Listening for a Reason: Ask students to make a list of all the reasons why they listened to
other people yesterday. Now ask them how listening helped them or the person they were
listening to accomplish their goals. Responses might include for enjoyment/pleasure, for
information, and for support.
• Creating Messages to Which People Want to Listen: Ask students to make a list of media
messages they tune out (usually these are commercials/ads). Now ask them to put on the hat
of the organization creating the message. What would they change to create a more effective
message to which people would listen? Responses could include parodying ineffective
messages, ironic messages, exploiting the use of silence, and so on.
• Paraphrasing: Have students practice paraphrasing with the following statements/questions.
Examples of paraphrasing are in parentheses after each statement/question.
o I think we’re seeing too much of each other. (Do I hear you saying that you want some more space
or time for yourself?)
o I really like communication, but what could I do with a major in this field? (I get the sense that
you are struggling with career choices now, is this right?)
o I don’t know if Pat and I are getting too serious too fast. (I hear some hesitancy about your
relationship with Pat, yes?).
o You can borrow my car, if you really need to, but please be careful with it. I can’t afford any
repairs and if you have an accident, I won’t be able to drive home this weekend. (It seems like
your car is very important to you right now).
• Listening for Support Online: Visit the website for Befrienders International
(http://www.befrienders.org/). This site features a comprehensive list of emotional help lines
and also offers email support for people who are currently considering suicide. The people
who staff the help lines and email support—called befrienders—are volunteers who have been
specially trained not to impose their own convictions on to anyone and “simply listen” to those who
are looking for help. Is it possible to not impose one’s views or convictions when listening to others?
If so, how is this accomplished? In the discussion, encourage students to incorporate guidelines on
listening to support others (such as being mindful, suspending judgment, engaging in dual
perspective, paraphrasing, using minimal encouragers, and expressing support).
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Activities
Title
Individual
Partner/
Ethno
Group
Demonstration/
Whole Class
Internet/
InfoTrac
1. Rumor clinic
X
2. She says/He says
X–H
3. What’s that again
Triads
4. Learning to listen
X
X
5. Hearing versus listening
X
6. Listening quotations
X
X–P
7. Motivation to listen
X–P
X = Marks type of activity H = Handout P = Preparation required for students/teacher
Rumor Clinic
This activity demonstrates habits of ineffective listening and how they change the meaning of
messages in serial communication.
Ask five students to step outside of the classroom. When they have left, read this story to the
class.
Marvella had to get the courses she needed for graduation since this was her last term at
school. She was a premed major and the requirements were very numerous and specific
for that major, so she didn’t have much room for substitutions. She had already met most
college requirements, but she still needed one more historical course and one more
humanities course. Otherwise, what she needed were two advanced biology courses, and
both were already full, and one particle chemistry course, which she dreaded since
chemistry was a particularly rough science for her. Marvella knew what she needed, but
her advisor was not in his office and she didn’t know how to cut through the red tape to
get the classes she needed.
After reading the story (read it only one time) to the class, invite one student from outside the
room to return. Select a member of the class and ask that person to repeat the story to the person
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who had been in the hall. When that has been done, have the student who heard the story repeat
it to a second person who has been in the hall. Repeat this until all five students who left the
classroom have been told the story. Have the fifth listener repeat the story to the class. Then read
the original story again.
Lead a discussion in which you and the students work together to identify changes that occurred
in the story as it was told and retold. Focus students’ attention on listening skills that could
improve our retention of messages.
Listening for Information
This is a fun and short exercise that shows students how often they don’t hear or heed
information in messages to them. It is based on an exercise used in the Pennsylvania State
University’s Continuing Education program in 1975. Give each student a copy of the Test
of Discernment. Ask them to follow the printed directions.
When all students have finished, ask why so many of them didn’t take in and act on the
information conveyed in the first sentence of the directions. Discuss how this is analogous to not
listening because we think we don’t need to listen to or understand some things in what others
say to us. Encourage students to discuss ways to improve listening and to avoid prejudgments
about which parts of messages we should attend to mindfully.
She Says/He Says
This activity gives students an experiential understanding of gendered communication cultures
and the different listening styles they foster.
Match students in dyads, preferably one man and one woman in each pair. Tell students that they
will be using two different styles of responding to “troubles talk,” which was discussed in the
textbook. Give each student a copy of the handout titled Instrumental and Expressive Response
Styles.
After students have completed the exercise, engage the entire class in a discussion of what they
learned. Ask students which response style they preferred when they had the roommate problem.
Which one they felt more supportive and caring? Point out that members of the class differ in the
response style they prefer and that neither communication style is absolutely superior. Next, ask
students how comfortable they felt employing each style of response. Encourage them to become
competent in both styles, regardless of their current preference, so that they can be effective in
situations calling for each.
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What’s That Again?
This activity helps students develop skill in listening to others and paraphrasing what others say.
Place students in triads. Instruct students to spend 5 minutes discussing one of the topics listed
below or a topic that you generate. (Note: The topics should be controversial enough that
students are likely to have differing opinions and experiences related to the topics.)
1.
Affirmative action should be eliminated because it discriminates against qualified Caucasians.
2.
Our school should fund gay and lesbian organizations on campus.
3.
Mothers should stay home with children during the first few years of children’s lives.
4.
Feminism is dead.
5.
Most people on welfare prefer a handout to working for a living.
Instruct the triads to discuss the issue they or you select. During discussion, each student should
paraphrase the comments of the person who spoke before him or her prior to making a new
comment.
When 10 minutes have elapsed, engage the class in a discussion of listening. Begin by asking
what they learned from practicing paraphrasing. Usually some students realize that they didn’t
listen well enough to understand another person’s meaning. Ask for examples of how
paraphrasing allowed individuals to clarify meaning.
If time allows, you may broaden your analysis of this exercise to focus on other aspects of
effective and ineffective listening. Ask students for examples of behaviors others in their group
used that communicated interest, support, understanding, and so forth. They will usually identify
posture, eye contact, minimal responses, and other verbal and nonverbal cues of attentiveness
and involvement.
Learning to Listen
This exercise allows students to develop greater appreciation of ineffective and effective
listening behaviors.
Organize students into four discussion groups. Inform the groups that they will have 20 minutes
to develop a 5-minute presentation to be given to the class. Assign two groups to develop
presentations that portray effective listening behaviors and two to develop presentations that
illustrate ineffective listening behaviors. Each presentation should involve at least two members
of the group in a conversation. Another member of the group should be the commentator, who
points out ineffective and effective listening behaviors to the class. Encourage students to refer to
the textbook to refresh their memory of effective and ineffective listening styles and specific
communication behaviors associated with each.
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Listening versus Hearing
This exercise will illustrate the difference between hearing and listening.
Ask for three volunteers. Have one person sit blindfolded in a chair facing the class. Tell the
person sitting in the chair to protect a newspaper that will be placed on his or her lap.
Instruct the two other volunteers, who are the “stealers,” to quietly snatch the newspaper away
from the person sitting in the chair. The person sitting in the chair must try to hear the stealers. If
the person sitting in the chair hears the stealers’ footsteps, he or she needs to say “Stop” and
point in the direction he or she thinks the stealers are coming from.
Have the stealers, one at a time, attempt to take the newspaper. Give them each three chances to
try to steal the newspaper.
Then, discuss how hearing is a skill as well as listening. Discuss how hearing is related to
listening and the differences between the two concepts.
Listening Quotations
The purpose of this activity is to analyze how key concepts of listening are encapsulated in
quotations and how these quotations reflect various cultural assumptions and values.
To prepare for this activity, visit the website of the International Listening Association
(http://www.listen.org/pages/quotes.html). On this site, they display hundreds of quotations
about listening. Choose 10 or 15 of your favorite quotations and prepare a handout, such as
the following:
1. “Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-
confidence.” (Robert Frost)
2. “History repeats itself because no one listens the first time.” (From a Salada Orange Pekoe
Tea Bag)
3. “Just being available and attentive is a great way to use listening as a management
tool. Some employees will come in, talk for 20 minutes, and leave having solved their
problems entirely by themselves.” (Nicholas V. Luppa)
4. “You can’t fake listening. It shows.” (Raquel Welch)
In class, put students into groups of four to five members. Make a list of the key concepts from
the class, such as hearing versus listening, obstacles to effective listening (internal and
external), forms of nonlistening, different types of listening, and so on, and write these on the
board (or a handout, an overhead, etc.). Then, ask the students to identify which concepts of
listening each quotation illustrates. Explain to the students that if a quotation does not match
up with a particular concept from the book, then they can generate their own categories that
encapsulate the key point(s) of the quotation.
114
After 10–15 minutes of students working in groups, have each group share its points with the
class. This activity can lead to a discussion about how quotations about listening communicate
cultural assumptions and can be portrayed as a panacea.
Motivation to Listen
Before class, find a newspaper article that is filled with lots of numbers and facts about
something very boring. Create 20 questions about the article that the students will not likely
remember. When class starts, read the article to the entire class. Then, have the students take out
sheets of paper and answer the questions that you created before the class. Tell them that the
student who answers all the questions correctly will win a desirable prize. Most likely, none of
the students will be able to answer the questions correctly, because they did not have the
motivation to listen to something that wasn’t interesting. Discuss how motivation affects our
ability to listen.
Journal Items
• Go to a place on campus where students gather and talk. Find a spot where you can
unobtrusively observe and hear conversations between other students. Using the
information in Chapter 6 of the textbook, record ineffective listening behaviors that you
notice. Record effective listening behaviors that you notice. Analyze how the
conversations you overheard were supported or impeded by listening styles and
behaviors.
Responses will vary, but ineffective listening behaviors include pseudolistening,
monopolizing, selective listening, literal listening, defensive listening, and so on.
Effective listening behaviors include being mindful, controlling obstacles, asking
questions, suspending judgment, and so on.
• Ask students to reflect on a time when they wished they would have really listened.
Ask them how not listening effectively during that time affected their life. What did
they learn from that experience? Why was it important to listen in that situation?
Responses will vary. Students may disclose different experiences and talk about how it
affected their lives. They might also discuss why it was important to listen for information
and/or support.
• Interview a person who is in a career that you envision for yourself. Ask the professional to explain the
importance of listening in his or her work. Ask the professional to identify the most common listening
problems and obstacles in his or her interactions with others. In your journal, summarize what your
interviewee said and relate his or her observations to principles discussed in the textbook. Responses will
vary, but obstacles include message overload and complexity, noise, preoccupation, prejudgment, lack of
effort, not recognizing diversity in listening styles, and so on.
115
Common listening problems have already been identified in the first Journal Item in
terms of ineffective listening behaviors.
• Analyze your own listening effectiveness. Using the textbook as a guide, analyze your
strengths and weaknesses in terms of the text’s guidelines for effective informational and
relational listening. Identify two listening skills you would like to improve and describe
how you plan to develop greater competence in each.
Responses will vary, but listening skills include being mindful, paraphrasing, suspending
judgment, organizing information, using minimal encouragers, and so on.
• Make a list of phrases or quotations to which you are exposed that involve
listening (visit https://www.listenersunite.com/quotes for ideas). Analyze the
cultural values and assumptions implicit in each phrase.
Responses will vary, but examples of phrases and implicit values and assumptions could
include: “You can’t fake listening. It shows.” (Raquel Welch: This quotation may be
consistent with the cultural assumption that nonverbal features of interaction are more
revealing than what we explicitly say.)
Panel Idea
Most campuses and campus communities include a number of organizations that train peer
counselors (e.g., rape crisis counseling, battered women shelters, and academic counselors). Ask
one of the organizations to send a representative to your class to facilitate a workshop on
empathic listening skills. Someone with expertise in listening and in training others to listen can
give your students a powerful introduction to effective listening techniques.
Media Resources
Websites
Name: Listening Sayings and Quotes
Developer: Wise Old Sayings
Brief Description: This site displays quotations about listening.
URL: http://www.wiseoldsayings.com/listening-quotes/
Name: Befrienders International Online
Developer: Befrienders International
Brief Description: This site features a comprehensive list of emotional help lines and also offers
email support for people who are currently considering suicide.
URL: http://www.befrienders.org/
Name: 7 Ways to Be a Better Listener while Interviewing
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Developer: USNews.com.
Brief Description: This site provides tips for being a great listener.
URL: https://money.usnews.com/money/careers/articles/2014/08/19/7-ways-to-be-a-better-listener-while-
interviewing
Name: How Good Are Your Listening Skills?
Developer: MindTools.com
Brief Description: This web page is a listening test.
URL: https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/listening-quiz.htm
Name: Active Listening: Hear What People Are Really Saying
Developer: MindTools
Brief Description: This website provides tips for active listening along with a brief video
guiding visitors in active listening.
URL: https://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm
Name: 10 Steps to Effective Listening
Developer: Forbes
Brief Description: This article explains how to improve listening skills.
URL: https://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2012/11/09/10-steps-to-effective-
listening/#1f340f673891
Name: Active Listening Skills for Managers
Developer: Leadership Directions
Brief Description: It discusses the impact of active listening skills for managers.
URL: https://www.leadershipdirections.com.au/core-skills/active-listening
Name: Business Listening
Developer: Business Listening.com
Brief Description: This site offers ways for individuals to listen to others in business
contexts.
URL: http://www.businesslistening.com/
Name: Listening Skills Evaluation
Developer: Steven & Catherine Martin
Brief Description: This website offers a short listening skills evaluation.
URL: http://www.positive-way.com/listening.htm
Name: Innerself
Developer: Rebecca Z. Shafir, M.A. CCC
Brief Description: This site gives an insight into the author’s book The Zen of Listening. The
author tells the reader how she found mindful listening as a result of growing better relationships
with her friends, family, and co-workers.
URL: http://www.innerself.com/Behavior_Modification/listening.htm
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Name: Eliminating Communication Gaps among Your Medical Practice Staff
Developer: Modern Medicine Network
Brief Description: This article addresses how to achieve healthy, effective communication in a medical
practice.
URL: http://www.physicianspractice.com/operations/eliminating-communication-gaps-among-your-
medical-practice-staff
Name: 5 Steps to Listening with Presence
Developer: Holstee
Brief Description: This site gives guidance for creating active, substantial conversations
that can have society changing consequences.
URL: https://www.holstee.com/blogs/mindful-matter/14229317-5-steps-to-listening-with-presence
Film Ideas
Ordinary People. This film dramatically illustrates people who don’t listen empathically to
one another. Scenes between the parents of the child who died and between the mother and son
who are living are particularly compelling examples of how ineffective listening harms
relationships.
Jerry McGuire. This film illustrates how people don’t always listen to each other. At the
beginning of the movie when Tom Cruise’s character gets fired and he tries to call all of his
clients, he tries to listen, but it is very difficult.
Please Teach Me English. This is a foreign film about an Australian woman who teaches
English to some adult Korean speakers. The film showcases how these individuals have to
listen to the teachers’ words in order to pronounce words effectively.
Print Resources
The Zen of Listening: Mindful Communication in the Age of Distraction by Rebecca Z.
Shafir. How does the approach and guidelines for listening discussed in this book relate to those
discussed in the textbook?
Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting through to Anyone by Mark Goulston. It offers
advice on how to be a better listener.
118
Handout: A Test of Discernment
Directions: Please do exactly as instructed. Follow the instructions for each statement fully. Ask
no questions and do not check to see what other students are doing. When you have finished, sit
quietly and do not speak.
1.
Read all statements before doing anything else.
2.
Proceed carefully.
3.
Put your name in the upper right corner of this paper.
4.
Circle the word “name” in sentence 3.
5.
Underline your name in the right corner of this paper.
6.
Write your Social Security number beneath your name.
7.
Put an X in the lower left corner of this paper.
8.
On the reverse side of this paper, divide 1589 by 15.
9.
Write the answer to the problem in statement 8 here:
10.
Underline the answer you wrote above.
11.
Put an X through all even numbers on this page.
12.
Shut your eyes for two seconds, then read sentence 13.
13.
Now that you have finished reading carefully, follow only the instruction in sentence 3.
119
Handout: Instrumental and Expressive Response Styles
Instructions: You and your partner will take turns being the person with the roommate problem
described below. When you are the responder, respond first by using instrumental or masculine
talk. Tell your partner what to do, how to solve the problem, and so on. Then have your partner
tell the story again and this time use an expressive or feminine style of responding—empathize
with your partner’s feelings and frustrations (show that you want to hear more and make it clear
that you care how your partner is feeling).
You are having real troubles with your roommate. The person is a hopeless slob and you
like your room neat. To make matters worse, your roommate is a night person and you
are a morning person. You have trouble sleeping with the lights on and music from the
stereo, and you feel constrained not to make noise in the morning when your roommate
is asleep. The situation is really messing up your life.
Now, switch roles and repeat the instrumental and expressive styles of responding described
above.
When you have finished all four versions of the interaction, discuss with your partner which
response style you feel most comfortable using, which one you feel most comfortable having
someone else use when you are talking, and which situations are better suited to each response
style.
