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Activities and Discussion Questions
Hocker: Interpersonal Conflict, 10e
Chapter 10
The Practice of Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Activities and Discussion Questions
Apologies 101
Overview
Have students develop a handbook on apologies that is to be distributed to all the members of the
class. This activity encourages independent thought, group creativity, and decision making
among the students. You can ask the students to (a) complete the entire activity outside class, (b)
complete part of the activity during class and the remaining part of the activity outside class, or
(c) complete the entire activity during class. If the students have access to computers during
class, then they can work together to create the final product in a shorter period of time.
Process
experience should be the account of an apology that they felt was heartfelt and sincere, and the
second experience should be an account of an apology that they perceived to be insincere.
Students need not share the specifics of the incidents that resulted in the apologies, but they
should be prepared to discuss the differences between the two types of apologies.
In class, divide the students into groups of three to five members each. Each group should
contrast the strategies used to deliver effective apologies and ineffective apologies. Have them
develop a master list of dos and don’ts that they will have to share with the rest of the class.
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As a class, use the summarized list of dos and don’ts to develop a handbook on forgiveness
strategies. Ask each group to do a different task—one group can write a preface and introduction
to the handbook, another group can design and gather illustrations for the handbook, a couple of
groups can work together to ensure that all the forgiveness strategies are presented in a coherent
manner in the handbook, and one group can be responsible for editing the entire handbook. Make
multiple copies of the handbook, and present each class member with his or her own copy of the
handbook by the end of the week.
Follow-Up
As an in-class writing assignment, have students accurately describe how they personally
approach making an apology to someone. Have them recall how they delivered a specific, recent
apology, and then, have them write briefly about how they actually went about offering the
apology.
Discussion Questions
• To what extent did your apology conform to the guidelines that were developed in the
class?
• What accounts for the similarities and differences in the standards?
• What are the possible reasons for which it might sometimes seem impossible or impractical
to live up to the standards that are set in the handbook?
• What would motivate you to try other strategies for apologies?
Be sure to leave time to debrief the students after this exercise either through a class discussion
or by asking the students to perform individual reflective writing or journaling activities.
An Actual Class Sample of an Apologies 101 Handbook
When Giving an Apology
Dos
• Give the other person time to be upset.
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Activities and Discussion Questions
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• Be prepared for the chance that the other person might not accept your apology or forgive
you.
• Listen to why the other person is mad.
• Acknowledge the offense.
• Be sincere.
• Make an apology, not an excuse.
Don’ts
• Don’t be mad if the other person isn’t ready yet.
• Don’t expect an apology to erase your behavior from the other person’s memory.
• Don’t have an attitude that contradicts your words.
• Don’t tell people that they shouldn’t be upset.
• Don’t say “. . . but . . .”
• Don’t try to evoke sympathy for yourself as part of the apology.
• Don’t demand a response to your apology—be patient and wait.
• Don’t escalate the conflict by responding negatively to any possible “apology busters.”
• Don’t apologize in front of others, unless a public apology is what the other person
requires.
• Never use the word “but” when giving an apology.
• Avoid bad jokes, rolling your eyes, avoiding eye contact, excessive shuffling, or nervous
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twitching while apologizing.
• Don’t assume that you are “cool with them” just because you said that you are sorry.
When Receiving an Apology
Dos
• Listen completely.
• Withhold judgment.
• Avoid further conflict with hurtful messages.
• Acknowledge the importance of the relationship.
Don’ts
• Don’t interrupt when the other person is apologizing.
• Don’t attack the other person when he or she is apologizing.
• Don’t equate the apology with condoning the behavior.
• Don’t accept the apology if you are not ready. (Handle this with care; perhaps indicate
when you might be ready or what it would take for you to be ready.)
• Don’t hold the person “hostage” for a long time (i.e., don’t “punish” them).
Journaling
If your term doesn’t allow you the time required to address the activity given above, you could
choose the option of journaling. Ask students to keep a journal for a period of two weeks. During
this time, they have to notice the opportunities for forgiveness or apologies. For example,
students might notice situations in which they wished someone would apologize to them or when
they should’ve apologized to someone else. They might witness effective or ineffective
apologies. They might also experience situations in which someone has apologized to them, but
they don’t feel very forgiving. (Students may have additional examples that may be shared with
the rest of the class.)
After they’ve turned in their journals, ask them the following questions:
• What did you learn from keeping a journal?
• How likely are you to forgive others? (What challenges do you face while forgiving
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others?)
• How likely are you to apologize to others?
• What impact does an apology (or lack thereof) have on a conflict?
• Are some apologies more effective than others? What are the difference(s)?
Forgiveness: A Relational View
Overview
This assignment can be done as a journal or a reflective writing activity, a paper assignment, or
Part One
1. Write a list of people to whom you would like to offer forgiveness, or write a list of people
who might want your forgiveness. (Maybe you can make a list of hurtful messages you’ve
received or other harmful acts.) What do you need to do? What do you need from the other
people?
Part Two
1. Talk to at least one person on each list, and explore the possibility of forgiveness.
a. Identify at least two strategies discussed in the chapter that will help you achieve this
objective.
b. Ask the persons you talk to for their perceptions about the hurtful acts or messages.
c. Ask what the other person needs from you.
d. Tell the other person what you need from her or him.
2. Write a summary of these conversations.
3. What did you learn about yourself and others after completing this activity?
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Activities and Discussion Questions
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Discussion: Forgive and Forget?
The questions given below may be used for a number of activities, including (but not limited to)
the following: (a) a class discussion on the challenges of forgiveness, (b) short in-class writings,
(c) journal entries, and (d) a short essay or a group project. For example, students could
interview their friends and family members to find out their viewpoints on these subjects, and
then, they could report their findings in small groups to the rest of the class.
1. A common saying in our culture is to “forgive and forget.” Do you think that this is
possible, and if so, is it desirable? Why, or why not?
2. Can anything and everything be forgiven?
3. Even if you apologize in a conflict, can you really “take something back” (words or
4. What is the relationship between apologies and forgiveness? Do you need the former to
have the latter?
5. What does it mean to say that forgiveness is a process? What does it mean to say that
forgiveness is a decision? Contrast these two views.
6. Why do you suppose that it’s so difficult to forgive people in our culture? Why do we have
a cultural fixation that says forgiveness means the transgression is “okay”?
7. Must the parties to a conflict communicate for forgiveness to be effective or achieved?
8. What gender differences, if any, have you experienced in forgiveness?
9. How is forgiveness perceived and achieved in other cultures? Contrast the viewpoints on
this topic in other cultures and in the U.S. culture.
10. Finally, how does the advice in this chapter relate to forgiveness in your everyday lives?
(Does it really work?) Explain.
Chapter 10: Extended Dialogue and Discussion
“I Said I Was Sorry!”
Background
X and Y had a terrible fight, but it started out small—over who was going to pick up the car from
the mechanic. They were both pressed for time, and the argument evolved into a discussion over
who did the most work around their house. X had resorted to threats, name-calling, and
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profanity. Y was angry through most of it, but she didn’t raise her voice, and she asked X to stop
calling her names. X said that he needed a break and that nothing good was going to come of this
conversation. X asks Y to leave him alone. Y wanted to salvage the conversation, so she tried
one more time. X came unglued and told her that she never respected his time and to “back off.”
He also said that she deserves his nastiness because he had asked her to leave him alone and she
wouldn’t let it go. Frustrated and sad, Y agreed to give X his space. She went upstairs and cried,
thinking about all the hurtful comments that X made to her, wondering if she could ever get past
this conversation. After a while, instead of feeling sad, she became angry and began to think of
all the hurtful things that she could have said and the ways in which she might get him back for
his comments about her. Y was stewing, when X came upstairs an hour later. Their conversation
is given below.
X: I’m sorry about being a jerk downstairs.
X: Obviously, you aren’t ready to talk.
Y. Obviously. I love how you get to decide when it’s time to talk, all the while accusing me of
not respecting your time.
X: I said I was sorry. What more do you want?
Y: Seriously? Is that supposed to be an apology? Just because you said it doesn’t mean that you
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Y: I did say I was sorry. I’m sure that you didn’t hear it because you were too busy yelling about
how I’m too dumb to figure anything out. I’m not sure what I should apologize for now. You are
the one who said all those mean things, and I’m just supposed to forget about it? You’re right—
I’m not accepting your apology because you aren’t sorry. And here’s the deal—you can’t even
tell me that you wouldn’t go there again. You get more angry and more mean every time we
fight. It’s like we’re at your parents’ house. I don’t want to be called names and put down. It
hurts my feelings.
Discussion Questions
1. Analyze the apologies offered in this conversation. In what ways do X and Y follow the
criteria for a good apology, according to the chapter?
2. In what ways do the apologies need work?
3. Since an analysis of the apologies in X and Y’s conversation doesn’t explain the whole
story, what conflict management advice could you give to X and Y about their conflict
styles, behaviors, or efforts?
4. Locate the places in the conversation where the direction of conflict could be turned into a
positive conversation. What could X or Y say instead to make the conversation positive?
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Activities and Discussion Questions
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Final Activities and Discussion Questions*
Write to the Authors
Come to class with a large envelope addressed to the authors of the text and a set of individual
envelopes. Have students write a personal letter to the authors of the text detailing two
significant insights that they have developed throughout the term. Have them be as specific as
possible about what they have learned and how they learned it. Students also have to identify one
thing from the text that they found problematic or simply disagreed with, and they have to
explain how they feel that the section could be clarified or why it should be discarded.
You may find that it is easier for students to type their responses. In such a case, you could ask
them to write their letters ahead of time and bring the printed copies to class. In class, ask for
volunteers to read their letters to William Wilmot and Joyce Hocker. As a class, summarize the
common themes from the packet of letters that are to be sent. You can use the following
questions to summarize the common themes in the letters to the authors:
1. What are the key themes that have been identified as important learnings?
2. What concepts would you like the authors to clarify or delete?
3. What suggestions would you give the authors in order for them to clarify the challenging
material in the text?
4. What do you really want them to know about your experiences with their text?
Developing Conflict Case Studies
Overview
This assignment is designed to encourage students to work collaboratively and to demonstrate
their ability to create and analyze case studies in conflict. In groups of three or four members
each, ask the students to develop and write a case study in conflict that incorporates three distinct
concepts from the course. Groups should write their cases in such a way that the students who
have taken this course should be able to identify the concepts chosen by the groups. In addition
to writing the case study (which should be limited to 1–2 pages), all groups have to develop a set
of discussion questions that focus on the three concepts exemplified in the case study. Then, the
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groups will be expected to exchange and analyze each other’s case studies.
Description
The initial phase of this assignment can be done as a group project outside of class, or it can be
completed during a two-hour final exam period. In either case, the assignment includes the
development of a case study and discussion questions followed by an exchange and analysis of
the cases by another group.
The instructions for the in–class activity are provided in the section titled “In–Class Instructions,”
and the instructions for the group project assignments are provided in the section titled “Group
Project Instructions.”
Assessment
Your assessment of this assignment will be influenced by the format in which you give the
assignment. You can expect the group project assignment performed outside the class to be more
extensively developed, proofread, etc., than the assignment performed during the class.
However, you should be able to identify the relative importance of each component of the
assignment: the case development, the clarity of course concepts, the complete response to
In-Class Instructions
You will have about 45 minutes to develop your case study and a set of discussion questions. As
a group, determine how to go about this task. Some of you may start by selecting the concepts
and then writing a case that illustrates them. Others may start with a case, and then, they may
discuss the concepts present in it.
Your case should be written legibly so that another group can read and respond to it in the
second half of class.
After a short break, each group will receive a case study and a set of discussion questions from
another team. You will have 20–30 minutes to read and respond to the case you are given. As a
group, you have to summarize and illustrate your responses to the case and present them to the
entire class. You are encouraged to use role plays or other creative means to demonstrate both
your understanding of the complexities in the case and the course concepts embedded within it.
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You are strongly encouraged to use your texts, notes, and your knowledge of the course as
resources for both parts of this assignment.
At the end of the class, you will be asked to turn in the case study you were assigned and any
notes that you make in preparing the presentation of the case study.
Group Project Instructions
As a group, you are to meet outside class to develop a case study and discussion questions for the
case. One of your first tasks will be to determine how you might go about this task. You might
start by selecting concepts, and then, you may write a case that illustrates them. You could also
begin by writing a case, and then, you can discuss the concepts present in it. Ultimately, each
group is responsible for distributing a copy of its written case and the discussion questions for
the case to the instructor and all the students in the class. Ensure that the names of all the group
members are on the finished product.