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IM – 9 | 1
Instructor Resources for Chapter 9
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Chapter Outline
Opening scenario: Family Members Become Friends
I. Why Relationships Matter
a. We form relationships because we need to belong.
b. Relationships bring rewards.
i. Emotional rewards
ii. Material rewards
iii. Health rewards
c. Relationships carry costs as well as rewards.
Learn it, apply it, reflect on it
II. The Nature of Personal Relationships
a. Close relationships require commitment.
b. Close relationships foster interdependence.
c. Close relationships require continuous investment.
d. Close relationships spark dialectical tensions.
i. Autonomy versus connection
ii. Openness versus closedness
iii. Predictability versus novelty
e. Managing dialectical tensions
Learn it, apply it, reflect on it
III. Forming and Maintaining Social Bonds
a. Attraction theory
i. We are attracted by appearance.
ii. We are attracted by proximity.
iii. We are attracted by similarity.
iv. We are attracted by complementarity.
b. Uncertainty reduction theory
c. Predicted outcome value theory
d. Understanding relationship formation
e. Theories about costs and benefits
i. Social exchange theory and relationship formation
ii. Equity theory and relationship formation
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f. Relational maintenance behaviors
i. Positivity
ii. Openness
iii. Assurances
iv. Social networks
v. Sharing tasks
g. Understanding relationship maintenance
i. Social exchange theory and relationship maintenance
ii. Equity theory and relationship maintenance
iii. Shifts in costs and benefits
Learn it, apply it, reflect on it
IV. Stages of Relationship Development
a. Getting in: Relationship formation
i. Initiating
ii. Experimenting
iii. Intensifying
iv. Integrating
v. Bonding
b. Getting out: Relationship dissolution
i. Differentiating
ii. Circumscribing
iii. Stagnating
iv. Avoiding
v. Terminating
c. Individual and cultural variations in relationship development
d. Relationship development and maintenance via online social networking
i. Dealing with uncertainty
ii. Using relational maintenance behaviors
iii. Managing dialectical tensions
Learn it, apply it, reflect on it
In-text boxes:
a. Communication/Dark Side: Crossing the line: When commitment becomes
obsession
b. Fact or Fiction? When forming relationships, opposites attract.
c. Assess Your Skills: How much positivity do you communicate?
d. Got Skills? Giving assurances
e. At a Glance: The five primary relational maintenance behaviors
f. At a Glance: Knapp’s stages of relationship development
g. At a Glance: Knapp’s stages of relationship dissolution
h. Got Skills? Expressing affection online
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Key Terms
approach behaviors
avoidance behaviors
avoiding stage
bonding stage
circumscribing stage
commitment
comparison level
comparison level for alternatives
dialectical tensions
differentiating stage
divorce
equity theory
experimenting stage
initiating stage
integrating stage
intensifying stage
interdependence
interpersonal attraction
investment
need to belong theory
over-benefited
physical attraction
predicted outcome value theory
relational maintenance behaviors
social attraction
social exchange theory
stagnating stage
task attraction
terminating stage
uncertainty reduction theory
under-benefited
Definitions for Key Terms
approach behaviors: communication behaviors that signal one’s interest in getting to know
someone
avoidance behaviors: communication behaviors that signal one’s lack of interest in getting to
know someone
avoiding stage: the stage of relationship dissolution when partners create physical and emotional
distance between them
bonding stage: the stage of relationship development when the people publicly announce their
commitment
circumscribing stage: the stage of relationship dissolution characterized by decreased quality and
quantity of communication between partners
commitment: a desire to stay in a relationship
comparison level: a person’s realistic expectation of what the person wants and thinks he or she
deserves from a relationship
comparison level for alternatives: a person’s assessment of how good his or her current
relationship is, compared to other options
dialectical tensions: conflicts between two important but opposing needs or desires
differentiating stage: the stage of relationship dissolution when partners begin to see their
differences as undesirable or annoying
divorce: the legal termination of a marriage
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equity theory: a theory predicting that a good relationship is one in which one’s ratio of costs and
rewards is equal to that of the person’s partner
experimenting stage: the stage of relationship development when individuals have conversations
to learn more about each other
initiating stage: the stage of relationship development when people meet and interact for the
first time
integrating stage: the stage of relationship development when a deep commitment has formed,
and there is a strong sense that the relationship has its own identity
intensifying stage: the stage of relationship development when individuals move from being
acquaintances to being close friends
interdependence: a state in which each person’s behaviors affect everyone else in the relationship
interpersonal attraction: any force that draws people together to form a relationship
investment: the commitment of resources in our relationships
need to belong theory: a theory that says each of us is born with a fundamental drive to seek,
form, maintain, and protect strong relationships
over-benefited: the state in which one’s relational rewards exceed one’s relational costs
physical attraction: attraction to someone’s physical appearance
predicted outcome value theory: a theory predicting that we form relationships when we think
the effort will be worth it
relational maintenance behaviors: behaviors used to maintain and strengthen personal
relationships
social attraction: attraction to someone’s personality
social exchange theory: a theory predicting that people seek to form and maintain relationships in
which the benefits outweigh the costs
stagnating stage: the stage of relationship dissolution when couples are barely communicating
with each other
task attraction: attraction to someone’s ability and dependability
terminating stage: the stage of relationship dissolution when the relationship is deemed to be
officially over
uncertainty reduction theory: a theory suggesting that people are motivated to reduce their
uncertainty about others
under-benefited: the state in which one’s relational costs exceed one’s relational rewards
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Discussion Questions
• How strong is your own need to belong? In what ways do you see your need for social
relationships influencing the decisions you make (such as where to live, how to spend your
free time)?
• How would you address the dialectical tension of predictability versus novelty in your close
relationship?
• Why do you think physical attraction is so important in forming relationships, even
friendships?
• What would social exchange theory and equity theory have to say about being over-benefited
in a friendship?
• In your opinion, would the process of relationship development for same-sex couples be
different from that of opposite-sex couples? How?
• Which approach to uncertainty reduction would you use when forming relationships online?
Why?
• Which online social network do you find more effective for relationship maintenance? Why?
• How do you feel about disclosing information about your romantic relationships on social
media networks? Would you use social media networks to manage your dialectical tension
with your romantic partner? Explain what approach you would take.
Additional Resources
• Adams, R. G., & Allan, G. (Eds.). (1999). Placing friendship in context. New York, NY:
Cambridge University Press.
• Lang, F. R., & Fingerman, K. L. (Eds.). (2003). Growing together: Personal relationships
across the life span. Cambridge, England: Cambridge University Press.
• Parks, M. R. (2007). Personal relationships and personal networks. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence
Erlbaum Associates.
• Seyfarth, R. M., & Cheney, D. L. (2012). The evolutionary origins of friendship. Annual
Review of Psychology, 63, 153–177.
• Vangelisti, A. L., & Perlman, D. (2006). The Cambridge handbook of personal relationships.
Cambridge, England: Cambridge University Press.
• Winstead, B. A., Derlega, V. J., Montgomery, M. J., & Pilkington, C. (1995). The quality of
199–215.
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Learning Objectives in CONNECT for Interpersonal Communication
Why Relationships Matter
• Recall that having strong social ties with others improves one’s quality of life.
• Explain that humans have an innate motivation to form relationships.
• Describe the need to belong theory.
• Recall that to satisfy the drive for relationships, social bonds that are both interactive and
emotionally close are needed.
• Explain why task-oriented relationships do not fulfill the need to belong.
• List the three types of rewards brought by social relationships.
• Describe the two types of emotional rewards that relationships provide.
• Describe material needs as a benefit of social relationships.
• Describe the two reasons why positive relationships keep people healthy.
• Recognize there are at least two reasons why friendships are important to maintaining health.
• Recall that social relationships carry costs as well as rewards.
The Nature of Personal Relationships
• Define commitment.
• Distinguish between emotional, social, and legal and financial commitment.
• Define interdependence.
• Explain the role of interdependence in close relationships.
• Define investment.
• Explain dialectical tensions that are common in close relationships.
• Identify the three dialectical tensions that often arise within intimate relationships.
• Explain the dialectical tension between autonomy and connection.
• Explain the dialectical tension between openness and closedness.
• Explain the dialectical tension between predictability and novelty.
• Describe the eight strategies used to manage dialectical tensions.
Forming and Maintaining Social Bonds
• Recall that interpersonal communication helps people form and maintain relationships.
• Describe interpersonal attraction.
• Differentiate between physical, social, and task attraction.
• Describe the four factors that are especially powerful in interpersonal attraction.
• Recall that people are attracted by appearance.
• Explain the social and genetic characteristics that make one person more physically attractive
than another.
• Describe the cultural and co-cultural factors that influence aspects of physical attractiveness.
• Explain how proximity is a predictor of attraction.
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• Explain why people are attracted by similarity.
• Explain the two reasons why similarity is an attractive quality in others.
• Define complementarity.
• Recall for complementarity to be considered attractive, the differences must be perceived as
positive.
• Describe uncertainty reduction theory.
• Describe predicted outcome value theory.
• Explain the reasons for predicting positive and negative outcomes when first communicating
with someone.
• Define approach behaviors.
• Explain how the attraction, uncertainty reduction, and predicted outcome value theories
explain approach behaviors.
• Define avoidance behavior.
• Explain how attraction, uncertainty reduction, and predicted outcome value theories explain
avoidance behaviors.
• Describe social exchange theory.
• Define comparison level.
• Define comparison level for alternatives.
• Explain the different effects of comparison level and comparison level for alternatives.
• Explain the major contribution of social exchange theory.
• Define equity theory.
• Differentiate between over-benefitted and under-benefitted in equity theory.
• Define under-benefitted.
• Define relational maintenance behaviors.
• Describe positivity as a relational maintenance behavior.
• Describe openness as a relational maintenance behavior.
• Describe assurances as a relational maintenance behavior.
• Describe sharing social networks as a relational maintenance behavior.
• Describe sharing tasks as a relational maintenance behavior.
• Explain the relationship between social exchange theory and relationship maintenance.
• Explain the relationship between equity theory and relationship maintenance.
• Explain the shifts in costs and benefits.
Stages of Relationship Development
• Recall the five stages of relationship development.
• Describe the initiating stage of relationship development.
• Describe the experimenting stage of relationship development.
• Describe the intensifying stage of relationship development.
• Describe the integrating stage of relationship development.
• Describe the bonding stage of relationship development.
• Recall the five stages of relationship dissolution.
• Recall that relationship formation involves five stages.
• Describe the differentiating stage of relationship dissolution.
• Describe the circumscribing stage of relationship dissolution.
• Describe the stagnating stage of relationship dissolution.
• Describe the avoiding stage of relationship dissolution.
• Describe the terminating stage of relationship dissolution.
• Explain how relationship development may vary by individual and culture.
• Recall that online social networking is one of the primary contexts for relationship
development and maintenance.
• Explain how people manage relationship uncertainty when online.
• Describe how creeping online can be a passive or interactive strategy.
• Explain how to conduct relational maintenance when online.
• Explain how dialectical tensions are managed online.
In-Class Exercises
In-Class Exercise A: Dealing with Dialectical Tensions
1. This exercise encourages students to identify approaches to dealing with common dialectical
tensions in relationships. You can do the exercise individually but it also works well in
groups of three to five students.
2. Remind students that a dialectical tension is a conflict between two important but opposing
needs or desires. The exercise described here focuses on the autonomy-connectedness tension
but you can substitute others if you wish.
3. Relay the story of a college freshman—let’s call him Raul—who moves back in with his
parents for the summer after attending his first year of college out of state. Even though he
feels close to his parents and wants and needs their support, he is also used to having more
autonomy than they are used to giving him. (Perhaps your students will be able to relate to
the predicament.) That situation activates the autonomy-connectedness dialectical tension for
Raul.
4. After relaying that story, ask students (alone or in groups) to generate eight different
approaches Raul might take to dealing with the tension, corresponding to the eight strategies
identified by researchers: 1) denial, 2) disorientation, 3) alternation, 4) segmentation,
5) balance, 6) integration, 7) recalibration, and 8) reaffirmation. Students should be
encouraged to consult the text, if necessary, to refresh their memories about the
characteristics of each strategy.
5. When the exercise is complete, ask the class for an example of how Raul might adopt each
strategy. If any answers are inappropriately labeled (e.g., the answer offered for segmentation
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is really an example of integration), point that out to students so that they can clearly see the
differences between the strategies.
In-Class Exercise B: Write a Personal Ad for a Friend
1. This exercise encourages students to think about what they look for and value in their
friendships. The exercise is to be done individually.
2. Many students will be familiar with the concept of writing personal ads to meet prospective
romantic partners. If you think it’s necessary, you might bring in examples of romantically
oriented personal ads collected from print or online media and discuss their characteristics
with your class.
3. This activity involves having students each write a personal ad geared toward attracting a
platonic friend rather than a romantic partner. Have students structure their ads similarly to
those seen for romantic partners, wherein writers describe themselves (demographics,
interests, personalities) as well as what they’re looking for.
4. You needn’t specify whether students should write their ads seeking a same-sex friend or an
opposite-sex friend. Some may write their ads specifically for one or the other; others may
write their ads seeking a friend of either sex.
5. After giving students adequate time to construct their ads, place students in small mixed-sex
groups. Within each group, ask each student to read his or her ad aloud to the rest of the
group. When all have done so, ask the group to discuss what qualities its members tended to
emphasize about themselves and what qualities they tended to seek in friends.
6. You might have one representative from each group present a summary of that group’s
findings to the rest of the class. Use the activity to generate discussion about what your
students look for most in their friends.
Out-of-Class Exercises
Out-of-Class Exercise A: The Costs of Friendship
1. In this exercise, students keep a diary for one week of the emotional, temporal, and material
costs of maintaining their friendships. The exercise is to be done individually.
2. Students should begin by identifying their three closest friends whom they interact with on a
regular basis.
3. Over a period of one week (or another duration that better fits your needs), students should
keep a written record of every cost associated with maintaining each of the three friendships.
These should include: 1) emotional costs, such as having to give social support or feeling bad
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at a friend’s misfortune; 2) temporal costs, such as the amount of time and attention
each friendship requires; and, 3) material costs, such as money or other tangible resources.
4. Students should record these costs as objectively as possible; that is, they shouldn’t discount
the costs just because they are outweighed by benefits. This will give students a
representative look at the emotional, temporal, and material investments they make in their
close friendships within a given week.
5. You might ask students to write up their results in a paper, and/or to present them in class.
Out-of-Class Exercise B: Forming Friendships Online
1. In this exercise, students will form a friendship online with someone else in your class. The
exercise will encourage students to be attentive to how they present themselves and how they
form new friendships in a computer-mediated environment. This activity can be done just for
this unit, or you might choose to start the activity early in the term and let it unfold as an
ongoing exercise in computer-mediated interpersonal communication.
2. Before starting the activity, assign each student the task of creating a nondescript email
address on a free email server, such as Yahoo or Gmail. Each student should create a new
email account, making sure that nothing in the email address would give clues to his or her
identity and ensuring that the name associated with the email (i.e., the name that would
appear in one’s inbox) is similarly nondescript. Give students a few days to complete this
task. Instruct students to write their name and created email address on a sheet of paper and
give it to you confidentially; it is crucial that students keep their new email address a secret
from all of the other students.
3. Go through your list of students and pair them up at random. Give each student the email
address of his or her secret partner (do not reveal who each student’s partner is), and instruct
students to make online contact. (If you have an odd number of students, you might create
your own nondescript email address and pair yourself up with the extra student.)
4. Instruct students to save all of their incoming and outgoing emails with their secret partners.
At a specified time, ask each student to write a short report describing the process of forming
a friendship with their partner, and then ask the student to name the student thought to be his
or her partner. After the exercise, reveal the partner pairs in class, and ask students to indicate
how many of them were surprised by the revelation.
5. If you use this activity over a longer period of time (i.e., not just for this unit), you might
have students do an informal content-analysis of their emails and write a more detailed
description of their relational trajectory, making reference to principles of perception, self-
presentation, attraction, relational maintenance, etc. That could be a term-paper project.
