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Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
Lecture Notes
Chapter 9: Communicating Sexually: The Closest Physical Encounter
Chapter Outline
I. Sexual Attitudes
A. Sexual Attitudes Before and After the Sexual Revolution
1. Attitudes toward sexuality, particularly premarital and female sexuality,
became increasingly liberal in the United States during the 20th century.
Throughout most of the century, premarital sex was considered unacceptable,
particularly for women.
2. Number of partners has remained fairly constant over the years, especially
since news of the AIDS epidemic in the 1980s, but by the 21st century, over
80% of men and women have had premarital sexual intercourse.
3. Factors beginning sexual revolution:
a. The 1960s was a revolutionary era for all types of values, including those
associated with politics, music, the environment, civil rights, and
women’s rights.
b. With the birth control pill--first simple and effective technology that
permitted sex without reproduction, for the first time in human history,
women could have sexual relationships without risking pregnancy.
B. General Attitudes Toward Sex
1. Procreational orientation: It reflects the belief that producing offspring is
the primary purpose of sexual intercourse, a position taken by most major
religions, associated with traditional, conservative cultural values.
2. Relational orientation: It holds that sex is a way of expressing love and
affection, and developing greater relational intimacy, a most common view
today in the United States.
II. Casual Sex
A. The Hookup Culture
1. Hookups are spontaneous, casual sexual encounters with an acquaintance or
a stranger who is not a regular dating partner with no expectations of a long-
term relationship, but not all hookups culminate in sexual intercourse.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
2. Extends beyond college for some:
a. Especially some online dating apps are geared more toward hookups than
relationships.
3. Adolescents who engage in normative sexual behavior are better adjusted
psychologically and more positive about life than are adolescents who are
sexually inexperienced.
4. Problems with the hookup culture:
a. People are worried about someone catching feelings, which can lead to
communication patterns that are dismissive and unkind.
b. After hooking up, two people ignore each other for a while, and some
people said they felt used and disrespected when this happened.
5. Communication plays a part:
a. Men still engage in the old-school kind of locker room talk their
grandmothers frowned upon, bragging about who they got with,
especially if the girl is pretty and selective.
b. Women are competitive with each other, comparing aspects of their
personalities and looks as well as which men paid attention to them.
6. Not all men are beneficiaries:
a. Some men want relationships, complain that it is difficult to know when
a woman is interested in them, believe that the culture only advantages
certain men, and nice guys wanting relationships are not seen desirable.
b. Others feel like they cannot compete with players who get the choosy
7. Comes with some drawbacks:
a. Knowing what you want and having the right expectations can make a
big difference in whether you are happy with opting in or out of the
hookup culture.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
b. For those who want something more stable but prefer not to be in a
committed relationship, another option is a friend with benefits
relationship.
8. Friends With Benefits Relationships
a. Friends with benefits are sexual but nonromantic relationships among
friends or acquaintances. Two people have a continuing sexual
relationship but do not call themselves a couple.
b. Subtypes include “true” friends who have sex, serial hookups, and
III. Sex in Relationships
• Romance is here to stay:
o Some people immersed in hookup culture fall in love and committed relationships,
sometimes despite their intentions not to do so.
• Dating is not dead: It is still common on college campuses and considered to be a
higher quality relationship than a hookup.
• If the relationship is satisfying and if neither partner feels coerced or obligated to have
sex, their first experience of sexual intercourse usually has a positive effect on the
relationship.
• In long-term relationships, people place a high value on qualities such as interpersonal
skill, emotional stability, responsiveness, affection, and family orientation, and less
value on physical attraction.
A. Sex Differences and Similarities
1. Men and women view sexual desire and satisfaction as vital to true romantic
love, with physical contact seen as an essential part of expressing love.
2. Biologically, women invest more time and resources in becoming a parent
while men invest more in finding a mate and having sex.
3. Sexual desire versus sexual attraction:
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
a. Men have a stronger sex drive than women and that they experience
4. Female sex drive is more socially flexible, culturally responsive, and
adaptable than the male sex drive, which is more predictable and consistent,
and less shaped by culture.
5. Female sexuality is also more varied across different sociocultural settings
than is male sexuality and there is greater cross-cultural variation in sexual
behavior for females than for males.
6. Thinking about sex differently:
a. Men have greater expectations for sex on dates and may feel social
pressure and gain status by having sex.
b. Men think about sex more often, as much as every few seconds during
7. Differences in sexual behavior:
a. Men tend to look at women longer and more sexually than women look
at men.
b. Men are more likely to view pornography on the Internet and women
8. Men and women more similar: There are a lot of differences, but they get
smaller within a relationship where both people experience sexual desire and
want to be emotionally and sexually intimate with each other.
B. Sex in Same-Sex Relationships
1. More than mere preference:
a. Most people have early recollections of same-sex attraction and a clear
sense that they were different from the majority as early as preschool.
2. Because men and women differ in their sexual attitudes and behaviors, it is
not surprising that relationships between lesbians, gay men, and heterosexuals
also differ to some degree.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
3. There are similarities among people:
a. Like straight couples, the vast majority of lesbians and gay men want
intimacy and long-term committed relationships.
4. Not readily accepted or understood:
a. Gays and lesbians are more likely to meet partners for dates and hookups
online rather than in bars or at parties.
b. Publicly gay men experience more anxiety and depression than do
closeted men.
5. Sex in Lesbian Relationships
a. Compared to heterosexual couples and gay male couples, lesbians report
the highest level of relational satisfaction and the lowest level of sexual
victimization.
b. Over 75% of lesbian couples are monogamous, a trend that has increased
over the past 40 years, and unlike men lesbians are less attracted to
women based on physical attraction.
6. Sex in Relationships Between Gay Men
a. On average, gay men have more sex partners, engage in sex more often,
in casual encounters and long-term relationships, and rate casual sex as
pleasurable.
b. Because women often act as sexual gatekeepers, the absence of a woman
IV. Communication About Sex
A. Flirting and Courtship
1. Nonverbal flirtation displays are common:
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
a. Gazes, smiles, warm vocal tones, and close distances are key flirtatious
behaviors, whereas indirect nonverbal cues are often used because they
2. Direct verbal strategies are used: Telling people they look sexy or talking
about sex, however, are more likely to be used in an established romantic
relationship.
3. People’s motivations and flirting style: Five different flirting styles are the
traditional flirting style, the physical flirting style, the sincere flirting style,
the playful flirting style, and the polite flirting style.
4. Flirting behaviors in courtship context:
a. Models of courtship suggest people go through five identifiable stages as
5. The Attention Stage
a. The goal of the attention stage is to get the other person’s attention and
present oneself in the best possible light.
b. Throughout history, it was common for women to drop a glove or
handkerchief in front of a man whom they wanted to get to know and the
man, if polite, was to retrieve it.
c. Today, any place where singles gather, we are likely to see a variety of
6. The Courtship Readiness Stage
a. During the courtship readiness stage, the person who made the first
move by trying to get attention determines whether the other person is
approachable for interaction.
b. The courtship readiness stage typically includes behaviors such as mutual
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
7. The Positioning Stage
a. Close distancing and face-to-face body orientation are typical in the
positioning stage, as are forward leans.
b. Partners also gaze and smile at each other and display interest and
animation through gestures and expressive voices.
c. If the relationship is progressing, hand-holding is a common romantic or
sexual escalation event.
8. The Invitations and Sexual Arousal Stage
a. Fourth stage is the invitations and sexual arousal stage, beginning of
which is marked by subtle touch and sexual contact.
b. Behaviors may seem fairly subtle but can produce powerful effects for
those who are attracted to each other since they release oxytocin and
endorphins, chemicals key to bonding, trust, and pleasure.
c. End of this stage typically includes dancing in a suggestive way or
revealing body parts by unbuttoning one’s shirt, rolling one’s sleeves up,
9. The Resolution Stage
a. Final courtship stage is called the resolution stage, which is not always
easy, especially if the behaviors used in the sexual arousal and invitations
stage were indirect and ambiguous.
b. Partners’ intent might be unclear: Perhaps one person is just being
friendly while the other is interested in sex or a potential relationship.
c. Men are more likely than women to see flirtatious behaviors as seductive,
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
e. In longer courtships, couples spend considerable time in the sexual
arousal and invitations stage, with sexual intimacy increasing slowly over
time.
f. Misunderstandings can still occur: Sometimes one person is ready to
B. Initiation Strategies
1. Hinting and Indirect Strategies
a. Sexual relations are sensitive and ego threatening, so hinting and
indirect strategies, which involve using flirtatious behavior, can be
useful.
b. Romantic conversations are full of indirect communication such as
compliments, sexual innuendo, hints, and nonverbal communication,
which are safe ploys if the partner does not respond sexually.
2. Expressions of Closeness
a. Both men and women are most comfortable with sexual involvement if
emotional and physical closeness is present, which is particularly true
for women.
b. Establishing a close relationship and sending reassuring relational
messages result in increased sexual activity.
c. Telling your partner how much you like her or him, flattering your
partner, and sharing time and space with your partner are ways to
3. Logic and Reasoning
a. Another sexual influence tactic is logical reasoning, which involves
persuading someone that it is advantageous to become sexually involved.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
b. This strategy uses logic or negotiates the timing or degree of sexual
involvement to overcome a partner’s concerns.
c. These types of tactics are associated with greater sexual activity in a
relationship over the long term, although they may limit or postpone
4. Pressure and Manipulation
a. Men are more likely to use pressure and manipulation to gain sexual
compliance than women.
b. Strategies encompass coercive tactics: Repeated requests for sex, threats
to break off or de-escalate the relationship, the use of drugs or alcohol to
reduce resistance to sex, and outright deception.
c. These tactics seldom increase the frequency of sexual activity in a
5. Antisocial Acts
a. Evidence suggests that antisocial acts are usually unsuccessful in
initiating sex in a relationship.
b. These strategies involve responding to a person’s refusal to have first sex,
or a person’s refusal to have the amount or type of sex you want, by
engaging in negative behavior.
c. These strategies encompass a wide assortment of tactics, including
C. Refusing and Accepting Sexual Invitations
1. The power to refuse and regulate sex has traditionally been a woman’s
prerogative.
2. Women are judicious and less casual:
a. Men are poor at turning down sex and have few refusal strategies in their
repertoire but should be taken as seriously as women when they decline
to have sex.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
b. Women regard men’s refusals as insincere, unexpected, and upsetting,
which do not imply that women have license to ignore men’s refusals.
3. Women often use indirect strategies to refuse sex because these are perceived
as polite; however, direct strategies are more effective for refusing sex.
4. In committed dating relationships, both men and women accept the majority
of sexual initiations by their partner. Contrary to the stereotype, women are
more likely to be facilitators of sexual interaction than gatekeepers.
5. Everyone has right to refuse: Saying “no” to sex in a long-term relationship is
often difficult because partners do not want to hurt one another’s feelings, but
everyone has the right to refuse sex no matter how close the relationship.
a. Long-term partners must say “no” in a tender and supportive manner
with clear verbal communication, because the best refusals are done
D. Sexual Coercion and Consent
1. Sexual coercion occurs when an individual pressures or forces another to
engage in unwanted sexual activity, with physical force the most
unacceptable means of coercion.
2. Women generally find sexual coercion to be less acceptable than men and
coercive strategies are generally unsuccessful in gaining sexual compliance.
3. Sexual assault is worse but common: Based on data from the Online College
Social Life Survey, around one in five women and 1 in 16 men on college
campuses has been a victim of some type of sexual coercion or assault.
E. Pillow Talk
1. Pillow talk represents one of the brightest and most rewarding sides of sexual
communication.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
2. People’s communication before sex: Includes seduction, hitting on a person,
flirting, come-ons, propositions, pressure, booty calls, requests, and of course,
turndowns, turnoffs, rejection messages, declines, and refusals.
3. Looking at communication following sex: Hookups are characterized by little
communication following sex, with people often ignoring one another so as
5. Pillow talk takes place after sexual intercourse or sexual climax, often
accompanied by relaxation, physical and psychological closeness, cuddling,
and pleasant conversation, including expressions of affection and liking.
6. Partners who orgasmed engaged in increased self-disclosure, particularly
positive disclosure, and found greater benefits from disclosing than partners
7. Testosterone in postsex communication:
a. Higher testosterone levels were associated with disclosure perceived as
less beneficial and riskier, even if less intentional and less positive.
8. Alcohol consumption is negatively associated with pillow talk and deep
disclosure, and there may also be a difference in romantic relationship sex as
opposed to hookups or one-night stands.
F. Communication, Sexual Satisfaction, and Relational Satisfaction
1. Self-disclosure about one’s sexual preferences and feelings is associated with
a satisfying and rewarding relationship.
2. Good communication about sex leads to greater sexual satisfaction, which in
turn contributes to more relational satisfaction.
3. Indirect communication about sex decreases sexual satisfaction for both men
and women, whereas direct communication increases both sexual satisfaction
and overall relational satisfaction.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
5. While sex is a major contributor to satisfaction in romantic relationships, it is
usually not the best predictor.
V. Safe Sex
• Total abstinence is unusual, unrealistic, precludes most romantic relationships, and
fails to work with the high percentage of adolescents who are not virgins.
• Being in a close relationship inadvertently puts partners at risk since trust is higher
and, as a result, safe sex is practiced less in the closest relationships.
• Even people who are careful about using condoms as an extra layer of protection to
prevent pregnancy during vaginal sex tend not to use protection when engaging in
other forms of sex.
• Unsafe sex can occur with any partner and it is therefore always best to be proactive
about safe sex with every partner. This requires communicating with partners about
