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Chapter 9
Principles of Interpersonal Communication
CHAPTER OUTCOMES
• Define characteristics of interpersonal communication
• Understand what compels you to form relationships in the first place
CHAPTER OUTLINE
WHAT IS INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION?
As the name implies, interpersonal communication is “inter-person,” or between two people.
But what makes interpersonal communication “interpersonal” goes way beyond numbers.
Interpersonal communication is how you connect with other human beings in meaningful
ways; it’s what makes up the moments that matter.
• Interpersonal communication is communication between two people in which the messages
exchanged significantly impact their thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and relationships. It is
dyadic, involving pairs of people (dyads).
○ It is our primary tool for building, maintaining, and ending relationships.
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INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION IS TRANSACTIONAL
• Both parties contribute to the meaning created during the communication. This includes
everything from a shared glance to an intense conversation.
• If the communication is dyadic and linear, it can still be interpersonal communication,
INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION IS DYNAMIC
• When you interact with others, your communication and everything that influences it
(perceptions, thoughts, feelings, emotions) are continually shifting (dynamic).
○ No two moments within the same interaction will ever be identical.
○ No two interactions with the same person will ever be identical.
INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION IS RELATIONAL
• It builds bonds with others by embracing the fundamental similarities that connect you with
others, trying to see things from others’ points of view and communicating with honesty and
kindness.
○ Use the I-Thou approach, or view individuals with an open mind, and give them the
same attention and respect you expect for yourself. You don’t have to agree with
INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION IS IMPACTFUL
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• It influences the thoughts, emotions, behavior, and relationships of the people taking part in
it. As a result, you may change how you feel and think about yourself and others; alter
others’ opinions of you; and create, maintain, or dissolve relationships.
• It contrasts sharply with impersonal communication, or exchanges that have a negligible
perceived impact on your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and relationships.
WHY FORM RELATIONSHIPS?
Whether it is one of life’s “big” moments or an everyday encounter, interpersonal
communication is how you share experiences with others and form the bonds that anchor any
relationship. Knowing how and why you create such relationships is the first step toward
understanding how you communicate within them.
• Interpersonal relationships are the emotional, mental, and physical involvements that you
forge with others through communication.
PROXIMITY
• The mere exposure effect refers to pursuing a relationship simply because you have
frequent face-to-face or online contact with another person.
RESOURCES
• This refers to the valued qualities people possess, including personality traits, physical
skills, social status, and material wealth.
• Some resources—such as a sense of humor, intelligence, kindness, supportiveness, and
whether the person seems “fun”—are considered valuable by most people, regardless of
gender or sexual orientation.
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• The social exchange theory suggests that you’ll feel drawn to individuals who offer you
substantial benefits with few costs. In addition, you will pursue a relationship with someone
SIMILARITY
• The birds-of-a-feather effect refers to seeking romantic partnerships, close family
involvements, friendships, and coworker relationships with people you see as similar to
yourself.
• In this case, surface-level taste and preference differences won’t hurt the relationship, as
long as you and the other person are similar in other, more important ways.
RECIPROCAL LIKING
• This occurs when someone you’re interested in makes it clear that he or she is also
interested in you and increases the chance that you and the other person will forge a
relationship.
• When it comes to romantic involvements, studies examining people’s narrative descriptions
of “falling in love” have found that reciprocal liking is the most commonly mentioned factor
leading to love.
PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS
• You’re more likely to get involved with people you find physically attractive.
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TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS
If you consider all the relationships you experience, four usually stand out as the most
impactful: lovers, family members, friends, and coworkers. But although these involvements
are important in your life, they also are widely different from one another. Knowing the unique
characteristics of each relationship type can improve your communication within them.
ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS
• Interpersonal involvements are rooted in perception in which the participants perceive the
bond as romantic; the relationship exists whenever the two partners believe that it does, and
as perceptions change, so too does the relationship.
• Liking is a feeling of affection, a sense of warmth and fondness, and respect, or admiration
for another person regardless of how he or she treats you and communicates with you.
• Loving is an intense emotional connection consisting of
○ Intimacy, which is a feeling of closeness and “union” between you and another person.
• Passionate love is the state of intense emotional and physical longing for union with
another.
○ It is experienced across cultures, genders, and ages.
○ It is integrally linked with sexuality and sexual desire.
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○ It is negatively related to relationship duration; the longer you’re with a romantic partner,
the less intense your passionate love will feel.
• Companionate love is an intense form of liking defined by emotional investment and the
close intertwining of two people’s lives.
FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS
• A family is a network of people who share their lives over long periods of time and are
bound by marriage, blood, or commitment; who consider themselves a family; and who
share a significant history and anticipate a future of functioning in a family relationship.
• This definition highlights three characteristics that distinguish families from other social
groups:
○ Shared identity includes how a family communicates, genetic material, and common
history.
○ Multiple roles refers to how family members are constantly juggling multiple roles with
different demands, such as simultaneously being a parent, spouse, grandparent, daughter
or son, and sibling. Each of these roles carries its own expectations and demands, forcing
FRIENDSHIPS
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• Friendships are voluntary interpersonal relationships characterized by intimacy and liking.
• Friendships have three distinguishing characteristics:
○ They are based on liking, which means that you’re not as emotionally attached or
emotionally demanding with friends. Many people assume that they should be more loyal
to and more willing to help romantic partners and family members than friends.
○ They are based on choice. You have more freedom in choosing your friendships than you
WORKPLACE RELATIONSHIPS
• Workplace relationships include affiliations you have with professional peers, supervisors,
subordinates, or mentors. These involvements vary along three dimensions:
○ Status: Most workplaces are structured hierarchically in terms of status, with some people
ranked higher or lower than others in organizational position and power. A defining
feature of workplace relationships is the equality or inequality of relationship partners.
RELATIONSHIP STAGES
Although there’s no set rule for how relationships progress, most go through certain stages,
marked by differences in communication and intimacy. These “turning points” provide a sense
of where the relationship is going. Sometimes these are positive—such as when good friends
become best friends. Other times they’re less pleasant, such as when you break off a romance.
Knowing about these stages will help you recognize the status of your own relationships and
communicate better within them.
COMING TOGETHER
• Knapp’s stages illustrate one possible flow of relationship development to suggest
benchmarks or turning points in relationships, not fixed rules for how involvements should
or do progress. Relationships may go through some, none, or all of these stages in any order.
• The coming together stages include the following:
1. Initiating involves sizing up a new person to decide whether you want to get to know that
2. Experimenting begins when you start exchanging demographic information, looking for
3. Intensifying occurs when you and the other person begin to share more personal
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4. Integrating starts when you and your partner’s personalities seem to blend and you both
5. Bonding is the ultimate stage of coming together and is a public ritual, such as a wedding
or commitment ceremony, that announces to the world that you and your romantic
partner have made a commitment to one another.
COMING APART
• These stages occur in most relationships as we begin to become less intimate with a
relationship partner or our interests change. Your relationships may go through some, none,
or all of these stages. These stages often involve intense emotional pain that can make it
difficult for the individuals involved to communicate competently with one another. You
can better handle these as they come up by knowing and understanding these relationship
stages. The coming apart stages are as follows:
1. Differentiating occurs as the beliefs, attitudes, and values that distinguish you from your
partner come to dominate your thoughts and communication. Most healthy relationships
experience occasional periods of differentiating. These moments can involve arguing
over what the partners see as conflicting viewpoints, tastes, or goals.
2. Circumscribing occurs when one or both of you respond to problematic differences by
ignoring them, spending less time talking, and actively restricting the quantity and quality
of information you exchange in the relationship.
3. Stagnating begins when the circumscribing becomes so severe that you and the other
person have almost no safe topics you can talk about; communication slows to a
4. Avoiding occurs when one or both of you decide that you no longer can be around each
other, and you begin distancing yourself physically. Some people communicate
5. Terminating ends a relationship and occurs when one party wants to come together for a
final encounter to achieve a sense of closure and resolution. Former partners might
discuss the past, present, and future of the relationship. Many people find terminating a
relationship painful or awkward.
CLASS DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. Explain the differences between I-Thou and I-It connections with others. Give an
example of each.
2. What is the birds-of-a-feather effect? Give an example of a current relationship that
fits this category. Do you have another relationship that doesn’t follow this effect? If
so, what makes this relationship different?
• Students may question the birds-of-a-feather effect and bring up the concept of
“opposites attract.” Discuss with them how even those whom we identify as our
3. Review the five “coming apart” stages of a relationship. Do you think any of these
stages are healthy for a relationship? Why or why not?
• Help students realize that not all relationships go through these stages; but at times,
4. Explain the beautiful-is-good effect. Do you think the media affects this
phenomenon? Why or why not? Give an example.
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5. Using the social exchange theory, describe two examples of how we might pursue a
relationship. Do you agree with the premise of the social exchange theory? Can it be
abused? Why or why not?
• Explore with students how the social exchange theory moves beyond tangible
VIDEO SCENARIOS
HOW TO COMMUNICATE: ENDING A RELATIONSHIP
This video feature shows students competent communication skills in action based on the
scenario following. The first video illustrates an ideal outcome, whereas the What if?
challenges prompt them to apply their own skills to times when their communication partner is
Scenario: The close connection that once existed between you and a relationship partner—
Alex—has faded. You no longer share anything in common, and you bicker and fight more than
you get along. You decide to end the relationship and now must inform Alex of your decision.
The text suggests students use the following skills to maintain competent interpersonal
communication in a difficult situation.
1. Create a context for the conversation by choosing the right time and place, making sure
you’re face to face, in a comfortable environment, and have plenty of time to talk.
Don’t discuss termination if your partner has important obligations in the near future
that might be negatively impacted by your interaction, such as exams or interviews.
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2. Use clear, positive, honest “I” language; avoid blame and negativity; keep the focus
squarely on you and your feelings; and ask for his or her viewpoint.
You might say, “I don’t feel that there’s a solid connection between us anymore. I think
3. Offer empathic concern and emotional support, being careful to legitimize (rather than
challenge) their reaction and framing your decision in a desire for mutual happiness.
You might say, “I’m really sorry. I totally understand that this is hurtful and you might be
Instructor Note: Online, students will be asked a multiple-choice question after the first
video. For Chapter 9, it is this:
Question: The statement, “Maybe you’ve been feeling the same way but haven’t wanted to
face it,” is an attempt to ___________________ during the termination conversation.
A. revert to the integrating stage
B. deny reciprocal liking
C. prove stagnating
D. use perspective-taking*
[The * indicates the right answer. Depending whether the student answers the question right or
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Wrong answer: Incorrect. During termination conversations, skills such as empathic concern
and perspective-taking help you express compassion and support for the other person. See the
WHAT IF?
This section challenges students to adapt their skills and communication plans when things
don’t work out as shown previously. Students will view two videos. In each video, the
encounter becomes challenging and students must choose how they would respond based on
the open-ended question.
1. How would you counter Alex’s denial that there’s a problem in the relationship:
“We’re just fine! I know we disagree a lot, but so what? You think other people
don’t argue?”
You might say, “Alex, I think we are comfortable with each other, but if you really think
about it, you will agree that we both want something different in life and are moving apart.”
2. If Alex blames you for the failure of the relationship, and attacks you personally,
what would you say if Alex says, “This is all your fault anyway! You never really
gave us a chance, you know that?”
You might say, “I understand how you feel, but let’s not start blaming each other. I’m
sure both of us have some regrets, but I don’t think either of us is happy and we have
moved too far apart.”
CLASSROOM ACTIVITIES
1. Knapp’s Relational Development Stages Interviews
Goal: To help students understand Knapp’s stages of relationships
Time: 60 minutes
1. Give students the following as homework:
a. Identify a person in your life who has been involved in a long–term relationship
(longer than 5 years) with another person (not you). I highly recommend that you
b. Your goal is to explain Knapp’s relational development stages to them and then
ask them to tell you about their relationship as it relates to each stage. Ask them
c. Keep good notes during this interview so you can later chart examples.
d. Once the interview is completed, create a chart or timeline of the relationship.
2. On the day the assignment is due, arrange the class in a circle to encourage discussion.
Ask volunteers to share their interview results. Were they surprised by any of their
findings? Did the person they interviewed have difficulty identifying any or all of the
stages? Did the person skip a relationship stage? What stage are they in now?
2. Impromptu Speed Relationship
Goal: To allow students to explore each relationship stage
Time: 60 minutes
2. Tell the class about Melvin and Shannon who have been set up on a blind date.
3. The class is responsible for moving this couple from one stage to the next in brief skits.
4. Each couple is allowed 30 seconds at the beginning of the skit to give a brief “set
up” and let the audience know what is going on in Melvin’s and Shannon’s lives at
the time of the relationship stage. The skit should last no longer than 5 minutes. Each
couple will be given 5 minutes to prepare their impromptu re-enactment between
each stage and must use the information presented in previous stages to advance the
story.
3. I-Thou and I-It Relationship Challenge
Goal: To have students explore the concept of I-Thou and I-It relationships
Time: 30 minutes
2. Ask two of the groups to comprise a list of celebrities or public figures that they feel
have I-Thou romantic relationships. Ask the other two groups to comprise a similar
3. Once complete, bring the groups back together to discuss the findings with the class.
Discuss why they selected their couples.
4. Top-10 Best Friend Relationship Killers and Relationship Builders
Goal: To allow students to explore the effective communication characteristics of a best
friend
Time: 30 minutes
2. Give the groups 15 minutes to brainstorm ideas for the following two lists:
a. Best Friend Relationship Builders: list and rank 10 characteristics that are
3. Once complete, have the groups present their findings. Next, have the entire class
identify the top five characteristics for each list based on the results they’ve shared.
5. Birds-of-a-Feather Effect—How True Is It?
1. Ask students to make three columns labeled “person,” “similarities,” and
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2. Ask students to write the names of three people whom they consider to be good
friends in the “person” column. They should leave spaces below each name.
3. Have students quickly brainstorm all the similarities and differences between them
and each good friend and write the results in the “similarities” and “differences”
5. On a board or flip chart, record the results and discuss. Does the birds-of-a-feather
effect hold true? Discuss the findings with students.
MEDIA RESOURCES
1. “Knapp’s Relationship Model”
This video uses movie and television examples to demonstrate the different stages of
2. “Can Men and Women Be Just Friends? The Science of Love”
3. Living on One Dollar (Indieflix, 2013)
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4. “140: Family Business”
This audio episode of This American Life is the story of four families and the dynamics
5. How Will We Love? (2004)
This documentary by Chris Brickler explores romantic love and long-term commitment.
Brickler interviews his grandparents, who celebrated their 63rd wedding anniversary, to