CHAPTER 7: Communication in Personal Relationships
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
After studying the topics in this chapter, students should be able to:
1. Examine one of your own current or former friendships by applying each of the five
features of personal relationships to it.
3. Name the three factors most strongly associated with our choice of romantic partners.
5. Identify benefits and risks of online relationships.
6. Apply this chapter’s guidelines to improve your ability to build and maintain healthy
relationships.
MINDTAP ENGAGEMENT QUESTION
The first student activity in Chapter 7 asks students a polling question where they are presented
with a set of answer choices. One point is awarded regardless of what answer they choose. The
question is designed to reveal beliefs or assumptions about a chapter-specific topic. As an
instructor, you can view your classes’ responses as a pie chart within MindTap and discuss the
results in class, if you choose. This chapter’s question is:
What is the single most important quality you look for in a close friend?
a. Trustworthiness
CHAPTER OUTLINE
I. Personal relationships are unique commitments between irreplaceable individuals who
are influenced by rules, relational dialectics, and surrounding contexts.
A. Personal relationships are unique.
2. When a partner leaves or dies, that relationship ends.
3. Partners in personal relationships are considered irreplaceable.
B. Personal relationships are based on commitment.
1. Passion involves intensely positive feelings and desires for another person. Passion
is a feeling based on the rewards of involvement with a person.
3. Commitment grows out of investments that we put into relationships that cannot
be recovered if the relationship ends.
C. Personal relationships have rules.
D. Personal relationships are affected by contexts.
1. Personal relationships are not isolated from the social world.
E. Personal relationships include relational dialectics, which are opposing and continual
tensions that are normal in personal relationships.
2. The novelty/predictability dialectic entails desires for spontaneity and routine.
4. Dialectics can be managed in multiple ways.
a. Neutralization is a response that compromises dialectical needs into a balance.
b. Separation is a response that satisfies one dialectical need and ignores,
neglects, and/or denies the contradictory need.
II. There are common patterns in the evolution of personal relationships.
A. A model of friendships includes typical stages.
1. Role-limited interaction includes early interactions that tend to follow standard
social roles and rules.
3. Moving toward friendship occurs when individuals step out of social roles and
begin to personalize their interactions.
4. Nascent friendship exists when individuals begin to think of themselves as friends
6. Some friendships last a life time, while others drift apart or end abruptly. Waning
7. Even when serious violations occur between friends, relationships can sometimes
be repaired. For this to happen, both friends must be committed to rebuilding trust
and talking openly about their feelings and needs.
B. Romantic relationships typically involve three broad phases within which there are
more specific stages.
1. Escalation is the first phase in romance.
a. Before a romantic relationship begins, there are individuals who have
particular needs, goals, experiences, and qualities that affect what they want in
others and relationships.
2. The second phase in romance is navigation, which is an ongoing process of
3. Some relationships endure, while others face the deterioration phase.
a. Deterioration often begins when one or both partners reflect and sometimes
brood about dissatisfaction with the relationship.
b. As gloomy thoughts snowball and awareness of positive features of the
relationship ebbs, partners may actually talk themselves into the failure of
their relationship.
c. If unchecked, dissatisfaction tends to lead to the breakdown of established
patterns, understandings, and rules that have been part of the relationship. As
the relational culture weakens, dissatisfaction mounts.
d. Conflict, which is normal in all enduring relationships, may escalate when a
relationship is deteriorating. Partners may feel less motivated to manage
conflict constructively, so it can become increasingly hurtful and
III. Digital Media and Personal Relationships
A. A major impact of social media is the expansion of possible friends and romantic
partners, although people tend to misrepresent themselves when posting online
profiles.
B. Today, 38% of Americans who are single and looking for a partner have used an
online dating site.
C. Social media creates the potential for cyberstalking.
IV. Guidelines for Maintaining Healthy Personal Relationships
A. Dealing with distance is difficult.
1. The greatest problems reported by partners in long-distance relationships are lack
of daily small talk and unrealistic expectations for time together.
B. Creating equitable romantic relationships is difficult and important.
1. Equity between partners affects the satisfaction of the relationship.
a. Even when both partners in heterosexual relationships work outside the home,
2. Equity involves dimensions.
3. Psychological responsibility, which involves remembering, planning, and
organizing family responsibilities, is usually assumed primarily by women.
C. Resisting violence and abuse between intimates.
2. Intimate partner violence is experienced and perpetrated by members of all races
and economic classes.
4. In addition to physical abuse, verbal and emotional brutality poison many
relationships.
5. A rising form of intimate partner violence is stalking, which is repeated, intrusive
7. Intimate partner violence tends to follow a predictable cycle.
a. Tension
8. Communication is related to intimate partner violence in two ways.
a. Patterns of communication between couples and the intrapersonal
9. Violence is highly unlikely to stop on its own.
D. Negotiating safer sex is a critical challenge for sexual relationships in today’s world.
2. Research has identified three reasons people don’t practice safer sex.
a. People find it more embarrassing to talk about sex than to engage in it.
b. People hold dangerous and erroneous misperceptions about sex.
c. People’s rational thought and control are debilitated by alcohol and other
drugs.
You can also search for these terms directly in MindTap to find them in the Reader. Students can
use flashcards in MindTap to study key concepts.
KEY TERMS PAGE IN TEXT
Commitment 132
Investments 133
Neutralization 135
Passion 132
Personal relationships 132
Psychological responsibility 142
Reframing 135
ACTIVITIES
1. Cyber-Romance Activity (Individual/Group)
This activity illustrates the changing faces of interpersonal relationships due to digital
technology. We have all heard of relationships being formed by people meeting online, and
perhaps some of us have met people this way. We have also heard of the dangers of meeting
people this way.
“male” or “female.” Each student will draw one profile from their gender basket and read it to
the class. With the reading of each profile, ask the following questions based on the concepts
from Chapter 7:
1. Are some relational dialectics obvious with some of these profiles?
2. Do your profiles ask for someone who is independent, yet seeks closeness in a
relationship?
3. Are your profiles directed at being comfortable with someone and yet ask for spontaneity
in a relationship?
4. If your profile says, “looking for friendship first, possibly long-term commitment,” does
this suggest that the person is looking for common interests?
5. Do any of the profiles indicate a desire to pursue a more romantic relationship by using
more intimate and invitational communication?
6. Do any of the profiles suggest unrealistic expectations in regard to physical and social
attributes?
2. Moving through Friendship
This activity lets students see how communication varies in each stage of friendship.
Assign students to groups so that there is one group for each stage of friendship discussed in
Chapter 7 of the textbook. Tell the groups they will have 15 minutes to construct a two-minute
3. Friendship Manual
This exercise heightens students’ awareness of the rules they follow in their friendships. It also
highlights research on friendship rules in the United States.
Organize students into groups of five to eight members. Instruct the groups to take 20 minutes to
develop a rulebook for friendships among college students in the United States. Explain that they
After 20 minutes, ask a representative from each group to read the rules it generated. List these
on the chalkboard, noting which rules recur among groups. To culminate the exercise, focus
discussion on the concept of rules as unexplicated and often unconscious expectations and
patterns that influence how we relate to friends (and others).
4. Personal Qualifications
This exercise increases students’ awareness of the bases of romantic attraction and gender
differences in preferences for romantic partners.
Organize students into five- to seven-person groups. Instruct the groups to take 20 minutes to
analyze personal profiles on an online dating site for romantic partners by focusing on
5. Getting to Know You
This exercise heightens students’ awareness of the kinds of communication typical of different
stages in the evolution of romantic intimacy. It parallels the other exercise for Chapter 7 on
stages in friendship.
6. The Music of Love
This activity allows students to realize how popular culture reflects stages in the evolution of
romance.
On the chalkboard, write the name of each stage in romance discussed in Chapter 7 of the
7. Friendship Stories
This activity is designed to have students look at how friendships develop or how romantic
relationships develop.
In order to do this activity, you will need a member of the class, or a person outside of the class,
to share how a friendship or a romantic relationship developed. Prior to class, record the story of
how a deep friendship or a romantic relationship in this person’s life developed. If you have
time, you may want to record two people—one telling a friendship story and the other telling a
JOURNAL IDEAS
• Describe a friendship you have with a member of your gender. Analyze the extent to which it
conforms to the gender patterns described in the text.
• Describe a friendship you have with a member of another gender. Analyze the extent to
which it conforms to the gender patterns described in the text.
• Review the research on rules of friendship covered in Chapter 7 of your textbook. Analyze
how these rules affect or don’t pertain to your friendships. Are there other rules specific to
your friendships?
TECHNOLOGY RESOURCES
There are additional student resources in MindTap. If you have a networked computer in your
classroom and a projection system for viewing the computer screen, you can easily introduce
your students by walking them through the process for accessing the website. If you don’t have
Web Links
Website Description
URL
This site offers answers to frequently asked questions
about long-distance relationships.
http://www.longdistancerelationships.net/faqs.htm
This is another site discussing long-distance
relationships: “Long Distance Relationships and
Separated Tours: When Couples Live Apart.”
http://www.state.gov/m/dghr/flo/c23170.htm
Check out this website for a more in-depth discussion of
dialectical tensions.
http://zimmer.csufresno.edu/~johnca/spch100/10-10–
baxter.htm
This page contains an article by David LeClaire called
“Breaking Up Is Hard to Do” that provides information
on how to end a personal relationship.
http://www.sideroad.com/bridges/column43.html
The Dallas–Fort Worth Wedding Exchange home page
contains an incredible number of resources on
everything from hiring a minister to the Medieval Rules
of Love and Marriage. Assign students to groups to read
various articles from the Medieval Rules page and report
on their findings.
http://www.dfwx.com/home.htm
http://www.dfwx.com/medieval_cult.html
Students interested in The Society for Creative
Anachronism, Inc. (SCA) will find this page especially
interesting. Invite student groups to draft their own
Contemporary Rules of Love.
http://sca.org/
The Domestic Violence Resource Center of Melbourne,
Australia, also offers an abuse survival site targeted to
young women. This site includes a relationship warning
signs quiz to alert young women when they are in a
potentially abusive relationship.
http://www.dvrcv.org.au/
Films
Many films depict men’s friendships and women’s friendships and highlight gender-influenced
differences in how friendships develop and what they mean. You might select excerpts from
several films or set aside enough class time for students to watch two complete films (one of
male friends, one of female friends).
Films depicting male friendships include: Good Will Hunting, The Outsiders, City Slickers,
Stand by Me, Dead Poets Society, Diner, Fandango, Beautiful Girls, Easy Rider, and I Love You
Man.
When Harry Met Sally depicts a relationship between a man and a woman and poses the question
“Can women and men every really be just friends?” In addition to highlighting gender
TEST ITEMS
Multiple Choice Items
1. Chris says he loves Betsy but he’s not sure they have a future together. Chris’s feelings
toward Betsy indicate
a. he loves her but isn’t committed.
b. he loves her and is committed but unsure of himself.
c. he loves her but is opposed to marriage.
d. he is just out for a good time.
e. he is interested in other women he might date.
2. Dana and Mally, romantic partners, really enjoy spending time together and miss each other
when they are not together. However, Dana really likes spending time alone doing her art,
and Mally misses reading her novels now that she and Dana are a couple and she has less
time to herself. They enjoy their couple time, but they also like being alone. Dana and Mally
are struggling with which relational dialectic?
a. closedness/openness
b. novelty/predictability
c. commitment/love
d. spontaneity/routine
e. autonomy/connection
3. Mally and Dana decide to read and do art while they are together. This satisfies their desires
to some extent, but Mally is left feeling like they did not quite get to spend time together and
Dana had a hard time concentrating on her work. Their response is best described as
a. separation.
b. neutralization.
c. voice.
d. neglect.
e. reframing.
4. Research indicates that, in general, the least effective and least satisfying response to the
tension generated by relational dialectics is
a. reframing.
b. segmentation.
c. neutralization.
d. repression.
e. separation.
5. Trisha and her roommate Leena have a regular schedule of television shows that they watch.
Even though they enjoy their programs, sometimes they feel like they are missing out on
more exciting events on their college campus. Trisha and Leena are experiencing the ____
dialectic.
a. autonomy/connection
b. closeness/openness
c. dominance/subordination
d. novelty/predictability
e. trust/intimacy
6. Which of these is a common reason communication researchers have found that people give
for not practicing safer sex?
a. They do not have access to safer sex information.
b. They do not have access to condoms and other protection.
c. They do not care if they contract an STI/STD.
d. New treatments reduce the threat of HIV/AIDS.
e. Alcohol impairs their thinking.
7. What are the four stages in the cycle of intimate partner violence, in order?
a. tension, anger, more tension, explosion
b. tension, explosion, remorse, honeymoon
c. tension, explosion, discussion, resolution
d. explosion, tension, remorse, honeymoon
e. explosion, remorse, resolution, honeymoon
8. All relationships have rules that guide how partners communicate. Rules are important for
which of the following reasons?
a. They guide how partners interpret each other’s communication.
b. They define what is expected.
c. They control what places to go.
d. They define who we are as people.
e. They both guide how partners interpret each other’s communication as well as define
what is expected.
9. Sally and Jack have been seeing one another regularly since their Introduction to
Communication class ended. They have a great number of common interests and activities.
Lately though, Sally has mentioned to Jack her need to maintain her other male and female
friendship activities. Though Sally and Jack’s relationship remains strong, Sally’s comments
could be interpreted as which of the following stages of romantic relationships?
a. escalation
b. exploration
c. intensification
d. deterioration
e. navigation
10. Which method of dealing with relational dialectics is the most complex?
a. neutralization
b. separation
c. segmentation
d. reframing
e. None of these answers are correct.
11. The three broad stages of romantic relationships include
a. escalation, evolution, deterioration.
b. evolution, dyadic, and navigation.
c. dyadic, navigation, and deterioration.
d. escalation, navigation, and deterioration.
e. evolution, navigation, and dyadic deterioration.
12. Which of the following is a way to manage dialectical tensions in a relationship?
a. neutralization
b. separation
c. segmentation
d. reframing
e. All of these answers are correct.
13. Why are 92% of millennial men with children still doing less than half of parenting?
a. They do not see women as equals.
b. They think men should be breadwinners and women should be caregivers.
c. Institutional rules and structures do not accommodate today’s families.
d. Their wives prefer to do more than half of the parenting.
e. Informal networks devalue women who prioritize family.
14. The three greatest influences on initial attraction in romantic relationships are
a. confidence, self-concept, and proximity.
b. self-confidence, candor, and physical attractiveness.
c. physical attractiveness, self-confidence, and proximity.
d. outspokenness, physical attractiveness, and self-concept.
e. self-concept, proximity, and similarity.
15. Which style of loving is often marked by emotional extremes and insecurity?
a. eros
b. storge
c. ludas
d. mania
e. pragma