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Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
Lecture Notes
Chapter 5: Changing Relationships: Stages, Turning Points, and Dialectics
Chapter Outline
I. Communication Skills
• Skill in Relationship Initiation
o People skilled in relationship initiation know how to approach others and make good
first impressions.
o They feel comfortable introducing themselves and striking up conversations with new
acquaintances.
o They are also effective in issuing invitations and making suggestions for things to do
with new friends.
• Skill in Self-Disclosure
o People skilled at self-disclosure gradually increase the depth of their disclosure so it
becomes more personal.
o They know how to self-disclose in appropriate ways that allow them to get to know
others without scaring them off.
o People who possess self-disclosure skills tend to be well liked. They also perceive
themselves to have more friends with whom to hang out and socialize, suggesting that
they build stronger social networks.
• Skill in the Provision of Emotional Support
o Being able to provide others with emotional support is another key skill related to
formation, as well as continuation, of close relationships.
o Effective emotional support also entails being warm and responsive to others rather
than trying to tell people what to do.
o Responsiveness is a major determinant of whether or not people form relationships.
It is a communication style that shows care, concern, and liking, a warm, other-
centered style that people are attracted to.
• Skill in Negative Assertion
o As relationships develop, people begin to reveal negative aspects of their personalities
more often.
o Negative assertions include being able to say no to a friend’s request, stand up for
one’s rights within a relationship, and tell a partner when one’s feelings are hurt.
o If negative assertions are stated in a constructive rather than a critical manner, they
can help people avoid relationship problems.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
• Skill in Conflict Management
o During the initial stages of relationship development, people are usually on their best
behavior and refrain from engaging in conflict.
o However, as relationships get closer, people feel freer to disclose negative
information and assert differing opinions, which makes conflict more likely.
o People who are skilled in conflict management are better able to listen to their
partner, understand their partner’s perspective, and refrain from communicating
hostile feelings during conflicts.
II. Relationship Stages
A. The “Coming Together” Stages
1. Initiating
a. This stage involves exchanging superficial information that is usually
positive and allows strangers and new acquaintances to get to know each
other a bit without making themselves vulnerable, hence making a good
impression by following rules of social politeness.
b. A greeting or question followed by a reply is typical of this stage, which
often evolves into a back-and-forth exchange of superficial information
that helps people reduce uncertainty about each other.
2. Experimenting
a. Also an easy way to check someone’s relationship status, people are
particularly likely to scroll through someone’s pictures on social media
sites as a way to learn more about that person.
b. Small talk involves talking about a lot of different topics, without getting
into much depth on any one. Topics are explored by increasing breadth
first, only increasing depth if people feel comfortable with each other.
c. Sometimes differences between people are intriguing, leading people to
seek out more information. Both similarities and differences can prompt
people to get to know one another better.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
3. Intensifying
a. People move from wanting to get to know the person better to wanting
the relationship with that person to be closer.
b. There is a sense that something good could develop so people invest
more time and energy into getting to know each other deeper.
c. People use mediated communication: As potential romantic partners
move into the intensifying stage, they are more likely to “favorite” or
comment on their partner’s pictures or timeline posts.
d. Investing time into developing a relationship and defining the
relationship are key ways people move from the experimenting to
intensifying stage.
i. Increased contact is spending more time talking and spending time
together.
e. Commonsense relationship notions:
i. First, if someone wants to develop a deep and meaningful
relationship with you, that person will want to spend time talking and
interacting with you.
4. Integrating
a. Key here is that two people, whether romantic couples or friends, have
developed a relational identity. They see themselves as part of a dyad
with some aspects of their personalities and experiences overlapping.
b. Most couples discuss the state of their relationship before declaring it on
social media, thus it signifies a conscious process of escalating the
relationship to something serious.
c. Integrating into partner’s social media:
i. Including “friending” the partner’s friends and family on Facebook
and following them on Instagram or Twitter.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
d. Final stage of relationship development is stable exchange stage in which
people disclose openly about almost everything, however very difficult to
achieve, since even in our closest relationships we tend to keep some
secrets from our partner.
e. Complete self-disclosure not best:
i. Many people have strong needs for privacy and autonomy, and too
much self-disclosure may rob us of our sense of privacy and make us
feel overly dependent on others.
5. Bonding
a. Perhaps the most obvious way of institutionalizing a romantic
relationship is through marriage. Getting married shows commitment and
also makes it harder to leave the relationship.
b. Before same-sex marriage was allowed in all states, many same-sex
couples still had public commitment ceremonies uniting them as life
partners in front of friends and family.
c. Friends and family members:
i. If you get married, people you choose as your bridesmaids or
groomsmen will be an important part of this critical life event, and
they will hold that place in your memory forever.
ii. If you have a child and choose godparents, these individuals will be
part of a very important social ritual that publicly lets others know
you value and trust them.
B. The “Coming-Apart” Stages
1. Differentiating
a. Partners may start doing things separately, and they may also argue about
their differences and start noticing more incompatibilities.
i. During the differentiating stage, people also report feeling lonely,
confused, and inadequate.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
b. Sometimes people simply need to assert their individuality and
autonomy. People in this stage sometimes reported compromising to try
to balance their needs for autonomy and closeness.
c. Extended differentiation, however, can lead couples to feel disconnected,
especially when differences are perceived to outweigh similarities.
2. Circumscribing
a. Superficial communication that takes place during this stage may be
similar to small talk, except that communicators talk or avoid talk to
distance themselves from each other instead of learning more.
b. Communication can be constricted at any stage of a relationship and does
not necessarily mean that a relationship is in trouble. Once we get close
to someone, there is no need to continually disclose.
i. The close people in our lives already know a lot about us.
ii. We also get caught up in the routine of our lives.
c. There are times in all close relationships, not just marriages, when you
are both busy with your lives and it is functional to check in with each
other rather than have a lot of deep conversations.
3. Stagnating
a. Relationship seems to be standstill: Communication becomes tense and
awkward, and the relationship itself virtually a taboo subject.
b. Communication seen unproductive and unpleasant:
i. Communication on social media can also reflect that a relationship is
stagnating.
ii. Because the couple is not communicating as much with each other,
they may be reaching out to others more often.
c. Distinct and contradictory emotions:
i. The stagnating stage is also characterized by a group of distinct and
somewhat contradictory emotions, such as feeling unwanted,
sentimental, and bored.
d. Some couples stay in stagnation: They might still be holding onto the
positive aspects of the relationship and hoping things will change.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
4. Avoiding
a. Communication becomes less frequent: Statements such as “I don’t
know” and “I don’t care” characterize this stage. People also report
feeling annoyed, nervous, and helpless in this stage.
b. If physical separation is not possible, for example, spouses who have
young children and cannot afford to live apart might move into separate
bedrooms until a more permanent solution can be reached.
5. Terminating
a. Relational partners end contact: Romantic partners may decide whether
or not they can still be friends and spouses may discuss what their
relationship will be in terms of raising their children after they divorce.
b. This can go both ways:
i. Sometimes people also use the mute function on Twitter so that they
do not have to see an ex’s (or an ex’s social network’s) tweets even
though they are still shown as following them.
ii. People can take more extreme action by blocking an ex from their
social media accounts.
c. Pruning or blocking one’s ex:
i. Although partners may quickly be able to separate from each other
physically, it might take longer to separate psychologically and gain
the closure needed to move on.
C. The Ordering and Timing of Stages
1. Stages may not follow order:
a. Knapp has argued that his 10 stages outline the typical pattern of
relational development and decline for many couples but that variations
frequently take place.
2. Pattern of rapid escalation is atypical: When people skip stages or move too
quickly through them, they might later go back and engage in communication
appropriate for earlier stages.
3. Ghosting without explanation:
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
a. Ghosting can occur at any time, but a common pattern is that somewhere
during the intensifying stage, one person suddenly breaks things off by
moving straight into the avoiding or terminating stage.
4. Other studies have shown that on-again off-again relationships, which involve
repeatedly getting together and breaking up, are fairly common.
III. Turning Points
• A turning point is “any event or occurrence that is associated with change in a
relationship”.
• Rather than focusing on the more mundane events that occur on a day-to-day basis,
this approach emphasizes those events that stand out in people’s minds as having the
strongest impact on their relationships.
• Various types of turning points are related to closeness and commitment in romantic
relationships, family relationships, and friendships.
A. Communication-Based Turning Points
1. Romantic relationships: Events such as the first time you talked to someone,
asked someone out on a date, engaged in a deep conversation, and had the
talk to “define the relationship,” can all be important parts of the relationship
story.
B. Activities and Special Occasions
1. For romantic partners, occasions such as meeting the family and going on
trips together are common turning points. For family members, turning points
can include vacations, holiday rituals, and special occasions such as
graduations.
2. Blended families and bonding
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
b. Holidays, special events, and going on vacation together often made
people feel like the blended family was “more of a family.”
C. Events Related to Passion and Romance
1. Passionate events include the first kiss, the first time a couple exchanges the
words “I love you,” the first sexual encounter, and other passionate
phenomena such as falling in love at first sight.
2. The order that these types of passionate events occur can affect relationship
development.
D. Events Related to Commitment and Exclusivity
1. Exclusivity occurs when people decide to date only each other and drop
rivals.
2. External competitions reinforce or threaten:
a. Somewhat related to exclusivity (or the lack thereof) is the turning point
of external competition, which occurs when a person feels threatened by
a third party or an activity that is taking up a lot of the partner’s time.
3. Finally, romantic couples can show serious commitment by events such as
moving in together or getting married.
E. Changes in Families and Social Networks
1. A new baby changes the dynamics of the family network in a myriad of ways.
F. Proximity and Distance
1. Reunions occur when the period of physical separation is over and the couple
is together again.
2. Adult children also report that physical distance is an important turning point
in their relationship with their parents. Children moving out of the house feel
their relationship with parents improves because they are now perceived as
adults.
3. Friendship and living together:
a. Friends recall that becoming roommates was a significant turning point in
their relationship, leading to either increased or decreased closeness.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
G. Crisis and Conflict
1. Challenges people face in relationships include, a couple’s first big fight,
attempts to de-escalate or withdraw from the relationship, and actual
relational breakups.
2. Times of crisis, such as illnesses, death, accidents, and major financial
problems can be transition points in family, friend, and romantic
relationships.
3. Positive and negative courses of relationship:
a. A couple dealing with infertility might blame each other and grow apart,
or they might support one another in ways that strengthen their bond.
H. Perceptual Changes
1. No specific cause of turning point: Sometimes people simply say their
attitudes toward the partner changed, even though they cannot pinpoint
exactly why.
2. Can be negative or positive:
a. When you ask your friend why she broke up with her significant other,
she might say, “I lost feelings” without being able to explain why, a
negative perceptual change.
3. People like to understand what went wrong and why, but with negative
perceptual changes the causes of such shift are not readily identifiable.
IV. Relational Dialectics
• Baxter explains that “a discourse is a system of meaning,” using an apple as an
example. There are a lot of different meanings attached to apples, which are also in
opposition to the extent that a single apple cannot be all of these things.
• Discourses can be quite complex:
o The idea of living together has many meanings, ranging from being a way to show
relational intimacy, a stepping stone to marriage, a substitute for marriage, and
even a sin.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
• According to relational dialectics theory, central and more marginalized discourses
compete against each other in a centripetal-centrifugal struggle.
o Centripetal discourses are those that are more commonly accepted, whereas
centrifugal discourses are those that are less commonly accepted.
• This thinking leads to a core idea that “meaning making is a process that emerges from
the struggle of different, often competing, discourses.”
• Discursive struggles can provide opportunities for growth and change, and they can
keep relationships fresh and exciting.
o They can also produce creativity, spontaneity, continuity, and deeper levels of
connection.
o Dealing with discursive struggles takes work, but if partners put in the effort, their
relationship is likely to change and grow in positive ways.
A. Dialectical Oppositions
1. Types of tensions, or dialectical oppositions, that occur in relationships stem
from seemingly opposing or contradictory meanings, such as those inherent in
the discourses about living together before marriage.
2. Discourses of similarity and dissimilarity, old and new family structures in
stepfamilies, fortune and misfortune, public versus private communication,
and acceptance versus judgment.
3. Many oppositional dialectics exist in various relationships, of which Baxter
identified those of integration, certainty, and expression as “the big three.”
a. Dialectical oppositions can be situated in discourses about how people
relate to one another, called internal tensions.
4. The Dialectic of Integration
a. There are discourses valuing connection with relational partners and
social groups, but also discourses about being self-sufficient and doing
things on one’s own.
b. Plays out internally and externally:
i. Internal dialectic of integration is connection-autonomy, grounded
in discourses about what it means to be close to someone and what it
means to be independent.
ii. External manifestation of the integration dialectic is inclusion-
seclusion, some discourses stressing importance of spending time
with other people, whereas others touting “couple time.”
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
c. Many people have experienced a situation where friends or family are
upset because they are spending most of their time with a new significant
other.
5. The Dialectic of Certainty
a. This dialectic has been labeled predictability-novelty and reflects the
tension of the forces of certainty, stability, and routine with the forces of
surprise, change, and newness, all playing out internally.
b. Predictability being comfortable:
i. On the one hand, there are discourses about predictability being
comfortable and fostering security in relationships.
ii. But on the other hand, there are discourses about wanting excitement
and spontaneity in relationships.
c. Uncertainty plays out externally: When the dialectic of uncertainty plays
out externally, the tension is called conventionality-uniqueness.
6. The Dialectic of Expression
a. Discourses around ideology of openness: This dialectic reflects “the
interplay of discourses of openness, disclosure, and candor with the
competing discourses of discretion, privacy, and secrecy.”
B. Managing Contradictions
1. Opportunity for growth and change:
a. A central idea in Relational Dialectics Theory 2.0 is that dialectical
oppositions are a natural part of the communication process.
b. Becoming aware of some of these tensions in your relationship is not a
harbinger of doom, but rather an opportunity for growth and change.
2. Instead of trying to eliminate the tension caused by competing discourses,
people in healthy relationships embrace such tension as an opportunity to
grow both as individuals and as partners.
3. Early work on relational dialectics:
a. Theory identified four general ways of dealing with dialectical tensions:
4. Selection
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
a. Selection involves managing the tension in a way that values one side of
the dialectic over the other.
b. Often the more central one and more than any others, in relational
dialectics theory terms, one discourse has become authoritative.
c. Selection would do little to help the couple grow or communicate better.
If partners select different discourses, tensions will intensify.
5. Neutralization
a. Constructing ambiguous or equivocal meanings: Neutralization is usually
not a particularly helpful way to manage dialectical tensions and occurs
when couples avoid fully embracing any of the opposing discourses.
6. Separation
a. Couples can cycle by alternating between discourses, which usually
occurs naturally--when we hit the “edge” of one side of a dialectic we go
back toward the oppositional side.
7. Discursive Mixtures
a. Combine discourses to create meaning:
i. When this happens, a discursive mixture emerges that changes the
meanings of discourses within a relationship.
b. In relational dialectics 2.0, the first type of discursive mixtures discussed
is called a hybrid.
i. Oil and vinegar are very different, but if you put them together they
create something new--salad dressing, and even if still separate, they
are working together as much as pulling apart.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
ii. Eventually a dating couple might compromise in how they negotiate
their cell phone communication in relation to discourses about
autonomy and connection.
c. An aesthetic moment is transformative because it profoundly changes the
meanings associated with discourses.
i. Chemical reaction between a molecule of oxygen and two molecules
of hydrogen creates H2O, oxygen and hydrogen being now a
completely new substance--water.
d. Moments during transitions and rituals: A common aesthetic moment in
marriage renewal ceremonies is when couples celebrate the consistency
and change that has occurred in their relationship over the years.
i. They celebrate that some things, such as their love and commitment
for each other, have not wavered since they first exchanged marriage
vows.
ii. But they also celebrate that they have changed and evolved into a
different couple now than they were at the beginning of their
marriage.
