Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
Lecture Notes
Chapter 11: Coping With Conflict: When Relational Partners Disagree
Chapter Outline
I. Conflict in Relationships
A. Defining Conflict
1. When people think about “conflict” in their relationships, they usually
imagine angry voices, name-calling, and relationship problems. Conflict is
more synonymous with the term disagreement than with yelling or arguing.
2. Hocker and Wilmot defined conflict as “an expressed struggle between at
least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scare
resources, and interference from others in achieving their goals.”
3. When people are interdependent, a lack of compatibility can interfere with
each person’s ability to reach personal goals and some forms of
incompatibility are more important than others.
4. Various issues linked to conflict in different relationships emphasize
incompatibility as the central theme and the issues couples fight about also
revolve around resources and compatibility.
5. Serial arguing occurs when people have conflict about the same issue over
time and because the issue is important, the conflict does not go away.
a. Serial arguing is likely to occur when two people have incompatible
goals about something that is important to them and their differences on
the issue cannot easily be resolved.
B. Frequency of Conflict in Various Relationships
1. Most likely in close relationships:
a. Most romantic couples have between one and three disagreements per
week, with one or two disagreements per month being particularly
unpleasant.
b. Unhappy couples often experience much more conflict; one study found
that distressed couples reported having 5.4 conflicts over a 5-day period.
2. Commitment and interdependence:
a. Although too much conflict may reflect relational problems, some level
of conflict is normal and healthy in close relationships.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
3. Across the life span, conflict is more likely to occur within family and
romantic relationships than friendships or work relationships. In parent–child
relationships, most conflict occurs when children are toddlers or teenagers.
4. Like conflict between parents and children, conflict between siblings is often
intense during early childhood and adolescence.
a. Same-sex siblings of about the same age are particularly likely to engage
in frequent, competitive fighting.
5. Siblings share a unique bond:
a. They usually know each other most of their lives; the sibling relationship
predates romantic relationships and typically outlives parent–child
relationships.
b. Many siblings not only survive stormy periods of conflict but also
develop a close and special bond as adults.
C. Effects of Conflict on Relationships
1. Being able to resolve conflict: The way people manage conflict is more
important than how much people disagree and also predictive of relational
satisfaction, so that both parties are satisfied with the outcome.
2. Frequent arguing is associated with more use of aggressive communication,
which is tied to low levels of relationship satisfaction.
3. Children who witness their parents engaging in frequent, aggressive conflict
are more likely to have trouble interacting with peers and performing at
school.
a. Research on spillover effect suggests negative effects arise because
parents who engage in dysfunctional conflict are also likely to have
dysfunctional parenting styles.
4. Happy couples are more likely to discuss issues of disagreement, whereas
unhappy couples are likely to minimize or avoid conflict.
a. By confronting disagreement, relational partners can manage their
differences in ways that enhance closeness and relational stability.
b. Couples who handle conflict in a calm, collaborative manner tend to be
satisfied with their relationships.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
II. Conflict Styles
• Cooperation and directness:
o Cooperative conflict takes both partners’ goals into account, whereas
uncooperative conflict focuses on one person trying to win the argument.
• A review of the behaviors in conflict style typologies suggests that there are six styles
• Only two of these six styles are labeled as “fighting,” because only these styles are
inherently competitive and aggressive, while the other styles represent nonaggressive
ways to express disagreement and manage conflict.
A. Competitive Fighting
1. Direct and uncooperative: Competitive fighting style has been called direct
fighting, distributive, dominating, controlling, and contentious.
2. As these labels suggest, people with a competing style try to control the
interaction so they have more power than their partner. They attempt to
achieve a win-lose situation, wherein they win and their partner loses.
3. Attempts to achieve dominance: Individuals who employ competing
strategies use several tactics: confrontational remarks, accusations, personal
criticisms, threats, name calling, blaming the partner, sarcasm, and hostile
jokes.
4. People who use competing strategies are typically ineffective in meeting their
B. Compromising
1. Direct and moderately cooperative: The compromising style involves
searching for a fair, intermediate position that satisfies some of both partners’
needs.
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SAGE Publishing, 2021
2. Part-win-part-lose situation: People who compromise talk about “splitting the
difference” and “meeting the partner halfway,” and get to keep something
while also having to give up something.
3. Although this style is not as effective or appropriate as the collaborating style,
there are situations in which compromising is best, such as happy
relationships.
C. Collaborating
1. Direct and cooperative: The collaborating style has been called integrating,
solution oriented, problem-solving, and negotiation.
2. Helps people find creative solutions: Satisfies both partners’ needs and leads
to a win-win situation, because both people have met their goals rather than
each person having to give up something in order to get something.
3. Tactics associated with the collaborating style include expressing agreement,
making descriptive or disclosive statements, being supportive, accepting
responsibility, brainstorming ideas, and soliciting partner opinions.
D. Indirect Fighting
1. Indirect fighting behaviors have also been called passive aggression and
active distancing and are related to patterns of negative withdrawal.
2. Behaviors that express aggression or disagreement in an indirect manner
include ignoring the partner, using a whiny voice, giving the partner cold or
dirty looks, angrily leaving the scene, and rolling one’s eyes among others.
3. Destructive if avoids confronting problems: People may resort to indirect
fighting when they feel that they are being dismissed or ignored by their
E. Avoiding
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1. Avoiding is an indirect style of conflict that is regarded as somewhat neutral
in terms of how cooperative versus uncooperative it is and has also been
called inaction and nonconfrontation.
2. People who use the avoiding strategy engage in tactics such as denying the
conflict, being indirect and evasive, changing or avoiding topics, acting as if
they don’t care, making irrelevant remarks, and joking to avoid dealing with
conflict.
3. Occasionally may be beneficial:
a. First, avoidance may be an effective strategy for couples who find it
difficult to engage in conflict without resorting to aggression.
b. Second, avoidance is more acceptable when accompanied by expressions
of positive affect.
c. Third, people are most likely to respond positively to avoidance when the
topic is of little importance to both people.
F. Yielding
1. Cooperative and indirect: People who use the yielding style forgo their own
goals and desires in consideration of the partner, a style that has hence been
labeled obliging and accommodating.
2. Makes effective conflict resolution difficult: Although yielding is adequate,
comfortable, and does not cause further disagreement or escalation of
conflict, it glosses over differences, plays down disagreements, and trivializes
conflict.
3. Research on the chilling effect: Cloven and Roloff found that people are
likely to avoid voicing their opinions and complaints when they feel
powerless or fear that their partner will act aggressively toward them.
4. Perceived as competent and incompetent:
a. Yielding behavior is cooperative and appropriate when one person feels
strongly about an issue and the other person does not, in which case it is
appropriate for the person who feels less strongly.
b. Yielding may also be an appropriate strategy when two people cannot
agree but a decision must be made, thus although sometimes appreciated
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
III. Patterns of Conflict Interaction
A. Negative Reciprocity
1. Aggression begets more aggression: Despite the fact that indirect and
competitive fighting usually have negative effects on relationships, people
use these strategies more frequently than cooperative strategies.
2. Principle of negative reciprocity: Once one person uses competitive or
indirect fighting, the other person is likely to follow suit.
3. In a study looking at flaming, which is defined as a “hostile expression of
emotions” online through means such as “swearing, insults, and name
calling,” Lee noted that “once started, flaming begets more flaming.”
4. Violent couples are most likely to engage in high levels of negative
reciprocity and low levels of positive reciprocity, especially in conflict
interaction.
5. Gunnysacking and kitchen sinking: Similar and both tend to be used when
people think they are losing an argument and need to save face or gain an
advantage.
a. Gunnysacking occurs when people store up old grievances and then
dump them on their partner during a conflict, rather than discussing each
6. People also bring third parties into an argument as a way to try and support
their position so that they can “win” the argument, in at least four possible
ways.
a. People mention things that other people said as a form of evidence.
b. People can bad-mouth the partner’s friends or family by making
comments.
c. Individuals compare their partner unfavorably to other people, which is
7. Button pushing and empty threats:
a. Button pushing occurs when you purposively say or do something you
know will be especially hurtful to your partner, knowing that the words
or behavior will bother the partner.
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SAGE Publishing, 2021
b. Empty threats involve suggestions to do something that the speaker
does not really intend to do, have at least two negative consequences, and
thus are more likely to backfire than to solve problems.
i. First, if someone fails to follow through, their threats may not be
taken seriously in the future.
ii. Second, if someone threatens to end a relationship without really
intending to, this can still plant a seed for the other partner to start
thinking about ending the relationship.
8. Mind reading: occurs when people assume that they know their partner’s
feelings, motives, and behaviors, with its statements often including words
such as always or never. Mind reading violates two principles of fair fighting:
a. It is often based on jumping to conclusions.
b. It is usually based on overgeneralizations.
9. Five positives for one negative:
a. Couples in satisfying relationships also display negative reciprocity,
which is a fairly common pattern in conflict interaction, but the key is the
B. Demand–Withdraw
1. Demand–withdraw interaction pattern occurs when one person wants to
engage in conflict or makes demands on a partner and the other wants to
avoid it.
2. Married couples are more likely to engage in the demand–withdrawal pattern
when one partner desires more closeness or involvement in the home and the
other partner desires more autonomy.
3. Can move in both directions: Both partners blame the other for their behavior.
a. Demand–withdrawal pattern can move in both directions—increased
demands can lead to more withdrawal, but increased withdrawal can also
4. Found in several different countries: There are differences though, in how
people from different countries engage in demanding behavior.
a. Pakistani husbands were more likely to engage in behavior that was
aggressive and demanding, while Pakistani wives were more likely to
engage in withdrawal.
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
5. Women are more likely to want to institute change in their relationships,
which however reverses if the conflict involves something the man wants to
change.
6. Husband demand and wife withdrawal:
a. Wives may be afraid to challenge or confront a violent husband.
b. Couples who spontaneously engage in reciprocal violence during conflict
7. Couples must break this cycle:
a. The person in the demanding role needs to be patient and persistent
without becoming aggressive or violent.
C. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
1. Criticisms Versus Complaints With a Soft Start-Up
a. Criticisms are personal attacks that blame someone else for a problem
and are not healthy.
b. Complaints, on the other hand, focus on a specific behavior, and are
healthy.
2. Contempt versus Building a Culture of Appreciation and Respect
a. Contempt communicates an air of superiority and is often the byproduct
of long-standing problems in a relationship.
b. Perceiving partner as the problem: This can lead to contemptuous
behaviors that go beyond blame and criticism, including nonverbal
behaviors such as sighing while someone is talking or rolling one’s eye.
c. The antidote for contempt is to try and put yourself in your partner’s
place and build a culture of appreciate and respect. Indeed, respect is the
opposite of contempt.
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SAGE Publishing, 2021
3. Defensiveness Versus Accepting Responsibility
a. Defensiveness includes denying responsibility for a problem, making
excuses, issuing countercomplaints, whining, making accusations to
deflect responsibility from oneself, and mind reading.
b. Defensiveness is a natural response to being attacked, but in most conflict
situations both partners have some responsibility for the issues that are
causing problems.
4. Stonewalling Versus Physiological Self-Soothing
a. Stonewalling usually occurs after a conflict pattern (including criticism,
contempt, and defensiveness) has become pervasive in a relationship.
b. Shut down and withdraw from interaction: Communication seems futile
and the withdrawing partner usually experiences heightened anxiety and
a rapid pulse rate such that he or she just wants to get away.
c. Emotional flooding contributes to negative patterns of communication
that involve both uncooperative behavior and avoidance.
i. Emotional flooding occurs when people become “surprised,
overwhelmed, and disorganized” by their partner’s behavior, in
response to partner being defensive, stubborn, or angry.
d. The antidote for stonewalling is physiological self-soothing, usually by
telling your partner that you are feeling too much emotion and need to
step away for a while to calm down and regain your thoughts.
i. Gottman Institute suggests that the break be at least 20 min long so
that you can calm down sufficiently and let go of any negative
feelings that could lead to defensiveness or contempt.
e. The point of physiological soothing is to calm yourself down so that you
can talk about issues without feeling flooded with negative issues.
D. Accommodation
Guerrero, Close Encounters, 6e
SAGE Publishing, 2021
1. Accommodation principle helps explain why some couples are more able to
engage in accommodation than others and rests on three ideas.
a. People tend to retaliate or withdraw when their partner engages in
negative behavior.
b. People tend to overcome initially negative tendencies and engage in
2. Accommodation is most likely to occur in relationships characterized by high
levels of commitment, satisfaction, and trust.
3. May not always positively affect:
a. If only one person is doing the accommodating (or yielding), that person
may be in a powerless position that could eventually lead to relational
dissatisfaction.
b. Couples who fail to reciprocate positive messages are more likely to
report interpersonal violence.
4. Prompts pattern of positive reciprocity:
a. Both partners must eventually engage in cooperative strategies and it is
critical for them to break escalating cycles of negativity by engaging in
and responding positively to accommodation.
5. Gottman’s recommendation that couples counterbalance every one negative
statement with five positive statements appears to be very sound advice.
IV. Attributions During Conflict
A. Attributions
1. Fisher and Adams defined an attribution as “a perceptual process of
assigning reasons or causes to another’s behavior.”
2. Specific types of attributions:
a. First, people attribute a person’s behavior to personal versus situational
causes.
b. Second, people make attributions about behavior being stable versus
unstable.
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3. People in happy relationships tend to make relationship-enhancing
attributions by attributing negative behavior such as complaints, whining,
and nagging to causes that are external, unstable, and specific.
4. People in unhappy relationships tend to make distress-maintaining
attributions by attributing negative behavior to internal, stable, and global
causes.
5. People make more positive attributions about their own behavior than their
partner’s behavior during conflict, but partners in dissatisfying relationships
are especially likely to blame their partners.
7. Habitual but inaccurate perceptions may produce a destructive cycle where
people see everything as partner’s fault and as virtually unfixable, which
makes it hard for conflict patterns to change unless attributions change.
8. Negative attributions sometimes accurate:
a. Identifying causes behind people’s actions may be essential for managing
conflict and it is critical to sort out inaccurate attributions from accurate
attributions so that true conflict causes can be identified.
B. Communication Skill Deficits
1. Argumentativeness Versus Aggressiveness
a. Argumentativeness refers to conflict styles that focus on logical
argument and reasoning and is an important social skill.
b. People who are skilled in argument do not have to resort to name calling,
accusations, or other negative tactics, and rather than attacking their
partner, they attack their partner’s position.
2. Effective Listening
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a. When people practice effective listening, they are better able to
understand their partner’s thoughts and feelings, and, ultimately, to
empathize with their concerns.
b. In fact, people with listening and decoding skills (the ability to figure out
what the partner is feeling) tend to be more satisfied in their
relationships.
d. The experts on listening and negotiation give the following advice for
improving active listening skills:
i. Let your partner speak: If you spend noticeably more time talking
than your partner, this probably means that you need to talk less and
encourage your partner to talk more.
ii. Put yourself in your partner’s place: If people want to understand
and empathize with each other, they need to create mental maps of
each other’s thoughts and feelings.
iii. Don’t jump to conclusions: Making such assumptions can lead you
to interpret your partner’s statements in a way that is consistent with
your preexisting beliefs, even if they are wrong.
iv. Ask questions: Ask questions that allow your partner to clarify and