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Chapter 10
Managing Interpersonal Relationships
CHAPTER OUTCOMES
• Discover ways to use self-disclosure to build relationships
• Explain how to manage relationship tensions
• Learn successful strategies for sustaining your relationships
• Explore how to support your relationship partners in times of need
CHAPTER OUTLINE
SELF-DISCLOSURE RELATIONSHIPS
When you share private information with others, you open up your innermost self to them.
Such sharing, known as self-disclosure, is the foundation for intimacy in a relationship. But
SELF-DISCLOSURE AND RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENT
• Self-disclosure is revealing private information about your self to others, and it is a key part
of building and sustaining relationships. When you self-disclose to someone, you reveal
aspects of your self that you had previously kept hidden.
• Psychologists Irwin Altman’s and Dalmas Taylor’s social penetration theory describes
self-disclosure as similar to peeling back layers of an onion. This theory helps explain the
depth and breadth of disclosure as a relationship develops into a closer one that fosters
intimacy. The three layers include the following:
2. Intermediate layers contain your attitudes and opinions about things such as music,
politics, food, and entertainment.
3. Central layers are deep within the “onion” and are core characteristics such as your self-
awareness, self-concept, self-esteem, personal values, fears, and distinctive personality
traits.
• Intimacy is the feeling of closeness between you and others that develops with deeper and
broader self-disclosure. It is self-perpetuating: the more intimacy you feel, the more you
disclose; and as you disclose more, feelings of intimacy deepen. The following conditions
must be met for self-disclosure:
○ Both partners must disclose private thoughts and feelings, or the relationship isn’t
intimate—it’s one-sided.
COMMUNICATING SELF-DISCLOSURE
• Studies suggest five important facts about how people self-disclose:
1. Self-disclosure seems to promote mental health and relieve stress, especially when
2. People self-disclose more during online interactions than during face-to-face exchanges
3. In close same-sex friendships, both men and women disclose deeply and broadly; in
4. People of all cultures vary widely in the degree to which they self-disclose. Some people
5. Different cultures have distinct overall patterns for self-disclosure. For example,
individuals of Asian descent tend to disclose less than people of European ancestry who
generally tend to disclose more frequently than almost any other cultural group.
SELF-DISCLOSURE SKILLS
• There are five ways to strengthen self-disclosure skills:
1. Know your thoughts and feelings. You’re ethically obligated to be certain about the
2. Know your audience. Think carefully about how others will perceive your disclosure
and how it will impact their thoughts and feelings about you. If you’re unsure about a
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3. Don’t make assumptions about gender. Just because someone is a woman doesn’t
4. Be sensitive to cultural differences. When you’re interacting with people from cultural
5. Don’t force others to self-disclose. It’s unethical and destructive to try to make others
share personal information with you if they don’t want to. When others disclose to you,
actively listen, express empathy, and treat their disclosures with the same respect that you
expect from others when you share. Show them that you’re listening by providing
positive feedback and using a people-oriented listening style and expressing empathy.
MANAGING RELATIONSHIP TENSIONS
Self-disclosure can create positive outcomes, including a sense of trust and increased intimacy.
But it also brings with it challenges—such as how to avoid feeling vulnerable and retain a
sense of your separate self as you get closer to others. Learning how to resolve such tensions is
critical for maintaining healthy, happy interpersonal relationships.
• Relational dialectics are competing impulses or tensions that often arise in your feelings
toward your relational partners. For example, sometimes you want your partner to be
predictable; but then again, you don’t want things to get boring. Such dialectics aren’t
OPENNESS VERSUS PROTECTION
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• Although people want to be open with their relationship partners, they also desire to keep
private thoughts and feelings protected. Too much openness can give people an
uncomfortable sense that they’ve lost their privacy—which can make them feel vulnerable.
• The Communication Privacy Management Theory describes how individuals create
information boundaries by choosing carefully the kind of private information they reveal
and the people with whom they share it. These boundaries are constantly shifting, depending
on the degree of risk associated with disclosing information.
○ The more comfortable people feel disclosing, the more likely they are to reveal sensitive
information.
○ Partners negotiate communication rules, which are conditions governing what they can
(and can’t) talk about, how they can discuss such topics, and who else should have access
to this information. These rules are perfectly healthy as long as both agree on them and
the issues being avoided aren’t central to the relationship’s survival.
○ Within families, different communication rules exist. Breaking a family communication
rule by forcing discussion of a “forbidden” topic can cause intense emotional discomfort
and may even prompt the family to exclude the “rule breaker” from future family
interactions.
AUTONOMY VERSUS CONNECTION
• This refers to the fact that as we form close relationships to bond with others, we feel our
own identity dissolving, and we may choose to pull back and reclaim some of our
autonomy, or independence.
• In a romantic relationship that enters the integrating stage, tension between autonomy
versus connection can feel more pronounced.
• Within families, managing autonomy versus connection is even harder and occurs as
children move through their teen years and begin to assert their independence or “pull
away” from parents.
NOVELTY VERSUS PREDICTABILITY
• Novelty versus predictability is the tension between people’s need for stability and their
need for excitement and change.
• In romantic relationships, romances are more successful when the partners act in predictable
ways that reduce uncertainty, yet this can also trigger boredom. As you get to know people
better, the excitement you felt when the relationship was new wears off, and things can start
to feel boring.
• Reconciling the desire for predictability with the need for novelty is one of the most
profound emotional challenges facing relationship partners, especially those involved in
romances.
SUSTAINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Some relationships make it, and some don’t, and there’s not much you can do about it, right?
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RELATIONAL MAINTENANCE
• Relational maintenance refers to the use of communication behaviors to keep a relationship
strong and to ensure that each party continues to draw satisfaction from the relationship.
• Communication scholar Laura Stafford suggest three strategies that help maintain
relationships:
1. Positivity is communicating in a cheerful and optimistic fashion, doing unsolicited favors,
and giving unexpected gifts; it is arguably the most powerful maintenance tactic in
sustaining healthy relationships and is routinely cited as the most important maintenance
tactic for ensuring happiness.
○ You use positivity when you try to make interactions with others enjoyable; give
others compliments; and strive to be fun, upbeat, and optimistic.
○ You undermine positivity when you constantly look for and complain about problems
in your relationships with others without offering solutions; whine or sulk when you
2. Assurances are messages that emphasize how much your relationship partners mean to
you, point out how important the relationships are to you, and show that you see a secure
future together.
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○ You use assurances when you regularly tell your partners how important they are to
you, talk about future plans, and do and say things to demonstrate the depth of your
feelings.
○ You undermine assurances when you suggest that other relationships and things in
your life are more important than your relationship partners; tell your partners not to
3. Self-Disclosure is the revealing of private information about yourself to others in
interpersonal communication; it can foster intimacy with another person.
○ When you use self-disclosure as a relational maintenance tactic, the focus is on
creating a climate of security and trust with others. Your relationship partner feels that
they can disclose their fears and other feelings to you without you judging, criticizing,
or rejecting them.
○ You use self-disclosure for relational maintenance when you tell your partners about
your own fears and vulnerabilities; share your thoughts and emotions; and encourage
them to disclose their thoughts and feelings and offer them empathy in return.
○ To foster disclosure with your lovers, friends, and family members, routinely do the
following:
▪ Make time just to talk.
▪ Encourage sharing thoughts and feelings about issues that matter to them.
▪ Respond to sharing in a respectful way by showing that you’ve heard and
understood them and by not interrupting or letting other events distract you.
▪ Avoid betraying secrets that have been confided in you, and don’t hide relevant
SUPPORTIVE COMMUNICATION
• Supportive communication is when you express emotional support and offer personal
assistance to others when they need it.
○ Skillful supportive messages convey sincere sympathy, concern, and encouragement.
• Communication scholar Amanda Holmstrom offers these suggestions for providing
competent supportive communication:
1. Make sure the person is ready to talk, and if the person appears too upset to talk, don’t
2. Find the right place and time where you can have a quiet conversation. Avoid distracting
3. Ask good questions by starting with open-ended questions and following up with more
4. Legitimize, don’t minimize or dismiss the problem or the significance of the person’s
feelings by saying things like, “It could have been worse,” or “Don’t worry; you’ll find
5. Listen actively and show interest in what the person is saying. Make eye contact, lean
toward the individual, and provide feedback like “Uh-huh” and “Yeah” when appropriate.
6. Offer advice cautiously even though you may feel compelled to jump right in and start
7. Show concern and give praise to let the person know you genuinely care and are
concerned about his or her well-being. Build the person up by praising his or her strength
in handling this challenge.
CLASS DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. Do you feel that it is necessary to self-disclose everything to a romantic partner? Are
there any circumstances in which one should refrain from self-disclosure to a
romantic partner? If so, why? Give an example.
2. Do you know someone who always comes across as negative? Do you know someone
who always comes across as positive? Compare and contrast your relationship with
the negative and the positive person. How do their attitudes affect your relationship
with each?
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3. How do you think the concept of autonomy versus connection affects the relationship
between young adults and parents? How does this concept affect a couple in a long-
term relationship?
4. Review the social penetration theory discussed in your textbook and identify five
topics that you would place in the outermost layer of your “onion.” Explain why you
selected these five topics. Can you assume that others will select the same five topics?
Why or why not?
5. What are the ways we can undermine self-disclosure in our interpersonal
relationships? What are some reasons that we might do this to someone we care
about? How could we instead use self-disclosure to build our relationships?
• Ask students to discuss why undermining self-disclosure can be so damaging to a
relationship. Do they think this is more damaging in a new or an existing relationship?
How do they think our childhood experiences or upbringing affects how we feel about
self-disclosure?
VIDEO SCENARIOS
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HOW TO COMMUNICATE: RELATIONSHIP MAINTENANCE AT WORK
This video feature shows students competent communication skills in action based on the
scenario following. The first video illustrates an ideal outcome, whereas the What if?
challenges prompt them to apply their own skills to times when their communication partner is
more difficult. To access the videos, go to macmillanhighered.com/choicesconnections2e.
Assign students to watch the videos and answer the questions before class, and then they can
discuss the ways they would respond to each variation of the scenario.
1. Use positivity in your communication to let her know that your excitement about her
good fortune outweighs your disappointment about not working with her any more.
2. Offer assurances to her, emphasizing how much you value her friendship, and making
plans for continuing the relationship into the future.
3. Disclose your feelings to her, and encourage her to do the same in return.
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You might say, “Although I’m thrilled for you, I’m sad for me. I’m really going to miss
you. How are you feeling about it all?”
Instructor Note: Online, students will be asked a multiple-choice question after the first
video. For Chapter 10, it is this:
Question: When Hannah admits she is going to miss her coworker too, which relational
maintenance tactic does Tim use in response?
D. support
[The * indicates the right answer. Depending whether the student answers the question right or
wrong, one of these two feedback options should appear:
Right answer: Congratulations, you are correct!
Wrong answer: Incorrect. Tim uses assurances to remind Hannah that their friendship will
WHAT IF?
This section challenges students to adapt their skills and communication plans when things
don’t work out as shown previously. Students will view two videos. In each video, the
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encounter becomes challenging, and students must choose how they would respond based on
the open-ended question.
1. What would you say when Hannah is noncommittal about continuing the relationship and
says, “I don’t think that’s going to be possible. I’m going to be ridiculously busy the next
2. How can you support Hannah’s anxiety?: “I’m terrified! I don’t feel prepared at all for the
new responsibilities I’m going to be facing. What have I gotten myself into?”
You might say, “Hannah, I have watched you work for the last two years, and I know that
you can handle this promotion. In two months, you will be a pro. I’m so proud of you!”
CLASSROOM ACTIVITIES
1. TMI in Pop Culture
Goal: To explore the concepts of openness in self-disclosure
Time: 25 minutes
1. Divide the class into groups of three or four.
2. Ask each group to brainstorm and select individuals in popular media who they feel
3. Have each group present their results and discuss as a class. Ask students to
speculate about the effects of being a public figure and self-disclosure. How would
their examples be received if the celebrities were just “normal” citizens?
2. If I Were in Your Shoes Skits
Goal: To allow students to practice sustaining relationship skills
Time: 60 minutes
1. Divide students into four groups.
2. Have each group choose one of the following scenarios:
a. Scenario A: Your best friend tells you that she is having an affair. You are good
friends with her husband as well.
3. Explain that each group should write and perform two small skits related to their
scenario. One skit should demonstrate how a relationship can be destroyed in the
4. Have each group perform their skits and discuss.
3. Good Friends Exercise
Goal: To help students understand the importance of self-disclosure in maintaining
friendships
Time: 25 minutes
1. Divide the class into four or five groups.
2. Have each group sit in a separate circle, and elect one student to be the note taker.
3. Explain that the goal for each group is to have each person answer the following
question: “What does it mean to be a good friend?” Once a person has answered,
4. Once complete, bring the groups back together and ask them to identify how many
4. Relating to Relationships Exercise
Goal: To allow students to explore relationship dialectics
Time: 20 minutes
1. Ask students to spend 5 minutes listing five social situations that make them
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3. Have the groups review their lists, and then select five examples for this exercise.
Ask students to use these examples as the basis for a discussion of how these social
4. Ask each group to share one example and explain how they think the three
5. A Supportive Communication Perfect Date
Goal: To help students identify what traits and situations encourage supportive
communication
Time: 45 minutes
1. Divide students into groups of three or four.
2. Ask the groups to review the guidelines for supportive communication in the textbook.
3. Bring the groups back together and have them share one of their date options and
discuss why they think it would be the most effective.
MEDIA RESOURCES
1. Brené Brown: “The Power of Vulnerability”
Brené Brown, research professor at the University of Houston, discusses her research
2. “22: Adult Children”
This episode of This American Life features four stories of the difficult relationships
3. Meet The Patels (Four in a Billion Pictures, 2014)
Professor Sandra Petronio with Indiana University discusses the Communication Privacy
4. Relational Dialectics in Interpersonal Communication: Parts 1–4
Professor John Ulrich of Sinclair Community College in Dayton, Ohio, discusses
relational dialectics in interpersonal communication in this series of 10-minute videos.
You can access Part 1 on YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3V
-OLzIBr9w. The three additional parts to this series may be found at
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZzAmAFwAcY, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=
obFRtpFdTcc and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnRJRLLotEM.
5. Frasier Demonstrating Relationship Formation/Maintenance/Dissolution with
Questions Included
This 4-minute video shows a clip from the television sitcom Frasier and presents
questions to students about the relationship development and maintenance. Pause the