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Chapter 8
Managing Conflict in Relationships
CHAPTER OUTCOMES
• Describe the factors that lead to productive conflict
• Identify conflict triggers in yourself and others
LECTURE NOTES
• Understanding Conflict examines the costs and benefits of two different approaches to
conflict management.
ƒ Conflict is a negative interaction between two or more interdependent people rooted in
some actual or perceived disagreement.
ƒ Conflict management refers to the way that we engage in conflict and address
disagreements with our relational partners.
ƒ Unproductive conflict is poorly managed conflict that has a negative impact on those
involved; it can even cause medical problems.
ƒ Productive conflict is conflict managed effectively; its results include:
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Fostering healthy debate
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Facilitating better decision making
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Threats to identity management
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Lack of fairness or someone using more than a fair share of resources
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Incompetence or someone performing poorly
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Relationship threats
• Factors Affecting Conflict explores the specific forces that can influence how the people
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Communication boundary management occurs when people are reluctant to discuss
certain topics with certain people.
ƒ Communication climate refers to the feelings surrounding relationships and may include
the following:
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Uncertain climates are those where at least one person involved is unclear or tentative
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Collectivist cultures emphasize group identity and needs.
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Low-context cultures view conflict as necessary, and people say what they mean.
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High-context cultures rely more on social norms and nonverbal communication than on
what is actually said.
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Sex and gender determine attitudes toward conflict. For example, men are less likely to
ƒ Communication Channel
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Conflict can arise from poor channel choices because people perceive things
differently, depending on the channel chosen.
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Channel choice can influence conflict management.
ƒ Online Anonymity and Conflict
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Flaming, or posting deliberately hostile messages, is a way that conflict exists online.
Generally, this is directed at an individual.
• Strategies for Managing Conflict examines the three categories for managing conflict.
ƒ Escapist strategies refer to ways people try to prevent or avoid conflict.
ƒ Challenging strategies promote the objectives of the individual who uses them rather
than the desires of the other person or the relationship. They are often referred to as
assertiveness.
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These strategies can be a benefit if a person uses them to defend himself or herself from
a perceived threat.
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These strategies can enable a person to get what he or she wants in an unvalued
relationship.
ƒ Cooperative Strategies strive to find ways to benefit all parties and may include the
following:
• Conflict Outcomes may include several different categories.
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Compromise means both sides give up something to gain something. It may involve
trading something of equal value, random selection, or voting.
ƒ Its advantage may be a quick decision.
ƒ Its disadvantage is giving up something you want, which becomes tiresome when it
becomes habitual.
ƒ Win-Win means both parties are fully satisfied by the solution.
CLASS DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. Explain how conflict can be both productive and unproductive.
• Ask students for examples of conflict, and then ask if they would deem each one as
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2. What are some communicative boundaries in your culture when it comes to conflict?
What conflicts are considered acceptable or OK in your culture? What conflicts are
considered unacceptable or taboo? Where and when are acceptable places and times to
have conflict?
• Consider leading students in a discussion of conflict over sensitive topics such as
religion. Many cultures have unwritten restrictions on having conflict over one’s
3. How does conflict work in different channels?
• Ask students if it’s acceptable to “break up” with a romantic partner or friend through a
4. How do you approach a conflict in which you have to debate someone?
• Many students have some fear of public speaking and therefore shy away from
PERSONAL WRITING ASSIGNMENTS
1. Cyberbullying
Have you or someone you know ever been the victims of cyberbullying? Why is
cyberbullying so powerful? Research the topic and write a two- to three-page paper
2. Conflict on the Big Screen
Find a scene from a movie or television show that depicts some kind of conflict. Write a
two- to three-page paper that describes the conflict and answers the following questions:
Is this productive or unproductive conflict? What leads you to this conclusion? What
strategies do the characters use for the conflict? What are the outcomes of the conflict? Be
3. Pushing Your Buttons
Interview at least three close friends or family members to find out their opinion of your
own conflict style. What do they think are your conflict “triggers”? How do their opinions
mesh with your own understanding of what you think sets you off? Are there times when
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4. Do You DO Conflict?
Think about a conflict that you avoided and that subsequently grew bigger. How could
you have addressed that conflict in a way that would have been more productive? Why
CLASSROOM ACTIVITIES
1. Technological Conflicts
Goal: To understand how technology can affect conflict
Time Required: 30 minutes during class; assignment is given at least one class period
before it’s due
Materials: Flip camera or some other digital recording device (optional)
Directions:
1. Have students interview other students who have stories about how conflict may
2. If possible, have students bring examples of their favorite videoed “story” to share
with the class. If not possible, have students share their stories verbally.
Debriefing: Tie the students’ stories back to the text. For example, how did the channel
choice affect the conflict? Was there a way to avoid the conflict and still use this channel
choice? If not, what would have been a better channel choice? Why?
2. Romeo, Romeo…
Goal: To examine the different outcomes of conflict
Time Required: 20–60 minutes (This can be presented as a homework assignment to save
time.)
Materials:
1. Synopsis of Romeo and Juliet (you can find an example here:
2. Blank paper and writing implements for students
Directions:
2. Assign each group one of the following outcomes: win–win, compromise,
3. Have each group rewrite the story of Romeo and Juliet. Point out that the original
4. Have students either read their synopsis aloud to the class or act it out, depending on
the time available.
Debriefing: Have students discuss what makes each rewrite match its assigned outcome.
In other words, what makes the outcome in the rewrite a win–win, a compromise, or a
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3. Boys Will Be Boys
Goal: To examine the roles that gender play in conflict
Time Required: 15–20 minutes
Materials: Blank paper and writing implements for students
Directions:
1. Separate the class by gender.
3. Gather the papers and read some of the statements aloud to the class.
Debriefing: Ask students if they agree with the statements that are read. Ask students why
4. Texting, Texting, 1, 2, 3
Goal: To experience how technology can influence a conflict
Time Required: 15 minutes
Materials: At least a few cell phones with unlimited text plans. Consider checking with
your students ahead of time to make sure you will have such access.
Directions:
1. Ask students who have cell phone plans that include unlimited texting to get out their
phones.
3. Assign a topic that is likely to cause conflict among students. For example, parking
and raising tuition are usually conflict-laden.
4. Ask one student in each pair to take a pro position related to the topic you have
assigned, while the other student assumes a con position. Then have the pairs begin a
Debriefing: Talk to students about how these discussions took place. What were the
benefits of each channel? What were the drawbacks? Would you use that channel again
for this kind of discussion? Would you use the other? Why or why not?
5. Changing the Game of Conflict
Goal: To understand that strategies for conflict change depending on who the conflict is with
Time Required: 30 minutes
Materials: None
Directions:
1. Ask for three pairs of volunteers from the students (six students total).
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2. Tell the students that each pair is having a conflict over money. Assign the first pair
3. Ask each pair of students to enact this conflict, one at a time, in front of the class.
Debriefing: How did the conflict change based on who was having the conflict? Did the
strategies change? Did the outcomes change? Why do you think these changes were made?
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
REVIEW QUESTIONS
1. Define conflict and how it is related to communication.
3. List some examples of events that can spark provocation.
5. What factors should be considered when deciding which channel to use to resolve a
conflict?
6. How can compromise be helpful?
7. What are the three types of communication climate?
9. Is conflict ever positive? Why or why not?
MEDIA
Gnomeo and Juliet (Touchstone Pictures, 2011)
In this animated remake of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, two groups of lawn gnomes
(the Reds and the Blues) spend days and nights plotting how to aggravate the other the
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (Warner Bros. Pictures, 2010)
In this film, significant conflict exists among the three main characters: Ron, Harry, and
Hermione. The conflict centers on Ron’s disagreements with Harry and how he is leading
Pride and Prejudice (Focus Features, 2005)
In this film adaptation of Jane Austen’s novel, Elizabeth and Darcy repeatedly engage in
conflict, primarily in the form of polite but pointed arguments. Through these conflicts,
