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CHAPTER EIGHT: STYLE AND TONE
The learning goal of this chapter is to emphasize to students that how they come across to others
will determine the effectiveness of their communication. This chapter provides a good
opportunity to refer students to Chapter 16, the writing manual. We also include a
recommended exercise here following the teaching note.
We suggest drawing on Vanrex and previously discussed cases to emphasize the power of
Teaching VANREX
Vanrex, Inc. encourages discussion of substance, perception, and style in communication about
environmental issues. In addition, the case can be used to introduce the topic of business and the
media. The substance of the case invites one to consider what constitutes “compliance” with the
desire to protect the environment? The perceptions of the company, the regulatory agencies, and
the residents living near the plant differ. In the pragmatic view of industry and many state and
Suggested Assignments. This class offers an opportunity for a workshop where students focus
on editing each others’ writing. Students can be asked to write on Vanrex, or given the
opportunity to bring in previous writing they’ve done. Break them up into groups of four or five,
and have them edit each other’s work for fifteen or twenty minutes. You might appoint one
person from each group to report the results, and list these on the board. What were the most
common criticisms or improvements? How did the writers react to their readers’ comments? This
can be followed by discussion of the feedback each has received, facilitated by overheads based
on the writing and editing by both the students and the instructor.
The following questions provide a good basis for class discussion of salient issues in the case.
1. What is the problem at the Vanrex plant? Is it just a problem of perception, of the residents’
desire for zero emissions? Or are there real problems with the control of stack emissions and
fugitive dust?
A key issue is whether the emission problem is “real” or “perceived.” There is some
evidence for both points of view. The plant has not recently been cited for non-compliance
2. What steps have been taken to reduce emissions at the plant? How might they be presented
clearly to the townspeople?
This question encourages students to identify the concrete steps that have been taken
(summarized in section III of the report). They will often note with dismay the technical
jargon. This is an opportunity to make several points about style in business communication.
3. What common features of technical language are exhibited by Rubin’s report? Cite some
specific examples.
Students ought to have no trouble citing examples of polysyllabic, Latinate nouns: “process
stack emissions,” “electrostatic precipitators,” “dual-cyclone separators,” and so on. Some of
the technical terms are rather simple and colorful, “fugitive dust,” and “water surge volume,”
for example. However, the preference for strings of nouns reintroduces mystery, even when
the words are simple: what is a “ball mill vent”?
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4. What differences do you note between Rubin’s style and tone and that of Evan Lynn, the
reporter for the Hayestown Clarion? Which style is likely to have greater impact on the
general public?
5. Has Rubin been presenting the company’s position and actions to the public effectively?
Why or why not?
Once again, students should be able to contrast the technical jargon above with the vivid
language and active verbs of the news stories: “It billows from smokestacks,” “This stuff
6. What steps might Vanrex take to improve its image and community relations in Hayestown?
What groups would be appropriate audiences for the company to address? What message
should Vanrex communicate? What media should the company use?
Students often have creative ideas for improving relations. Some possibilities:
A. Get better acquainted with town groups; seek contact, both formal (speaking engagements)
and informal. Prepare formal presentations, tailored to business and general community
audiences, explaining the programs currently underway to improve control of emissions and
fugitive dust.
Appropriate audiences include: town commission, school board, County Health Association,
B. Invite residents to an informal “town meeting” to address their concerns; invite them on a
tour of the plant. Be sure you have well-informed and skilled managers present to answer
questions.
C. Sponsor community projects. Invite Vanrex employees to be more visible in their volunteer
activities.
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D. Try to convince the news media to cover progress (tree-plantings) as well as residents’
complaints.
Handout: Exercise on Style
Revising Business Prose: Richard Lanham’s “Paramedic Method”
In his book, Revising Business Prose, Richard Lanham recommends the following steps to
revise a rambling, overloaded sentence. He calls his method “the paramedic method” because it
is a quick fix for what he calls “Official English” — inflated, bureaucratic prose. To turn such
prose into Plain English:
1. Circle the prepositions (of, in, to, for, by, about, above, around, etc.)
2. Underline passive verbs: forms of to be (am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been) and
Ex. 1 Original: It has come to my attention that this office is in need of a dynamic manager of
sales. (18 words)
Revision:
Lard Factor of original (percentage of needless words):
Revision:
Lard Factor:
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Quick Review of Active vs. Passive Verbs
Underline each finite verb, and mark it as active voice (A) or passive voice (P).
1. It has been decided that the company will update its networking software before the end of
the fiscal year.
3. The partners have decided to fund a new community service option that will be open to all
employees.
5. The senior partners are going to meet tomorrow to decide the issue.
7. The main criteria for selecting a candidate have been spelled out in the job description.
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Practicing PM: Sentences from Lanham, Revising Business Prose
1. Circle the prepositions (of, in, to, about, for, etc.)
Original:
As indicated previously, it would be speculative to attempt a prediction of the financial liability
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Style Exercise: Dangling Modifiers and Nonparallel Constructions
For a brief review of these two sources of imprecision, see Chap. 16, I.A.5 and 6.
The following examples are from former students’ work.
Dangling modifier:
Based on the documents, Mr. Lang was adamant that the club meet the promised deadlines.
Opening modifying phrases have no choice but to latch onto the first noun that follows them.
Therefore this sentence implies that Mr. Lang was “based on the documents.” Possible revision:
Nonparallel constructions: Samples and revisions
1. Lauren and Gloria made suggestions such as the timing of when to go up with the new
system, who would be directly involved, and the priorities of specific issues. (The three
2. Two concerns were the threat of losing the customer and finding a replacement for
revenues already lost. (The two elements are logically parallel but not grammatically