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Chapter 8
Principles of Interpersonal Communication
CHAPTER OUTCOMES
In this chapter, students will learn:
• The defining characteristics of interpersonal communication
• What compels them to form relationships in the first place
CHAPTER OUTLINE
WHAT IS INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION?
As the name implies, interpersonal communication is “inter-person,” or between two people. But what
makes interpersonal communication “interpersonal” goes way beyond numbers. Interpersonal
• Interpersonal communication is communication between two people in which the messages
exchanged significantly impact their thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and relationships.
It is dyadic, involving pairs of people (dyads).
o It has four defining characteristics; it is transactional, dynamic, relational, and impactful.
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INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION IS TRANSACTIONAL
• Both parties contribute to the meaning created during communication. This includes everything from
a shared glance to an intense conversation.
INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION IS DYNAMIC
• When you interact with others, your communication and everything that influences it (perceptions,
thoughts, feelings, emotions) are continually shifting (dynamic).
o No two moments within the same interaction will ever be identical.
INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION IS RELATIONAL
• It builds bonds with others by embracing the fundamental similarities that connect you with others,
trying to see things from others’ points of view, and by communicating with honesty and kindness.
o Use the I-Thou approach, or view individuals with an open mind, and give them the same
attention and respect you expect for yourself. You don’t have to agree with everything another
person says and does to use this approach effectively.
INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION IS IMPACTFUL
• It influences the thoughts, emotions, behavior, and relationships of the people taking part in it. As a
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WHY
FORM
RELATIONSHIPS?
Whether it is one of life’s big moments or an everyday encounter, interpersonal communication is how
you share experiences with others and form the bonds that anchor any relationship. Knowing how and
why you create such relationships is the first step toward understanding how you communicate within
them.
• Interpersonal relationships are the emotional, mental, and physical involvements that you forge
with others through communication.
PROXIMITY
• The mere exposure effect refers to developing a relationship simply because you have frequent face-
to-face or online contact with another person.
RESOURCES
• This refers to the valued qualities people possess, including personality traits, physical skills, social
status, and material wealth.
• Some resources, such as a sense of humor, intelligence, kindness, supportiveness, and whether the
person seems “fun,” are considered valuable by most people, regardless of gender or sexual
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SIMILARITY
• The birds-of-a-feather effect refers to seeking romantic partnerships, close family involvements,
friendships, and coworker relationships with people you see as similar to yourself.
RECIPROCAL LIKING
• This occurs when someone you’re interested in makes it clear that he or she is also interested in you
and increases the chance that you and the other person will forge a relationship.
PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS
• You’re more likely to get involved with people you find physically attractive.
TYPES
OF
RELATIONSHIPS
Of all the relationships you experience, four usually stand out as the most impactful: lovers, family
members, friends, and coworkers. But as important as these involvements are, they are also widely
different from one another. Knowing the unique characteristics of each relationship type can improve
your communication within them.
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ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS
• Interpersonal involvements rooted in perception, in which the participants perceive the bond as
Liking and Loving
• Liking is a feeling of affection (a sense of warmth and fondness) and respect (admiration for another
person regardless of how he or she treats and communicates with you).
• Loving is an intense emotional connection consisting of:
o Intimacy, which is a feeling of closeness and “union” between you and another person.
Passionate and Companionate Love
• Passionate love is the state of intense emotional and physical longing for union with another.
o It is experienced across cultures, genders, and ages.
• Companionate love is an intense form of liking defined by emotional investment and the close
intertwining of two people’s lives.
o Many long-term romantic relationships begin as passionate and then slowly evolve into
companionate love, as the “fire” of passion cools with age and familiarity.
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FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS
• A family is a network of people who share their lives over long periods of time and are bound by
Shared Identity
• Shared identity includes how a family communicates, genetic material, and common history.
Multiple Roles
• Family members are constantly juggling multiple roles with different demands, such as
Emotional Complexity
• Emotional complexity explains how members of the same family typically experience both warm and
antagonistic feelings toward one another at various times. If you believe you’re not supposed to feel
FRIENDSHIPS
• Friendships are voluntary interpersonal relationships characterized by intimacy and liking.
• Friendships have three distinguishing characteristics:
o They are based on liking, which means that you’re not as emotionally attached or emotionally
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o They are based on choice. You have more freedom in choosing your friendships than you do in
any other relationship type. It’s not always that simple in romantic, family, and workplace
involvements.
o They are based on shared interests. Similarity in interests is the primary force that draws you to
WORKPLACE RELATIONSHIPS
• Workplace relationships include affiliations you have with professional peers, supervisors,
subordinates, or mentors. These involvements vary along three dimensions:
o Status: Most workplaces are structured hierarchically in terms of status, with some people ranked
higher or lower than others in organizational position and power. A defining feature of workplace
relationships is the equality or inequality of relationship partners.
RELATIONSHIP
STAGES
Although there’s no set rule for how relationships progress, most go through certain stages, marked by
differences in communication and intimacy. Sometimes these are positive—such as when good friends
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• Communication scholar Mark Knapp identified 10 relationship stages, five of them relating to
“coming together” and five having to do with “coming apart.”
COMING TOGETHER
• Knapp’s stages illustrate one possible flow of relationship development to suggest benchmarks or
Initiating
• Initiating involves sizing up a new person to decide whether you want to get to know that person
better. You consider how attractive or interesting he or she seems by drawing on any information you
can find, such as an online profile or impressions from other people who know him or her.
Experimenting
• Experimenting begins when you start exchanging demographic information, looking for points of
Intensifying
• Intensifying occurs when you and the other person begin to share more personal information about
yourselves, such as secrets, dreams, and goals.
Integrating
• Integrating starts when your own and your partner’s personalities seem to blend and you both engage
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Bonding
• Bonding is the ultimate stage of coming together and is a public ritual, such as a wedding or
commitment ceremony, that announces to the world that you and your romantic partner have made a
COMING APART
• These stages occur in most relationships as we begin to become less intimate with a relationship
partner or our interests change. Your relationships may go through some, none, or all of these stages.
Differentiating
• Differentiating occurs as the beliefs, attitudes, and values that distinguish you from your partner
come to dominate your thoughts and communication. Most healthy relationships experience
occasional periods of differentiating. These moments can involve arguing over what the partners see
as conflicting viewpoints, tastes, or goals.
Circumscribing
• Circumscribing occurs when one or both of you respond to problematic differences by ignoring them,
spending less time talking, and actively restricting the quantity and quality of information you
exchange in the relationship.
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Stagnating
• Stagnating begins when the circumscribing becomes so severe that you and the other person have
almost no safe topics you can talk about; communication slows to a standstill, and communicating
Avoiding
• Avoiding occurs when one or both of you decide that you no longer can be around
each other, and you begin distancing yourself physically. Some people communicate avoidance
Terminating
• Terminating ends a relationship and occurs when one party wants to come together
for a final encounter to achieve a sense of closure and resolution. Former partners might discuss the
past, present, and future of the relationship. Many people find terminating a relationship painful or
awkward.
CLASS DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. Explain the differences between I-Thou and I-It connections with others. Give an example of
each.
• Ask students to discuss how the differences between these two approaches could affect different
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Discuss how these two approaches could have long-lasting positive or negative effects on
relationships, health, and happiness.
2. What is the birds-of-a-feather effect? Give an example of a current relationship that fits this
category. Do you have another relationship that doesn’t follow this effect? If so, what makes
this relationship different?
• Students may question the birds-of-a-feather effect and bring up the concept of “opposites
3. Review the five “coming apart” stages of a relationship. Do you think any of these stages are
healthy for a relationship? Why or why not?
• Help students realize that not all relationships go through these stages, but at times, they are
4. Explain the beautiful-is-good effect. Do you think the media affects this phenomenon? Why or
why not? Give an example.
• Open a discussion and explore the dangers of being unaware of the beautiful-is-good effect. Ask
5. Using the social exchange theory, describe two examples of how we might pursue a relationship.
Do you agree with the premise of the social exchange theory? Can it be abused? Why or why
not?
• Explore with students how the social exchange theory moves beyond tangible resources and is a
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CLASSROOM ACTIVITIES
1. Knapp’s Relational Development Stages Interviews
Goal: To help students understand Knapp’s stages of relationships.
Time: 60 minutes
1. Give students the following as homework:
a. Identify a person in your life who has been involved in a long-term relationship (longer than
five years) with another person (not you). I highly recommend that you choose a parent or
b. Your goal is to explain Knapp’s relational development stages to them and then ask them to
tell you about their relationship as it relates to each stage. Ask them to give examples and
describe signs that might indicate that their relationship had moved into the next stage.
2. On the day the assignment is due, arrange the class in a circle to encourage discussion. Ask
volunteers to share their interview results. Were they surprised by any of their findings? Did the
person they interviewed have difficulty identifying any or all of the stages? Did the person skip a
relationship stage? What stage are they in now?
2.
Impromptu Speed Relationship
Goal: To allow students to explore each relationship stage.
Time: 60 minutes
2. Tell the class about Melvin and Shannon, who have been set up on a blind date.
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3. The class is responsible for moving this couple from one stage to the next in brief skits.
4. Each couple is allowed 30 seconds at the beginning of the skit to give a brief “set-up” and let the
audience know what is going on in Melvin’s and Shannon’s lives at the time of the relationship
3. I-Thou and I-It Relationship Challenge
Goal: To have students explore the concept of I-Thou and I-It relationships.
Time: 30 minutes
1. Divide the class into four groups.
2. Ask two of the groups to compile a list of celebrities or public figures who they feel have I-Thou
romantic relationships. Ask the other two groups to compile a similar list of celebrities or public
4. Top-Ten Best Friend Relationship Killers and Relationship Builders
Goal: Allows students to explore the effective communication characteristics of a best friend.
Time: 30 minutes
1. Divide students into four or five groups.
2. Give the groups 15 minutes to brainstorm ideas for the following two lists:
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b. Best Friend Relationship Killers: list and rank 10 characteristics that can destroy a best friend
relationship.
4. Discuss the results with students and allow them to give personal examples that support their choices.
5.
Birds-of-a-Feather Effect—How True Is It?
Goal: Allows students to examine their own relationships and test the birds-of-a-feather effect.
Time: 15 minutes
2. Ask students to write the names of three people whom they consider to be good friends in the
“person” column. They should leave spaces below each name.
3. Have students quickly brainstorm all the similarities and differences between them and each good
friend, and write the results in the “similarities” and “differences” columns next to each name.
Tell students to avoid overthinking and write as much and as quickly as they can. Remind them to
MEDIA RESOURCES
1. The Science of Love
In this 28-minute video, world-renowned relationship scholar John Gottman discusses his research on
love. He describes new LOVE Equations and the magic trio of calm, trust, and commitment. This
video can be found on YouTube at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uazFBCDvVw.
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2.
Can Men and Women Be Just Friends?
This nine-minute video opens the discussion of whether men and women can really be “just friends.”
The video features three young male–female pairs who discuss how they feel about each other and
3. Living on One Dollar (Indieflix, 2013)
This inspiring documentary follows four friends as they attempt to live for $1.00 a day in rural
Guatemala. The video highlights important aspects of strong friendships and developing new
4.
“Family Business”
This audio episode of This American Life is the story of four families and the dynamics they
experience in running a family business. It provides a glimpse into different cultures and different
5. How Will We Love? (2004)
This documentary by Chris Brickler explores romantic love and long-term commitment. Brickler
interviews his grandparents, who celebrated their 63rd wedding anniversary, to discover insight into