Chapter 4 Lecture Notes ● 1
CHAPTER 4 LECTURE NOTES
REVISING BUSINESS MESSAGES
Chapter Synopsis
Most students need to be convinced that revision and proofreading are important. They often
consider first drafts to be final. Good writers know, however, that the final stage of the writing
process, revising and proofreading, is the most important stage. This chapter teaches valuable
techniques for turning out business messages and presentations that are concise, clear, and
vigorous.
Revision of business writing means looking for ways to improve content and sentence
structure. It may include adding, cutting, recasting, reformatting, and redesigning. In this
chapter students learn techniques for eliminating flabby expressions, limiting long lead-ins,
dropping fillers, avoiding redundancies, and condensing for microblogging.
Learning Objectives
1. Complete business messages by revising for conciseness, which includes eliminating
flabby expressions, long lead-ins, there is/are and it is/was fillers, redundancies, and
empty words, as well as condensing for microblogging.
2. Improve clarity in business messages by keeping the ideas simple, dumping trite business
phrases, dropping clichés, avoiding slang and buzzwords, rescuing buried verbs,
controlling exuberance, and choosing precise words.
Chapter 4 Lecture Notes ● 2
What’s New in This Chapter
The authors made the following changes and improvements:
• Positioned the revision process in the digital age, emphasizing that even in this hurry-up
culture taking the time to revise messages reduces confusion and increases the writer’s
credibility.
• Revised many chapter illustrations and examples to reflect social media and digital
applications to connect traditional writing techniques with today’s digital environment.
• Added coverage of writing concisely for microblogging on social media networks to guide
students in efficient and appropriate techniques.
Lecture Notes
I. Taking Time to Revise: Applying Phase 3 of the Writing Process (p. 90)
• Revising is the process of improving content and sentence structure. It may involve
adding, cutting, and recasting.
A. Eliminating Flabby Expressions
Instead of this Try this
Figure 4.1 Revising Digital and Print Documents
B. Limiting Long Lead-Ins
Instead of this Try this
This memo is to inform you that All employees meet today.
all employees meet today.
Chapter 4 Lecture Notes ● 3
C. Dropping Unnecessary There is/are and It is/was Fillers
Instead of this Try this
It was the customer who The customer identified the error.
identified the error.
D. Rejecting Redundancies
Instead of this Try this
We received advance warning. We received warning.
These files are exactly identical. These files are identical.
E. Purging Empty Words
Instead of this Try this
F. Writing Concisely for Microblogging and Posting on Social Media Networks
• Microblogging consists of short messages exchanged on social media networks such
as Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr.
II. Making Your Message Clear (p. 95)
A. Keep It Short and Simple
• Use the KISS formula to achieve clear writing.
• Use active-voice sentences that avoid indirect, pompous language.
Figure 4.2 Conciseness Aids Clarity in Understanding Drug Facts
B. Dumping Trite Business Phrases
Instead of this Try this
as per your request at your request
Chapter 4 Lecture Notes ● 4
C. Dropping Clichés
• Clichés are expressions that have become exhausted by overuse.
• Strive to expand your vocabulary so that you don’t need to rely on clichés.
Instead of this Try this
Last but not least, you should Finally, you should work diligently.
keep your nose to the grindstone.
D. Avoiding Slang and Buzzwords
• Slang is composed of informal words with arbitrary and extravagantly
changed meanings (tricked out, bling, deets (details), gnarly).
E. Rescuing Buried Verbs
• Buried verbs are ones that are needlessly converted to wordy noun expressions.
Instead of this Try this
The manager came to the realization that The manager realized that
A job seeker must make application A job seeker must apply
F. Controlling Exuberance
This awesome project is definitely workable. This project is workable.
G. Choosing Clear, Precise Words
Instead of this Try this
The man asked for a raise. Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent
III. Enhancing Readability Through Document Design (p. 98)
A. Employing White Space
• White space is the empty space on a page.
Chapter 4 Lecture Notes ● 5
• Use white space, headings, bulleted or numbered lists, short paragraphs, and
effective margins
B. Understanding Margins and Text Alignment
• Use 1 to 1.5 inch side margins for business letters and memos.
• Left aligned – every line begins at the left margin
C. Choosing Appropriate Typefaces
• Serif typefaces are frequently used for body text in business messages and
longer documents.
Figure 4.3 – Typefaces With Different Personalities for Different Purposes
D. Capitalizing on Type Fonts and Sizes
• Fonts refer to a specific typeface in a specific style.
• Boldface, italics, and underlining are effective for calling attention to important
points and terms.
E. Numbering and Bulleting Lists for Quick Comprehension
• Numbered lists: Number items in a sequence or reflect a numbering system.
• Bulleted lists: Use bullets for items that don’t show a chronology.
F. Adding Headings for Visual Impact
Advantages of headings:
• Highlight information
• Improve readability
Figure 4.4 Document Design Improves Readability
Chapter 4 Lecture Notes ● 6
IV. Proofreading to Catch Errors (p. 103)
A. What to Watch for in Proofreading
• Spelling
B. How to Proofread Routine Documents
• Use the down arrow to move your cursor down line by line.
• Read for faults and use your spell-checker.
• To be absolutely safe, read from a printed copy.
C. How to Proofread Complex Documents
• Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.
• Allow adequate time.
Figure 4.5 – Why Proofread?
Figure 4.6 — Most Common Proofreading Marks
V. Evaluating the Effectiveness of Your Message (p. 105)
• Encourage feedback from the receiver so that you can determine whether your
communication achieved its goal.
• Welcome any advice from your instructor on how to improve your writing skills.
Critical Thinking Discussion Guide
11. In this digital age of rapid communication, how can you justify the time it takes to
stop and revise a message? (Objs. 1–5)
It doesn’t matter how quickly a person responds or what medium is used for
communication. Taking the time to revise in order to deliver a careful message is
by two parents’ organizations. The letter urged Congress to vote against school voucher
Chapter 4 Lecture Notes ● 7
12. Assume you have started a new job in which you respond to customers by using
boilerplate (previously constructed) paragraphs. Some of them contain clichés such
as pursuant to your request and in accordance with your wishes. Other paragraphs
are wordy and violate the principle of using concise and clear writing that you have
learned. What should you do? (Obj. 2)
The best plan probably is to use the paragraphs until credibility with superiors has been
13. Because business writing should have high “skim value,” why not write everything in
bulleted lists? (Obj. 3)
Although listing items in bulleted or enumerated lists does improve readability, excessive
use of such lists thwarts other business writing goals. Business writing must be
14. Conciseness is valued in business. However, can messages be too short? (Obj. 1)
Of course, messages can be too short. Although conciseness is valued, messages must be
15. What advice would you give in this ethical dilemma? Brittani is serving as interim
editor of the company newsletter. She receives an article written by the company
president describing, in abstract and pompous language, the company’s goals for the
coming year. Brittani thinks the article will need considerable revising to make it
readable. Attached to the president’s article are complimentary comments by two of
the company vice presidents. What action should Brittani take?
Brittani is in a difficult, sensitive position and needs to be cautious. All of her options
Chapter 4 Lecture Notes ● 8
Activities
Note: The solution for Radical Rewrite 4.1 is located in the Solutions to Activities section of
the Instructor’s Manual.
Communication Workshop: Technology (p. 117)
Revising and Editing Documents in MS Word
Using Word’s Track Changes and Comment Features to Edit and Revise Documents
• Use Highlight, Font Color, and Strikethrough when editing team members’ documents.
Figure 4.7 Track Changes and Comment Features Aid Revision Process
Career Application: Students form two-person teams. Each partner edits the Editing
Challenge document shown on page 116. Students may download the file from the premium
student website at www.cengage.com or they may keyboard it from the textbook. They are to
do the following:
• Edit the letter and make all necessary corrections.
• Save the letter with a file name such as YourName–ED4.
Workplace in Focus
Page 98
Communicators should avoid slang expressions and buzzwords whenever the situation or
context requires professionalism. Buzzwords—technical expressions that have become
fashionable—are often devoid of meaning and are meant to impress rather than express.
Likewise slang words—informal words with arbitrary and extravagantly changed meanings—
Chapter 4 Lecture Notes ● 9
Chapter 4 Additional Writing Improvement Exercises
Flabby Expressions
Revise the following sentences to eliminate flabby phrases.
1. We are reviewing options at this point in time with a desire to increase our social
media marketing in view of the fact that traditional marketing may not reach plugged-
in audiences.
Long Lead-Ins
Revise the following to eliminate long lead-ins.
6. This is an announcement to tell you that parking permits are available in the office.
Chapter 4 Lecture Notes ● 10
There Is/Are and It Is/Was Fillers
Revise the following to avoid unnecessary there is/are and it is/was fillers.
10. There is a password-checker that can evaluate your password’s strength automatically.
Redundancies
Revise the following to avoid redundancies.
14. Because her smartphone was small in size, she misplaced it frequently.
Empty Words
Revise to eliminate empty words.
18. Are you aware of the fact that social media can drive brand awareness and
customer loyalty?
19. Except for the instance of MySpace, social networking sites are booming.
Chapter 4 Lecture Notes ● 11
Condensing for Microblogging
Read the following Twitter business messages and write a reply to each with less than 140
characters. Be selective in what you include. Your instructor may show you possible
responses.
23. @OfftheGrid842 sent the following message to Nike Support: “how long u gona be down
cant use my app snz I loggd out lastnyt. Cnt change setting because my email is being
used by anotr acc.” Prepare a response acknowledging that Nike knows that some Nike+
FuelBand App users are complaining about not being able to sync and see their data. You’re
working on the problem, and you’ve got all hands on deck to resolve this malfunction as
quickly as possible.
Trite Business Phrases
Revise the following sentences to eliminate trite business phrases.
28. Pursuant to your request, we will no longer send you e-mail offers.
Chapter 4 Lecture Notes ● 12
Clichés, Slang, Buzzwords, and Wordiness
Revise the following sentences to avoid confusing clichés, slang, buzzwords, and wordiness.
32. Because our last trade show presentation blew the budget, we must think outside of the
box to cut costs for future trade shows.
Buried Verbs
Revise the following to unbury the verbs.
36. Our management council made a recommendation to give consideration to the contract
at its next meeting.
37. The potential home buyer made a decision to have an inspector conduct an
examination of the distressed property.
Lists, Bullets, and Headings
Revise the following sentences and paragraphs using techniques presented in this chapter.
Improve parallel construction and reduce wordiness if necessary.
42. Skippy® Natural Peanut Butter Spread
Chapter 4 Lecture Notes ● 13
43. Revise the following by incorporating a numbered list.
When writing to customers granting approval for loans, you should follow four steps
44. Revise the following by incorporating a bulleted list.
The American Automobile Association makes a provision of the following tips for safe
45. Revise the following by incorporating bulleted items with category headings.
Our attorney made a recommendation that we consider several things to avoid
litigation in regard to sexual harassment. The first thing he suggested was that we
Key to Chapter 4 Additional Writing Improvement Exercises
Flabby Expressions
1. We are now reviewing options to increase our social media marketing because
traditional marketing may not reach plugged-in audiences.
Long Lead-Ins
6. Parking permits are available in the office.
Chapter 4 Lecture Notes ● 14
There Is/Are and It Is/Was Fillers
10. A password-checker can evaluate your password’s strength automatically.
11. Careless or uninformed individuals are the most vulnerable to computer hackers.
Redundancies
14. Because her smartphone was small, she misplaced it frequently.
Empty Words
18. Are you aware that social media can drive brand awareness and customer loyalty? OR:
Did you know that social media can drive brand awareness and customer loyalty?
Condensing for Microblogging
Note: Answers may vary considerably.
23. We’re aware some Nike+ FuelBand App users are having issues with syncing and
seeing data. We’ve got all hands on deck to fix this.
Chapter 4 Lecture Notes ● 15
Trite Business Phrases
28. As you request, we will no longer send you e-mail offers.
29. Thank you for considering our plea for community support.
Clichés, Slang, Buzzwords, and Wordiness
32. Because our last trade show presentation exceeded the budget, we must be more
creative in cutting costs for future trade shows.
Buried Verbs
36. Our management council recommended considering the contract at its next meeting.
37. The potential home buyer decided to have an inspector examine the distressed
property.
Lists, Bullets, and Headings
42. Skippy® Natural Peanut Butter Spread
• Is all natural
• Contains no hydrogenated oil
• Requires no stirring
43. When granting loans to customers, follow these steps:
1. Announce approval of the loan.
44. The American Automobile Association offers the following tips for safe driving:
• Start your drive well rested.
• Wear sunglasses in bright sunshine.
Chapter 4 Lecture Notes ● 16
45. Our attorney recommends the following to avoid sexual harassment litigation:
Written policy. Establish an unequivocal [or clear] written policy prohibiting sexual