Chapter 10: Friendships in Our Lives
Key Concepts
friends of the heart
friends of the road
internal tensions
relationship rules
Chapter Outline
I. Friendships are an important relationship in our lives; they are unique because there are
no rules, laws, or institutional structures that create and maintain them.
A. We expect to invest time, energy, thoughts, and feelings into our friendships.
B. We expect to develop an emotional closeness.
1. Some people, particularly feminine women and androgynous men, express
C. We expect that our friends accept both the positive and negative aspects of our
selves; we do not feel we need to hide thoughts or feelings from our friends.
D. We expect to develop a level of trust, both confidence in the fact that friends will
II. Friendships tend to follow relatively stable rules for how they develop and function.
A. The majority of friendships work through a set of stages.
1. Role Limited interactions. Friendships begin with an initial encounter,
either planned or accidental.
2. Friendly relations occur when we spend time checking out whether we
3. In the third stage, we work toward creating a longer-term friendship by
starting to disclose our feelings, attitudes, values, thoughts, and interests.
4. Nascent friendship is when we begin to think of ourselves as friends and
to work out our own rules for the relationship.
5. When we are in the stabilized friendship stage, we have determined that
understandings that regulate how people interact
6. When one or both people stop investing in the relationship, get pulled in
III. Like all relationships, there are various things that make them difficult to develop and
maintain.
A. Internal tensions are relationship stressors that grow out of the individuals
involved in the relationship.
1. Relational dialectics (autonomy/connection, openness/privacy, and
3. Sexual attraction creates tension when two friends have agreed not to add
romance to their relationship or if one person wants romance and the other
does not.
B. External tensions are relationship stressors that grow out of the situation or
context surrounding the relationship.
1. We have competing demands. Because our lives are complex and
2. Our friendships change as we make changes in our lives (e.g., starting a
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3. Geographic distance is becoming a larger constraint as we become a more
mobile society. friends of the heart, who remain close regardless of distance
and circumstances, and friends of the road, who change as we move along
the road of life.
IV. In addition to the general principles discussed in earlier chapters, there are four specific
guidelines for enhancing communication in friendships.
A. We need to engage in dual perspective so that we can see the friendship as our
friend does as well as understand the thoughts and feelings this person expresses.
Discussion Ideas
Features of friendships: Ask students to indicate the verbal and nonverbal ways they
express each of the features of friendships (willingness to invest, intimacy, acceptance, trust,
support). Possible responses could include closeness through doing, closeness through
discussion about why verbal or nonverbal ways were more difficult to generate or how men
and women are similar or different in the ways they express friendship.
Friendship differences: Ask students to think of a good friendship that they have with a
male and one that they have with a female. Discuss the different topics that are discussed in
Beginning stages of friendships: Prior to the class where you are going to discuss
friendships, ask students to go out and meet someone new on campus. They should spend at
least ten minutes talking to this person. When they come to class, ask them to write down the
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situations since it gives the other person a reason for what otherwise might be unexpected
behavior.
Ending stages of friendships: Ask students to identify a past friendship that was very
important to you at one time, but that has waned or ended entirely. Which of the following
statements accurately describes that friendship when it was ending? Student responses will
vary, point out to them how each account, or explanation, varies in terms of dimensions of
attribution (internal/external, global/specific, stable/unstable, and responsibility).
My friend was less interested in getting together or talking with me.
I was less interested in getting together or talking with my friend.
Career demands took too much of my time.
My family situation changed (I married, had or adopted a child, etc.).
Relational dialectics: Have students make a list of examples of relational dialectics they
have observed in two or three of their friendships. Then, either individually or in small
groups, ask them to generate a list of strategies for handling these dialectics. Which strategies
Long-distance friendships: Ask students to generate a list of ways they stay in touch with
ay. Possible ways might include the telephone,
e-mail, occasional visits, etc. Once you have a complete list on the board, ask those students
Meeting friends online: Ask students how many people have met people on-line, either in
chat rooms, through bulletin board discussions, over e–
that allow people to take control of a computerized persona), etc. Has a friendship formed
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Activities
Title Individual Partner/
Ethno
Group Demonstration/
Whole Class
Internet/
InfoTrac
1. Differences in Friendship X
3. Friendship Manual X
X – P
X = Marks type of activity H = Handout P = Preparation required for students/teacher
Differences in Friendship
This exercise will illustrate how our friendships with different people have an impact on our
communication behavior.
Ask students to take out a sheet of paper and think of the friendships they share will other
Then, ask students to respond to the following questions on their sheet of paper:
1. Which friend is easier to communicate to? Why?
2. Which friend is fun to talk to? Why?
Moving Through Friendship
This activity highlights how communication varies in each stage of friendship.
Assign students to groups so that there is one group for each stage in the model of friendships
discussed in the textbook. Tell the groups they will have fifteen minutes to construct a two-
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After all groups have presented their dialogues, summarize the activity by highlighting the role
of communication in developing closeness between friends. Point out to students that
Friendship Manual
This exercise he
focuses their thinking on research that has been done on friendship rules in the United States.
Organize students into groups of five to eight members. Instruct the groups to take 20 minutes to
Remind students that there are variations in friendship styles and communication and their
manuals should give clear information on how to be friends with people of different races,
classes, sexual orientations, and so forth.
The purpose of this activity is to compare and contrast web sites devoted to forming pen pal
relationships for people from various standpoints.
Friends have written letters to create and sustain their relationships for centuries. The emergence
of the internet has created new ways for people to meet and sustain their relationships. To
prepare for this activity, visit
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In class, go through each web site and ask students to make a list of similarities and differences
among the sites. Lead a discussion on how this technology allows people to negotiate long
distance friendships and compare it to how people negotiate their relationship in face-to-face
interaction as discussed in the text.
Journal Items
Describe a friendship you have with a member of your sex. Analyze the extent to which it
conforms to the gender patterns described in the text.
Describe a friendship you have with a member of the other sex. Analyze the extent to which
it conforms to the gender patterns described in the text.
Review the research on rules of friendship covered in of your textbook. Analyze how these
friendships?
Consider a friendship that you sustain over long distances. What technologies (e.g., phone,
e-mail, e-Cards, web pages, chat rooms, video phones, etc.) do you use to sustain this
relationship? Do you use different technologies for different kinds of communication
activities?
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Panel Idea
-Racial Panel suggested for Chapter 1, it would be effective at
this point in your course. Panelists who represent different races could inform the class of any
race-related rules for friendship.
Media Resources
Web Sites
Name: The Virtual Community
Developer: Howard Rheingold
The Virtual
Community which discusses how people use computers to communicate, form friendships that
Name: Celebrate Friendship
Developer: Dave White
Name: Friendship Compatibility Quiz
Developer: iVillage
Name: Office Friendships Can Boost the Bottom Line
Developer: John Burke, Bankrate.com
Name: The Friendship page
Developer: friendship.com.au
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Developer: Friendship Force organization
Name: Facebook
Developer: Facebook
URL: http://www.facebook.com/
Name: Myspace
Developer: Myspace
Name: Reunion.com
Developer: Reunion.com
Film Ideas
–
influenced differences in how friendships develop and what they mean. You might select
excerpts from several films or set aside enough class time for students to watch two complete
films (one of male friends, one of female friends). Films depicting female friendships include
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As Good As It Gets. This film tells a story of friendship and love between two unlikely people.
Ask students to consider sacrifices people make in their relationships in terms of tolerating
and/or accepting other
process.
Print Resources
The following books could be included in the popular press book analysis paper. Ask students to
relate the research findings regarding gender, sexual orientation, and friendships to the stories
told in these books.