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4 Preparing Written Messages
IN THIS CHAPTER YOU WILL FIND:
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
KEY CONCEPTS
KEY TERMS
CHAPTER OUTLINE
TEACHING SUGGESTIONS
CLASSROOM ACTIVITIES
REVIEW QUESTIONS & SUGGESTED ANSWERS
FEATURED ASSIGNMENTS
ADDITIONAL ASSIGNMENTS
CASE ASSIGNMENTS
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
1 Apply techniques for developing effective sentences and unified and coherent paragraphs.
2 Prepare visually appealing documents that grab the audience’s attention and increase
comprehension.
3 Identify factors affecting readability and revise messages to improve readability.
4 Revise and proofread a message for content, organization, style, and tone; mechanics; and
format and layout.
KEY CONCEPTS
Chapter 4 focuses on preparing a first draft and on revising and proofreading for accuracy and
desired impact. Such communication is carefully drafted and proofread for correct sentence
structure, emphasis on important ideas, coherent paragraphs, and easy readability. After a review
of writing process in Chapter 3 and 4 (and the Grammar and Usage Appendix), students will
prepare letters, memos, and a variety of electronic messages (email, instant, and text messages,
blogs, and other web communications) and business reports and presentations.
KEY TERMS
TERM
PAGE
TERM
PAGE
Active voice
53
Goodwill
67
Clichés
62
Inductive paragraph
55
Coherence
56
Jargon
63
Connotative meaning
68
Passive voice
53
Deductive paragraph
55
Redundancy
64
Denotative meaning
68
Subjunctive sentences
66
Doublespeak
67
Tone
65
Euphemism
67
Topic sentence
55
CHAPTER OUTLINE
4-1 Step 6: Prepare the First Draft 53
4-1a Craft Powerful Sentences 53
4-2 Revise to Grab your Audience’s Attention 58
4-2a Cultivate a Frame of Mind for Effective Revising and Proofreading 58
4-2b Apply Visual Enhancements to Improve Readability 59
4-3 Step 7: Revise for Style and Tone 62
4-3a Eliminate Outdated Expressions 62
4-3b Curb Cliches 62
4-3d Use Simple, Informal Words 63
4-3e Communicate Concisely 63
4-3f Project a Positive, Tactful Tone 65
4-3h Avoid Condescending or Demeaning Expressions 67
4-3i Use Connotative Tone Cautiously 68
4-3j Use Specific Language Appropriately 69
4-4 Proofread and Revise 70
TEACHING SUGGESTIONS
LEARNING OBJECTIVE 1
Apply techniques for developing effective sentences and unified and coherent paragraphs.
Prepare the First Draft
Once you have determined the purpose and type of message, consider the audience’s needs and
perspectives, chose the proper channel and media for communication, determine the type of
outline and plan the logical sequence of points. You will then be ready to begin composing the
message.
• Remind students that writing ideas down as quickly as possible is the most effective approach
to writing a draft. Revising, proof-reading, discarding, and rewriting is the natural process
for a “working draft”.
• Vocabulary Building: Encourage students to use these vocabulary-building exercises
Craft Powerful Sentences
• Rely on the use of active voice (discuss and demonstrate differences between active and
passive voice.
• Emphasize important ideas.
• Develop coherent sentences.
LEARNING OBJECTIVE 2
Prepare visually appealing documents that grab the audience’s attention and increase
comprehension.
Revising Written Messages
• Set the stage to discuss the importance of revising messages. Lecture topics should emphasize
the importance of proofreading and editing to create excellent documents.
• Ask “What do you think when a message you receive is full of errors or information that is
not clear?” Discuss with students how errors might affect a reader’s attention to a message.
• Administer a diagnostic language test if you have not done so already. Use your favorite
Cultivate a Frame of Mind for Effective Revising and Proofreading
• See things from audience’s perspective.
• Revise for improvements.
• Seek suggestions from others.
Creating Visually Appealing Documents
• Discuss the challenge of creating visually appealing documents. Show examples of
documents that have been enhanced through the use of enumerations, enumerated or bulleted
lists, headings, tables and graphs, lines and borders, and drawing tools, and clip art.
• Emphasize how graphic highlighting can make a message easier to understand. Remind
students that large blocks of unbroken text are very difficult to read and understand.
• Ask students to evaluate a document that you provide or one of their own and to generate
Improving Readability
• Discuss readability measures. The basis of most involves word length (number of syllables)
and sentence length. Discuss why or why not this is a good measure.
LEARNING OBJECTIVE 3
Identify factors affecting readability and revise messages to improve readability.
Revise for Style and Tone
Ask students to think of some things they have read that have been very difficult to get through.
Get them to talk specifically about what aspects of those works made it difficult to read. Review
issues of style and tone that affect readability and ways to revise to improve readability
LEARNING OBJECTIVE 4
Revise and proofread a message for content, organization, style, and tone; mechanics; and
format and layout.
Proofreading for Mechanical Correctness
Errors in mechanics may seem inconsequential, but simple errors show a lack of care and
professionalism.
Using Systematic Procedures for Revising and Proofreading
• Stress the importance of revising and proofreading:
✓ Discuss real-world examples of proofreading errors (a) “fully fascinated and spade
damnation puppies” and (b) the AT&T error that sent consumers to erotic phone
entertainment number rather to the company.
✓ Provide other examples of your own. Current examples can be found by keying
“costly errors” in an Internet search. A case occurred in Louisiana a few years ago in
• Continue the discussion of the importance of revising and proofreading by having students
discuss their reactions to each the following questions:
✓ As an employer, you discover spelling and grammatical errors in an application
letter. What conclusions might you draw about the applicant? Would such errors
reduce the applicant’s chances of being invited to an interview?
✓ Instead, what if you have limitations in grammar, spelling, and punctuation? Would
you be apprehensive about keying your written messages on your computer?
CLASSROOM ACTIVITIES
1. Statements that Build and Protect Goodwill: Revise sentences a through j to eliminate a tone
that will damage human relations. Identify the specific weakness in each sentence.
a. Management expresses appreciation for all the maintenance engineers.
b. Although we strenuously continue to easily outclass our competitors on an enterprisewise
level of actionability, our global customer care agents are experiencing a skill gap in
terms of their abilities and knowledge in the area of satisfying customers, particularly
when their first call response rate is measured against industry benchmarks and their
call resolution rate is compared to rates achieved by other entities in this space.
c. As expected, the spin doctors fired a quick response to the complaints of the consumer
advocacy group.
d. As anyone must surely know, an employee cannot be allowed to reconcile his/her own
accounts.
e. The production manager harped on the new quality assurance regulations for nearly an
hour.
Omit the negative connotative tone “harped on.” Substitute “discussed.”
f. An effective presenter is never surprised by the reaction of his audience.
g. Several patient satisfaction surveys have included negative comments about Jim
McLaurin, a male ER nurse.
h. Our quadriplegic first-shift supervisor moves around the plant in a motorized wheelchair.
i. Obviously we had reached a Mexican standoff with the negotiations.
j. Josh Williams was recognized for his efforts.
2. Revise for Style and Tone: Revise sentences a through j for style and tone to meet the
audience’s needs. Identify the specific weaknesses in each sentence.
a. We want all employees to be familiar with OSHA requirements that pertain to their jobs.
b. Each project manager must complete the appropriate performance evaluation forms
before being awarded his raise.
c. After the recent downsizing, most employees are beginning to feel like rats on a sinking
ship.
d. Please be advised that the city’s new smoke-free policy is effective on January 1.
e. Since I took a leadership role on this project, the team’s performance has improved.
f. The grapevine has it that the company shrink is putting together more tests for us to take
by the end of the year.
g. You failed to read the disclaimer on our website that clearly indicates that the transmitter
you ordered does not work with older generation tablet. Unfortunately, we cannot honor
your request for a refund.
h. Through strategic alliances and by internal expansion of programs, Lox Enterprises is
seeking to develop a substantial market presence as the leading provider of management
consulting services in Illinois and its neighboring states.
i. The best computers available for lease through corporate channels are horribly outdated.
j. The supervisor asked Quan to go back and make revisions to the final draft of the report
so the data will be completely accurate.
3. Doublespeak—Language to Avoid: Doublespeak, or corporate speak is language used to
deliberately mislead, hide, or evade the truth. This distortion of the truth is often found in
military, political, and corporate language. A loss of credibility and respect results when a
politician talks of “revenue enhancements” rather than “tax increases,” a police officer
refers to “nontraditional organized crime” rather than gang activity, or a military
spokesperson speaks of “collateral damage” or “friendly fire” rather than civilians killed
accidentally by the military’s own weapons.
DOUBLESPEAK
STRAIGHTFORWARD TRANSLATION
aerial ordinance
bombs and missiles
4. Sentence Structure: Analyze the structure of the following sentences: indicate the type of
sentence (i.e., simple, compound, complex, or compound-complex), mark the dependent and
independent clauses, and punctuate correctly.
SENTENCE
TYPE OF
SENTENCE
CORRECTION
a.
The Information Systems Department has
implemented new email security procedures.
Simple
Correct
b.
The consultant recommended a new marketing
strategy it works much better than the strategy
Compound
The consultant
recommended a new
This solution is also available on the solution slides.
5. Active and Passive Voice: Revise the following sentences using active and passive voice
appropriately. Justify your decisions.
SENTENCE
REVISION
JUSTIFICATION
a.
The appointment of a new
quality assurance manager
is expected early next
month.
We expect a new quality
manager to be appointed early
next month.
Emphasize the new manager, not
his appointment by moving him
to the beginning of the sentence.
b.
The recommendation to
implement a fraud
J.D. Reese recommended the
implementation of a fraud
Active voice highlights the doer
in a beneficial action.
6. Emphasis Techniques: Choose the preferred sentence from each pair and justify your
choice.
a. (1) Lindsay’s request to telecommute was denied, but she will begin a flextime schedule
in two weeks.
(2) Although her request to telecommute was denied, Lindsay will begin a flextime
schedule in two weeks.
b. (1) The Lawlor account was won.
(2) Jennifer is responsible for our winning the Lawlor account.
c. (1) Thank you for donating time to work with the United Way campaign this year.
(2) Congratulations on your outstanding work as the campaign coordinator for the 2007
United Way campaign. Our city’s goal was easily exceeded thanks to your exceptional
leadership abilities.
d. (1) We appreciate your letting us know about your concerns.
(2) We appreciate your letting us know about the broken equipment, the outdated
materials, and the poor employee morale at your branch.
e. (1) Your warranty does not cover these repair charges.
(2) Had you completed all scheduled maintenance on your Lincoln LS, your warranty
would have covered these repair charges.
7. Emphasis and Ordering Techniques: Revise the following sentences, adding emphasis to the
lists.
a. Our department needs two more engineers. The workload is such that the three engineers
currently on staff are out of town on site at least three days a week. Although their work
is satisfactory, at this pace, it could suffer soon. Morale is also starting to become a
concern. Additionally, because of the increasing workload, it has become difficult for
them to attend to routine administrative tasks in a timely fashion.
b. Employees should be allowed a choice between overtime pay or compensatory time off.
Many of our employees are parents and would appreciate having more time to spend with
their children. Others are more interested in earning extra money. Therefore, offering a
choice would improve morale and reduce employee absenteeism, leading to a more
efficient, committed workforce.
Employees should be allowed a choice between overtime pay or compensatory time off because
Solutions also available on the solution slides.
8. Coherence Techniques: Link each sentence to the preceding sentence to improve coherence
(avoid abrupt changes in thought).
a. The design team meets every Monday at 9 a.m. They go over plans and goals for the
upcoming week. Other departments have similar meetings.
b. Diversity awareness training seems important to some employees. It is very effective in
improving communication and understanding. Employees should participate in this
training.
c. Our company has initiated a new overtime policy. Employees can choose between
overtime pay and compensatory time off. This policy could improve morale and
productivity.
d. The publications department is working on new marketing materials. Our current
brochures and materials are out of date. The materials do not reflect the major corporate
changes that have occurred in the past six months.
e. New computer software is being loaded onto our local area network (LAN). Personnel
will be able to generate expense statements from their workstations. This will make the
old paper forms obsolete.
9. Improving Readability: Improve readability by dividing each of the following sentences into
shorter sentences.
a. Several members of our firm will be touring the manufacturing plant in Tokyo during the
week of May 16, 2019, and upon return to the United States will present a slide show
documenting the trip, followed by a question-and-answer session, both to be held in the
banquet hall of the Ashton Hotel in Denver on Friday, May 2, 2019..
b. The accountant will be arriving on Thursday to perform the audit, and will be using the
2nd floor break room as a work area, meaning that employees should take morning and
afternoon breaks in either the courtyard or the 3rd floor lounge, and employees who use
the 2nd floor break room for lunch should report to the cafeteria at that time.
c. People from such different backgrounds as today’s workers invariably bring different
values, attitudes, and perceptions to the workplace, which can lead to misunderstandings,
miscommunications, and missed opportunities to improve both the workers and the
organizations.
d. Business managers have studied, completed internships, and made many sacrifices to get
closer to their ultimate goals, but unless they can use electronic tools to access,
assemble, and communicate information in a timely manner, however, they may find
themselves lagging behind.
e. The new concentration of the agency reflects a ubiquitous necessity for clean energy.
f. The supervisor’s deprecatory remarks demoralized the employees.
g. After a meticulous search, the committee has concurred on an epitome location for the
convention.
h. Assembling the proposal required perusing voluminous stacks of files for the pertinent
information.
REVIEW QUESTIONS & SUGGESTED ANSWERS
1. What are the seven steps for proofreading a document systematically to locate all
errors?
2. Discuss several strategies that will enhance the quality and efficiency of writing with a
computer.
3. What value does knowing the readability level of a document serve? What two factors
should be evaluated for possible revision in an effort to reduce the readability index of a
report?
4. When is active voice preferred? When is passive voice preferred?
