978-1337116848 Chapter 4 Lecture Notes

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4 Preparing Written Messages

IN THIS CHAPTER YOU WILL FIND:

LEARNING OBJECTIVES

KEY CONCEPTS

KEY TERMS

CHAPTER OUTLINE

TEACHING SUGGESTIONS

CLASSROOM ACTIVITIES

REVIEW QUESTIONS & SUGGESTED ANSWERS

FEATURED ASSIGNMENTS

ADDITIONAL ASSIGNMENTS

CASE ASSIGNMENTS

LEARNING OBJECTIVES

1Apply techniques for developing effective sentences and unified and coherent paragraphs.

2Prepare visually appealing documents that grab the audience’s attention and increase

comprehension.

3Identify factors affecting readability and revise messages to improve readability.

4Revise and proofread a message for content, organization, style, and tone; mechanics; and

format and layout.

KEY CONCEPTS

Chapter 4 focuses on preparing a first draft and on revising and proofreading for accuracy and

desired impact. Such communication is carefully drafted and proofread for correct sentence

structure, emphasis on important ideas, coherent paragraphs, and easy readability. After a review

of writing process in Chapter 3 and 4 (and the Grammar and Usage Appendix), students will

prepare letters, memos, and a variety of electronic messages (email, instant, and text messages,

blogs, and other web communications) and business reports and presentations.

publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

KEY TERMS

TERM PAGE TERM PAGE

Active voice 53 Goodwill 67

Clichés 62 Inductive paragraph 55

Coherence 56 Jargon 63

Connotative meaning 68 Passive voice 53

Deductive paragraph 55 Redundancy 64

Denotative meaning 68 Subjunctive sentences 66

Doublespeak 67 Tone 65

Euphemism 67 Topic sentence 55

CHAPTER OUTLINE

4-1 Step 6: Prepare the First Draft 53

4-1a Craft Powerful Sentences 53

4-1b Develop Coherent Paragraphs 55

4-2 Revise to Grab your Audience’s Attention 58

4-2a Cultivate a Frame of Mind for Effective Revising and Proofreading 58

4-2b Apply Visual Enhancements to Improve Readability 59

4-2c Improve Readability 61

4-3 Step 7: Revise for Style and Tone 62

4-3a Eliminate Outdated Expressions 62

4-3b Curb Cliches 62

4-3c Eliminate Profanity 63

4-3d Use Simple, Informal Words 63

4-3e Communicate Concisely 63

4-3f Project a Positive, Tactful Tone 65

4-3g Use Euphemisms Cautiously 67

4-3h Avoid Condescending or Demeaning Expressions 67

4-3i Use Connotative Tone Cautiously 68

4-3j Use Specific Language Appropriately 69

4-3k Use Bias-free Language 69

4-4 Proofread and Revise 70

TEACHING SUGGESTIONS

LEARNING OBJECTIVE 1

Apply techniques for developing effective sentences and unified and coherent paragraphs.

publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Step 6: Prepare the First Draft

Once you have determined the purpose and type of message, considered the audience’s needs and

perspectives, chosen the proper channel and media for communication, determined the type of

outline and planned the logical sequence of points, you are ready to begin composing the

message.

Remind students that writing ideas down as quickly as possible is the most effective approach

to writing a draft. Revising, proof-reading, discarding, and rewriting is the natural process

for a “working draft”.

Vocabulary Building: Encourage students to use these vocabulary-building exercises

available at http://iteslj.org/v/e/jb-college.html. Students should complete the first 25

questions and report their scores to you. You might require them to list the words they saw

and their definitions as proof of the assignment. Consider having students use this site once a

month to increase their vocabularies.

Use the “Check Your Communication” checklist on the Chapter 4 review card for students.

Craft Powerful Sentences

Rely on the use of active voice (discuss and demonstrate differences between active and

passive voice.

Emphasize important ideas.

Develop coherent sentences.

Position the topic sentence effectively.

Link ideas to achieve coherence.

Keep paragraphs unified.

Vary sentence length and paragraphs.

LEARNING OBJECTIVE 2

Prepare visually appealing documents that grab the audience’s attention and increase

comprehension.

Revising Written Messages

Set the stage to discuss the importance of revising messages. Lecture topics should emphasize

the importance of proofreading and editing to create excellent documents.

Ask “What do you think when a message you receive is full of errors or information that is

not clear?” Discuss with students how errors might affect a reader’s attention to a message.

Administer a diagnostic language test if you have not done so already. Use your favorite

language test or a test posted at the text support site. Emphasize to students the value of

becoming so familiar with the rules and principles shown in the self-check that correct usage

becomes automatic.

Cultivate a Frame of Mind for Effective Revising and Proofreading

See things from audience’s perspective.

Revise for improvements.

Seek suggestions from others.

publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Creating Visually Appealing Documents

Discuss the challenge of creating visually appealing documents. Show examples of

documents that have been enhanced through the use of enumerations, enumerated or bulleted

lists, headings, tables and graphs, lines and borders, and drawing tools, and clip art.

Emphasize how graphic highlighting can make a message easier to understand. Remind

students that large blocks of unbroken text are very difficult to read and understand. Also

remind them that a paragraph can be only one sentence long.

Ask students to evaluate a document that you provide or one of their own and to generate

suggestions for visual enhancements. Select several of the students’ documents and ask them

to project the documents and explain their recommendations to the class. For greater impact,

incorporate the revisions and project the before and after versions of each document; show

several approaches and evaluate the impact of each.

Improving Readability

Discuss readability measures. The basis of most involves word length (number of syllables)

and sentence length. Discuss why or why not this is a good measure.

Emphasize that like electronic spell checkers, grammar checkers are helpful in locating

spelling and structural mistakes; however, writers are responsible for the accuracy of the

document. Lead a class discussion about the advantages and limitations of grammar checkers.

LEARNING OBJECTIVE 3

Identify factors affecting readability and revise messages to improve readability.

Step 7: Revise for Style and Tone

Ask students to think of some things they have read that have been very difficult to get through.

Get them to talk specifically about what aspects of those works made it difficult to read. Review

issues of style and tone that affect readability and ways to revise to improve readability

LEARNING OBJECTIVE 4

Revise and proofread a message for content, organization, style, and tone; mechanics; and

format and layout.

Proofreading for Mechanical Correctness

Errors in mechanics may seem inconsequential, but simple errors show a lack of care and

professionalism.

Using Systematic Procedures for Revising and Proofreading

Stress the importance of revising and proofreading:

Discuss real-world examples of proofreading errors (a) “fully fascinated and spade

damnation puppies” and (b) the AT&T error that sent consumers to erotic phone

entertainment number rather to the company.

Provide other examples of your own. Current examples can be found by keying

“costly errors” in an Internet search. A case occurred in Louisiana a few years ago in

which a borrower signed a note to the bank, supposedly pledging a boat as collateral.

publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

The description of collateral was incorrectly keyed as a “boot.” The bank was not

pleased with their repossession when the borrower defaulted on the loan.

Assign Featured Assignment 1 and encourage students to share examples of

real-world errors they identified from their research.

Continue the discussion of the importance of revising and proofreading by having students

discuss their reactions to each the following questions:

As an employer, you discover spelling and grammatical errors in an application letter.

What conclusions might you draw about the applicant? Would such errors reduce the

applicant’s chances of being invited to an interview?

Instead, what if you have limitations in grammar, spelling, and punctuation? Would

you be apprehensive about keying your written messages on your computer?

Discuss the procedures for proofreading a document (using spell and grammar checks, proof

for errors in content, proof again for errors in mechanics, review for issues of format, print

hard copy and proof manually.

Discuss the improvements made in the effectiveness of the message as a result of the

revisions made. Point out that careful proofreading results in changes in (a) organization,

content, and style; (b) mechanics; and (c) format and layout. Note the errors that would have

been undetected by a spell check.

Encourage students to learn standard proofreaders’ marks and use them as they revise

documents in the course.

Have students locate websites that describe how companies are dealing with the problem of

employees’ poor writing; students then develop a list of suggestions for writing clear,

understandable business documents.

CLASSROOM ACTIVITIES

1. Statements that Build and Protect Goodwill: Revise sentences a through j to eliminate a tone

that will damage human relations. Identify the specific weakness in each sentence.

a. Management expresses appreciation for all the maintenance engineers.

Omit negative euphemism: Management appreciates the excellent work the maintenance workers

have done.

b. Although we strenuously continue to easily outclass our competitors on an enterprisewise

level of actionability, our global customer care agents are experiencing a skill gap in

terms of their abilities and knowledge in the area of satisfying customers, particularly

when their first call response rate is measured against industry benchmarks and their

call resolution rate is compared to rates achieved by other entities in this space.

Omit misleading euphemisms “skill gap” “entities”. Revise the condescending tone of message.

c. As expected, the spin doctors fired a quick response to the complaints of the consumer

advocacy group.

Omit misleading euphemism “spin doctors”: Substitute “public information official.”

publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

d. As anyone must surely know, an employee cannot be allowed to reconcile his/her own

accounts.

Omit the condescending phrase, “as anyone must surely know.

e. The production manager harped on the new quality assurance regulations for nearly an

hour.

Omit the negative connotative tone “harped on.” Substitute “discussed.”

f. An effective presenter is never surprised by the reaction of his audience.

Omit the gender bias: “his.” Substitute “the.”

g. Several patient satisfaction surveys have included negative comments about Jim

McLaurin, a male ER nurse.

Omit the gender bias “male.”

h. Our quadriplegic first-shift supervisor moves around the plant in a motorized wheelchair.

Omit the disability bias: “quadriplegic.”

i. Obviously we had reached a Mexican standoff with the negotiations.

Omit the racial/ethnic bias: “Mexican standoff.”

j. Josh Williams was recognized for his efforts.

Use specific language to describe Josh Williams’ accomplishments.

2. Revise for Style and Tone: Revise sentences a through j for style and tone to meet the

audience’s needs. Identify the specific weaknesses in each sentence.

a. We want all employees to be familiar with OSHA requirements that pertain to their jobs.

Revise writer-centered tone: Employees will pass a short quiz on OSHA requirements as the

regulations.

b. Each project manager must complete the appropriate performance evaluation forms

before being awarded his raise.

Eliminate gender bias: Substitute “project managers” and “them” or use “him or her.”

c. After the recent downsizing, most employees are beginning to feel like rats on a sinking

ship.

Eliminate cliché: After recent downsizing, most employees are losing hope they will keep their

jobs.

d. Please be advised that the city’s new smoke-free policy is effective on January 1.

publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Omit outdated expression: “Please be advised.”

e. Since I took a leadership role on this project, the team’s performance has improved.

Eliminate condescending tone by omitting “Since I look a leadership role in this project.”

f. The grapevine has it that the company shrink is putting together more tests for us to take

by the end of the year.

Omit demeaning expression (“shrink”): Use psychiatrist.

g. You failed to read the disclaimer on our website that clearly indicates that the transmitter

you ordered does not work with older generation MP3 players. Unfortunately, we cannot

honor your request for a refund.

Omit negative language with you-emphasis: “you failed”

h. Through strategic alliances and by internal expansion of programs, Lox Enterprises is

seeking to develop a substantial market presence as the leading provider of management

consulting services in Illinois and its neighboring states.

Omit jargon: “internal expansion” “substantial market presence.” Use simpler language

i. The best computers available for lease through corporate channels are horribly

outdated.

Omit negative language “horribly outdated.” Focus on solution rather than problem

j. The supervisor asked Quan to go back and make revisions to the final draft of the report

so the data will be completely accurate.

De-emphasize specific person’s role; use passive voice: “The supervisor asked that the final draft

be revised so that the data is completely accurate.”

3. Doublespeak—Language to Avoid: Doublespeak, or corporate speak is language used to

deliberately mislead, hide, or evade the truth. This distortion of the truth is often found in

military, political, and corporate language. A loss of credibility and respect results when a

politician talks of “revenue enhancements” rather than “tax increases,” a police officer

refers to “nontraditional organized crime” rather than gang activity, or a military

spokesperson speaks of “collateral damage” or “friendly fire” rather than civilians killed

accidentally by the military’s own weapons.

DOUBLESPEAK STRAIGHTFORWARD TRANSLATION

aerial ordinance bombs and missiles

detainee prisoner of war, i.e. in terrorism

ethnic cleansing genocide

person of interest suspect in a crime

regime change a forceful change of government by a foreign

publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

power

rightsize lay-off

take down kill someone

vertically deployed antipersonnel devices bombs

4. Sentence Structure: Analyze the structure of the following sentences: indicate the type of

sentence (i.e., simple, compound, complex, or compound-complex), mark the dependent and

independent clauses, and punctuate correctly.

SENTENCE TYPE OF

SENTENCE

CORRECTION

a. The Information Systems Department has

implemented new email security procedures.

Simple Correct

The consultant recommended a new marketing

strategy it works much better than the strategy

we formerly used.

Compound The consultant

recommended a new

marketing strategy; it

works much better than

the strategy we formerly

used.

c. We need new marketing brochures, the ones we

use now are out of date.

Compound We need new marketing

brochures; the ones we

use now are out of date.

After analyzing the crucial issues, the manager

will present an acceptable Internet usage policy

for our consideration.

Complex Correct

e. Because of the expansion of our global

operation our current website no longer

accurately portrays our capabilities however

the publications department is developing a

new interface.

Compound/

Complex

Because of the expansion

of our overseas operation,

our current brochures no

longer accurately portray

our capabilities; however,

the publications

department is developing

new materials.

This solution is also available on the solution slides.

5. Active and Passive Voice: Revise the following sentences using active and passive voice

appropriately. Justify your decisions.

SENTENCE REVISION JUSTIFICATION

a. The appointment of a new

quality assurance manager

is expected early next

month.

We expect a new quality

manager to be appointed early

next month.

Emphasize the new manager, not

his appointment by moving him

to the beginning of the sentence.

b. The recommendation to

implement a fraud

management program

came from J. D. Reese.

J.D. Reese recommended the

implementation of a fraud

management program.

Active voice highlights the doer

in a beneficial action.

c. Elizabeth polled only the

clients in the Southeast,

An inaccurate marketing

report was produced because

Highlights the action to hide the

doer in a bad-news message.

publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

thereby producing an

inaccurate marketing

report.

only clients in the Southeast

were polled.

d. Adoption of a few

financial strategies will

increase the likelihood

that financial goals will be

achieved.

It is likely the new financial

goals will be achieved by

adopting a few financial

strategies

Good news of hitting goals is

highlighted in the beginning of

the sentence.

6. Emphasis Techniques: Choose the preferred sentence from each pair and justify your choice.

a. (1) Lindsay’s request to telecommute was denied, but she will begin a flextime schedule

in two weeks.

(2) Although her request to telecommute was denied, Lindsay will begin a flextime

schedule in two weeks.

Sentence (2) because it masks the bad news in the subjunctive

b. (1) The Lawlor account was won.

(2) Jennifer is responsible for our winning the Lawlor account.

Sentence (2) because it highlights the doer of a good action.

c. (1) Thank you for donating time to work with the United Way campaign this year.

(2) Congratulations on your outstanding work as the campaign coordinator for the 2007

United Way campaign. Our city’s goal was easily exceeded thanks to your exceptional

leadership abilities.

Sentence (2) for its sincerity and receiver focused message of gratitude.

d. (1) We appreciate your letting us know about your concerns.

(2) We appreciate your letting us know about the broken equipment, the outdated

materials, and the poor employee morale at your branch.

Sentence (2) demonstrates sincerity by using details from the original message.

e. (1) Your warranty does not cover these repair charges.

(2) Had you completed all scheduled maintenance on your Lincoln LS, your warranty

would have covered these repair charges.

Sentence (2) subordinates the bad news in the subjunctive.

Solutions also available on the solution slides.

7. Emphasis and Ordering Techniques: Revise the following sentences, adding emphasis to the

lists.

a. Our department needs two more engineers. The workload is such that the three engineers

currently on staff are out of town on site at least three days a week. Although their work

is satisfactory, at this pace, it could suffer soon. Morale is also starting to become a

publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

concern. Additionally, because of the increasing workload, it has become difficult for

them to attend to routine administrative tasks in a timely fashion.

The department needs two more engineers because

the workload requires three engineers to be away on site three days a week

strenuous workload will soon affect quality of work

morale is low

difficulty attending routine administrative tasks in a timely fashion

b. Employees should be allowed a choice between overtime pay or compensatory time off.

Many of our employees are parents and would appreciate having more time to spend with

their children. Others are more interested in earning extra money. Therefore, offering a

choice would improve morale and reduce employee absenteeism, leading to a more

efficient, committed workforce.

Employees should be allowed a choice between overtime pay or compensatory time off because

some employees would appreciate more time with their children.

some employees would appreciate earning extra money.

Offering a choice would

improve morale

reduce employee absenteeism

create a more efficient, committed workforce

Solutions also available on the solution slides.

8. Coherence Techniques: Link each sentence to the preceding sentence to improve coherence

(avoid abrupt changes in thought).

a. The design team meets every Monday at 9 a.m. They go over plans and goals for the

upcoming week. Other departments have similar meetings.

The design team meets every Monday at 9 a.m. to go over plans and goals for the upcoming

week. Other departments have similar weekly meetings.

b. Diversity awareness training seems important to some employees. It is very effective in

improving communication and understanding. Employees should participate in this training.

Diversity awareness training seems important to some employees. They have found it is very

effective in improving communication and understanding. To make this improvement, all

employees should participate in this training.

c. Our company has initiated a new overtime policy. Employees can choose between

overtime pay and compensatory time off. This policy could improve morale and productivity.

Our company has initiated a new overtime policy. The new policy allows employees to choose

between overtime pay and compensatory time off. This choice could improve morale and

productivity.

d. The publications department is working on new marketing materials. Our current

brochures and materials are out of date. The materials do not reflect the major corporate

changes that have occurred in the past six months.

publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

The publications department is working on new marketing materials. The new materials will

replace our current brochures and materials which are out of date. The current materials are out of

date because they do not reflect the major corporate changes that have occurred in the past six

months.

e. New computer software is being loaded onto our local area network (LAN). Personnel

will be able to generate expense statements from their workstations. This will make the old paper

forms obsolete.

New computer software is being loaded onto our local area network (LAN). Through the LAN,

personnel will be able to generate expense statements from their workstations. Using the software

will make the old paper forms obsolete.

Solutions also available on the solution slides.

9. Improving Readability: Improve readability by dividing each of the following sentences into

shorter sentences.

a. Several members of our firm will be touring the manufacturing plant in Tokyo during the

week of May 16, 2009, and upon return to the United States will present a slide show

documenting the trip, followed by a question-and-answer session, both to be held in the

banquet hall of the Ashton Hotel in Denver on Friday, May 27.

Several members of our firm will be touring the manufacturing plant in Tokyo during the week of

May 16, 2009. When they return to the United States, they will present a slide show documenting

the trip in the banquet hall of the Ashton Hotel in Denver. The show will be followed by a

question-and-answer session. The presentation will be held May 27.

b. The accountant will be arriving on Thursday to perform the audit, and will be using the

2nd floor break room as a work area, meaning that employees should take morning and

afternoon breaks in either the courtyard or the 3rd floor lounge, and employees who use

the 2nd floor break room for lunch should report to the cafeteria at that time.

The accountant will be arriving on Thursday to perform the audit. He will be using the 2nd floor

break room as a work area. Employees should take morning and afternoon breaks in either the

courtyard or the 3rd floor lounge. Employees who use the 2nd floor break room for lunch should

report to the cafeteria at that time.

c. People from such different backgrounds as today’s workers invariably bring different

values, attitudes, and perceptions to the workplace, which can lead to

misunderstandings, miscommunications, and missed opportunities to improve both the

workers and the organizations.

People from such different backgrounds as today’s workers invariably bring different values,

attitudes, and perceptions to the workplace. Such differences can lead to misunderstandings,

miscommunications, and missed opportunities to improve both the workers and the organizations.

d. Business managers have studied, completed internships, and made many sacrifices to get

closer to their ultimate goals, but unless they can use electronic tools to access,

publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

assemble, and communicate information in a timely manner, however, they may find

themselves lagging behind.

Business managers have studied, completed internships, and made many sacrifices to get closer to

their ultimate goals. However, unless they can use electronic tools to access, assemble, and

communicate information in a timely manner, they may find themselves lagging behind.

Now suggest short, simple words to replace each of the following difficult words that raise the

readability index.

e. The new concentration of the agency reflects a ubiquitous necessity for clean energy.

The new focus of the agency demonstrates a clear necessity for clean energy.

f. The supervisor’s deprecatory remarks demoralized the employees.

The supervisor’s critical remarks depressed the employees.

g. After a meticulous search, the committee has concurred on an epitome location for the

convention.

After an intense search, the committee has agreed on a perfect location for the convention.

h. Assembling the proposal required perusing voluminous stacks of files for the pertinent

information.

Drafting the proposal involved searching several stacks of files for the correct information.

publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.