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Dave so he can provide around-the clock-treatment. Several scenes depict effective and
ineffective methods for managing one’s anger.
The Pursuit of Happyness (2006, 107 minutes) is a true story about a struggling salesman
named Chris Gardner (played by Will Smith) who pursues a life-changing professional
endeavor. This movie provides several scenes that demonstrate emotional intelligence.
Rabbit Hole (2011, 91 minutes) asks the following question: How do you move on with your
life when your only child is killed? That is the challenge confronting grieving parents (played
by Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart), who must cope with their pain, guilt, and
deteriorating marriage. This is a moving film that provides an unflinching examination of
human grief and sorrow.
Sex and the City (2008, 145 minutes) follows the friendship of four forty-something females
as they move through various romantic relationships. Adapted from the TV show of the same
name, the film provides illustrations of all six primary emotions and good examples of anger
expression as Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) is betrayed by her groom, Mr. Big (Chris Noth),
and as Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) discovers her husband has had an affair. Passion is also
illustrated by the character Samantha (Kim Cattrall), whose long-term relationship begins to
fade.
This Is 40 (2012, 138 minutes) follows the lives of middle-aged married couple Pete (Paul
Rudd) & Debbie (Leslie Mann) as they both turn 40. Many stressors challenge their marriage:
their kids, failing businesses, and home foreclosure. This film is useful for examining
listening styles, communicating emotions, and relationship maintenance.
Web Resources
Emotional Management—Student Counseling Center, UT Dallas
https://www.utdallas.edu/counseling/emotions/
This website serves as a resource for students who may be experiencing strong emotions. The
site helps students identify the types of emotions they may be experiencing, while also
providing emotion management tips.
Managing Emotions at Work
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emgfJXY0TOM
This video discusses emotional intelligence and its connection to a better and more
productive work life.
Consortium for Research on Emotional Intelligence in Organizations
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www.eiconsortium.org
The Consortium represents the work of applied researchers and scholars in the area of
emotional intelligence; this site contains background briefs, research reports, and case
studies.
Emotional Intelligence Test
http://psychologytoday.psychtests.com/tests/emotional_iq_r2_access.html
Psychology Today offers this 70-question Emotional Intelligence test, which is located by
navigating to the second page of available tests.
Journey of Hearts
www.journeyofhearts.org/
This is an interdisciplinary website that draws on medicine, psychiatry, poetry, prose, and
images to provide resources and support to those who have experienced loss.
Controlling Anger before It Controls You
www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx
The American Psychological Association offers this site, which presents multiple strategies
for managing anger.
Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning
www.casel.org
CASEL, founded by psychologist Daniel Goleman, has a mission to promote social and
emotional education in children. The organization’s website outlines objectives in social and
emotional learning in K–12 education and presents its major projects and publications.
Test Yourself for Hidden Bias
https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/
Harvard, University of Virginia, and University of Washington psychologists have created
Hidden Bias Tests as their “Project Implicit.” This site has 15 hidden bias tests that can be
taken online, as well as a tutorial about tolerance. Be sure to click on the “Continue as a
Guest” option.
“Why Loneliness Can Be Contagious”
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/01/why-loneliness-can-be-
contagious/?_php=true&_type=blogs&hp&_r=2
This 2009 article from the New York Times provides perspective on why loneliness can be
contagious.
“The Pursuit of Happiness”
http://www.cbsnews.com/videos/the-pursuit-of-happiness
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This 2008 report from the TV show 60 Minutes focuses on a study that indicates Denmark is
the happiest country in the world. The segment examines what factors contribute to Danes’
happiness. Students may be surprised at the results of the study.
“Gospel for Teens”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVwQjdjiq_A
This 2011 segment from 60 Minutes focuses on Vy Higginsen and her nonprofit Gospel for
Teens program. This program is the subject of the opening story of Chapter 4.
“Teary-Eyed Evolution: Crying Serves a Purpose”
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=129329054
This National Public Radio article (which is accompanied by an audio recording of the
story’s radio-broadcast form) discusses the communicative messages of crying, as well as the
many benefits to be derived from letting the tears flow.
Words Can Hurt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1G7nohXboIc
This PSA from Childline.org effectively demonstrates the power of verbal and emotional
abuse.
Anger Management Techniques
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsVq5R_F6RA
This animated video from WellCast provides several anger management techniques.
The Grieving Process: Coping with Death
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsYL4PC0hyk
This animated video from WellCast provides several suggestions for coping with grief.
The Science of Happiness—An Experiment in Gratitude
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHv6vTKD6lg
This video (from SoulPancake) provides an experimental approach on what makes people
happy.
The Habits of Supremely Happy People
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/16/happiness-habits-of-exuberant-human
-beings_n_3909772.html
This 2013 article from the Huffington Post provides insight into how to cultivate happiness.
“Botox Can Dull Ability to Read Emotion in Others”
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/223242.php
A brief article on the finding that Botox hinders your ability to read the emotions of others.
“On Top of the World . . . or Not: Happiness in the U.S.”
http://www.topcounselingschools.org/happiness-in-the-u-s/
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This infographic will make for an interesting class discussion on happiness.
“Loneliness Is More Deadly than Obesity”
http://www.topcounselingschools.org/loneliness-obesity/
This infographic will make for an interesting discussion on loneliness.
“Mapping Emotions on the Body: Love Makes Us Warm All Over”
http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/12/30/258313116/mapping-emotions-on-the-body
-love-makes-us-warm-all-over
An interesting NPR article on the physiological effects of emotions.
“The Happiness Formula”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/happiness_formula/default.stm
This BBC program has an extensive website with many videos and other resources on
happiness.
“10 Essential Emotion Regulation Skills for Adults”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201304/10-essential-emotion-regulation-
skills-adults
This blog provides a checklist of emotional management skills that result in stronger
interpersonal relationships.
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MUSIC RECOMMENDATIONS
The following music examples have been included for illustrating interpersonal
communication concepts addressed in this chapter. It is recommended that the instructor
preview songs before using them, as some contain adult language. Each instructor must
decide what is appropriate for his or her class.
“Joy,” performed by Ellie Goulding
“Seven Things,” performed by Miley Cyrus
“Complicated,” performed by Avril Lavigne
“Hurt,” performed by Johnny Cash
“I Will Remember You,” performed by Sarah McLachlan
“Back to Black,” performed by Amy Winehouse
“Smile,” performed by the cast of Glee
“Emotions,” performed by Mariah Carey
“Big Girls Don’t Cry,” performed by Fergie
“Jealousy,” performed by Will Young
“Happy,” performed by Pharrell Williams
“Therapy,” performed by Mary J. Blige
“Whole Damn Year,” performed by Mary J. Blige
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Chapter 4: Experiencing and Expressing Emotions
Lecture Outline
I. Emotion is an intense reaction to an event that involves interpreting the meaning of the
event, becoming physiologically aroused, labeling the experience as emotional,
attempting to manage the reaction, and communicating this reaction in the form of
emotional displays and disclosures.
II. Emotions have five key features:
A. Emotions are reactive, triggered by our perception of outside events.
B. Emotions involve physiological arousal, in the form of increased heart rate, blood
pressure, and adrenaline release.
C. Emotional experience requires awareness of our interpretation and arousal as “an
emotion” and consciously labeling it as such.
D. Emotional experiences and expressions are constrained by historical, cultural,
relational, and situational norms that govern our behavior.
E. Emotions are communicated in a variety of ways and are reflected in our verbal and
nonverbal displays, in the form of word choices, exclamations or expletives, facial
expressions, body posture, and gestures.
III. Emotions are fundamental to interpersonal communication and meaning.
A. One example of this is the development of emoticons—typographic symbols that
represent emotional expressions in social media posts, e-mails, or instant/text
messages.
B. Another example is how we talk about our emotional experiences with our
relationship partners, a form of communication known as emotion-sharing.
C. When people share their emotions with us, we may unintentionally mimic or copy
their emotional states through our facial expressions, leading us to experience a
“pale reflection” of their emotions.
D. Sometimes emotion-sharing leads to emotional contagion; when the experience of
the same emotion rapidly spreads from one person to others.
IV. Feelings and moods are distinct from emotions.
A. Feelings are short-term emotional reactions to events that generate only limited
arousal; they typically do not trigger attempts to manage their experience or
expression.
B. Moods are low-intensity states—such as boredom, contentment, grouchiness, or
serenity—that are not caused by particular events and typically last longer than
feelings or emotions.
1. Moods can have a profound impact on perception and communication with
2. People in good moods are more likely than those in bad moods to form positive
impressions of others, yet are more likely to fall prey to the fundamental
attribution error.
3. Some common responses to bad moods—including drinking alcohol, eating,
engaging in sexual activity, and taking recreational drugs—are ineffective for
changing moods, and may actually worsen mood.
4. Effective strategies for improving mood combine relaxation, stress management,
deep breathing, and mind-body awareness. The most effective strategy of all
appears to be rigorous physical exercise.
V. Primary emotions involve unique and consistent behavior displays across cultures.
A. Six primary emotions are surprise, joy, disgust, anger, fear, and sadness.
B. Some events may trigger two or more primary emotions simultaneously, resulting in
an experience known as a blended emotion.
C. Emotions involve unique and consistent behavioral displays across cultures. For
example, shame and sad love are primary emotions in traditional Chinese culture.
VI. Focus on Culture: Happiness across Cultures. Studies reveal that, worldwide and
across wide boundaries of age, class, gender, and wealth, happiness is predicated on
satisfying close relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners.
A. Happiness is positively correlated with spiritual practices and beliefs.
B. Living a physically healthy life also brings happiness.
VII. Personality profoundly impacts our emotions.
A. Personality traits of extraversion, neuroticism, and agreeableness strongly influence
how we experience and communicate positive and negative emotions.
B. Part of becoming a skilled emotional communicator is by learning how your
personality traits affect your emotional experience and expression, and by treating
others’ emotional differences with sensitivity and understanding.
C. Rational Emotive Behavior Theory (REBT) is a method therapists use to help an
individual combat the negative beliefs and irrational thoughts leading to neuroticism
(the tendency to think negative thoughts about oneself).
VIII. Gender also affects emotional management and communication.
A. Gender differences in emotion derive in part from differences in how men and
women view their roles in interpersonal relationships.
B. Women report experiencing more sadness, fear, shame, and guilt, while men report
more anger and other hostile emotions.
C. However, when men and women experience the same emotions, there is no gender
difference in the intensity of the emotion experienced.
IX. Emotional intelligence (EI) is the broader ability to interpret your own and others’
emotions accurately and to use this information to manage emotions, communicate
them constructively, and solve relationship problems.
A. People with high degrees of emotional intelligence typically possess four skills:
1. An acute understanding of their own emotions
2. The ability to empathize
3. An aptitude for constructively managing their own emotions
4. The capacity for applying their emotional states in ways that create competent
decision making, communication, and relationship problem solving
B. People with high EI are more likely to garner trust, inspire followers, and be
perceived as having integrity.
C. High EI individuals are less likely to bully people, or use violence to get what they
want, and they find it easier to forgive relational partners who have wronged them.
D. High EI individuals also experience greater life satisfaction.
E. Emotion management is an important part of emotional intelligence, because it
directly influences how we experience and express emotion.
1. Emotion management involves attempts to influence which emotions you have,
when you have them, and your experience and expression of them.
2. Emotion management strategies can be distinguished, based on when they are
used.
F. One strategy for managing emotions is to try to modify or control them after you
become aware of them. The two most common ways to manage emotion are
suppression and venting.
1. Suppression involves inhibiting thoughts, arousal, and outward behavioral
displays of emotion.
2. Venting is allowing emotions to dominate our thoughts and explosively
expressing them.
3. Another option for managing existing emotions is acceptance—allowing
emotions to naturally arise without trying to suppress or vent them.
G. An alternative to managing emotions after they occur is to prevent them from
occurring in the first place. There are four commonplace strategies for preventing
emotions:
1. Encounter avoidance involves staying away from people, places, or activities
that you know will provoke emotions you don’t want to experience.
2. Encounter structuring is intentionally avoiding specific topics that you know
will provoke unwanted emotion during encounters with others.
3. Attention focus involves devoting your attention only to aspects of an event or
encounter that you know will not provoke an undesired emotion.
4. Deactivation means systematically desensitizing yourself to emotional
experience.
a. Deactivation is dangerous because it can trigger deep depression.
H. Another approach to managing emotions requires you to realize how to interpret
emotions while they occur. Reappraisal consists of actively changing how you
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think about the meaning of emotion-eliciting situations so their emotional impact is
changed.
1. Reappraisal is effective because you employ it at the onset of, or immediately
before, a full-blown emotional reaction.
2. When you reappraise, you take active responsibility to
a. call to mind the positive aspects of the encounter. Think about how you can
constructively communicate even during unpleasant encounters.
b. consider the short- and long-term consequences of your actions. Think about
how you might communicate positively in the here-and-now to shape positive
consequences.
X. Dealing with such emotions as anger, passion, and grief is particularly challenging
because these emotions are perceived as uniquely important, occur frequently, and
profoundly shape our communication and relationship decision making.
A. Anger is our most intense and potentially destructive emotion.
1. Anger is a negative primary emotion that occurs when you are blocked or
interrupted from attaining an important goal by what you see as the improper
action of an external agent.
2. Anger is driven largely by the perception that the interruption was improper or
unfair.
3. Suppression and venting are two common responses to managing anger.
a. Consistent suppression of anger can lead to chronic hostility, a near-constant
state of arousal and negative thinking.
b. People believe venting is a helpful and healthy path toward catharsis, a
satisfying resolution of emotions through open expression. However, venting
may actually increase anger.
4. To effectively manage your anger, it’s best to use strategies such as encounter
avoidance, encounter structuring, and reappraisal.
5. The Jefferson strategy is an effective anger management strategy:
a. When a person says or does something that makes you angry, count slowly to
10 before you speak or act.
b. If you are very angry, count slowly to 100, then speak or act.
c. The strategy creates a delay between the event that triggered your anger, the
accompanying arousal and awareness, and your communication response.
B. Online communication often engenders inappropriate emotional expression due to
two factors:
1. The asynchronous nature of online communication predisposes us to openly
express emotions that we might otherwise conceal if we knew the response would
be immediate; asynchronicity means the interactions are not in real time.
2. The invisibility of online communication provides a sense of distance from the
consequences of our messages; people can’t see or hear us communicating.
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C. The ability to perceive feedback is neurologically tied to empathy; therefore, the
lack of online feedback inhibits our empathy and ability to communicate
appropriately.
D. There are four ways to handle the challenge of online empathy deficits:
1. Compensate for empathy deficits by investing intense effort into perspective-
taking and empathic concern.
2. Communicate empathy by asking questions that seek the other person’s
perspective.
3. Accept that aggressive messages are often a natural outcome of the online
environment, rather than evidence that others are mean or rude.
4. Avoid crafting and sending angry messages when your emotions are strongest.
E. Passion is a blended emotion, a combination of surprise and joy coupled with
positive feelings such as excitement, amazement, and sexual attraction.
1. Because passion stems in large part from surprise, the longer and better you know
someone, the less passion you will experience toward that person on a daily basis.
2. Partners who have known each other intimately for years may be familiar with
almost all of the communication behaviors in each other’s repertoires.
3. When it comes to passion, the best you can hope for in a long-term romantic
relationship is a warm afterglow.
F. An inevitable part of interpersonal life is the intense sadness that follows a
substantial loss, known as grief.
1. Talking about your grief with others is the most effective method for managing
the emotion; also known as emotion-sharing.
2. Online support groups are an alternative for those of us without ready access to
face-to-face support groups.
3. You can help others manage their grief by engaging in supportive
communication.
a. Effective support messages convey explicit emotional support, sincere
expressions of sympathy and condolence, concern for the other person, or
encouragement to express emotions.
b. Ineffective support messages discount or minimize the person’s feelings.
c. You can improve your supportive communication by following these seven
suggestions:
i. Make sure the person is ready to talk.
ii. Find the right place and time.
iii. Ask good questions.
iv. Legitimize, don’t minimize.
v. Listen actively.
vi. Offer advice cautiously.
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vii. Show concern and give praise.
G. Making Relationship Choices: Managing Anger and Providing Support
1. Balancing our feelings of anger with another’s need for interpersonal support can
sometimes be difficult.
2. Imagine a situation in which your brother is grieving the unexpected passing of a
close grandparent, and the grief is compounded by anger toward you for not
disclosing the severity of the grandparent’s illness. You make a great effort to
comfort your brother, only to have your effort rebuffed.
3. Reflect on your thoughts and feelings as well as those of your brother.
4. Determine the optimal outcome and locate the roadblocks to achieving the
outcome.
5. Use the concepts of intimacy, emotion management strategies, anger, grief, and
supportive communication to plan a course of action.