68
Chapter 2: Considering Self
Instructor Resources
OBJECTIVES
• Identify the components of self.
• Examine how critical self-reflection can be used to improve your communication skills and
your self-esteem.
• Explain the ways in which gender, family, and culture influence our sense of self.
• Explore how to present and maintain a positive self when interacting with others.
• Understand the importance of online self-presentation.
• Discuss the challenges involved in communicating the self, including managing the self in
relationships.
• Explore various considerations related to successful self-disclosure.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. In the opening story about Eric Staib, we learn that Eric’s opinion of his learning
difficulties changed for the better when he was diagnosed as dyslexic. How significant
do you think labels are in forming self-concept? What are some examples that you know
about? Using some of these examples, how might one rethink labels and take positive
steps to overcome limitations?
2. Self-awareness is important to developing your self, your communication, and your
relationships. One example of not understanding your self very well is repeating the
same mistakes over and over. What other personal and interpersonal problems can occur
if you don’t know your self very well?
3. What is an example of a self-fulfilling prophecy you’ve experienced in school or your
social life? Trace the sequence of events that made the original prediction come true.
© 2019 Macmillan Learning. All rights reserved.
4. Advertisers use tactics to suggest that we “ought” to be cool or that we “ought” to be
young. For example, ads from Apple imply that it is fashionable to be seen with its sleek
new iPhone or the latest iPad. Alternately, Clairol ads depict the horror of graying hair,
explaining how the company’s dyes can “subtract years” from your appearance. How
much of an impact does the media have in determining how we “ought” to be? What
other examples can you provide?
5. What does it mean when we say that gender is social, psychological, and behavioral?
What kinds of messages have you heard from your family and from your cultural
upbringing about what it means to be a man? A woman? How have these messages
changed from generation to generation? What experiences have you had living and
traveling in cultures that possess different viewpoints about gender?
6. What is the importance of attachment styles in helping you think about interpersonal
relationships?
each attachment style each would handle an emotional crisis.
7. In what ways do the masks we wear serve us in various interpersonal settings? For
example, how many of you work in customer-service settings where masks are
important? Why is this? When do masks present problems interpersonally?
8. One criticism of social media is that people feel they must post status updates and photos
of themselves looking happy and having fun in order to seem cool and/or popular. (This
tendency led Facebook to earn the pejorative nickname “Bragbook.”) What if your
online self-presentation doesn’t match up with this type of face? What affects could that
cause to your view of self?
9. What happens in Vegas stays on Instagram! Social media has transformed interpersonal
communication, because many people blog, tweet, and post to Instagram and other social
media platforms without considering the appropriateness of the information they are
sharing. Working with a classmate, list types of information you feel are inappropriate
for disclosure via social media. Why do you feel they are inappropriate? What is
appropriate to share? Why?
10. What kinds of things do you talk about with a classmate you are just getting to know?
Let’s organize these topics according to breadth and depth of disclosure. Then, let’s
consider someone you have been dating for several months: In what ways are the topics
similar? How might the breadth and depth of these topics change? What topics might be
introduced as the relationship develops?
71
© 2019 Macmillan Learning. All rights reserved.
THINK PAIR SHARE
Think Pair Share prompts support the active engagement of students in the learning
experience. The prompts can be particularly useful in punctuating the lecture presentation of
chapter concepts.
1. Explain the differences among self-awareness, self-concept, and self-esteem.
2. What is an example of a characteristic that would represent a discrepancy between your
ideal self and your ought self?
3. What is the difference between face and mask? Think about your most embarrassing
moment. Explain the moment to your partner using the concepts of face and mask to
interpret the situation.
4. What are one or two examples of self-information that can be found in each of the four
quadrants of the Johari Window?
5. Together with your partner, name three or four characteristics that people you’ve known
seemed blind to about their selves.
6. Consider the benefits and risks of self-disclosure. Together with your partner, create a list
of at least five benefits and five risks of self-disclosure. Each dyad should share their list
with the whole class in order to create an overall list of “benefits” and “risks” of self-
disclosure.
7. Consider the skills of self-disclosure. Discuss with your partner the skill(s) you believe you
excel at, and review those skills in which you believe you need more experience or
improvement.
JOURNAL PROMPTS
1. What could others learn about you by knowing the kinds of television programs you
watch, the types of websites you visit the most, and the music you enjoy? Do you believe
media influences how we see ourselves?
2. Of the four attachment styles discussed in the chapter, which one describes your style?
Provide an example of a current relationship to support your description.
3. Describe a time when you lost face and were embarrassed in a situation. What did you do
to restore face, and how does your response compare with the steps outlined in the
chapter?
4. Identify a label (positive or negative) that affects how you see yourself. What kind of
impact has the label had on your self-concept and how you present yourself in
relationships?
5. Examine all the elements of how you present yourself online (photos, personal profile,
videos, comments, blogs, etc.). If a current or future employer were to use social media
72
to investigate you, what impressions would they form about you? Would they discover
anything that might cause them to question whether they should hire you? What, if
anything, might you change?
6. According to The American Academy of Pediatrics, being shunned on a social networking
website can be more harmful than if a child is ignored by friends in real life. Why do you
think this might be?
[Note: Instructors may want to consult the CNET podcast “Is There Really ‘Facebook
Depression’?” (http://news.cnet.com/8301-19518_3-20048148-238.html) or the
Pediatrics clinical report “The Impact of Social Media on Children, Adolescents, and
Families” (http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2011/03/28/peds.2011-
0054.full.pdf+html) as a way to supplement this discussion.]
7. According to the social penetration theory, there are many layers of the self that we share
or disclose to others. However, the rate at which we share isn’t consistent. Sometimes
people share too much information, too soon. This may result in alienation. Has “too
much too soon” ever been a reason for terminating one of your relationships? If so,
explain what happened. If not, how do you think you would deal with a friend or date
who shared too much early in the relationship? What topics would you consider “too
much too soon”?
EXPERIENTIAL ACTIVITIES
Exercise: Identifying and Overcoming Negative Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
Objective: To apply the concept of positive self-talk in disrupting negative self-fulfilling
prophecies.
Directions to Students:
73
STINKIN’ THINKIN’ HANDOUT*
1. Perfectionism: settling for nothing short of perfection in your behavior or a situation
2. Mind-reading/Fortune-telling Error: arbitrarily concluding that a person is reacting
3. Awfulizing: exaggerating the outcome of a negative situation
4. Disqualifying the Positive: explaining away positive experiences or messages
5. Self-labeling: attaching negative descriptions to yourself
“I’m such a loser.”
“I’m a terrible golfer.”
*Informed by Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, by David D. Burns (Harper, 1999).
74
Overcoming Negative Self-Fulfilling Prophecies Worksheet
Negative self-
fulfilling prophecy
Thoughts I have or
ways that I talk to
myself
Type of “Stinkin’
Thinkin’”
Positive steps to
take
Example:
Talking to women
I find attractive
“She’s going to
think I’m weird.”
“She just talked to
me because she felt
sorry for me.”
Mind reading
Fortune-telling
Disqualifying the
positive
Most people find me
interesting when I
talk to them. I need
to continue talking
to women regardless
of whether I am
attracted to them.
The practice will
serve me well.
75
EXERCISE: ADVERTISING AND SELF-IMAGE
Objective: To analyze the subtext of advertising and self-image.
a. Each student should bring to class two or three magazines, newspapers, or Internet
advertisements that contain images of people.
b. Working in groups, look at the array of images in terms of gender, age, ethnicity,
socioeconomic status, and physical attractiveness. What qualities of appearance are most
notable in the advertisements your group collected?
c. Debriefing:
1. Do you agree with the textbook assertion that we live in an “appearance culture”?
2. Do your images support this claim?
3. How might these images affect the self-images of those who do not fit the profile?
d. If you have an Internet connection in the classroom, take students to the About Face
website (www.about-face.org). About Face is an advocacy organization that promotes
self-esteem in women from all walks of life through media education and outreach.
Examine the “Gallery of Winners” to discuss how the media are now designing ads that
eradicate appearance stereotypes and images.
EXERCISE: OPEN AND HIDDEN SELVES
Objective: To apply the Johari Window as a means of explaining the management of self-
disclosure in relationships.
a. Consider two different relationships: one that is fairly new and one that is well-
established.
b. Use the Johari Window diagrams worksheet to identify the kinds of information in the
open areas of each relationship, and a sampling of information that is hidden in each
relationship.
c. Working in groups, discuss the following: What similarities and differences are there
between your own two relationships? What similarities and differences do you notice
among the group members’ responses? Try to identify patterns of information that most
people share willingly. What kind of information stays hidden, even in some well-
established relationships? What factors influence our willingness to self-disclose?
76
OPEN AND HIDDEN SELVES WORKSHEET
Classmate
What are some things the person already knows about you or could guess?
What are some things that you have not shared with this person?
Established Relationship
What are some things the person already knows about you or could guess?
What are some things that you have not shared with this person?
Exercise: Self-Disclosure
Objective: To consider how self-disclosure works for a variety of topics and to analyze your
levels of comfort with different types of disclosure.
Directions: There are two parts to this activity. Part 1 is to be completed in groups. Part 2 is
to be completed individually.
Part 1: Below are 15 questions (informed by The Book of Questions by Gregory Stock) that
may challenge some of your attitudes, morals, values, and beliefs. Discuss these questions
and your answers to them in groups of four or five individuals. You do not have to answer
a question if you do not want to or are not comfortable doing so. Group members may not
pressure anyone to answer the questions. You do not have to write down your answers to
the questions in Part 1.
1. You discover your wonderful 1-year-old child is, because of a mix-up at the hospital,
not yours. Would you exchange the child to correct the mistake?
2. You are given the power to kill people simply by thinking of their deaths and twice
repeating the word “goodbye.” The people would die natural deaths, and no one
would suspect you. Are there any situations in which you would use this power?
3. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one ability or quality, what would
it be?
4. You are offered $1 million for the following act. Before you are 10 pistols, only 1 of
which is loaded. You must pick up one of the pistols, point it at your forehead, and
pull the trigger. If you can walk away, you do so a millionaire. Would you accept the
risk?
5. Would you like your spouse to be both smarter and more attractive than you?
6. If you could have free, unlimited service for five years from an extremely good cook,
chauffeur, housekeeper, masseuse, or personal secretary, which would you choose?
7. For $20,000, would you go for three months without washing, brushing your teeth, or
using deodorant? Assume you could not explain your reasons to anyone, and that
8. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
9. Would you have one of your fingers surgically removed if it somehow guaranteed
immunity from all major diseases?
10. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by five years to become
extremely attractive?
Part 2: On a separate sheet of paper, answer the following questions. Turn in your answers at
the next class period.
1. What types of questions made you feel uncomfortable? Why?
2. What types of questions were you willing to answer? Why?
3. Were you always truthful? If you lied or did not answer, why did you do so?
4. Were you more willing to disclose positive or negative information? Why?
5. Are there some questions that you wish you had not answered? If so, why?
6. Did any of your perceptions about the other group members change? Explain.
7. Is there anything that someone disclosed that you wish you could “un-know”? (No
names, please.)
8. As a listener, are there certain topics you would rather not hear about from certain
people?
9. Is there any member of your group to whom you feel closer after the discussion?
Why? (No names, please.)
10. Is there any member of your group who alienated you during the group
discussion? Why? (No names, please.)
VIDEO RECOMMENDATIONS
The Boss Baby (2017, 97 minutes) tells the story of a 7-year-old boy (Miles Christopher
Bakshi) who has to learn to adapt to life with a new baby brother. This new brother isn’t any
old baby brother, however. This new brother is known around town as the Boss Baby (played
by Alec Baldwin). He wears a suit and has the brusque manner of a businessman. These two
brothers are forced to understand their selves and who they are in relation to one another.
This movie also plays on the notions of how family and culture shape our understandings of
relationships and what brothers and babies should be to one another.
Wonder (2017, 113 minutes) is based on the New York Times bestselling novel of the same
name. The film follows a young boy named August “Auggie” Pullman (Jacob Tremblay) who
must learn to fit into a world where he doesn’t feel he belongs due to a medical condition that
leaves his face deformed. This film offers many opportunities to explore self, facework, self-
disclosure, and attachment styles.
Lady Bird (2017, 94 mins) is a film about a teenage girl (Saoirse Ronan) and her relationship
with her strong-willed mother (Laurie Metcalf). This film offers a deeply complex look at
78
teenage angst, mother-daughter relationships, and the struggles teens (and mothers) face in
regard to self-esteem, self-acceptance, and family relationships.
Hancock (2008, 93 minutes) tells the story of a reckless and hated superhero, John Hancock,
played by Will Smith, who is coached by a public relations expert to improve his image. The
film is an excellent depiction of self-esteem, self-discrepancy theory, and self-presentation.
Lars and the Real Girl (2007, 106 minutes) is a film about Lars (Ryan Gosling), a young
man who, because of early family experiences, has difficulty with any level of intimacy as an
adult. Lars creates a relationship with a life-sized, anatomically correct doll he orders online
and introduces to his brother, coworkers, and townspeople as his girlfriend. Aware of Lars’s
difficulties, everyone responds to the doll as though she were real, and, as time passes, Lars
begins interacting with more people. This film offers a vivid example of fearful attachment
anxiety resulting from family experience.
The Pursuit of Happyness (2006, 109 minutes) is set in 1981 San Francisco and is based on
the true story of the efforts made by Chris Gardener (played by Will Smith) to improve life
for himself and his 5-year-old son, Christopher (played by Smith’s real-life son, Jayden
Smith). We see Chris struggle through an unpaid internship at a brokerage firm while he and
his son become homeless. The film offers a good opportunity to examine how Smith’s
character maintains the mask of a successful broker while destitute. The film also explores
self-presentation and the tensions between ought self and ideal self.
Precious (2010, 109 minutes) is based on the novel Push by Sapphire. Precious (Gabourey
Sibide) is a poor, illiterate, overweight teenager who is pregnant for the second time (by her
father). Her home life is unimaginable—she is abused physically and psychologically by her
mother (Mo’Nique) —and her future looks bleak. A nurturing and supportive teacher from
the alternative school in which Precious enrolls provides encouragement for Precious to make
something of herself. While the film is often difficult to watch, it contains several useful
examples of how positive and negative messages are internalized, impacting self-concept.
Elf (2003, 95 minutes) tells the story of Buddy (Will Ferrell), a young orphan who is raised
to believe he is an elf. When Buddy discovers he is not really an elf, he goes on a journey to
New York City to find his true identity. Several clips from the film can be used to illustrate
how communication, specifically through social comparison, shapes the lead character’s
identity.
Almost Famous (2000, 122 minutes) is about a high school boy given an opportunity to write
a story for Rolling Stone magazine about a 1970s rock band and their groupies. In one scene,
the band’s tour plane is caught in a terrible storm and it appears death is imminent. Facing
this prospect, several members of the band engage in self-disclosure, revealing secrets and
feelings they had previously kept hidden. This scene demonstrates characteristics of self-
disclosure, such as reciprocity and the irreversibility of communication.
79
Shrek (2001, 90 minutes) is about an ogre who becomes an unlikely hero and rescues a
princess who is more than she appears at first glance. The movie applies aspects of social
penetration theory. Ogres (and people) are like onions, as Shrek explains in this clip:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bMcXVe8zIs.
Silver Linings Playbook (2012, 122 minutes). An unexpected romantic relationship forms
between two emotionally challenged people. As is sometimes the case, the act of sharing
information a partner finds inappropriate and perplexing can undermine intimacy. Pat
(Bradley Cooper) almost drives away his love interest Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence) by
disclosing too much too soon.
WEB RESOURCES
Self Concept
https://www.uen.org/lessonplan/view/29132
This website created by the Utah Education Network offers several resources for teachers and
students to learn about self-concept and self-esteem and how they relate to understandings of
the self.
Psychology Today: “Why You Might Share More Intimately Online”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-therapy/201406/why-you-might-share-
more-intimately-online
This article notes that self-disclosure is a fundamental feature of social interaction and
explores the ways in which social media has shaped how we disclosure personal information.
About Face
www.about-face.org
About Face is an advocacy organization that promotes self-esteem in women from all walks
of life through media education and outreach. The website contains a Top Ten gallery of
companies whose media advertisements diminish and degrade women and their self-esteem,
as well as companies whose advertisements support a more accepting vision of body image
and self-esteem.
BBC News: “Magazines ‘Harm Male Body Image’”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7318411.stm
Research suggests that young men may be psychologically harmed by the images of perfect
male physiques that are found in men’s magazines. This article discusses how these pictures
impact one’s body image.
“Bic Pens for Women”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCyw3prIWhc
A humorous monologue and commercial from the Ellen show about Bic Pens for women.
80
MentalHelp.net: Self-Esteem
http://mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=96&cn=96
MentalHelp.net is a website designed and maintained by clinical psychologists for the
purpose of educating the public about mental health, wellness, and relationship issues. This
page on self-esteem contains basic information on self-esteem and depression, plus tips for
improving self-esteem and changing negative thoughts.
Psychology Today: Gender Roles Test
http://www.psychologytoday.com/tests/personality
Psychology Today offers tests for men and women to assess how they view gender roles.
Susan Boyle’s First Appearance on Britain’s Got Talent
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk
In this clip from Britain’s Got Talent, the judges and audience scoff at Susan Boyle during
her audition, based on her unassuming appearance. They are subsequently shocked at how
talented she is. This clip provides a useful example of how first impressions are often
incorrect, and how the feedback from others can shape one’s self-esteem.
Dove Real Beauty Sketches
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=litXW91UauE.
In 2010, the Dove company launched a campaign to improve the self-esteem of women
throughout the globe. This clip demonstrates how our self-perceptions sometimes differ from
others.
“In Changing America, Gay Masculinity Has ‘Many Different Shades’“
http://www.npr.org/2014/08/22/339831032/in-changing-america-gay-masculinity
-has-many-different-shades
This 2014 podcast from NPR examines the changing landscape of gay masculinity and
identity.
“5 Minutes of What the Media Actually Does to Women”
http://www.upworthy.com/5-minutes-of-what-the-media-actually-does-to-women-8?c=upw1
This five minute trailer for “Killing Us Softly 4” effectively demonstrates how the media
portrays women.
Interactive Johari Window
http://kevan.org/johari
This web page allows students to create a personalized Johari Window, mapping qualities
they believe describe themselves against qualities their friends and family choose to describe
them. After picking five or six terms to describe themselves, students send their personalized
81
web link to family and friends, who will pick five or six terms to describe the student. The
result is mapped out on the student’s personalized Johari Window.
PostSecret
http://www.postsecret.com/
Run by Frank Warren, this website presents a collection of anonymous secrets mailed into the
site via postcards. The site is updated every Sunday, and there are several coffee-table books
featuring past submissions. You might visit this site in class (or have students do so outside
of class), then discuss the types of secrets that are revealed and the motivations for keeping
them secret. A word of caution: Some of the postcards contain “colorful” language and
images.
MUSIC RECOMMENDATIONS
The following music examples have been included for illustrating interpersonal
communication concepts addressed in this chapter. It is recommended that the instructor
preview songs before using them, as some contain adult language. Each instructor must
decide what is appropriate for his or her class.
“Self Disclosure” performed by Decedy
“Be Yourself” performed by Audioslave
“Little Plastic Castle” performed by Ani DiFranco
“The Greatest Love of All,” performed by Whitney Houston
“At Seventeen,” performed by Janis Ian
“Hold On,” performed by Wilson Phillips
“What Doesn’t Kill You (Stronger),” performed by Kelly Clarkson
“Could You,” performed by Morgan Visconti
“Try,” performed by Colbie Callait
“Video,” performed by India.Arie
“Pretty Hurts,” performed by Beyoncé
“All About That Bass” performed by Meghan Trainor
82
Chapter 2: Considering Self
Lecture Outline
I. The self is an evolving composite of self-awareness, self-concept, and self-esteem.
A. The first component of self is self-awareness—the ability to view yourself as a
unique person distinct from your surrounding environment and to reflect on your
thoughts, feelings, and behaviors; it is a process of turning the lens on yourself and
examining the image you see.
1. One way we develop a sense of self is by monitoring our own behaviors and
forming impressions of who we are from such observations.
2. A greater sense of self develops as we observe and assign meaning to others’
behaviors and then compare it with our behavior, a process known as social
comparison.
3. You can greatly enhance your self-awareness and, ultimately, your interpersonal
communication skills by practicing critical self-reflection. Learn to ask five
questions about your communication behavior:
a. What am I thinking and feeling?
b. Why am I thinking and feeling this way?
c. How am I communicating?
d. How are my thoughts and feelings influencing my communication?
e. How can I improve my thoughts, feelings, and communication?
B. The second component of self is your self-concept, your overall perception of who
you are; while self-awareness is your ability to focus a lens upon yourself, self-
concept is the picture taken through that lens.
1. Your self-concept is based on the beliefs, attitudes, and values you have about
yourself.
a. Beliefs are convictions that certain things are true.
b. Attitudes are evaluative appraisals.
c. Values represent enduring principles that guide your interpersonal actions.
2. Your self-concept is shaped by a host of factors, including your family, friends,
gender, and culture.
3. One of the biggest influences on your self-concept is how you think others see
you. Cooley (1902) referred to this phenomenon as the looking-glass self. For
example, do you think others see you as attractive? Talented? Athletic?
4. Self-concept clarity is the degree to which you have a clearly defined, consistent,
and enduring sense of self; because your self-concept consists of deeply held
beliefs, attitudes, and values, changing it is difficult.
5. Our self-concept often leads us to make self-fulfilling prophecies—predictions
about future interactions that lead us to behave in ways that ensure the interaction
83
motion, while others set negative events in motion.
C. The third component of self is self-esteem, the overall value we assign to ourselves.
This evaluation can be positive or negative. Your self-esteem strongly shapes your
interpersonal communication, relationships, and physical and mental health.
1. Self-discrepancy theory suggests that your self-esteem is determined by how
you think about yourself along the lines of two mental standards.
a. The first is your ideal self, comprising the characteristics you want to possess.
b. The second is your ought self, the person others (i.e., family, friends, society)
wish and expect you to be; this is your “should” or “supposed to be” self from
the viewpoint of others.
c. Self-discrepancy theory maintains that self-esteem improves as we reduce
discrepancies between our ideal and ought selves.
2. Your self-esteem can start to improve only when you reduce discrepancies
between your ideal and ought selves. Methods of achieving this goal include the
following:
a. Assessing your self-concept
b. Analyzing your ideal self
c. Analyzing your ought self
d. Revisiting and redefining your standards
e. Creating an action plan for resolving any self-discrepancies
f. Diversifying your investments in your self by pursuing multiple interests and
activities.
3. Focus on Culture: How Does the Media Shape Your Self-Esteem?
a. Standards informing our ideal and ought selves are shaped by the media.
b. Although the media present digitally enhanced images, we are prone to
compare ourselves with such images.
c. The internalization of such standards can contribute to low self-esteem.
II. Gender, family experiences, and cultural factors are three outside sources that also
shape our sense of self.
A. Gender is the composite of social, psychological, and behavioral attributes that a
particular culture associates with an individual’s biological sex and that
characterize us as male or female.
1. Gender differs from biological sex, the physical characteristics with which we
are born, in that gender is largely learned, or constructed through our social
interactions.
2. Immediately after birth, we begin a lifelong process of gender socialization,
learning from others what it means to be “male” or female.”
3. Through the socialization process we develop our gender identity, our innate
sense of ourselves as a boy, man, or male; girl, woman, or female; or another
variation such as gender-neutral or gender-nonconforming.
4. Boys are often taught masculine behaviors (e.g., assertiveness, competitiveness,
independence), whereas girls may be taught feminine behaviors (e.g.,
compassion, nurturance, sensitivity).
B. Early family experiences affect how we come to see ourselves and shape our beliefs
regarding the functions, rewards, and dependability of interpersonal relationships.
1. These beliefs help shape two dimensions of our thoughts, feelings, and
behavior: attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance.
a. Attachment anxiety is the degree to which a person fears rejection by
relationship partners.
b. Attachment avoidance is the degree to which someone desires close
interpersonal ties.
2. Four attachment styles derive from these two dimensions.
a. Individuals with secure attachment have low anxiety and avoidance
regarding relationships with others, seek closeness, and have confidence in
their abilities to handle problems.
b. Individuals with preoccupied attachment are high in anxiety and low in
avoidance. They desire closeness but are plagued with fear of rejection.
They may use sexual contact to satisfy their need to feel loved.
c. Individuals with dismissive attachment have low anxiety but high
avoidance. They view close relationships as comparatively unimportant,
instead prizing and prioritizing self-reliance.
d. Individuals with fearful attachment are high in both attachment anxiety
and avoidance. They fear rejection and tend to shun relationships. They may
develop a relationship only if there is a guarantee that their partners must
rely on them; but even then, they will still harbor doubts.
C. Culture is the third outside source of self. Culture is an established, coherent set of
beliefs, attitudes, values, and practices shared by a large group of people.
1. Culture may include nationality as well as ethnicity, religion, gender, sexual
orientation, physical and mental ability levels, and even age.
3. The various cultures to which we belong sometimes clash.
III. Whenever we communicate with others, we present our self to them. Sometimes we
present a public self that mirrors our private self, and sometimes we do not.
A. Your public self—your face—is how you want others to see and know you; you
actively create and present your face through communication.
B. A mask is a public self designed to strategically veil one’s private self.
1. Masks can be subtle, dramatic, or crafted to inflate our abilities.
2. We often form a strong emotional attachment to our face because it represents
the person we most want others to see.
3. Sometimes after we’ve created a certain face, we reveal information that
contradicts it, causing us to lose face. This is known as embarrassment.
a. You can maintain your face by engaging in communication and behaviors
85
b. You can remedy an embarrassing situation (restore your face) by
acknowledging that the event happened, accepting responsibility for your
actions, and apologizing, if necessary.
C. Revealing private information about your self to others is known as self-disclosure.
1. According to the interpersonal process model of intimacy, the closeness
we feel toward others in our relationships is created through two things: self-
disclosure and responsiveness of listeners.
2. Four practical implications flow from this model:
a. You can’t have intimacy in a relationship without disclosure and
supportiveness
b. If listeners are nonsupportive after a disclosure, the impact on
intimacy can be devastating.
c. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone does not mean you
have an intimate relationship; intimacy only exists when both people
are sharing and supporting each other.
d. Not all disclosures boost intimacy.
3. Research studies suggest five important facts regarding self-disclosure:
a. In any culture, people vary widely in the degree to which they self-
disclose.
b. People across cultures differ in their self-disclosure.
c. People disclose more quickly, broadly, and deeply when interacting
online than when interacting face-to-face. To help ensure competent
online disclosure you should do the following:
i. Disclose information slowly and with caution,
ii. Remember that online communication is both public and
permanent.
d. Self-disclosure appears to promote mental health and relieve stress.
e. Contrary to stereotypes, both men and women disclose deeply and
broadly.
IV. Developing strong relationships is dependent on making our selves known to others.
This isn’t easy. Exposing yourself to others can make you feel vulnerable, provoking
uneasiness between how much to reveal versus how much to veil.
A. Social penetration theory explains how we reveal our self in layers. The social
penetration model draws an analogy between the self and an onion.
1. At the outermost, peripheral layers of self are demographic characteristics such
as birthplace, age, gender, and ethnicity.
2. At the intermediate layers reside attitudes and opinions.
3. The deepest levels are the central layers, which include core characteristics such
as self-awareness, self-concept, self-esteem, and personal values, traits, and fears.
B. You develop closer relationships by revealing more personal aspects of your self
to others.
1. Breadth is the number of different aspects of self each partner reveals at each
2. Depth involves how deeply into one another’s self the partners have
penetrated.
3. The rate at which social penetration occurs in relationships isn’t consistent.
The speed with which people grant another access to the broader and deeper
aspects of their selves depends on a variety of factors.
4. Intimacy (a feeling of closeness and “union” that exists between us and our
partners) increases the more we penetrate into each other’s selves.
C. Another means of thinking about how we manage revealing ourselves in
relationships is the Johari Window, which suggests that some aspects, or
quadrants, of our selves are open to self-reflection and sharing with other people,
while others remain hidden—both to ourselves and to others.
1. During the early stages of a relationship our hidden area is relatively large
compared with the public area. We reveal information that was previously hidden
in order to become better acquainted with others.
2. Yet the unknown and blind areas remain fairly stable.
3. To improve ourselves, we must learn to see into our blind area and then
address the aspects within it that contribute to incompetent communication and
relationship challenges.
V. Competent self-disclosure involves skills that can be developed and improved.
A. Consider the following recommendations for competently communicating your
self to others:
1. Know yourself. Before disclosing, make sure that you are ready and certain
about the aspects of yourself that you are going to reveal.
2. Know your audience. Think about how others will perceive your disclosure
and how it will impact their thoughts and feelings about you.
3. Don’t force others to self-disclose. Simply state your willingness and
availability to listen to the other.
4. Avoid gender stereotypes. Some men more readily disclose than do some
women.
5. Be sensitive to cultural differences. When interacting with people from
different backgrounds, disclose gradually.
6. Go slowly. Share intermediate and central aspects of yourself gradually and
only after thorough discussion of peripheral information.
B. How you present your self online is very important in our technology-dominated
world. This includes everything from what you say online to the images you post
and even what others say about you.
1. Presenting yourself online provides unique benefits and challenges.
a. A major benefit of online interaction is the ability to control the information
you share with others. For example, many people present themselves in ways
87
b. A drawback is that online presentation makes it easier to deceive—to
represent your self differently from who you actually are. The authenticity of
someone’s self-presentation is difficult to assess without meeting in person.
c. Warranting value is the level of trustworthiness of someone’s online self–
description, as determined by whether or not it can be verified by others.
2. You can improve your online self-presentation in several ways:
a. Select an appropriate screen name.
b. Make wise choices about the words and images you use.
c. Beware of allowing content on your web page that diminishes your self-
image.
d. Routinely search for what others are posting online about you.
i. Modify your online self-presentation if it fails the interview test.
3. Current and future employers may use the Internet to “research” you, so make
sure your online self-presentation matches what you want them to see.
C. Making Relationship Choices: Workplace Self-Disclosure. Workplace
connections are essential to happiness and success on the job. But they can also be
tricky, especially when it comes to disclosing personal information.
1. Imagine that you are having a workplace romance, against your company’s
policy. You tell Jonathan, another one of your coworkers and your long-time
friend, about your romantic relationship. The next day, your manager learns about
your romance and fires you.
2. Do you think it was a good idea to disclose your romantic relationship to
Jonathan? How would you have handled the situation?
3. Reflect on yourself and on Jonathan’s perspective.
4. Determine the optimal outcome and the roadblocks to achieving the outcome.
5. Use the concepts of face, mask, openness, and the recommendations for
competent self-disclosure in charting your course.