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281
Chapter 13: Relationships with Friends
Instructor Resources
OBJECTIVES
• Understand how friendships are unique and distinct.
• Identify the various types of friendships you’ll experience.
• Develop communication strategies that maintain vibrant friendships.
• Develop strategies for overcoming friendship challenges.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. The textbook presents research to indicate that the relative importance of friendship changes
through our lives. What is the nature of this evolution, and does it match your experience of
friendships?
2. What kind of impacts do communication technologies—such as e-mail, texting, and
Facebook—have on the way you start and manage friendships today? Would you describe
online friendships as communal or agentic?
3. How many of you have a close friend of the opposite sex? In what ways do the challenges
stated in the chapter affect your friendship?
• The challenges include the fact that children are often segregated by sex, making it
difficult to gain experience with cross-sex friendships. Have the students discuss the
circumstances under which their cross-sex friendships started. How did they meet? What
factors catalyzed the friendship?
7. As in other relationships, betrayal within a friendship often leads to an overwhelming sense
of relationship devaluation and loss. In your opinion, what qualifies as an act of friendship
betrayal? How can you manage friendship betrayal when it occurs?
f. ending or repairing your friendship.
THINK PAIR SHARE
Think Pair Share prompts support the active engagement of students in the learning experience.
The prompts can be particularly useful in punctuating the lecture presentation of chapter
concepts.
1. What do you consider to be the most important characteristics of friendship? How is this
reflected in your current or past friendships?
2. Identify a friend whom you would describe as a communal friend. Now, identify a friend
who could be described as an agentic friend. Explain your reasoning.
3. Which strategies of friendship maintenance do you find you already employ? Which
strategies can you improve on?
4. Provide three examples of how you support a friend’s valued social identities.
5. How have your friends supported you during big life changes?
6. Singer/musician John Lennon once noted, “it takes a long time to grow an old friend.” What
do you think he meant by that?
JOURNAL PROMPTS
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1. What are some examples of communal friends and agentic friends that you have? How do
you communicate differently with the two types of friends? Use examples to illustrate your
response.
2. The textbook says that friendships are less stable, more likely to change, and easier to break
off than family or romantic relationships. Do you agree? Why or why not?
3. Think of your network of friends. What conversational topics are “off limits” with some
friends but acceptable for discussion with other friends? How do these different
communication boundaries help or hinder the quality of these friendships?
4. Make a list of your valued social identities, and provide examples of how your friends support
these identities. Do you have any valued social identities that your friends do not support? If
so, how do you manage this?
5. Complete the Self-Quiz: “What Kind of Friend Are You?” on LaunchPad. What is your
reaction to your score? What actions could you take to foster even greater closeness and
trustworthiness with your friends?
6. Complete the Self-Quiz: “Friendship Distance-Durability” on LaunchPad. Do you agree with
the results? Can you think of friendships that have and have not survived geographic
separation? What factors allowed you to maintain the long-distance friendships?
7. In 2009, the New Oxford American Dictionary declared unfriend as the “word of the year.”
What behaviors or actions would cause you to unfriend someone? If you performed these
same behaviors or actions, would one of your friends unfriend you?
8. Assume you are an advice columnist for your college newspaper. One of your readers needs
tips on how to manage a “friends-with-benefits” relationship. What would you tell him?
EXPERIENTIAL ACTIVITIES
Exercise: Celebrate Friendship Day
Background: In 1935, the United States Congress proclaimed the first Sunday in August as
National Friendship Day.
Directions:
1. Divide the class into small groups of four or five people.
2. Have each group brainstorm a list of ideas and activities that could be used to celebrate
“National Friendship Day.”
3. Regroup the class and discuss the findings of each group.
Exercise: Social Media Use as Friendship Maintenance
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Objective: To examine the role of social media in the maintenance of long-distance friendships
Directions:
2. Next, have students do an assessment of their social media use for each long-distance
friendship. Use the following questions to guides students’ observations:
a. What types of social media do you use most to keep in contact with your
friend(s)?
b. How often do you communicate using each type of social media (e.g., daily,
weekly, once a month, etc.)?
c. What is the general content of your communication?
d. What types of miscommunication, if any, have occurred due to your social media
use?
3. Finally, have students assess their overall satisfaction with the relationship. Do they feel
more or less connected to their long-distance friendships because of social media? What
can the students’ experiences with social media and long-distance friendships tell us
about our ability to maintain satisfying long-distance friendships?
VIDEO RECOMMENDATIONS
The Edge of Seventeen (2016, 104 minutes) is a film about high school junior Nadine (Hailee
Steinfeld) and the difficulties she faces making friends in high school. Her brother Darian, a
popular all-star who has always overshadowed Nadine, starts dating her best friend—her only
friend. As Nadine deals with issues of trust, betrayal, loneliness, and the possibility of losing her
only friend, she finds an unexpected friendship in a boy. This film offers opportunities to
examine friendship rules, maintenance strategies, and cross-sex versus same-sex friendships.
Christopher Robin (2018, 120 minutes). This film is an adaptation of Disney’s Winnie the Pooh,
where Winnie the Pooh and friends reunite with Christopher Robin who is now an adult. The
film offers a look into friendships between people (and characters) of vastly different
backgrounds, childhood friendships, and the magic of rediscovering long-lost friendships. There
are also opportunities to examine the functions and defining characteristics of friendships across
the lifespan.
Going in Style (2017, 96 minutes) follows three lifelong friends—Willie (Morgan Freeman), Joe
(Michael Caine), and Albert (Alan Arkin)—as they forgo the easy life of retirement and instead
use their retirement funds to go on a daring adventure. The movie paints a wonderful picture of
friendship and life after 60, and offers opportunities to examine what it really means to be best
friends.
286
About a Boy (2002, 101 minutes) is a dark comedy about the odd and enduring friendship that
emerges between a shallow playboy (Hugh Grant) and a young misfit. The movie depicts
friendship rules as well as the complex and evolving nature of family.
“The Friendship Algorithm” (The Big Bang Theory, 2009, Season 2, Episode 13) is a 2009
episode of the sitcom The Big Bang Theory in which Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons) attempts to
make friends with a despised colleague, hoping the friendship will get him access to a coveted
computer in the lab. This is an extreme and satirical version of an agentic friendship.
Bridesmaids (2011, 124 minutes) is about Annie (Kristen Wiig), a romantically unattached,
professionally unsuccessful baker who fears she is losing her best friend, Lillian (Maya
Rudolph). Lillian has just become engaged, and Annie’s anxieties deepen when Lillian grows
close to Helen (Rose Byrne), a wealthy new friend who quickly assumes control of planning all
the pre-wedding festivities. This outrageous comedy illustrates the challenges of maintaining
friendships.
The Bucket List (2007, 97 minutes) is the name for a wish list of things to do before dying,
created by two men who are terminally ill with cancer. The main characters, Edward (Jack
Nicholson) and Carter (Morgan Freeman), meet as hospital patients, then begin an around-the-
world trip in spite of the objections of Carter’s wife. As they build their friendship, Carter learns
that Edward is estranged from his daughter and her family. The competing demands of family
and friends play out in this film of communal friendship.
50/50 (2011, 101 minutes). Adam (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is a 27-year-old writer who discovers
he has a rare form of spinal cancer. With the support of his best friend Kyle (Seth Rogen), he is
forced to confront his situation and determine what is most important in life. This film is useful
for examining emotions, friendship rules, and relational maintenance.
Friends with Benefits (2011, 109 minutes) follows Dylan (Justin Timberlake) and Jamie (Mia
Kunis), two young professionals who are too busy for relationships. The pair begin a physical
relationship with no strings attached, so the film is useful for examining the emotional challenges
of FWB relationships.
Gallipoli (1981, 110 minutes) is an unflinching antiwar movie that, at its core, tells a story of
male friendship. Starring a young Mel Gibson, the film provides useful examples of communal
friendship and friendship rules.
Grumpy Old Men (1993, 103 minutes) stars Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon as elderly
widowers who live next door to one another and maintain a rivalry that includes childish pranks
and insults. Despite this, their friendship seems strong at moments of extreme crisis. Both men
are shown defying every one of the rules of friendship.
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How to Train Your Dragon (2010, 98 minutes) is an animated action-fantasy film that takes
place in a mythical Viking world where a young Viking teenager aspires to become a dragon
slayer. When he finally captures his first dragon he discovers that he no longer wants to kill it
and instead befriends it. This film is useful for examining friendship rules and relational
maintenance.
I Love You Man (2009, 105 minutes) is a romantic comedy that focuses on the “bromance”
between Peter (Paul Rudd) and Sydney (Jason Segel). This film is useful for examining
friendship rules and relational maintenance.
Jerry Maguire (1996, 138 minutes) is a portrait of the relationship between Jerry Maguire (Tom
Cruise), a sports agent, and his only client, Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.), a professional
football player. The film blends light, comedic moments with more serious interpersonal themes,
including the challenges of being a single parent and the different dynamics of agentic and
communal friendships.
Say Anything . . . (1989, 100 minutes) stars John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler, a mediocre student
who, to the astonishment of his friends, begins a romantic relationship with the beautiful school
valedictorian, Diane Court (Ione Skye). Diane is an only child raised by her father, who does not
want Diane involved with Lloyd. As noted by its title, the film centers on the tension of openness
versus protection and illustrates the dialectic of autonomy versus connection. As their romance
grows and comes apart, Lloyd frequently consults his male and female friends, and the
communication contrasts are both humorous and striking.
Superbad (2007, 113 minutes). High school seniors Evan (Michael Cera) and Seth (Jonah Hill)
have been best friends since childhood. As “outsiders,” they have few other friends and have
done everything together by themselves. Their plans to be roommates at college fail when they
are not accepted to their college of choice. This comedic film is useful for examining friendship
rules and relational maintenance.
When Harry Met Sally (1989, 96 minutes) is a romantic comedy in which Harry (Billy Crystal)
asserts that a nonsexual friendship between a man and a woman is impossible. His cross-sex
friend, Sally (Meg Ryan), disagrees. The film tracks the couple over several years as they
attempt to define their relationship. The central issue raised in this romantic comedy is the
challenge of platonic friendship.
WEB RESOURCES
Effective Communication Between Friends
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https://www.livestrong.com/article/142738-effective-communication-between-friends/
This article explores the foundation for strong, healthy friendships where communication is key.
Just Between Friends
https://www.ohio.edu/research/communications/Friendship.cfm
This article focuses on communication scholar William Rawlins and his research on friendships
and what distinguishes them from other types of relationships
Intercultural Friends Foundation
http://www.iffusa.org/
The IFF is a nonprofit organization dedicated to cultivating opportunities for young people to
build friendships around the world, and the organization’s website explains these opportunities.
“Friends with Benefits”
www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1952884
This 2004 installment of National Public Radio’s Talk of the Nation features a discussion of the
“friends-with-benefits” trend, including comments from four experts on FWB relationships. The
audio program can be downloaded from this page of NPR’s website.
“Dads: Helping Boys Form Deep Friendships”
http://www.npr.org/2011/09/13/140429850/dads-helping-boys-form-deep-friendships
This NPR story discusses Niobe Way’s book Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of
Connection, in which the author contends that boys want deep friendships with each other, but
are often prevented from pursuing these relationships because of Western ideas of masculinity.
Friends with Benefits Research
http://friendswithbenefitsresearch.blogspot.com/
This site provides research data and other information about FWB relationships, conducted by
two psychologists at Deakin University in Australia.
“Don’t Believe Facebook; You Only Have 150 Friends”
http://www.npr.org/2011/06/04/136723316/dont-believe-facebook-you-only-have-150-friends
This NPR article discusses “Dunbar’s Number,” the theory that human beings can only maintain
a network of about 150 close friends.
“Do We Choose Our Friends Because They Share Our Genes?”
http://www.npr.org/blogs/health-shots/2014/07/14/331354227/do-we-choose-our-friends-
because-they-share-our-genes
This 2014 NPR podcast examines how friends are “genetically” alike.
289
“What Are Friends For? A Longer Life”
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/21/health/21well.html?_r=0
This 2009 New York Times article examines the connection between physical health and
friendship.
“Friends Wanted”
http://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/01/cover-friends.aspx
This article from the American Psychological Association examines the health risks of loneliness
and the benefits of friends.
“Friends”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/friends
This site provides a compilation of articles from Psychology Today on friendship.
MUSIC RECOMMENDATIONS
The following music examples have been included for illustrating interpersonal communication
concepts addressed in this chapter. It is recommended that the instructor preview songs before
using them, as some contain adult language. Each instructor must decide what is appropriate for
his or her class.
“Friends,” performed by Anne-Marie
“Friend Crush,” performed by Friends
“Best Friend,” performed by Sofi Tukker
“Real Friends,” performed by Camila Cabello
“Ruin the Friendship,” performed by Demi Lovato
“Summer Friends,” performed by Chance the Rapper
“Friends,” performed by Justin Bieber and Bloodpop
“True Friend,” performed by Miley Cyrus
“That’s What Friends Are For,” performed by Dionne and Friends
“Graduation (Friends Forever),” performed by Vitamin C
“I’ll Be There for You,” performed by the Rembrandts
“Anytime You Need a Friend,” performed by Mariah Carey
“You’re a Friend of Mine,” performed by Clarence Clemons and Jackson Browne
“Umbrella,” performed by Rihanna
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Chapter 13: Relationships with Friends
Lecture Outline
I. Friendships are voluntary interpersonal relationships characterized by intimacy and liking.
No matter the closeness or duration, all friendships share distinguishing characteristics:
A. Friendship is voluntary, in that we choose our friends.
B. Friendship is driven by shared interests; when our interests and activities change, so do
our friendships.
C. Friendship is characterized by reciprocal self-disclosure.
D. Friendship is rooted in liking, in that we feel affection and respect for our friends.
E. Friendship is volatile, in that friendships are less stable, more likely to change, and easier
to end than family or romantic relationships, which have deeper emotional roots.
II. Friendships serve at least two different functions in our lives: our need for companionship and
our ability to achieve practical goals. These functions are not mutually exclusive, as many
friendships facilitate both functions.
A. Friendships focusing primarily on sharing time, activities, and emotional support are
known as communal friendships.
B. Friendships in which the parties focus primarily on helping each other achieve practical
goals are known as agentic friendships.
C. The importance we attribute to friendship varies.
1. We value friendships differently as we age. For instance, during adolescence, children
slowly transfer their emotional attachment from their family to friends.
2. As we get older, the importance of friendship begins to wane especially for middle-
aged adults; late in life, however, friendships are the most important relationships.
D. Culture and gender are important factors in how friendship is expressed.
1. Male and female same-sex friendships are more similar than they are different.
2. Euro-American men, unlike women, avoid direct expressions of affection with other
males, owing to homophobia, traditional gender roles, and general reluctance to show
emotion.
3. In other cultures, such as Spain and Indonesia, men and women look to their same-sex
friends as their primary source of intimacy.
III. Communication technologies have reshaped the way people create friendships.
A. Friendships can be formed quickly and with more people; however, just because someone
is your “social media friend” doesn’t necessarily mean the person is a “real” friend.
B. By forming online friendships, people with chronic shyness can gain social and emotional
support without suffering the anxiety that direct face-to-face contact may cause.
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offline relationships and communication.
IV. There are many types of friendships that populate our lives. For instance, there is a difference
between close friends, people with whom you exchange personal information and share
interests, and best friends.
A. Best friends share five distinguishing factors.
1. They are typically same-sex rather than cross-sex.
3. They listen to each other’s problems without judgment.
5. The most important factor is that they provide unwavering identity support, behaving
in ways that convey understanding, acceptance, and support for a friend’s valued
social identities.
a. Valued social identities are the aspects of your public self that you deem most
important in defining who you are.
B. There are several types of cross-category friendships.
1. Cross-sex friendships between men and women in the United States have increased
over the past several years. Most are not motivated by sexual attraction.
a. People face several challenges in building platonic (nonsexual) cross-sex friendships.
i. Through early childhood experiences, men and women usually segregate
themselves, limiting opportunities to build cross-sex friendships.
ii. American society promotes same-sex friendships and cross-sex coupling as the
most acceptable relationships; therefore, cross-sex friends may feel pressure from
family and friends to abandon the friendship or convert it to a romance.
2. Cross-orientation friendships are those between lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered,
or queer (LGBTQ) people and straight men or women.
a. Forming a cross-orientation friendship can help correct negative stereotypes.
b. For LGBTQ persons, having a straight friend can provide emotional and social
support.
c. Due to homophobia, cross-orientation friendships do not occur as frequently in real
life as in movies and television shows.
d. Straight men comprise the group least likely to form cross-orientation friendships.
3. Intercultural friendships involve people from different cultures or countries.
a. Differences in language, cultural beliefs, and negative stereotypes can be
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b. Finding and bolstering ingroup similarities (e.g., sharing tastes in music) can help
overcome these challenges.
4. Interethnic friendships are bonds between people who share the same cultural
background but who are of different ethnic groups.
a. Such friendships boost cultural awareness and commitment to diversity.
b. “Political correctness” can be a barrier to initiating such friendships.
C. Focus on Culture: Cross-Orientation Male Friendships
1. There is little evidence to support the stereotype that gay men cannot refrain from
hitting on their straight male friends.
2. Research indicates that cross-orientation male friendships are often prevented by peer
pressure from friends on both sides (gay friends and straight friends).
3. Straight men often view gay men solely in terms of their sexual orientation, and they
often feel uncomfortable talking about their gay friends’ romantic involvements.
4. Other research indicates that straight and gay men with the closest friendships are
those who have served together in the military.
V. Regardless of the type of friendship, certain strategies are important to maintaining friendship.
A. Successful friendships involve abiding by friendship rules—general principles that
prescribe appropriate communication and behavior within friendship relationships:
1. Show support.
2. Seek support.
3. Respect privacy.
4. Keep confidences.
5. Defend your friends.
6. Avoid public criticism.
7. Make your friends happy.
8. Manage jealousy.
9. Share humor.
10. Maintain equity.
B. Successful friendships involve sharing activities by structuring schedules so friends can
enjoy hobbies, interests, and leisure activities together.
C. Successful friendships involve engaging in ethical, reciprocal self-disclosure of thoughts,
feelings, and daily life events.
VI. Friendships also present us with a variety of challenges.
A. Betrayal is the most commonly reported reason for ending a friendship.
1. Acts of friendship betrayal include breaking confidences, backstabbing, spreading
2. Friendship betrayal often leads to an overwhelming sense of relationship devaluation
and loss.
4. Ask yourself the following questions to help decide whether you can or should repair a
friendship after betrayal:
a. How serious was the betrayal?
b. Did you do something to provoke the betrayal?
c. Do the benefits of continuing the friendship outweigh the costs?
d. Is the betrayal a one-time event or part of a consistent pattern?
e. Does the betrayal reveal something about your friend’s character that you simply
can’t live with?
B. Geographic separation is one of the most intense challenges to a friendship of any kind.
1. Separation prevents both communal and agentic friends from adequately satisfying the
needs that form the foundation of their relationship.
2. Long-distance friendships are more likely to survive when the two people:
a. Feel a particularly strong liking for each other.
b. Accept change as a natural part of life and of their relationship.
c. Have a strong sense of shared history.
3. Maintaining friendships during physical separation can be achieved through:
a. Using technologies such as cell phones, IMs, e-mail, and text messaging to regularly
communicate with long-distance friends.
b. Using these same technologies to remind your long-distance friends that you still
think of them with affection and hold them in high regard.
c. Devoting some of your communication to recounting events and experiences you
have shared in your past, as well as discussing plans for the future.
d. Using communication technologies to show your support for any dramatic life
changes that friends encounter.
C. A third challenge facing friends is attraction to one another beyond friendship: romantic,
sexual, or both.
1. Men typically report more of a desire for romantic involvement with their platonic
friends than women, but attraction within friendships occurs with both genders.
2. Friends who repress attraction use mental management.
3. Studies are mixed on the success of friendships that become romantic relationships, but
two strategies may help encourage a successful transition:
a. Expect difference when the nature of the relationship changes.
b. Offer assurances that you stand by your partner.
4. In “friends-with-benefits” relationships (called FWB relationships), participants
engage in sexual activity, but not with the purpose of transitioning to romance.
a. Although the lack of commitment may be attractive at first, FWB relationships are
challenged when one or both partners develops emotional needs the relationship
cannot satisfy.
VII. Making Relationship Choices: Choosing between Friends
A. Maintaining friendships across time and distance is difficult.
B. Consider a situation where your friend, Karina, has undergone big changes to her values
and social identities. These changes put Karina at odds with other friends who do not
respect the transformation she has undergone. You feel torn between maintaining a
friendship with Karina and with your other friends. How do you handle the situation?
C. Reflect on your thoughts and feelings in this situation as well as those of your friends.
D. Identify the optimal outcome and the roadblocks to achieving the outcome.
E. Chart your course and consider how to maintain friendship with others, considering the
concepts of best friends, betrayal, friendship rules, and identity support.
