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Chapter 12: Relationships with Family Members
Instructor Resources
Objectives
• Identify the defining features and types of family.
• Explain the communication patterns of families.
• Apply communication strategies to maintain healthy family relationships.
• Understand the challenges that families face, and how to manage them.
Discussion Questions
1. One characteristic of families is the development of family identity. This becomes
evident in shared stories and traditions. What are some examples of your family’s
traditions that reflect your family identity?
2. Take some time to brainstorm conversation topics that you regularly discuss when you
are with your family. How does your list compare with that of the person sitting next to
you? What factors differentiate high conversation orientation from low conversation
orientation? Would you describe your family as high conversation oriented or low
conversation oriented?
3. Complete the Self-Quiz: “What Communication Pattern Does Your Family Have?” on
LaunchPad. What does your score suggest about your family communication pattern?
Does your score reflect the family communication pattern you thought you had before
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taking the quiz? Let’s map the class’s results on the board and discuss the meaning of the
4. Maintaining healthy families has become a challenge given the pace of modern life. In
fact, it is unusual for families to sit down to dinner together these days. In what ways do
you use e-mail, text messaging, written notes, or phone calls to communicate with your
family? Does the use of these communication tools maintain relationship health?
5. What experiences do you have in regard to family stories? What is the nature of the birth
stories in your family? Courtship stories? Survival stories? What stories does your family
have that don’t fit the types of stories mentioned in the chapter?
6. What are some examples of family privacy rules? Why are they important?
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7. Some families encounter the challenge of parental favoritism. What are some examples of
favoritism? Have you experienced favoritism in your family or observed it in the family
of someone you know? How might favoritism affect children? What measures can be
taken to deal with parental favoritism?
• Parental favoritism involves one or both parents allocating an unfair amount of
Think Pair Share
Think Pair Share prompts support the active engagement of students in the learning
experience. The prompts can be particularly useful in punctuating the lecture presentation of
chapter concepts.
1. When we talk about a sports team or work group as being “like a family,” which of the
six characteristics of families apply to these situations and which characteristics don’t?
2. Identify examples of families that you know of (or from the media) that represent each of
the family types described in the chapter. How are they all similar and different?
3. What is the difference between conversation orientation and conformity orientation?
How do these concepts relate to each other?
4. Are there any advantages of having a laissez-faire family?
5. Provide an example of how positivity is communicated in your family.
6. How have you balanced your need for autonomy and connection with your family as you
have matured?
Journal Prompts
1. What is a tradition or communication practice that is significant to your family identity?
(This could be a way you celebrate birthdays or a unique way of greeting each other.)
Explain its contribution to your family identity.
2. Do you feel closer to your friends or your family members? Are there certain family
members with whom you do not feel comfortable sharing personal information? Do
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some family members elicit negative reactions? How do you balance your different
feelings for different family members?
3. Think about what type of family you were part of as a child—nuclear, extended,
stepfamily—and consider what made you into a family. Were you joined by blood or
something else? Does growing up with a certain type of family affect your attitudes
toward other types of families? For instance, if you grew up in a nuclear family, do you
regard stepfamilies as “real” families?
4. Consider your satisfaction with your family communication pattern. Does it meet your
needs? Explain. What steps, if any, could you take to change the pattern?
5. What is an example of a family story that is prominent in your family? When is it most
often told? What is the result of the telling?
6. How would you characterize the level of self-disclosure in your family? Do all family
members share their thoughts and feelings with each other? Are some topics taboo? How
do you manage the dialectic of openness versus protection in your family?
7. What were your experiences with your parents’ or caregivers’ approach to balancing
autonomy and connection? Were they “helicopter parents”? Are they still?
8. Complete the Self-Quiz: “How Much Family Favoritism Exists” on LaunchPad. What is
your reaction to the results? Does favoritism really exist or is it simply subjective?
9. In your opinion, have your parents provided a healthy model of conflict management to
imitate or an unhealthy one to avoid? How do you think this influences your
communication?
Experiential Activities
Exercise: Environmental Space and Family Communication
Objective: To examine the role of physical space in family communication.
Directions:
1. Provide students with the Environmental Space and Family Communication Worksheet
and give them 10 to 15 minutes for completion.
2. Have the students discuss the results in small groups of three or four.
3. Debrief the experience by discussing the questions found at the bottom of the worksheet.
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Environmental Space and Family Communication Worksheet
Think of a place in your home where your family spends a lot of time. This could be an
interior or exterior space. Sketch the floor plan in the space below. Include any relevant
furnishings and décor. Also note the places that people usually sit.
Floor Plan Sketch
Now, consider how the location and its furnishings influence your communication. Would
this setting be appropriate for a wide array of communication exchanges? For example,
would this be an appropriate setting to talk about a serious decision you must make? Would
this be a good place to spend time with a guest in your home? What does the use of space say
about your family’s conversation orientation, and its conformity orientation?
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Exercise: Family Stories
Objectives: To disclose and categorize the types of stories existing within families.
Directions:
1 Ask students to bring to class any type of artifact (e.g., photograph, object, certificate, etc.)
that symbolizes a family story they are comfortable telling others.
2. Form groups of four or five students, and within these groups have each person share the
story behind the artifact.
3. Have students classify the stories in accordance with the textbook discussion: courtship,
birth, survival, or other.
Exercise: Creating Your Family Genogram
Objective: To help students visually chart their family type and the history of their families
Directions
1. Ask students to collect information about their family detailing at least two or three
generations. Students will most likely use the legal/biological definition of family
when constructing their genogram.
2. Have students check out the following link for guidance on creating an effective
genogram: https://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Genogram. An effective genogram
project will not only chart who was married to whom, and what children belong to
whom, but it should chart deaths, divorces, remarriages, and other historical
information about family communication interactions.
3. Have students bring their Genogram to class and share with others.
4. Use the following questions to guide your discussion:
• What did you learn about your family from your genogram?
• Did this project elicit any family stories that you weren’t already familiar
with? If so, what stories surprised you?
• What can you learn about your family’s communication patterns from your
genogram?
Video Recommendations
Lion (2016, 120 minutes) tells the story of 5-year-old Saroo, who gets separated from his
family and finds himself thousands of miles away from his home in India. He is adopted by
an Australian couple and raised in a loving adoptive home. Twenty-five years later, with
constant memories of his lost family, he sets out to find his biological family. The film offers
a glimpse into family types (adoptive versus biological), families stories, and the powerful
connection we all have with family.
Stories We Tell (2013, 108 minutes) is a documentary film written and directed by Sarah
Polley as she interviews family members about family secrets. She discovers that the truth of
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her family depends on who’s telling it. This film is a great resource for examining family
stories, family communication patterns, and Communication Privacy Management Theory.
Little Men (2016, 85 minutes). This film follows 13-year-old Jake and his new life in
Manhattan after his parents move him there following his grandfather’s death. Jake meets a
young boy named Tony, who is being raised by his single mother. They become fast friends,
but must eventually learn to navigate the conflict between Jakes’ parents and Tony’s mother.
The film offers opportunities to explore nuclear and single-parent families and their
challenges, in addition to family communication patterns, dialectical tensions, and conflict.
American Teen (2008, 102 minutes) is a documentary that provides an honest look at the
lives of teenagers in high school. The movie follows five students in a school year and
provides insight into the characters’ relationships with their families.
Bend It Like Beckham (2002, 112 minutes) is a film about a young woman whose dream of
playing soccer conflicts with the goals and traditional values of her Indian family. The film
illustrates the influences that gender, cultural orientation, and family expectations have on
relationships, the importance of family stories, and how to balance autonomy and connection
within a family.
The Descendants (2011, 115 minutes). A successful lawyer and land baron (George
Clooney) tries to reconnect with his two daughters after his wife is seriously injured in a
boating accident. The film provides several scenes revolving around privacy management,
conflict, and relational dialectics.
The Family Stone (2005, 103 minutes) depicts Everett Stone (Dermot Mulroney) bringing
his girlfriend, Meredith (Sarah Jessica Parker), home to share Christmas with his parents and
four siblings, who do not receive her warmly. The family communication patterns show a
highly consensual family, offer a glimpse of a gay family, and sharply demonstrate the
tensions of relational dialectics.
Juno (2007, 96 minutes) tells the story of pregnant teenager Juno (Ellen Page), whose
blended family illustrates family communication patterns high in conversation orientation and
low in conformity. As the family helps Juno through her pregnancy, they remain close
because of their quirky blend of positivity, openness, and assurances.
The Kids Are All Right (2010, 104 minutes) is a very modern story in which two teenaged
children seek out their biological father, then introduce him to the supportive family life the
children’s lesbian mothers have built. The film is useful for examining interparental conflict,
protective and pluralistic families, and the dialectic of openness versus protection.
Little Miss Sunshine (2006, 103 minutes) is the story of a blended family making a road trip
from New Mexico to California, crammed together in an aging Volkswagen van, to help 7-
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year-old Olive (Abigail Breslin) compete in a beauty pageant. The personalities and
difficulties of the journey comically illustrate a pluralistic family under tension.
Modern Family (2009–present) is a current TV sitcom offering a “mockumentary” view of
three different families—one is a nuclear family, the second is a stepfamily, and the third
includes gay parents raising an adopted child. The show gently satirizes the trials these
families face in their own unique ways, while emphasizing the supportive bonds of an
extended family.
Web Resources
Work and Family Researchers Network
https://workfamily.sas.upenn.edu/
The WFRN is an international network bringing together interdisciplinary work and family
scholars to advance understanding of work and family-life issues.
National Council on Family Relations
https://www.ncfr.org/
The NCFR is a professional organization for scholars interested in conducting research on the
family. This site provides several different types of resources related to family research,
practice, and education.
Kids Are Alright Whatever the Family Make-Up, So Let Them Be
https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg23631543-300-kids-are-alright-whatever-the-family-
makeup-so-let-them-be/
This article by the New Scientist explores children being brought up in single-parent homes,
as well as heterosexual and same-sex partner homes. The findings show that children in all
types of homes are equally happy and healthy, and argues that family laws need to “catch up”
with the changing family types.
American Family Stories
http://www.americanfamilystories.org
Storyteller Joe McHugh has compiled a collection of several family stories that he gathered
on a journey across America. You can listen to many stories on a range of topics, including
courtship and marriage.
“The Do’s and Don’ts of Communicating with Aging Parents”
http://www.ec-online.net/knowledge/Articles/dosndonts.html
This article by psychologist Mark Edinberg deals with intergenerational issues.
Family Diversity Projects
http://familydiv.org
Family Diversity Projects is a nonprofit organization devoted to creating traveling
photography exhibits that document the diverse meaning of family in America. The exhibits
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feature mixed-race families, gay and lesbian families, families with members who have
mental illness, divorced families, stepfamilies, and many more.
“Helicopter Moms: Helping or Hurting?” (ABC News 20/20)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QctvGpuY7Ck
This story examines how a helicopter mom uses technology to stay close to her two sons at
college.
“Interracial Marriage and the Extended Family”
http://www.npr.org/2012/02/28/147580900/interracial-marriage-and-the-extended-family
This article from NPR examines the increase in interracial marriages, as well as the obstacles
and difficulties some people encounter within their extended families.
“More Blended Families Reject the ‘Step’ Title”
http://www.npr.org/2011/02/09/133625798/More-Blended-Families-Try-To-Shake-Step-Title
This article from NPR examines challenges that blended families experience.
“Why Everyone Loses When Parents Pick Favorites” (ABC News)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLzo6EfMuVo
This clip provides research on differential parenting and the consequences of parental
favoritism on sibling and family dynamics.
MUSIC RECOMMENDATIONS
The following music examples have been included for illustrating interpersonal
communication concepts addressed in this chapter. It is recommended that the instructor
preview songs before using them, as some contain adult language. Each instructor must
decide what is appropriate for his or her class.
“Blended Family,” performed by Alicia Keys
“Family Table,” performed by the Zac Brown Band
“Family,” performed by Popcaan
“Family Portrait,” performed by Pink
“Family,” from the motion picture soundtrack Dreamgirls
“We Are Family,” performed by Sister Sledge
“Because of You,” performed by Kelly Clarkson
“Ode to My Family,” performed by the Cranberries
“The House That Built Me,” performed by Miranda Lambert
“Home,” performed by Dierks Bentley
“You’re Gonna Miss This,” performed by Trace Adkins
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Chapter 12: Relationships with Family Members
Lecture Outline
I. Family is a network of people who share their lives over long periods of time; who are
bound by marriage, blood, or commitment; who consider themselves as family; who
share a significant history; and who anticipate a future together as a family.
A. Families create shared identity through interpersonal communication.
B. Families use communication to define boundaries, both inside the family and in
ways that can distinguish family members from outsiders.
C. The emotional bonds underlying family relationships are intense and complex.
D. Families share a history and a common future.
E. Family members often share genetic material, which can explain personality traits
affecting interpersonal communication.
F. Family members constantly juggle multiple and sometimes competing roles.
II. There are many types of families.
A. A nuclear family comprises a wife, husband, and their biological or legally adopted
children. Formerly the most common family type in North America, today nuclear
families are the minority family type in North America.
B. An extended family consists of relatives—such as aunts, uncles, parents, children,
and grandparents—living together in a common household.
C. A stepfamily results from remarriages for one or both partners, bringing at least one
child who is not the biological offspring of both adults into the household.
D. Cohabiting couples consist of two unmarried, romantically involved adults living
together in a household, with or without children.
E. A single-parent family has only one adult possessing sole responsibility as
caregiver for the child (or children).
F. A voluntary-kin family is a group of people who lack blood and legal kinship, but
who nevertheless consider themselves “family.” There are three types of voluntary–
kin family: supplemental family, substitute family, and convenience family.
III. Family relationships are bolstered through family stories—narrative accounts shared
repeatedly within a family that retell historical events and bond the family together.
A. Family members often collaborate in telling stories by adding details, disagreeing,
correcting discrepancies, and confirming perspectives.
B. Family stories are not always positive—some criticize family values, and actions,
and they may involve histories of abandonment, abuse, or parental oppression.
C. Family stories take numerous forms:
2. Birth stories narrate the latter stages of pregnancy, childbirth, and early infancy
3. Adoptive parents create entrance stories about how and why children joined their
new families.
4. Survival stories relate the coping strategies family members have used to deal
with major challenges (achieving financial independence, fulfilling educational
goals, surmounting wartime trauma, etc.).
D. The creation and telling of such stories promote a sense of family identity.
E. To ensure that family stories strengthen, rather than erode, family relationships,
select experiences that cast the family and individual members in a positive light
and that emphasize unity.
IV. Family communication patterns guide interpersonal communication within families.
A. According to Family Communication Patterns Theory, two dimensions
underscore the communication between family members.
1. Conversation orientation is the degree to which family members are encouraged
to participate in unrestrained interaction about a breadth of topics.
a. Families with a high conversation orientation communicate regularly, freely,
and spontaneously with each other.
b. Families with a low conversation orientation consider interpersonal
communication unnecessary for a satisfying, successful family life. Such
families interact infrequently, stay away from disclosure of intimate thoughts
or debates, and limit their conversations to a few select topics.
2. Conformity orientation is the degree to which families believe communication
should emphasize similarity or diversity in attitudes, beliefs, and values.
a. High conformity families use their interactions to highlight and enforce
uniformity of thought.
b. Low conformity families communicate in ways that emphasize diversity in
attitudes, beliefs, and values.
3. From these two belief sets emerge four possible family communication patterns:
a. Consensual families are high in both conversation and conformity; members
are encouraged to openly share their views, but are expected to steadfastly
share a single viewpoint.
b. Pluralistic families are high in conversation but low in conformity; members
communicate in open and unconstrained ways, but do not try to control other
family member’s beliefs or attitudes.
c. Protective families are low on conversation and high on conformity; members
are expected to be obedient and conform to family norms, while little value is
placed on communication and sharing of ideas.
d. Laissez-faire families are low in both conversation and conformity; members
interact infrequently and display low levels of care, concern, and support
toward family members.
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V. Strategies for maintaining family relationships are important as the family develops
over time. We create our families through how we communicate.
A. Positivity, the most powerful maintenance strategy for families, means
communicating with your family members in an upbeat and hopeful fashion.
B. Assurances are expressions of how much your family means to you.
C. Self-disclosure involves sharing your private thoughts and feelings with family
members and allowing them to do the same without fear of betrayal.
D. Technology provides options for maintaining family ties over distance, at any time,
conveniently; for instance, people report using e-mail to maintain positivity,
provide assurances, and self-disclose (e.g., sharing anxieties).
VI. Within all families, tension exists between competing impulses, known as relational
dialectics. Two relational dialectics are especially pronounced in families: autonomy
versus connection, and openness versus protection.
A. The tension between autonomy and connection in families is especially difficult to
manage during adolescence.
2. As with shared activities and tasks, finding a balance between family
1. According to Communication Privacy Management Theory, people create
2. These boundaries are defined by family privacy rules, the conditions governing
3. Family rules that balance openness and privacy can be managed in three ways:
a. Remember that all families identify both approved and taboo conversational
topics; identify certain viewpoints they promote over others; and identify
people whom they include or exclude from receiving family information.
b. Be respectful of individual differences regarding openness and protection.
c. Use sensitivity when seeking alterations to family rules.
D. Focus on Culture—Autonomy and Class: Helicopter Parents. Some children have
little or no autonomy, even as teenagers and young adults, because their parents
“hover” over all aspects of their lives like helicopters. This is most evident in
middle- to upper-class families.
1. Helicopter parents use various communication technologies to maintain a
constant connection with their children.
2. Lower-income parents, by contrast, tend to allow their children to mature without
a large amount of adult interference.
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VII. Family relationships also face challenges. Three of the most difficult to navigate are
stepfamily transition, parental favoritism, and interparental conflict.
A. The majority of stepfamilies confront challenges including negotiating new family
privacy rules, dealing with discrepancies in conflict management styles, and building
solidarity as a family unit.
B. The most common challenge is triangulation, a loyalty conflict that arises when a
coalition is formed to unite one family member with another against a third person.
1. Two forms of triangulation are common:
a. Children feeling caught between their custodial and noncustodial parents
b. Stepparents feeling caught between the children in their stepfamily
C. To smooth the transition to a stepfamily, try these suggestions:
2. Practice daily maintenance by displaying affection, engaging in everyday talk, and
sharing stories.
4. Avoid triangulating family members.
5. Be patient, and anticipate that new relationship bonds may take time to develop.
1. Parental favoritism has profound and enduring effects.
a. Favored children are more professionally successful and experience greater
satisfaction in adulthood than disfavored children.
b. Siblings from favoritism families feel and express less warmth and closeness,
and they also express more hostility toward one another.
2. Parental favoritism is best managed by regularly practicing positivity, assurances,
and self-disclosure with one’s siblings—favoritism is not the fault of the favored
child, and siblings within favoritism families can still form healthy bonds.
E. Interparental conflict is one of the most potent family challenges.
1. Constant overt, hostile interactions have devastating outcomes for children.
a. Children are likely to imitate their parents’ destructive interaction styles, and
are therefore at greater risk for developing aggressive and delinquent behaviors.
b. Perceptions of trust and love, sexual behaviors, relationship beliefs, and
attitudes toward marriage, cohabitation, and divorce are also impacted.
c. According to the spillover hypothesis, the emotions, affect, and mood from the
parental relationship “spill over” into the broader family, disrupting children’s
sense of emotional security.
2. Interparental conflict can best be managed by understanding the dangers of self-
enhancing thoughts, destructive messages, and serial arguments.
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a. If you’re the child of parents who fight, encourage them to approach their
conflicts more constructively; you can also seek therapy from a reputable
counselor.
b. If you are a parent, realize that everything you say and do spills over into the
emotions and feelings of your children.
VIII. Making Relationship Choices: Struggling with Family Transitions
1. One of the biggest challenges family members face is transitioning from a family
to a stepfamily. When some family members force others to choose between old
and new loyalties, charting a course that will maintain all of the relationships and
make everyone happy can be difficult.
2. Imagine a situation in which your parents divorce because of your father’s cold
manner and his authoritarian need for control. Your mother gains custody of you
and eventually remarries another man, Stephan, who is the opposite of your
biological father. You slowly adjust to your new life, growing to adore Stephan and
appreciating your stepfamily. However, your father remains bitter about your
mother’s marriage to Stephan, and tries to turn you against them. He demands that
you choose between him and Stephan, threatening to sever ties with you unless you
comply.
3. Reflect on your thoughts and feelings in this situation, as well as those of your
mother, your biological father, and your stepfather.
4. Identify the optimal outcome and the roadblocks to achieving the outcome.
5. Chart your course of action, considering issues related to interparental conflict,