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Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004, 108 minutes) explores the benefits and costs
associated with romantic involvement. The principal character, played by Jim Carrey, has all
his memories of a romantic relationship erased, and then comes to realize much of the
relationship’s history was intensely positive. The film, which is discussed in Chapter 10,
illustrates the ways relationships are maintained or undermined, dysfunctional relationship
beliefs, exit strategies, and the hard work of successful love.
(500) Days of Summer (2009, 95 minutes) examines the failed relationship of Tom (Joseph
Gordon-Levitt) and Summer (Zooey Deschanel). The story is told in a non-chronological
format, jumping between various times within the 500-day span of the couple’s relationship.
This film illustrates how gender and perception affect relationship maintenance and
termination.
The Holiday (2006, 138 minutes) is a lighthearted romantic comedy starring Cameron Diaz,
Kate Winslet, Jude Law, and Jack Black as people finding love, dealing with romantic
betrayal, and confronting infidelity.
Hope Springs (2012, 100 minutes). Kay and Arnold (Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones)
are a middle-aged couple whose 30-year marriage has deteriorated. They decide to attend a
week-long counseling session to work on their relationship. This film is useful for examining
relational stages, relational maintenance strategies, and relational dialectics.
Love, Actually (2003, 135 minutes) is a British romantic comedy that intertwines a number of
stories about love relationships, showing several different colors of love, as well as social
exchange theory and the consequences of infidelity.
The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio (2005, 99 minutes) is based on a true story. Evelyn
Ryan (Julianne Moore) helps support her family by submitting winning entries in jingle-
writing contests. Evelyn’s husband, Kelly (Woody Harrelson), drinks heavily and is out of
work, but Evelyn demonstrates the loyalty strategy when responding to her husband’s
criticisms, abuse, and destructive behaviors.
Sex in the City (2008, 151 minutes) is the film spinoff of the popular cable-TV series about
the lives and loves of four women. Betrayal in Carrie’s relationship and infidelity in
Miranda’s contrast sharply with the companionate love in Charlotte’s marriage and the fading
passion in Samantha’s relationship.
When Harry Met Sally (1989, 96 minutes) is a romantic comedy starring Billy Crystal and
Meg Ryan. The movie tracks the on-again/off-again romance of Harry (Crystal) and Sally
(Ryan), who evolve from friends to lovers. The film contrasts liking with loving and offers a
good portrayal of how relationships are maintained and undermined. Furthermore, the film
provides an excellent contrast to the usual stages of relationships, as Harry and Sally bounce
from stage to stage erratically, confused about where their relationship is going.
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Web Resources
Good Genes Are Nice, But Joy Is Better
https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-
showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/
This Harvard study spans nearly 80 years of research by following men across their life spans
looking for what leads to happy and healthy lives. The study’s findings indicate that it’s our
relationships that make us happiest and help us live the longest.
Falling in Love Online: Romantic or Risky?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201702/falling-in-love-online-
romantic-or-risky
This blog post explores the risks and benefits of online dating and relationship development.
iLove You, iLove You Not: The Psychology of Online Dating & Romantic Relationships
https://www.psychologyinaction.org/psychology-in-action-1/2014/07/17/iloveyou-
iloveyounot-online-dating-romantic-relationships
The article summarizes research on dating websites with the goal of identifying ways that
online dating is similar to and different from traditional offline romantic relationships.
Attraction: The Matching Phenomena
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vP0kXxd5bUw
This video presents an interesting take on the matching hypothesis.
The Benjamin Franklin Effect: The Science of Love
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMsxYztfrvA
In order for a relationship to be successful, both partners need to exert effort. This clip looks
at the maintenance strategy of using positivity.
The Longest-Married Couple Tells All
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/the-longest-married-couple-tells-all/2/
This CBS News video examines the “secret” to sustaining a happy marriage.
The Loving Story
https://www.hbo.com/documentaries/the-loving-story
This site provides a synopsis, resources, and teaching guide for the documentary The Loving
Story. The film chronicles the true story of Richard and Mildred Loving, who were jailed in
1958 for breaking Virginia’s Racial Integrity Act, which prohibited marriage between
persons of different races. In 1967, the U.S. Supreme court made interracial marriage legal.
Ready to Pop the Question? Hire a Proposal Professional
http://www.cbsnews.com/videos/ready-to-pop-the-question-hire-a-proposal-professional/
This video examines the growing popularity of hiring a proposal company to assist in
popping the question.
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The Smell of Love? Inside a Pheromone Party
http://abcnews.go.com/2020/video/smell-love-inside-pheromone-party-18873055
This clip examines a matchmaking experiment based on scent.
“Can Social Media Break Up A Marriage?”
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=130897679
This article from NPR examines how social media sites, such as Facebook, can lead to
relational termination.
MUSIC RECOMMENDATIONS
The following music examples have been included for illustrating interpersonal
communication concepts addressed in this chapter. It is recommended that the instructor
preview songs before using them, as some contain adult language. Each instructor must
decide what is appropriate for his or her class.
“One Kiss,” performed by Dua Lipa
“Back to You,” performed by Selena Gomez
“2002,” performed by Anne Marie
“50 Ways to Leave Your Lover,” performed by Paul Simon
“Bad Romance,” performed by Lady Gaga
“Crazy in Love,” performed by Beyoncé featuring Jay-Z
“God Gave Me You,” performed by Blake Shelton
“Pavement Cracks,” performed by Annie Lennox
“I Can’t Make You Love Me,” performed by Bon Iver
“I’m Yours,” performed by Jason Mraz
“Just a Kiss,” performed by Lady Antebellum
“Just the Way You Are,” performed by Bruno Mars
“Marry Me,” performed by Train
“Irreplaceable,” performed by Beyoncé
“Gravity,” performed by Sara Bareilles
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Chapter 11: Relationships with Romantic Partners
Lecture Outline
I. Romantic love has unique characteristics that can be differentiated from liking.
A. Liking is a feeling of affection (warmth) and respect (admiration) that we typically
have for our friends.
B. Loving involves a deeper and more intense emotional commitment than liking.
Loving comprises intimacy (a feeling of closeness and “union” between partners),
caring (concern for a partner’s welfare), and attachment (longing to be in a partner’s
presence).
C. Passionate love is a state of intense emotional and physical longing for union with
another.
1. Passionate love changes our brains. People experiencing passionate love have
substantial activation of brain reward centers.
2. Passionate love is driven in part by idealization of partners.
3. People from all cultures experience passionate love.
4. Gender and age do not affect how people experience passionate love.
5. For adults, passionate love is associated with sexuality and sexual desire.
6. Passionate love is negatively related to relationship duration. The longer you’re
with a romantic partner, the less intense your passion.
D. Companionate love is an intense form of liking defined by emotional investment
and deeply intertwined lives.
E. Sociologist John Alan Lee suggested six additional types of love that fall within the
range of passionate and companionate love, giving them traditional Greek names:
2. Agape (forgiving love) involves patience, selflessness, and giving, with high
regard for the partner’s welfare and happiness.
4. Pragma (practical love) is logical, rational, and founded in common sense.
6. Eros (romantic love) involves sentimental, romantic, committed, and idealistic
love of the partner.
II. A romantic relationship is a chosen interpersonal involvement forged through
communication in which both participants perceive the bond as romantic.
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C. Romantic relationships are initiated and maintained by choice.
D. Romantic relationships often involve commitment, a strong psychological
attachment to a partner and an intention to continue the relationship.
E. Tensions arise because romantic relationships are subject to three common types of
competing impulses, which are called relational dialectics.
1. Openness versus protection is the tension between wanting to share information
and wishing to protect privacy.
2. Autonomy versus connection involves the competing needs for bonding with
another and maintaining our individuality.
3. Novelty versus predictability is the challenge of reconciling the need for stability
against a desire for excitement.
F. Romantic involvements are forged through interpersonal communication.
III. Several factors affect the development of romantic attraction.
A. Physical proximity—being in one another’s presence frequently—plays an
important role in romantic attraction.
1. In general, we are more attracted to those with whom we have frequent contact
and less attracted to those with whom we interact rarely. This is known as the
mere exposure effect.
2. Because most Americans cluster into ethnically homogenous groups, mixed-
race romantic relationships occur less frequently than same-race relationships.
B. People feel attracted to those they perceive as physically attractive, a phenomenon
known as the beautiful-is-good effect, which stipulates that attractive people are
viewed as competent communicators, intelligent, and well-adjusted.
1. We are less likely to form romantic relationships with people we judge as
substantially different from ourselves in physical attractiveness (matching).
C. The birds-of-a-feather effect reflects scientific evidence suggesting we are
attracted to those we perceive as similar to ourselves.
1. Perceived similarity allows first encounters to seem comfortable and predictable.
2. Similarities consist of physical characteristics, personalities, values, and personal
likes and dislikes.
a. Fundamental differences in personalities and values can erode attraction.
b. Differences in tastes and preferences (e.g,, enjoying different music) don’t
predict or necessarily impede relational success.
3. Interpersonal communication is a key component to discovering similarities.
D. Reciprocal liking is a potent predictor of attraction, because we tend to be attracted
to people who are attracted to us.
E. A final spark that kindles romantic attraction is the unique set of resources (e.g.,
intelligence, kindness, sense of humor) another person offers.
1. Social exchange theory suggests you’ll be drawn to those you see as offering
benefits (things you like and want) with few associated costs (things demanded
of you in return).
2. Equity, the balance of costs and benefits, is a factor that determines whether or
not a relationship will take root.
a. Inequity occurs when one person benefits disproportionately.
b. Partners who are overbenefited may feel guilt, whereas partners who are
underbenefited may experience anger and/or sadness.
c. Equity is strongly related to the success of a romantic relationship.
F. Communication technologies have affected the attraction process.
2. Technology enhances our ability to gauge others’ potential in terms of similarity,
the rewards they offer, and their physical appeal.
3. Relational tensions may be evoked due to distorted self-descriptions and the
misrepresentations technology permits (e.g., misleading online profiles).
IV. All romantic relationships undergo development stages in the partners’ communication,
thoughts, and feelings—the process of coming together as a couple.
A. During the initiating stage, you size up a new person you’ve just met or noticed.
2. Your primary concern is creating a positive impression.
3. You present an appropriate greeting. This greeting may be in person or online.
2. Most relationships do not go beyond this stage.
C. Intensifying occurs when partners begin experiencing strong feelings of attraction.
During this stage:
1. The depth of personal disclosure increases.
3. Expressions of physical affection—hand-holding, cuddling, or sexual activity—
may occur.
D. During the integrating stage, you and your partner’s personalities seem to become
one, as reinforced through sexual activity and the exchange of belongings.
1. Individual identities become increasingly difficult to separate.
2. Attitudes, activities, and interests clearly signify you as a couple.
2. Bonding is public validation that serves to institutionalize your relationship.
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V. Coming together is often followed by coming apart, which unfolds over stages marked
by changes in thoughts, feelings, and communication.
A. During the first stage of coming apart, differentiating, opposing beliefs and values
between you and your partner, dominate your thoughts and communication.
1. Even healthy romances experience occasions of differentiating.
2. Effective communication can move a relationship through these tensions.
B. During the circumscribing stage, individuals respond to problematic differences by
ignoring them and spending less time talking.
2. You create “safe zones” in which you discuss only non-provocative topics.
1. Individuals experience a sense of resignation or feel trapped.
2. Stagnation can be lasting unless effort is made to rebuild or end the relationship.
D. Avoiding occurs when one or both of you decide that you no longer can be around
each other, and you begin distancing yourselves physically.
1. Avoidance may be communicated directly to the partner (e.g., changing one’s
relationship status on Facebook; declaring “I’m leaving you”).
2. Indirect communication may be used by making excuses, failing to respond to
calls, and physically avoiding the other.
E. Terminating is way of ending a relationship that may provide a sense of closure.
1. Partners might discuss the past, present, and future of the relationship.
2. Partners may exchange summary statements. These can be accusations (e.g.,
“You’re the worst person I’ve ever dated!) or laments (e.g., “I’ll never find
anyone like you!”).
3. The future status of the relationship may range from ending all contact to entering
a state of platonic friendship.
4. Romantic breakups are a kind of death, so handling relational termination
requires using strong interpersonal skills to minimize the pain and damage.
VI. Relational maintenance refers to romantic partners’ efforts to keep their relationships
in a desired state or condition. Several strategies have been identified.
A. Positivity is communicating with your partner in a cheerful and optimistic fashion,
doing unsolicited favors for the other, and giving your partner gifts.
1. Positivity is considered the most important strategy for ensuring happiness.
2. Positivity is demonstrated with enjoyable interaction, complimenting, and
showing romantic interest.
3. Positivity is undermined by constant complaining, ridicule, and making unfair
demands on the partner.
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B. Assurances are messages that emphasize the relationship’s depth of intimacy, stress
mutual commitment, and describe the couple’s future as certain.
1. Assurances consist of letting your partner know about your commitment to the
relationship and its future, and sending messages or performing actions that
demonstrate your love.
2. Assurances are undermined by flirting with others, discouraging talk about the
future, and prioritizing your cell phone or other electronic devices over your
partner.
C. Sharing tasks is taking mutual responsibility for chores and day-to-day tasks.
1. Sharing tasks is the most frequently practiced form of maintenance.
2. Sharing tasks occurs through equal distribution of responsibilities, asking the
other how you can help, and anticipating tasks that need to be done.
3. The strategy of shared tasks is undermined by strategically avoiding
responsibilities and failing to reciprocate your partner’s efforts.
D. Acceptance of your partner means being supportive and forgiving.
1. Acceptance is conveyed by forgiving your partner’s mistakes, supporting his or
her decisions, and showing patience when your partner is in a bad mood.
2. Acceptance is undermined when grievances are held against your partner, telling
your partner you wish he or she were different, and by criticizing your partner’s
appearance, personality, beliefs, and values.
E. Self-disclosure is sharing your thoughts, feelings, and fears.
2. Self-disclosure is undermined by keeping important information secret from your
partner, disparaging your partner’s perspective, and sharing confidential
information about your partner with others.
F. Relationship talks require sitting down and discussing the status of your
relationship, how you each feel about it, and where you both see it going.
1. Partners encourage relationship talks when they set aside time to openly and
respectfully share relationship concerns with each other.
2. Relationship talks are undermined by reacting defensively whenever your
partner shares relationship concerns, and by avoiding and ridiculing the need to
discuss the relationship.
G. Getting social network support means gaining the approval of families and friends
for the relationship.
1. Supportive social networks are developed when you communicate liking for your
partner’s family and friends, invite them to share in activities with you, and
sacrifice your own needs for the sake of the social network.
2. Social networks are undermined when you make remarks critical of your
partner’s family and friends and demand that your partner choose between
spending time with you and spending time with them.
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VII. A common challenge to maintaining romantic relationships is geographic separation.
Some suggestions to help maintain such relationships include:
A. While separated, use technology to regularly communicate with your partner.
B. Use maintenance strategies, such as positivity and assurances.
C. When you reunite, expect a period of adjustment instead of pure bliss; use
constructive conflict management strategies when difficult dilemmas arise.
VIII. The decision whether to maintain or dissolve a struggling romance can be challenging.
Four factors appear crucial in predicting survival of a romantic relationship in crisis:
A. The degree to which the partners consider themselves “in love”
B. The equity of costs and benefits that exist in the relationship
C. The degree of similarity the couple shares is the third factor
D. Network support (from family and friends) is important to maintaining the couple
IX. The possible dark side to romantic relationships involves four strong challenges to
love—betrayal, jealousy, relational intrusion, and dating violence.
A. Romantic betrayal involves any act that goes against expectations of a romantic
relationship and causes pain to a partner.
2. Betrayal is intentional.
4. Betrayal often causes grief over the loss of the relationship that was.
a. Sexual infidelity occurs when a partner engages in sexual activity with
someone other than his or her romantic partner. It is the most destructive form
of romantic betrayal.
b. Emotional infidelity involves a strong romantic bond with another person
outside the relationship.
c. Men are likely to be more upset by sexual infidelity, whereas women are likely
to be more upset by emotional infidelity.
5. Deception involves misleading your partner by intentionally withholding
6. People struggling to cope with betrayal commonly adopt one of four
communication approaches.
a. Confront the betrayal.
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B. A second problem for many romantic relationships is jealousy, a protective reaction
to a perceived threat to a valued relationship.
1. Jealousy can plague users of online social-networking sites, causing some to
engage in wedging. This occurs when a person deliberately places himself or
herself between partners in a romantic relationship.
2. The most effective way to deal with jealousy is self-reliance, which involves
allowing yourself to feel jealous but not allowing it to disrupt your life.
C. Focus on Culture: Infidelity Internationally. Research indicates that while there are
broad differences in cultural attitudes about sexual betrayal, the resulting suffering
is universal.
1. Cultures exhibit different levels of tolerance for infidelity.
2. Despite cultural differences regarding tolerance, nations around the globe share
three common views on betrayal:
a. People who cheat prefer partners who are also romantically involved.
b. Cheaters do not describe themselves as the “cheating type.”
c. Sexual betrayal consistently causes relational distress and emotional pain.
D. A third problem of romantic relationships is relational inclusion, the violation of one’s
independence and privacy by a person who desires an intimate relationship.
1. Two forms of intrusion are common: monitoring and controlling (e.g., persistent
2. In post-relationship intrusion, the ex-partner may be physically followed or
3. If the relationship is intact, intrusion generates negative impressions, uncertainty,
4. Intrusion is best handled by realizing the intrusion is unacceptable and unethical,
and by speaking directly to the intruder (using “I” language and not lashing out).
E. Dating violence crosses all demographic boundaries and is commonly misperceived.
2. Potential abusers mask their violence until a relationship is firmly established.
4. If you are a victim of dating violence, your only recourse is to safely exit the
relationship. It is recommended a person in this situation do the following:
a. Cut all ties to the abuser.
b. Have a safety plan to keep the abuser from knowing your whereabouts.
5. Consult professionals for help.
X. Making Relationship Choices: Managing Jealousy about a Partner’s Ex
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A. Consider a situation in which you or someone you know has experienced jealousy in
a romantic relationship, either as the person feeling jealous or as the person at whom
jealous feelings were directed.
B. Reflect on the parties involved. Use perception-taking and empathic concern to gain
insight about the perspectives of both people.
C. Identify an optimal outcome and locate roadblocks in the way of that outcome.
D. Consider concepts and tools from the chapter while charting a course.