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Chapter 11: Relationships with Romantic Partners
Instructor Resources
Objectives
• Identify the defining characteristics of romantic love and relationships.
• Describe factors influencing interpersonal attraction.
• Understand how communication changes as relationships flourish and as they deteriorate.
• Develop strategies for using communication to maintain romantic relationships.
• Gain insight into challenges to love—betrayal, jealousy, relational intrusion, and dating
violence.
Discussion Questions
1. Consider the definition of love provided in the chapter. Now, think about how we
typically use the word love, as in “I loved the movie” or “I just love your Versace purse.”
What insight does the textbook definition provide on the everyday use of the word love?
2. How can the definition of a romantic relationship be applied to explain romances that
emerge through online dating services like eHarmony or Match.com?
• Perception, choice, diversity, communication, commitment, and tensions are elements
of the definition.
• Possible applications are
(stemming from wariness about persons met online).
3. With regard to social exchange theory, what are the benefits of forming romantic
relationships? What are the costs? How do these concepts explain relationship
satisfaction?
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Think Pair Share prompts support the active engagement of students in the learning
experience. The prompts can be particularly useful in punctuating the lecture presentation of
chapter concepts.
1. What is/are the key difference(s) between liking and loving?
2. Is it possible to experience passionate love for someone to whom you are not physically
attracted?
3. Regarding social exchange theory, what is an example of a situation where the costs
might outweigh the benefits in a romantic relationship?
4. We tend to form long-term romantic relationships with people we judge as similar to
ourselves in physical attractiveness. Why do you think this is? Have you ever tried to
initiate a romantic relationship with someone who was “out of your league”?
5. What are some examples of resources that you find attractive in another person?
6. What are the advantages and disadvantages of using online communication technologies
to enhance the attraction process?
7. One type of relational dialectic that romantic partners experience is the clash between the
need for stability and the need for excitement and change—known as novelty versus
predictability. Using a past or current relationship, cite types of predictability you find
comforting? What types of predictability cause boredom? How can you create novelty in
an ongoing relationship?
8. Using Knapp’s model of relationship stages, in what stage(s) would you expect the least
amount of personal disclosure to occur?
9. According to the Census Bureau, the percentage of people marrying in their early
twenties is declining. The median age for brides is 26, and the median age for grooms is
28. Why do you think this change is occurring?
10. Are there any advantages to remaining in a relationship that is stagnating?
11. How would you rank-order the importance of the four factors predicting relationship
survival, on a scale of 1 (most important) to 4 (least important)? The factors are: equity,
network support, similarity, and the degree to which partners consider themselves “in
love.”
12. What are some ways that romantic partners can betray one another? Which do you
consider to be the most destructive and why?
Journal Prompts
1. Do you agree with the statement that passion always fades in romantic relationships? Can
you think of examples involving people you know who enjoy long-term relationships
that seem to lack passion? Can you think of long-term couples who still have passion?
Have you ever been in a relationship long enough to experience the stages that follow
intense passion? Do you believe love ends when passion fades?
2. Complete the Self-Quiz: “Test Your Love Attitudes” on LaunchPad. Do your results
match the love style of the person with whom you are currently involved, or someone
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with whom you were previously involved? Do you think two people must have the same
love style in order to be compatible?
3. What do you think about Knapp’s model for relationship stages? Do the stages make
sense to you? Do you recognize these steps in your own relationships? In what order
have you experienced the various stages? If you could add a stage, what would it be?
4. Compare and contrast your small talk in two different relationships. Choose one that is
fairly new (e.g., a classmate) and another that is established but nonintimate (e.g., a work
colleague or neighbor). How is the small talk similar in both relationships? Different?
What conclusions do you draw about the role of small talk in interpersonal relationships?
5. Have you ever dated someone outside your own ethnic group? Did you encounter any
difficulties with family, friends, or the general public? If you have never dated outside of
your own ethnic group, do you think proximity or the birds-of-a-feather effect explains
why?
6. When we are involved in intimate relationships, we often experience relational dialectics,
which can manifest in three forms: (1) openness versus protection, (2) autonomy versus
connection, and (3) novelty versus predictability. When you encounter these tensions,
how do you deal with them?
7. Complete the Self-Quiz: “How Often Do You Betray Romantic Partners?” on LaunchPad.
What is your reaction to your score? What do you feel is the best approach to dealing
with betrayal in romantic relationships?
8. Identify the types of communication technologies you utilize to initiate romantic
relationships. Which type is the most effective? Why? Which types are more effective
for maintaining relationships? Would you ever consider using communication
technology to terminate a relationship? If so, what advantages and disadvantages would
this method have over face-to-face communication?
Experiential Activities
Exercise: What I Like about You
Objective: To explore factors affecting interpersonal attraction.
Directions:
a. Students should complete the “What I Like about You” Worksheet.
b. In pairs or small groups, students should share their results.
c. Use the following questions to debrief:
1. Which factor seems most important initially in attracting you to the person?
2. Which factor seems most important right now?
3. What conclusions do you draw from this reflection about attraction and how it
changes?
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“What I Like about You” Worksheet
Identify either a romantic relationship or a close relationship where the interpersonal liking is
quite high. Complete the sections of the chart that are most appropriate for identifying factors
that explain why you like the person.
Factor
Some examples of
how this factor was
important early in the
relationship are . . .
Some examples of
how this factor is
important right now
in the relationship are
. . .
Attitude similarity (The person has these
similar interests, values, and beliefs.)
Physical appearance (I like these physical
features of the person.)
Complementary need satisfaction (The person
has these talents, abilities, or personality traits
that make me a better person.)
Personality (I like the person’s intelligence,
sense of humor, interpersonal skills, etc.)
Reinforces my self-esteem (The person praises
me, listens to me, shares ideas/feelings with me,
etc.)
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EXERCISE: The Styles of Love
Objective: To apply the six styles of love (according to John Lee) with mediated examples.
Directions:
1. Divide students into small groups of three or four people.
2. Distribute the following instructions and worksheet to students.
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Student Instructions and Worksheet
Using the definitions of the six styles of love (listed below), apply each one to a media
example. That is, using characters from books, movies, and/or television shows, find an
example that fits each style of love. For example, on the television show How I Met Your
Mother, the character of Barney (played by Neil Patrick Harris) is a womanizer, so he
exemplifies the ludus (game-playing) style of love.
Style of Love Media Example(s)
ludus ___________________________________________________
eros ___________________________________________________
storge ___________________________________________________
pragma ___________________________________________________
mania ___________________________________________________
agape ___________________________________________________
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Exercise: Relationship Tune-up
Objective: To brainstorm concrete steps for implementing the relationship maintenance
strategies in a romantic relationship (or any other close relationship).
Directions:
1. Have students complete the Relationship Tune-up Worksheet outside of class. Those
students in romantic relationships might choose to complete this assignment in dialogue
with their romantic partner.
2. Students should be encouraged to either make journal entries or to provide an oral
summary in class explaining their conclusions from this reflection.
3. Debriefing the reflection should begin by reviewing the six strategies.
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Relationship Tune-up Worksheet
Using either your romantic relationship or a close relationship that is important to you (with a
parent, family member, or best friend), brainstorm a response to all six sections of the
worksheet.
Positivity: Do we communicate in a way that we find enjoyable by complimenting, doing
favors, and being fun and interesting?
Specific things we already do Specific things we can begin to do
Assurances: Do we communicate our ongoing commitment to the relationship in word and
action?
Specific things we already do Specific things we can begin to do
Sharing tasks: Do we share chores and daily tasks?
Specific things we already do Specific things we can begin to do
Acceptance: Do we support and forgive each other?
Specific things we already do Specific things we can begin to do
Self-disclosure: Do we share our thoughts, feelings, and fears?
Specific things we already do Specific things we can begin to do
Relationship talks: Do we make time to discuss our relationship and listen to each other?
Specific things we already do Specific things we can begin to do
Social networks: Do we actively involve family and friends in our relationship?
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Exercise: How to Be Romantic
Objective: To have students consider various means of adding excitement and variety to their
romantic relationships.
Directions: In his book 1001Ways to Be Romantic, Gregory Godek offers creative, easy, and
inexpensive suggestions for being more romantic with a partner. Below are 15 suggestions
taken from his book, which can be distributed to students for this exercise.
1. Break students into small groups of three or four people. Ask each group to read through
the list of suggestions, and to arrive at a consensus on the “top five” suggestions—the
suggestions members of the group believe would be the most effective.
2. Have each group designate a recorder who is responsible for writing down the group’s “top
five” and the specific reasons why the group likes each particular suggestion.
3. After Steps 1 and 2 are completed, the group should brainstorm a list of five additional
ways to be romantic that are not on the list of suggestions.
Suggestions for Being Romantic
1. Go on a lazy Sunday afternoon canoe ride on a calm, beautiful pond. Dress in your Sunday
best, pack a picnic lunch, and enjoy.
2. Create a “Romantic Idea Jar.” Write 100 romantic ideas on separate slips of paper. Fill a
jar with them. Once a week, one of you selects an idea at random and has to implement
the idea within the next week. Take turns being the chooser.
3. Make a Mission: Impossible tape: “Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to
meet an attractive stranger for a romantic dinner at _____ tomorrow evening at 7:00 p.m.”
Modify these instructions with a description of yourself, in order to make a date an
adventure.
5. Give your partner one sunflower, and attach a note: “You are on the sunshine of my life.”
Give your partner a pair of tulips, and attach a note: “I’ve got two–lips waiting for you!”
Give your partner forget-me-nots, and attach a note: “Forget–me-not—I love you!”
6. Go to a local art gallery, museum, or planetarium.
7. Send a taxi to pick up your partner after work; prepay the cab fare (including the tip), and
instruct the driver to take your partner to the restaurant you enjoy most as a couple, where
you’ll be waiting.
8. Don’t just walk into the house normally. Pause on the porch, ring the doorbell, and greet
your partner with a rose and a bottle of champagne.
9. Take a wine-tasting course together.
10. Write your partner a note, poem, or letter on one sheet of paper. Glue it to thin cardboard.
12. Gift-wrap a wishbone in a jewelry box, and send it to your partner with a note that says,
“I wish you were here.”
13. Go through your partner’s magazines and write funny comments in the margins, circle
15. Cook a meal together.
Video Recommendations
Home Again (2017, 120 minutes) is a film about a recently divorced 40-year-old woman who
meets and begins a romantic relationship with a man almost 20 years her junior. The film
shows us that starting over after a long-term relationship ends isn’t easy. The film is useful
for examining the stages of relationship beginnings and endings, as well as for examining
issues of physical attraction, similarities, and relationship betrayals.
Everything, Everything (2017, 96 minutes) is a teenage love story about a young girl living
in isolation due to an autoimmune disorder. She meets and falls in love with the boy next
door against her parent’s wishes. This film offers opportunities to explore the importance of
communication, technology, and proximity in an effort to maintain relationships. The film
also delves into issues of positivity, assurances, and self-disclosure as relational maintenance
strategies.
Blue Valentine (2011, 114 minutes) shows a couple growing apart. Ryan Gosling and
Michele Williams star as lovers drifting down different paths. This film provides a useful
application of Knapp’s stages of coming together and coming apart.
The Breakup (2006, 106 minutes). This film depicts what can happen when a couple
struggles with the end of their relationship. The film is useful for examining relational stages
and relational dialectics.
“Ain’t Love Strange” (Cougar Town, Season 3, Episode 1) is a 2012 episode of the sitcom
Cougar Town in which Jules (Courtney Cox) becomes upset that her fiancé, Grayson (Josh
Hopkins), considers her predictable. She attempts to add novelty to their relationship.
Crazy, Stupid, Love. (2011, 118 minutes) depicts how the “perfect life” of Cal Weaver (Steve
Carell) unravels following his wife’s request for a divorce. Cal’s attempts at dating are
disastrous until he meets Jacob Palmer (Ryan Gosling), a swinger who gives Cal a makeover.
This film illustrates how relationships are initiated, maintained, and terminated.