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Solutions – Chapter 7 ⚫ 1
CHAPTER 7 SOLUTIONS
Writing Improvement Exercises
Passive-Voice Verbs (Obj. 3)
16. Free shipping is unavailable for orders under $100. OR: Free shipping is available on all
orders over $100.
17. Patients cannot be admitted until after their insurance coverage is verified. OR: Patients
can be admitted after verification of their insurance coverage.
Subordinating Bad News (Obj. 3)
21. Although your complete order cannot be shipped at this time, two corner workstations
should arrive within five days.
22. Although flowers could not be shipped the week before Mother's Day, we apologize and
invite you to try again with free shipping for the next week.
23. Although sustainability goals prevent us from mailing print catalogs, we now offer all of
Implying Bad News (Obj. 3)
26. All our present funds are needed to lease equipment and offices for our new branch in
Hartford. However, we hope to be able to support this commendable endeavor in the
future.
Solutions – Chapter 7 ⚫ 2
7.1 Radical Rewrite
Request Refusal—Bitter Taste of the Beach
Weaknesses
a. Fails to develop a positive tone with a gracious opening and closing.
b. Instead of opening bluntly, the writer should have started with positive remarks about the
popularity of this recurring summer event and his enjoyment at past participation.
c. Emphasizes the refusal instead of softening it throughout and suggesting an alternate
benefit.
Revision
Current date
Ms. Diane Hinchcliffe
Taste of the Beach
310 Ocean Avenue, Suite 304
Carmel-by-the-Sea, CA 93521
Dear Ms. Hinchcliffe:
Taste of the Beach has always been a popular summer charity event here in Carmel-by-the-Sea.
I’m glad to hear that this year’s event will combine new and established food, wine, music, and
artistic offerings from prized vintners, renowned chefs, and performing artists.
Earlier in the year I had agreed to participate by providing a selection of tasty hors d’oeuvres
from my restaurant, The Zodiac. In the past we have enjoyed being able to participate by
contributing other small dishes from my restaurant and being present to greet friends and
neighbors who tried our delicacies.
Solutions – Chapter 7 ⚫ 3
7.2 Radical Rewrite
Bad News to Customers—Hackers Hijack E-Mail Addresses
Weaknesses
a. Begins weakly with a general statement leaving receivers wondering why the message was
written.
b. Includes a long lead-in (This is just to let you know that).
c. Fails to explain exactly what happened and when the security breach took place.
d. Places the promise to guard privacy in the first paragraph when it would be more logical in the
last paragraph.
Revision
To: Kara Khalial [kkhalial@coastal.net]
From: Justin Small [jsmall@princetonpayment.org]
Subject: Customer Security Incident at Princeton Payment Systems
Cc:
Bcc:
You are receiving this e-mail because of a recent incident at Princeton Payment Systems
resulting in the release of some customer e-mail addresses.
On November 12 we learned that computer hackers had maliciously exploited a function
designed to make our log-in process faster. The hackers deliberately went to great lengths to
extract customer e-mail addresses. However, within hours we had disabled the mechanism and
established a new procedure that requires users to enter both their e-mail addresses and their
passwords. I want to assure you that the only information revealed was your e-mail address.
Your password, account information, and any other personal information were never at risk.
Solutions – Chapter 7 ⚫ 4
7.3 Radical Rewrite
Claim Denial—Warranty Does Not Mean a New Device
Weaknesses
a. Begins with a long lead-in (This letter is being sent to you to inform you that).
b. Delivers the bad news bluntly with no effort to soften the blow.
c. Heaps blame on the customer and chastises her for not handling the smartphone properly.
Revision
Current date
Ms. Haley Tranquillo
501 Westhampton Way
Richmond, VA 23173
Dear Ms. Tranquillo:
Many of our customers purchase the Peace of Mind Plan to insure their valuable smartphones
against theft, loss, and malfunction as you have done. The low fee of $5.99 a month is a wise
investment in protecting your expensive device.
Although fairly sturdy, today’s smartphones are very sophisticated electronic gadgets that require
proper care and handling. The Peace of Mind Plan is designed for the most common incidents
smartphone owners’ experience, such as when their devices are stolen, lost, or defective. In
addition, all our cellular phones are backed by a one-year manufacturer’s warranty against
Sincerely,
Solutions – Chapter 7 ⚫ 5
Activities and Cases
7.4 Request Refusal: Advocating for Abused Children
Current date
Mrs. Paulina Ramirez
4382 Congress Avenue
Austin, TX 78701
Dear Mrs. Ramirez:
Let me commend you on the fine work you are doing as a volunteer with CASA. Its programs to
recruit, train, and support volunteers to work with abused children deserve the high praise it
receives from local and national communities. My heart goes out to those children who have
been mistreated and whose futures are determined by the courts. CASA performs an invaluable
Solutions – Chapter 7 ⚫ 6
7.5 Request Refusal: Pink Dragons Sink Application
To: Josephine Rosa <jrosa@pinkdragons.org>
From: Your Name <your e-mail address>
Subject: Your Request for Adobe Sponsorship
Cc:
Bcc:
Dear Josephine:
We enjoyed learning about the fascinating sport of dragon boat racing and about the role it plays
in the lives of many active breast cancer survivors. Your team is to be commended for its
competitive spirit and positive attitude.
Our company supports a variety of great causes, breast cancer among them. We receive requests
for sponsorships daily; therefore, we have decided to streamline the application process by
asking that proposals be submitted on our website (the link is listed below). Although we would
like to accommodate every request, our sponsorship funds are finite. We must evaluate each
organization’s purpose, the audiences served by the sponsorship, and any potential benefits
Solutions – Chapter 7 ⚫ 7
7.6 Request Refusal: No Favors for Jamba Juice
Current date
Mr. Joe Wong, Vice President
Product Development
Jamba Inc.
450 Golden Gate Avenue
San Francisco, CA 94102
Dear Joe:
It’s good to learn that Jamba Inc. is expanding its menu with drinks that are more substantial and
could substitute for a meal. In today’s fast-paced world, people have less time for sit-down
meals, and a hearty, healthful smoothie would be perfect for nutrition-conscious folks on the
move.
Solutions – Chapter 7 ⚫ 8
7.7 Request Refusal: Loud Music Bothers Tenant Neighbor
Current date
Mr. Manuel Quinones, CPA
Suite 300, Two Buckhead Plaza
3050 Peachtree Road, NW
Atlanta, GA 30305
Dear Mr. Quinones:
Subject: Your Recent Inquiry About a Neighboring Tenant
Thank you for bringing up your concerns about the loud music coming from Mr. Eslan’s office. I
can understand how frustrating the noise must be, especially when you are conducting business
with clients.
Leasing commercial property is frequently a challenge, as the working environments of tenants
are invariably diverse. A commercial tenancy is different from a residential tenancy. A lease for
Solutions – Chapter 7 ⚫ 9
7.8 Claim Denial: Lost in Flight
Current date
Ms. Genna Frymoyer-Morris
1805 Panorama Drive
Bakersfield, CA 93305
Dear Ms. Frymoyer-Morris:
We can imagine that the loss of your glasses on our flight from Washington, DC, to Los Angeles
with a stopover at Denver International Airport must be truly frustrating.
Our flight attendants are instructed to remind passengers that the cabins will be cleaned during
brief layovers. Most passengers leave the plane and do not return because they are catching
connecting flights. During these brief layovers, cleaning crews must work swiftly as they pass
through the cabins picking up discarded newspapers and other items. However, they should have
recognized your glasses and given them to an attendant.
