e. cultural relativism
13. Phil attends a party being held in honor of a visitor from Great Britain. Phil notices that the
visitor doesn’t stand very close to those who are talking to her. Phil doesn’t assume that the
visitor is being rude or unfriendly; instead he wonders how personal space preferences in
Great Britain differ from those in the United States. Phil is practicing __________. [p. 168,
III]
a. resistance
14. “I don’t approve of the gay lifestyle, but I can accept it.” This response reflects which of the
following orientations to cultural diversity? [pp. 167-168, III]
e. participation
15. If you identify with a culture that emphasizes collective well-being, you are most likely to
__________. [p. 160-161, II]
e. all of the above
16. The importance of adapting communication to various cultures and social communities is
reflected in __________. [p. 153, II]
17. We learn our own culture’s perspectives and rules by __________. [p. 159-160, II]
e. staying isolated from others
18. Groups of people who live within a dominant culture yet also belong to another group that is
distinct from the mainstream culture are called __________. [p. 154, I]
e. none of the above
19. Mark decided to drop Professor Yang’s course after only the first week because he felt he did
not like her accent. He told a friend later that, “We pay good money to go to school here.
They should at least hire teachers who sound like one of us.” His attitude reflects
__________. [p. 166, III]
e. participation
20. Being able to understand more than one group’s ways of using language such as what is
practiced by many Asian Americans, Mexican Americans, lesbians, gay men, and members
of other groups that are simultaneously part of a dominant and a minority culture is known as
__________. [p. 168, I]
e. cultural relativism
TRUE/FALSE
1. Communication is profoundly related to culture. [II] T
3. Eye-contact is a primary indicator of culture. [II] F
5. Social communities include a number of cultures. [II] F
7. Telling someone that you “understand” their experience because you’ve been in a similar
situation is one way of confirming the other person. [III] F
9 // COMMUNICATION AND PERSONAL IDENTITY
I. The self is a process, a system of perspectives that is formed and sustained in communication
with others and ourselves. It changes over time as we engage in new experiences.
A. The self is multidimensional.
B. George Herbert Mead contended that the self arises in communication with others.
1. The first perspective is that of society as a whole which is called the generalized
other.
2. The second is the perspective of significant others in our lives.
C. Society shapes the self through its ways of classifying people.
1. Race is considered a primary aspect of personal identity.
2. Gender which is the meaning society attaches to sex.
3. Sexual Orientation is salient in Western culture.
4. Socioeconomic class affects the kinds of schools, jobs, fiends and life-style choices in
Western society.
D. Individuals shape the self because the perspectives of particular others who are important
in our lives matters to us.
1. One way particular others shape our understanding of ourselves is through their
attachment styles.
2. We develop a secure attachment style when we are able to trust and feel safe with
others.
3. We develop a fearful attachment style when we regard others as sources of negativity
and rejection.
4. We develop a dismissive attachment style, fostered by inconsistent treatment, when
we view others as untrustworthy and unlovable.
5. We develop an anxious/ambivalent attachment style when we are preoccupied with
relationships where we’ve learned that others can be both loving and hurtful.
E. Family members also shape self-concept through life-scripts which are rules for living
and identity.
1. The process is largely an unconscious one.
2. We learn who we are expected to be and to uphold the family traditions.
III. Social Media influences our personal identity in three key ways:
A. Social media provide us with direct definitions and reflected appraisals.
1. Social media serve as venues for self-development, particularly for girls and women.
2. Social media are used for cyberbullying, which can be very destructive to personal
identity.
B. Social media are also used for social comparisons.
C. Social media are also used as platforms for facework.
IV. There are three important guidelines for communicating with ourselves in ways that foster
personal growth and health well-being.
A. Reflecting critically on social perspectives is a key challenge for effective living.
1. People tend to internalize perspectives of generalized others.
2. Not all of a society’s views are constructive nor promote a healthy society. We should
reflect critically on the views of the generalized other to decide whether we want to
endorse them.
3. Social meanings are arbitrary and subject to change, and vary across cultures. This
implies that the generalized other’s perspective is neither universal nor permanent.
4. Social perspectives change in response to individual and collective efforts to revise
social values and meanings. This implies that we can be part of changing views that
we consider unjust, or otherwise undesirable.
B. Seeking personal growth is an ongoing challenge for each person since we are always in
the process of creating and refining ourselves.
1. Growth is fostered by realistic goals.
a. Realistic goals require realistic standards (not abstract ones that are hard to
implement).
b. Realistic goals can be more reasonably achieved if they are established as a series
of small attainable steps.
2. Create a supportive context for the change you are seeking.
a. Think about what you want to change.
b. Find people who can support you and encourage your personal growth.
c. Avoid engaging in self-sabotage which is negative self-talk that can cripple
growth and motivation.
KEY CONCEPTS
Anxious/ambivalent attachment style
Attachment styles
Cyberbullying
Direct definition
Dismissive attachment style
Downer
Fearful attachment style
Generalized other
Life script
Particular others
Reflected appraisal
Secure attachment style
Self
Self-disclosure
Self-fulfilling prophecy
Self-sabotage
Social comparison
Uncertainty reduction theory
Upper
Vulture
ACTIVITY: Seeing Them in You
Purpose/Objective:
To help students understand that the Self comes from, and is sustained by, one’s network of
social relationships.
Instructions:
Ask students to write the names of 12 people who have, in some way, shaped who it is that they
have become. These might be from their past or their present, real or fictional, someone whom
they may or may not have actually met, someone who affected them in a positive or a negative
way, etc. After each name, write a sentence or two about the way(s) in which the person
influenced their identity.
Then have students write out a ten-point statement answering the question, “Who am I?” based
on the influences of those twelve people.
Adaptation for online classes: This exercise makes an excellent discussion type exercise for online
classes.
ACTIVITY: Uppers and Downers and Vultures
Purpose/Objective:
To increase students’ understanding of how others’ communication affects self-concept and self-
esteem.
Instructions:
Select four students for the demonstration and talk privately with them about the following role–
play. Assign one student the role of Self. This student should talk about a problem, concern, or
situation in his or her life. It may be an actual or a fictional account. Assign the other three
students the roles of Upper, Downer, and Vulture. Each is to communicate in a way that is
consistent with their role. For example, if Self says “I’m worried that I’m not being a very good
friend to Marissa, Upper might say “You’ve done lots of supportive things for Marissa and she
knows you care about her.” Downer might say, “You really haven’t been there for her lately,
have you?” And Vulture comment would be, “You have always been selfish and a lousy friend.
Remember how you treated Joanne when you were five?” After the presentation, discuss
Uppers, Downers, and Vultures in our lives so that students understand each style of
communicating and how it affects self-concept. Then collaborate with students to generate ways
Self could respond to Downers and Vultures so that they are less damaging to Self. Suggestions
might include, refuting untrue statements, pointing out positive qualities that balance less
positive ones, asking for concrete examples of how they could be better, and/or refusing to
interact with Downers and Vultures.
ACTIVITY: Inner Dialogues
Purpose/Objective:
To illustrate the complementary, yet distinct roles of the I and the ME parts of self.
Instructions:
Create groups with seven to eight members. Each group should produce a two minute skit in
which one member plays the I and one the ME. The I and ME players should verbalize the
internal dialogues that usually transpire silently in our heads. Allow the groups about fifteen
minutes to prepare skits. Have each group present its I-ME interaction to the class. Focus
discussion of the presentations on key principles about the I and ME. There are varied versions
of the I (creative, reckless) and ME (socially adept, conformist), the I and ME are both important
parts of who we are, and the I and ME collaborate to direct how we come across to others.
JOURNAL ITEMS
1. Describe an instance in which you were each of the following: an upper, a downer, and a
vulture. Analyze why you communicated differently in the different situations. What
about the overall communication systems affected what you said and how did your
communication, in turn, affect the relational systems within which it occurred?
2. What one aspect of your self-concept would you most like to improve? How might you
restructure your interactions with others to accomplish this change?
PANEL IDEAS
1. Invite individuals, students or not, from four different cultures to discuss how individuals
are viewed in their cultures. In advance, ask students to prepare questions for the
panelists based on the textbook. After panelists have been introduced and had the
opportunity to make opening statements, direct the discussion by asking questions such
as these: Are individualism and personal independence esteemed in your culture? How
important is family to individual identity in your culture? Are women and men regarded
as equally individual by your culture (are women the property of families or husbands)?
The panelists might also be asked to speak about what changes, if any, their cultures have
undergone in recent years.
2. Invite two to four family counselors to talk with your class about families as systems.
Ask the panelists to focus on the ways in which communication creates and upholds
family systems and the ways in which altering communication changes family dynamics.
Panelists should leave ample time for questions from students.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. Discuss magazine, film, and television portrayals of women and men (generalized other).
What are current social expectations for each gender? What behaviors and attitudes
violate social prescriptions for gender? To what extent do you agree or disagree with
these social expectations?
2. Discuss any self-fulfilling prophecies you’ve held in the past, or observed in others you
know well. What behaviors have you engaged in to promote your own personal growth?
MOVIE—GARDEN STATE
Andrew Largeman (Zach Braff) is a depressed actor who returns home after being away for ten
years. Largeman is pleasantly surprised by acquaintances he makes in his hometown, but
ultimately must confront his domineering father. This film provides students the opportunity to
explore the role of the particular other and generalized other in developing our self-concept.
Students might also want to pay attention to the ways in which Largeman achieves his personal
growth.
COMMUNICATION SCENARIOS DVD
Kate McDonald is taking her two children, seven-year-old Emma and five-year old Jeremy, to
the neighborhood park. As the scenario opens, the three of them walk into the park and approach
a swing set. The full transcript of this Parental Teachings scenario is included in your textbook.
4. To what extent does Kate’s communication with her children reflect gender expectations
in Western culture?
ESSAY QUESTIONS
1. Discuss the influence of particular others and the generalized other in creating an individuals’
sense of identity. Incorporate concrete examples into your response.
2. List the three ways you can seek personal growth as a communicator, as discussed in Chapter
9. Discuss why each method is important and give appropriate examples for each.
3. Explain and differentiate between the concepts of reflected appraisal and social comparison.
MULTIPLE CHOICE
1. A powerful way that communication shapes the self is the self-fulfilling prophecy. Which of
e. all of the above
2. Acting in ways that bring about expectations or judgments of others that have been expressed
to us is known as __________. [p. 181, I]
e. identity scripts
3. The process of seeing ourselves through the eyes of others is known as __________. [p. 179-
180, I]
a. generalized other
4. Jenny is looking through a popular women’s magazine. She notices that most of the
advertisements deal with beauty, looking young, or losing weight. These social values in the
media are examples of __________. [p. 175, III]
e. none of the above
5. “You are a big, tough boy who doesn’t cry” Alice tells her son. Alice’s statement is an
example of __________. [p. 180, III]
a. identity script
6. Life scripts __________. [p. 179, I]
e. are forms and patterns of affective and cognitive relationships styles
7. Secure attachment styles tend to develop in children whose caregivers __________. [p. 178,
e. b and d
8. Ray is very attentive and supportive to his son Robbie when he is sober, but when Ray drinks
he often ignores his son and sometimes verbally abuses him. Robbie never knows which way
his father will act. If the father is Robbie’s primary caregiver, Robbie is likely to develop
which attachment style __________. [p. 179, III]
e. defensive
9. Howie isn’t sure how smart he is until his teacher in first grade tells him she thinks he is very
bright. Howie later tells his parents “I am a bright boy.” The process by which Howie
developed a view of his intelligence is __________. [p. 179-180, III]
a. indirect definition
10. Howie is still not entirely sure how smart he is, so he asks other students in his first grade
class how they did on a test. After checking with 5 other children, Howie realizes he did
better than any of them and Howie concludes he must be pretty smart after all. The process
by which Howie reached this conclusion is __________. [p. 181-182, III]
11. Which of the following is NOT an example of communication with and influence of our
peers? [pp. 183–189, II]
a. reflected appraisals
12. Things that others see in us but we do not see in ourselves are known in the Johari Window
as __________ information. [p. 183, II]
e. open
13. The theory that asserts that people find uncertainty uncomfortable and so are motivated to
use communication to reduce uncertainty is known as __________. [p. 184, I]
a. Johari Window
14. Harry and Sally have had a long, loving, and stable relationship. We would expect that this
couple __________. [p. 184-185, II]
a. would speak a great deal with each other, continually revealing a prodigious amount of
new information
15. Jon says, “I am so stupid I’ll never graduate from college. I just can’t learn this Chemistry
because I am so darned dumb!” Jon’s self-communication is an example of __________. [p.
189, III]
a. being a downer
16. As we interact with the generalized other, we learn which aspects of identity society
considers important. Which of the following is emphasized in modern Western culture as key
aspect(s) of personal identity and value? [pp. 175–177, I]
a. race
17. Where we shop, what we wear and what kind of car we drive, who our friends are, and where
we live and work are all influenced by our __________. [p. 175, II]
a. race
b. gender
18. A clear understanding of how social perspectives influence our sense of self and guide our
behaviors, attitudes, and values should be based on __________. [p. 189, II]
a. blind acceptance of norms
b. fixed, absolute truths
19. To assess ourselves effectively, we should __________. [p. 187-188, I]
20. Jamie had problems in her math class and finally began to tell herself that she would never
understand math. Jamie had failed to follow which suggestion for personal growth and
awareness? [p. 189, III]
a. self-disclose appropriately
b. assess yourself fairly
TRUE/FALSE
1. A self-fulfilling prophesy is acting in ways that bring about expectations or judgments of
ourselves. [I] T
3. The self is innate and part of our genetic makeup. [II] F
5. Life scripts are a form of how our friends communicate and influence us. [II] F
7. Reflected appraisals are judgments that we make when we gauge and evaluate others. [I] F
9. Someone’s socioeconomic class is more difficult to pinpoint than either race or sex. [II] T
10. The values and views endorsed by a society at any given time are arbitrary and subject to
change. [II] T
10 // COMMUNICATION IN PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
I. Personal relationships are voluntary commitments between irreplaceable individuals who are
influenced by rules, relational dialectics, and surrounding contexts.
F. Personal relationships include relational dialectics that are contradictory needs or
impulses that generate tension.
1. The autonomy/connection dialectic entails desires for independence and closeness.
2. The novelty/predictability dialectic entails desires for spontaneity and routine.
3. The openness/closedness dialectic entails desires for openness and privacy. Dialectics
can be managed in multiple ways.
a. Neutralization is a response that involves striking a compromise in which both
party’s needs are met to an extent but neither is fully satisfied.
b. Separation is a response that satisfies one dialectical pole and ignores, neglects,
and/or denies the contradictory pole.
c. Segmentation is a response that assigns each pole in a dialectic to specific times
or spheres of activity.
d. Reframing is a complex strategic response that redefines apparently contradictory
needs so they are not really oppositional.
II. While every personal relationship develops at its own pace and in distinctive ways there are
common identifiable patterns.
B. Relationships have turning points that move them toward or away from being more
intimate.
C. Romantic relationships typically involve three broad phases within which there are more
specific stages.
1. The escalating phase in romantic relationships includes six stages.
a. The first stage is no interaction where we remain focused on ourselves as
individuals.
b. Invitational communication involves expressing interest in interacting with
another.
1) Proximity and similarity are the two greatest influences on initial attraction.
2) Matching hypothesis predicts that people will seek relationships with others
who closely match their values, attitudes, and social background.
c. Explorational communication is used to explore the possibilities for a
relationship.
d. Intensifying communication helps the relationship gain depth. There are six styles
of loving that reflect various levels of intensification:
2. Navigating is an ongoing process of communicating to sustain intimacy over time in
the face of multiple changes and evolving contexts. This second stage in romantic
intimacy can be quite dynamic. Relationship culture is a private world of rules,
understandings, meanings and patterns of interacting that established partners create
for their relationships.
a. It is the nucleus of an established intimate culture.
b. Includes management of relational dialectics and communication rules.
3. The deterioration phase of relationships can be examined within the boundaries of a
five-stage model.
a. Both partners individually think about and sometimes brood about dissatisfaction
with the relationship which can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
b. There is a breakdown of established patterns, understandings, and rules.
1. The two greatest problems reported by partners in long-distance relationships are lack
of daily small talk and unrealistic expectations for time together.
2. Partners in long-distance relationships can sustain fulfilling intimacy by finding
creative ways, such as the Internet or exchanging home videos, to communicate
across distance.
B. Ensuring equity in family relationships is challenging.
1. According to equity theory, people are happier and more satisfied with equitable
relationships than inequitable ones.
2. In more dual-worker heterosexual partnerships, women carry most of the burden for
homemaking and childcare.
3. Lesbian couples generally create more equitable relationships than heterosexual or
gay couples.
4. Psychological responsibility involving remembering, planning, and organizing family
responsibilities, is usually assumed by women.
KEY CONCEPTS
Agape
Autonomy/connection
Commitment
Equity theory
Eros
Investment
Ludus
Mania
Matching hypothesis
Neutralization
Novelty/predictability
Openness/closedness
Passion
Personal relationship
Pragma
Psychological responsibility
Reframing
Relationship culture
Relationship dialectics
Rules
Segmentation
Separation
Social relationship
Storge
Turning point
ACTIVITY: Friendship Manual
Purpose/Objective:
To heighten students’ awareness of the rules they follow in their friendships. It also highlights
research on friendship rules in the United States.
ACTIVITY: Advice…Advice Adapted from Terri Wray, George Mason University
Purpose/Objective:
To generate discussion about the nature of personal relationships.
ACTIVITY: Personal Qualifications
Purpose/Objective:
To increase students’ awareness of the bases of romantic attraction and gender differences in
preferences for romantic partners.
JOURNAL ITEMS
1. Describe a friendship you have with a member of your sex. Analyze the extent to which it
conforms to the gender patterns described in the text.
2. Describe a friendship you have with a member of the other sex. Analyze the extent to
which it conforms to the gender patterns described in the text.
3. Talk with two people who are at least twenty years older than you. Ask them to describe
the rules that operate in their friendships. (Note that the concept of “friendship rules” may
be unfamiliar to people who haven’t studied interpersonal communication. Thus, you
may need to adapt your language and ask, for instance, about how their friendships
operate, what they expect, what they count as betrayal or lack of support from friends.)
PANEL IDEAS
1. Plan a panel of volunteers and/or trained professionals who work with victims of
domestic violence. Ask panelists to explain how and why conflict sometimes crosses the
line to physical violence. Also ask panelists to discuss reasons why many victims of
violence don’t leave a batterer. Students often don’t understand that economic
constraints, as well as psychological factors, can make it impossible to “just walk out.”
2. Invite three dual-career couples to talk about their relationships and especially the ways
they communicate. Ideally, couples should represent some diversity in structure
(marriage versus cohabitation), sexual orientation, and race. Invite each couple to make
opening statements about the ways in which being a dual-career couple affects their
interaction. With this panel it is especially important to leave lots of time for students’
questions since they have high personal interest in dual-career couples.
3. Invite members of several non-Western cultures to discuss romantic relationships in their
cultures. Each person should be given time to make an opening statement about romance
in her or his society. Then, encourage panelists to discuss the relationship between
families and married couples, the gender roles prescribed for wives and husbands, social
attitudes toward divorce. Ideally, at least one panelist should represent a culture in which
arranged marriages are still sometimes practiced.
4. Invite four or more gay men and lesbians to talk with the class about their romantic
relationships. Caution both panelists and class members that the discussion is not about
sex, but about overall relationships between gays and lesbians. Remind students that
sexual activities do not define gay and lesbian relationships any more than they define
heterosexual relationships. The panelists will also make this point by discussing the many
dimensions of their romantic relationships. This panel can be very effective in dispelling
misperceptions about gay and lesbian couples.
5. Set up a panel that features individuals who are in committed long-distance romantic
relationships. In advance, ask the panelists to come prepared to discuss the challenges of
long-distance loving and the ways in which they use communication to meet those
challenges.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. Review the rules of friendship covered in your textbook. Analyze how these rules affect,
or do or do not pertain to your own friendships. Are there other rules specific to your
friendships?
2. Think of a time when you had to negotiate intimacy (kissing, hugging, safe sex, etc.).
What relationship dialectics were present? How did you and your partner negotiate the
tensions?
MOVIE—ABOUT A BOY
relationship evolution among the various characters in the film.
COMMUNICATION SCENARIOS DVD
Amy and Hailley became friends at the beginning of the school year when they were placed on
the same hall in a dormitory. Two months ago Hailley started dating Dan. At first, Hailley
seemed happy with Dan, but then she started changing, and Amy is concerned. As you watch and
listen to Amy and Hailley’s conversation, notice verbal and nonverbal communication that
suggests dominance and deference and high and low self-concepts.
1. If you were Hailley’s friend, what responsibilities would you have, if any, for helping
her?
2. If you were Dan’s friend, what might you say to alter his behaviors?
3. How does the concept of reflected appraisal, discussed in Chapter 9, apply to this case?
ESSAY QUESTIONS
MULTIPLE CHOICE
1. Relationships which are governed more by what we do than who we are, are __________.
[p.194, I]
a. personal relationships
b. casual relationships
c. friendships
e. social relationship
3. Relationships are embedded in contexts, meaning that __________. [p. 196-197, I]
d. stabilized relationships become contextualized as they become more embedded in each
other
e. a and c
4. The opposing and continuous tensions found in personal relationships are known as
__________. [p. 197, I]
a. regulative rules
5. Lisa wants some time alone because she feels a need to get in touch with herself as an
individual. However, she also feels the need to share experiences with her partner Bob and
cherishes the time they spend together. The tension these different needs are generating
e. closedness/openness
6. Bob and Patina respond to their tension by deciding to spend part of the weekend together
and part of it engaged in separate activities. This response to relational dialectics is called
__________. [p. 198, III]
e. reframing
7. Gus says he wants to go out to dinner and suggests a pizza at Uno’s. His best friend Jim
replies, “Ah, that’s where we always go. I’m bored with Uno’s. Let’s go somewhere different
tonight.” Gus says, “But I feel really comfortable at Uno’s, it’s so familiar.” The tension
between Gus and Jim reflects __________. [p. 197, III]
a. the autonomy/connection dialectic
8. Dan asked Sarah to come and meet his parents. What is the name for this event that is about
to occur in their relationship? [p.199, III]
e. openness/closeness
9. The stage in an interracial relationship in which the couple struggles with external pressures
is __________. [p. 204, II]
a. racial awareness
b. identity emergence
10. The two greatest influences on initial attraction in romantic relationships are __________.
[p. 201, II]
a. love and commitment
11. Single-mother Michelle worked two jobs while her daughters were growing up so they could
e. storge
12. Which of the following represents the three broad stages of romantic relationships? [p. 201,
II]