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Chapter 9: Gendered Close Relationships
I. The Meaning of Personal Relationships
A. Personal relationships are those in which partners depend upon each other for
various things ranging from material assistance to affection. Partners regard each
other as unique individuals who cannot be replaced. Of the many relationships we
form, only a few become really personal.
B. Models of Personal Relationships: Differences in masculine and feminine
orientations to close relationships often reflect male and female approaches to
relationships.
1. The male deficit model suggests that feminine individuals are relationship
experts and views feminine ways of forming and maintaining relationships
as the “right way” to engage in intimacy and that the masculine style of
building and maintaining relationships is inadequate.
a. The male deficit model views personal, emotional self-disclosure as
the key to close relationships. Emotional talk is seen as the most
important part of intimacy.
b. Much academic and popular sentiment maintains that men are less able
than women to express emotions and to care. These approaches hold
that since self disclosure is so important to intimacy, men’s (and
boys’) friendships are less intimate than women’s (and girls’) and that
men emphasize activities to avoid intimacy.
2. The alternate paths model asserts that there are different routes to creating
and sustaining close relationships that are equally valid for creating
closeness.
a. While this model agrees with the male deficit model that socialization
is the source of differences between men’s and women’s close
relationship, it differs in that it does not assume that masculine people
lack feelings or emotional dept.
b. The alternate paths model suggests that masculine socialization
discourages masculine individuals from expressing their feelings
verbally and limits their chances to practice emotional disclosure.
c. The alternate paths model also argues that masculine people do
express closeness, but that they do so in a way that is different, but
equally valid, ways than feminine people.
d. This model also challenges the research that was used to justify the
male deficit model, noting that these studies defined and measured
men’s closeness using a “feminine ruler” that judged men’s
relationships based on feminine norms.
e. Instead of self-disclosure, masculine people tend to express closeness
by doing things together. This does not mean, however, that they don’t
self-disclose or engage in emotional talk.
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f. The gender of the person needing support also plays a role since
research shows us that both genders tend to be more comforting to a
woman seeking support than a man.
II. Gendered Styles of Friendship
A. There are many similarities between the friendship of most men and women.
1. Both sexes value close friendships and try to take care of those relationships.
2. Both sexes use both instrumental and expressive strategies to build and
maintain their close relationships.
B. Women’s friendships tend to be built through dialogue; typically about personal
feelings, experiences, fears, problems, daily lives, and activities. Talk is the primary
way to build and enrich friendships and exists as an “evolving dialogue.”
1. Because women are generally socialized to be attentive, emotionally
supportive, and caring, it can be difficult for women friends to cope with
feelings of envy and competition.
2. Female friends often discuss the qualities and dimensions of their
relationships explicitly.
3. Women’s friendships are often characterized by breadth that introduces
friends to many different aspects of each other’s lives.
C. Men’s friendships tend to center on doing activities together such as engaging in
sports, watching games, and other shared activities. “Closeness in the doing”
describes the way many men build friendships.
1. Many men perceive talking as one way, rather than the only and best way, to
build relationships. When they do talk, it tends to be about their activities.
Men tend to seek companions, rather than confidants, in their friendships.
2. Men’s friendships may have an instrumental focus, in which men do
things to help one another out. This may also take the form of
diversionary activities when faced with problems rather than explicit,
expressive conversations about them.
3. Men tend to talk indirectly about their serious feelings with other men.
Often serious emotional issues are shrouded in “joke talk.”
4. Men’s relationships may involve covert intimacy, in which affection is
signaled through teasing, friendly competition, playful punches, etc. as a
means of demonstrating care.
5. Men’s friendships tend to be narrower in scope than women’s friendships,
with different friends for various spheres of interest.
D. Friendships Between Women and Men
1. Because of the high emphasis we place on gender in our culture, women and
men may see each other in sexual terms, even when they are not sexually
involved.
2. For many women, a primary benefit of friendships with men is a less
emotionally intense relationship.
3. Men report getting more emotional support and release from their
friendships with women. Women also report getting more emotional support
from their female friends. Both sexes report that their friendships with
women are closer than those with men. This may be why both sexes seek
out their women friends in times of stress.
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III. Gendered Romantic Relationships: Heterosexual romantic relationships tend to follow
a typical script in which traditional gender roles are emphasized.
A. Developing Romantic Intimacy
1. Heterosexual men and women seek fairly traditionally masculine and
feminine partners with men prioritizing physical attractiveness and sexiness
and women prioritizing status and success.
2. Most heterosexual couples conform to a script in which men take a more
active role in planning dates. Gay men and lesbians are less likely to conform
to a standard script.
3. Men actually tend to fall in love faster and harder than women.
a. Men tend to be more active, impulsive, sexual, and fun at the
beginning of relationships.
b. Women tend to be more pragmatic and focused on developing a
friendship.
4. Attitudes towards sexual behavior, while less rigid than in the past, still judge
men and women differently.
a. Women tend to be judged more harshly than men when they have sex
with multiple men.
b. Women tend to engage in sex for intimacy and commitment reasons,
while men are more often motivated by lust and physical pleasure.
5. Women, regardless of sexual orientation, are more likely than men to focus on
relationship dynamics.
6. Committed heterosexual relationships tend to continue to reflect cultural
values and beliefs, with men as the head of the family and primary wage
earner and women as primarily in charge of domestic aspects of the
relationship.
7. Gay and lesbian relationships tend to function like best-friend relationships
with the added aspects of sexuality and romance.
B. Gendered Patterns in Committed Relationships
1. Gendered Modes of Expressing Affection
a. Women tend to create and express closeness through personal, self-
disclosive talk. Men rely more on instrumental displays of affection.
b. Women are often hurt when men don’t want to discuss feelings and
relationships, and men can feel like they’re being pushed when women
expect them to be emotionally expressive.
c. Contemporary American culture values feminine forms of expressing
care, often not recognizing instrumental displays of affection.
d. Lesbian and gay couples may have similar expectations for modes of
expressing care because of socialization into common gender norms,
thus reducing some misunderstandings.
2. Gendered Preferences for Autonomy and Connection
a. Both masculine and feminine individuals desire personal freedom and
a feeling of interconnectedness.
b. Feminine individuals, socialized to focus on relationships, generally
are comfortable with greater levels of connection.
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c. Masculine individuals, socialized towards independence, typically
want greater autonomy.
d. Differences in desire for autonomy and connection can lead to
problems in relationships when behaviors are interpreted from
differing perspectives. This may lead to the demand-withdraw
pattern, in which one partner feels distant so attempts to engage in
close, personal talk leaving the other feeling stifled by the discussion.
e. More damaging, though, is the tendency to interpret each other’s
behavior according to gendered rules that don’t apply to the other’s
behavior. Respect for different needs for autonomy and connection is
essential to a successful relationship.
3. Gendered Responsibility for Relational Health
a. Lesbian couples tend to share responsibility for the relationship.
b. In heterosexual relationships, it is assumed that women should take
primary responsibility for relational maintenance.
c. Expectations for one partner’s responsibilities for ensuring relational
health can lead to problems. Greater satisfaction has been identified
in relationships where relational maintenance is shared.
4. Gendered Power Dynamics
a. Since historically the person who makes the most money in a
heterosexual relationship has tended to be given the most power,
men’s traditional breadwinner role has afforded them the greater
power in many relationships. This dynamic tends not to be present in
lesbian relationship, but can cause competition of status and
dominance in relationships between gay men.
b. Tensions may arise over the role of the primary breadwinner,
particularly for those who subscribe to traditional gender roles, but
whose paychecks violate these expectations.
c. People who adhere to traditional gender role views in marriages but in
which the woman earns more than the man are more likely to
experience decreases in self-esteem and marital satisfaction than
people in marriages with less adherence to traditional gender roles.
d. In heterosexual relationships, women tend to do more work in the
home, including housework and caregiving, than do men. This is true
even when both partners work and even when the woman earns
considerably more than the man.
e. Referred to as the “second shift,” women’s duties of taking care of the
home and family members after arriving home from work tend to be
taxing, routine, repetitive, and not very rewarding.
i. Reasons why men and women engage in differing amounts of
domestic labor are complex and include adherence to
traditional gender ideology, a woman’s access to relationship
alternatives, and a desire for equity.
ii. Because many women consider becoming a mother to be a
“choice,” they may assume they are responsible to meet all of
the demands related to that choice.
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iii. Although men continue to do less domestic labor than women,
men’s participation in the domestic sphere has increased
considerably since the 1960s.
iv. Psychological responsibility for planning and remembering
things that need to be done increases the burdens of second
shift duties.
v. Consequences of the second shift include stress, fatigue,
illness, and resentment. Heterosexual couples who share
equally in running a home and raising a family are the most
satisfied.
f. Another indicator of power dynamics is how couples manage conflict.
i. Masculine individuals tend to use unilateral strategies to
engage in and to avoid conflicts through strategies such as
issuing ultimatums, refusing to discuss an issue, or to assert the
problem is being blown out of proportion.
ii. Feminine individuals tend to employ indirect strategies when
they do engage in conflict, or to defer or compromise to reduce
tension.
g. Gendered power dynamics are also reflected in patterns of violence
and abuse.
i. Acts of violence tend to be inflicted most typically by men who
have been socialized into masculine identities and cuts across
race, ethnic, and class lines.
ii. Violent behavior is a product of gender, not sex. One study
reported that both male and female abusers tend to have a
masculine gender orientation.
Journal Entries
1. Observe and analyze gendered patterns of communication in a close friendship you have
with someone of the other sex. How do these patterns reflect or vary from ones discussed
in the text and class?
2. Observe and analyze gendered interaction patterns in a romantic relationship you
have or one you were involved in previously. Do patterns reflect or vary from ones
discussed in the text and class?
3. Brainstorm on society’s messages concerning the importance or nonimportance of
friendships. Which are we told to value the most: family, friends, or romantic
partners? Why?
4. Knowing that those individuals who are socialized into masculine identities engage
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in more acts of violence, what can we as a society do to change notions of masculinity?
Reflect on images in the media, messages from family members, and how roles are defined
in close relationships to help answer the question.
5. Talk with an older relative or friend about their views regarding friendships and romantic
relationships. Are your relative’s/friend’s assumptions about friendship and romantic
relationship norms similar to or different from yours? Are they similar to or different from
the patterns discussed in Chapter 9? What do the similarities/differences suggest about
changing norms of gender, friendships, and romantic relationships?
Suggested Activities
1. Wish List Exercise: The “Wish List Exercise” is intended to encourage men and women
to talk about the differences they perceive in communication patterns of the sexes. Divide
the class into groups of four to five students, all of the same sex. Instruct the groups that
they are to develop a list of problems they recurrently encounter in relationships with the
other sex. Next and more importantly, tell the groups they must explain what they would
do to improve the situation. They may choose to focus on the process of communication in
these situations, or the outcome. Basically, ask them what men or women could do
differently in these instances to make them more comfortable.
After the groups have developed a list of situations and solutions, over a period of 15 to 20
minutes, pull the class back together. Allow each group to share one or two of the issues
they recognized and solutions they proposed. The role of the instructor is very important in
this exercise for keeping order and making sure students stay on track. It is easy for their
conversations to turn into “gripe” sessions, with little hope for constructive discussion.
Make sure to push the groups to offer solutions and be prepared to offer your ideas on these
issues. Also, be very aware of the classroom climate; it is vital that students listen to other
groups’ observations and respect the differing views that inevitably surface.
In our classrooms, situations voiced by students cover a range of issues. One group of
female students said they felt violated and unimportant when men stared at their breasts
and bodies, rather than looking them in the eyes. These women offered the solution that
men interact with them with the attitude that women are intelligent human beings with
minds, thoughts, and ideas, not sexual objects.
A group of male students complained that they no longer understood the expectations of
women regarding their role as men. The men were afraid to open doors for women and pay
for dates because they no longer knew if these chosen behaviors were expected by, or
offensive to, women. The men asked that women be more open and less confrontational in
communicating about these issues and not assume they are being “male chauvinist pigs.”
The “Wish List Exercise” inevitably opens tremendous dialogue between the sexes. In
your role as instructor, you may choose to serve as moderator in these discussions; if you
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have a particularly vocal class where tensions run high, it may be necessary to limit
responses from groups to situations offered by other groups. In our experiences with this
exercise, the discussions carry on after class in hallways, over tables at lunch, and in
relationships with others who are not students in the class.
2. Let’s Go to Dinner: Go online to obtain a menu from a nice and/or up-scale local
restaurant and distribute it to your students. With each menu, include one of the following
scenarios:
“You are on a first date with someone who you find attractive and interesting. Peruse the
menu and take notes about what you would order, including appetizers, entrees, desert,
and drinks.”
“You are meeting a group of close friends for dinner. Peruse the menu and take notes
about what you would order, including appetizers, entrees, desert, and drinks.”
“You and your long-term partner are out for dinner. Peruse the menu and take notes about
what you would order, including appetizers, entrees, desert, and drinks.”
After students have made their choices, compare and contrast ordering patterns.
Depending on the size of the class, you may choose to do this in small groups or in a large
group format. Ask students to consider their choices. Did men order differently, in
general, than women? Did men/women order differently depending on whether they
imagined they were on a first date, with a group of friends, or with a long-term partner?
What do the ordering patterns suggest about students’ assumptions about romantic
relationships, friendships, and gender?
3. Gendered Relationships in Film: Another option for structuring a day of class discussion
would involve clips from movies that represent dimensions of friendships and romantic
relationships discussed in the text and class. We have incorporated four- or five-minute
segments from films such as The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants or Waiting to Exhale
(which present women’s friendships), Dead Poets’ Society or Good Will Hunting (which
illustrate friendships between men), and When Harry Met Sally (which includes interesting
examples of mixed-sex friendship and heterosexual romantic relationships). Choosing and
editing representative clips from videotapes does take some time, but students respond
favorably to the use of video in the classroom. Allow the portions of the films you select to
structure discussion of aspects of friendships and romantic relationships portrayed in the
films.
4. Gendered Romantic Relationship Advice: Have students bring in popular magazines that
focus in some way on close relationships (most popular, nonactivity specific magazines do;
examples include Cosmopolitan, Glamour, and GQ). Ask students to examine a magazine
in small groups to determine what it teaches about close relationships (friendships or
romantic relationships). They should identify expectations about partners, behaviors, and
feelings. You may want to bring in some additional magazines (perhaps ones whose target
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audience would not necessarily be your students). After the students have had time to
discuss their magazine in small groups, they should present their findings to the class.
Allow time for discussion about the implications of such texts.
5. Communicating with Men and Women: In order for this activity to work, students will
need to bring their laptops or cell phones to class. Ask the students to pull up their
Facebook page (or, if they do not have one or cannot view it, to review the text messages
saved on their phone). On Facebook, they can use the “wall–to–wall” feature to examine a
conversation with a male friend and a conversation with a female friend. (On their phones
they can review conversations in their inboxes and outboxes.) Ask them to see if they can
see if (and if so, how) their communication is different with male friends and female
friends. The following questions may be considered: (a) If you communicate differently
with male and female friends, are you aware of it? Why do you do it? (b) If you do not
communicate differently, why do you think that is? Do you use a more masculine or
feminine style? Although this activity could be done without looking at specific
conversations, it works better to do so because students may see something they do not
realize they are doing. It is also a good opportunity for you to emphasize that not all men
are masculine communicators and not all women are feminine communicators.
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JUDGMENT CALL #9:
SHOULD SAME SEX EDUCATION BE ALLOWED IN SCHOOLS THAT
RECEIVE FEDERAL SUPPORT?
Title IX states that schools that receive federal funds cannot discriminate on the basis of
sex. Thus, schools that accept federal support must not show preference to either sex in
admission, and they must provide “equal opportunities” in school-sponsored courses, co-
curricular, and athletic activities.
Title IX was recently tested when women applied to the Citadel, a military training
school in South Carolina that had admitted only males since it opened its doors. The Citadel
went through several levels of court battles in its fight to remain an exclusively male school, but
the Citadel lost the fight. The courts ruled that as long as the Citadel accepted federal funds, it
must admit qualified women who want to enroll in one of the top military training institutions.
To do otherwise would be to refuse to provide women with the same opportunities to prepare for
military careers that men have historically had.
Even though Title IX prohibits discrimination by schools receiving federal support, some
educators believe that sex-segregated education is desirable—at least in some cases. For
example, research has shown that many female students learn more in sex-segregated math and
science classes. Studies also show that a greater percentage of women who attend traditional
women’s colleges become leaders in business and government than women who attend co-
educational schools.
Yet the law is very clear. Any school that accepts federal funds must provide equal
opportunities to students of both sexes and all races. Supporters of these laws argue that sex-
segregated education exists now and can continue to exist in private schools, but not in schools
that receive federal funding.
Is it acceptable to have sex-segregated education (classes or whole schools) when federal
support is provided? As you reflect on the question, consider these prompts and consult the
websites listed below:
Can separate education be “equal”? Is it possible that women and men are more
likely to receive an equal quality education if they are in separate classes or schools?
To learn more about research (pro and con) on sex-segregated education and about
alternative ways of achieving gender equity in education visit this site:
http://www.now.org/issues/education/single-sex-education-comments.html
Should federal funding be a criterion for making decisions about how educational
institutions operate?
Does historic discrimination (both legal and attitudinal) against women justify
providing special educational opportunities to girls and women today?
Is it fair to argue that there should be women only classes in science and math
because those classes benefit women, and, at the same time, to argue that historically
male institutions such as the Citadel should not be allowed to exclude women?
If women are admitted to formerly all-male schools, should the schools adjust their
policies and practices? The Citadel, for example, prides itself on harsh discipline,
lack of privacy, and punitive treatment of students.
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To gain understanding of military institutions and how their history might affect your judgment
on the issue of admitting women, visit these websites:
Virginia Military Academy: http://www.vmi.edu/
The Citadel: http://citadel.edu/
Military Schools—Military Schools for Boys: http://www.army-
navyacademy.com/
NOW (National Organization for Women): http://www.now.org/
After entering the site, go to the issues tab and select “women in the military.”
References
Spender, D. (1989). Invisible Women: The Schooling Scandal. London: Women’s
Press.
Sadker, M., & Sadker, D. (1994). Failing at Fairness: How America’s Schools
Shortchange Girls. New York: Simon and Schuster. Go to Amazon.Com to read reviews of this
book.
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Chapter 9: Gendered Close Relationships
Multiple Choice
1. How do masculine people, often men, who are friends tend to build closeness?
A. share activities
B. talk about their friendship
C. engage in personal disclosure
D. engage in small talk
E. masculine people who are friends do not build closeness
2. Why are men assumed by some approaches to personal relationships to be deficient at
developing and sustaining personal relationships?
A. Men have been proven empirically to be bad at relationships.
B. Women have been proven empirically to be the best at relationships.
C. Many studies of men’s relationships use the “feminine ruler” of talk as the basis of
close relationships to judge men’s relationships.
D. Both A and B.
E. All of the above.
3. Lesbian relationships tend to be
A. nonmonogamous.
B. low in disclosure and support.
C. egalitarian in distributing responsibilities for maintaining the relationship.
D. primarily based on doing things rather than talking.
E. longer-lasting than heterosexual relationships.
4. Which of the following is true about romantic relationships?
A. Women tend to fall in love faster and harder than men.
B. Women perceive of love in terms of taking trips to romantic places, spontaneously
making love, and surprising their partners.
C. In romantic relationships between women and men, attitudes toward sexual activity
have undergone profound changes over the last several decades.
D. Women are more likely than men to focus on relationship dynamics.
E. All of the above.
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5. Emily feels that she and her partner Luke spend too much time together, and she wants
more time for her individual interests and activities. Luke feels that they should spend
most of their time with each other. The tension between them reflects
A. tension over autonomy and connection.
B. tension over bonding rituals.
C. differences between desires for doing and talking.
D. differences between desires for expression and instrumentality.
E. none of the above.
6. Kaitlin and her partner Adam have spent a lot of time fighting and avoiding each other
recently. Kaitlin is upset about the situation and wants to fix the problem. Adam
doesn’t seem to have noticed that anything is wrong. Kaitlin takes it upon herself to
start a conversation with Adam about their issues. This reflects Kaitlin and Adam’s
A. tension between autonomy and connection.
B. differing ways of showing affection.
C. gendered responsibility for relational health.
D. gendered power dynamics.
E. none of the above.
7. Working women in heterosexual relationships typically engage in the majority of home
and family care taking duties, which are frequently routine, repetitive, and constrained
by deadlines. The term that this statement best defines is
A. psychological responsibility.
B. wonder woman syndrome.
C. soccer mom.
D. second-shift job.
E. the Mommy Myth.
8. Which of the following are features of feminine (often female) friendships?
A. They often contain covert intimacy.
B. Doing activities together is the primary way to build closeness.
C. The friends do things for each other to show that they care.
D. They are less likely than men’s friendships to last if one friend moves away.
E. None of the above.
9. Which of the following is true about nonromantic friendships between men and women?
A. For many women, a primary benefit of friendships with men is that they are
emotionally closer than their friendships with women.
B. For many men, a primary benefit of friendships with women is that they are lighter
and more fun than their friendships with men.
C. In friendships between women and men, men typically talk more and get more
attention than they offer.
D. Nonromantic friendships between women and men have the advantage of being free
from sexual tension.
E. Both women and men tend to seek out men in times of stress.
10. Gender differences are apparent in the ways people manage conflict. Feminine people,
in general, tend to respond to conflict by
A. defering or compromising to reduce tension.
B. issuing ultimatums.
C. refusing to listen or discuss an issue.
D. asserting that the partner is blowing things out of proportion.
E. all of the above.
11. Which of the following tends to be true about lesbian relationships?
A. One partner tends to be expected to be the breadwinner.
B. They tend to be based on tangible investments such as money and possessions.
C. They tend to be bound by traditional gender roles.
D. The partners involved tend to have the most equality of all types of relationships.
E. None of the above.
True/False
12. In heterosexual couples in which the woman earns substantially more than the man, the man
performs the majority of household labor.
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13. In a heterosexual relationship, the male partner would be the one most likely to be
responsible for remembering the child’s doctor’s appointments.
14. Typically, men do not value friendships as much as women.
15. Cross-sex friendships tend to benefit women more than men.
16. Men who have sex with a lot of partners tend to be judged more harshly than women who do
the same.
17. Gay and lesbian relationships tend to follow a best-friend model with the additional
dimensions of sexuality and romance.
18. Lesbians report greater satisfaction with their romantic relationships than either gay men or
heterosexuals.
19. The demand-withdraw pattern explains why sexual tension often exists in cross-sex
friendships
20. Regardless of sexual orientation, most couples have one partner that takes on most of the
burden of caring for the relational health of the couple.
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ANS: F
REF: p. 198
21. Socialization into gendered speech communities can make it challenging for men and women
to be friends.
22. Gay and lesbian couples tend to share perspectives on how to communicate affection.
Identification
23. Male deficit model
24. Second shift
25. Alternative paths model
26. The Mommy Myth
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27. Psychological responsibility
28. Feminine ruler:
Essays
29. Identify general patterns of similarities and differences in how masculine and feminine
communication occurs within same sex friendships. (To make this question more challenging
and integrate Chapter 7 material, add: Explain how these differences grow out of gendered
family socialization.)
30. The author of your textbook writes that gendered orientations influence four dimensions of
long-term love relationships: modes of expressing care, needs for autonomy and connection,
responsibility for relational maintenance, and power. Discuss how heterosexual couples may
differ from same-sex couples on two of the four dimensions.
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31. Describe the division of labor in a typical heterosexual household. Why does the division
exist in this form? Do you think it is possible for the division of labor in the home to be exactly
equal? Why or why not?
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32. Reflect on a nonromantic, close, same-sex friendship. In what ways does your friendship
match or deviate patterns of friendships described in the book?
33. One way to pose questions for this (and several other) chapters is to present them as advice
column questions, with the students being the “experts” who respond. Another similar option is
to present a question as if it is the student’s friend asking him/her for advice since the friend
knows the student is in a Gender and Communication class. Students tend to enjoy these
questions and they give them the opportunity to integrate the material in ways that are applicable
to their lives. It is often helpful to integrate material from several chapters in the questions.
Some examples include:
anymore. What should I do?
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Scared Senior
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seems like the best thing to do is for you both to talk openly about this. Try to understand
that Andrew is not trying to take over your life or be intrusive, he just cares about you.
Hopefully he can try to understand that you are not uninterested and want to make your
together time special.
Best of luck!
Communication Expert
REF: pp. 197-198
6. In the movie When Harry Met Sally, Harry says to Sally that men and women cannot be
friends. Your book discusses some challenges and benefits of cross-sex friendships. Note at
least two challenges and two benefits of cross-sex friendships. For each of the challenges you
mention, note one way that friends could help to navigate that potential issue.