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5.12 Document for Analysis: Weak E-Mail Message
Dangling modifiers: Sentences 3, 11, 17
Passive voice: Sentences 1, 4, 5, 11, 12, 13, 17
Fragments: Sentences 8, 14, 16
Suggested Revision
Dear Mr. Long:
1You probably chose 24-Hour Gym here in Seattle because it is one of the top-rated gyms in the
Northwest. 2Our principal goal has always been making your workouts productive. 3To continue
to provide you with the best equipment and programs, we need your feedback.
424-Hour Gym provides an outstanding program with quality equipment and excellent trainers.
5However, we could give more individual attention to our customers if we could extend our peak
usage time. 6You have probably noticed that attendance at the gym increases from 4 p.m. to 8
p.m. 7We wish it were possible to accommodate all our customers on their favorite equipment
during those hours. 8Although we can’t stretch an hour, 9we would like to make better use of the
time between 8 p.m. and 11 p.m. 10If more members came later, the gym would have less crush
from 4 p.m. to 8 p.m.
11To encourage you to stay later, my partner and I are considering adding security cameras for
our parking area. 12We may also add cameras for some inside facilities. 13We have given this
matter considerable thought, 14although Body Fitness has never previously had an incident that
endangered a member.
15Please fill in the attached interactive questionnaire, 16which will give us instant feedback about
scheduling your workouts. 17By completing this questionnaire, you will help us schedule
workouts and training sessions to give you exactly the equipment and trainers you prefer.
Cordially,
