Chapter 5: Gendered Verbal Communication
I. Verbal Communication Expresses Cultural Views of Gender
A. Male Generic Language Excludes Women
1. Male generic language (chairman, mailman, mankind, he) claims to include
both sexes, yet research studies have shown people associate males only
with generic terms with much greater frequency than they associate
females with them.
2. Because of the evidence provided by these studies, most dictionary and
newspaper writing style manuals have policies requiring inclusive language
and warn against using male generic language.
B. Language Defines Men and Women Differently
1. Women are frequently defined by appearance and by relationships with
others, while men are more often defined by activities, accomplishments, and
positions.
2. Language reflects social views of women as passive and men as active.
For instance, phrases to suggest sexual activity imply that men are active and
women are passive (e.g., She got laid, He screwed her.)
3. Language reflects social views of women as defined by their relationships
with others instead of independent agents. For example, women who don’t
marry have been viewed in western cultures as failures.
4. Women are traditionally expected to change their names when they get
married, while men are not.
a. There are other options (hyphenation, creating a new name).
b. Matriarchal means “rule by mothers” and values women. Some
people choose to rename themselves based on a matriarchal lineage.
C. Language Shapes Awareness of Gendered Issues
1. Language shapes awareness of what is important and helps us define
realities.
2. When something is named (e.g., sexual harassment, date rape), it is easier to
recognize it, think about it, and stop it.
3. Language is always changing. We shift our use of words to help create
realities that are important to us. People shape language and language shapes
people and culture.
D. Language Organizes Perceptions of Gender
1. A stereotype is a generalization about a group based on (often limited)
information about some people who are part of that group.
a. Stereotypes overlook individual characteristics and differences.
b. Women are often stereotyped as overly emotional and weak while men
tend to be stereotyped as rational and strong.
2. Polarized thinking is looking at things as complete and distinct opposites.
a. For instance, assuming something is either right or wrong and there is
no area in between is polarized thinking.
b. The English language encourages polarized thinking by having few
words that indicate fine levels of distinction.
c. Queer performative theory challenges polarized language for sex,
gender, and sexual orientation.
E. Language Evaluates Gender
1. Language frequently devalues females and femininity.
a. Women are described as immature or juvenile (e.g., girl, baby doll), or
equated with food (e.g., sweet thing, sugar) or animals (e.g., chick,
bitch).
b. Diminutive suffixes designate women as reduced forms of the male
standard (e.g., majorette).
c. Women are often blamed with language (e.g., slut) for the same
behavior men are celebrated with language for doing (e.g., stud).
F. Language Allows Self-Reflection
1. Because we use symbols to communicate, language shapes how we think of
ourselves in addition to how we see the world around us.
2. Meanings of language change over time. For example, what is considered
“fat” now may have been considered slim several decades ago.
3. Androgyny is an alternative to the feminine-masculine gender binary.
Androgynous people are both feminine and masculine. Being androgynous
behaviorally tends to relate to more professional success.
II. Gendered Styles of Verbal Communication
A. Male people tend to be socialized in masculine ways, and female people tend to be
socialized in feminine ways. This is not always the case, and it is important to
remember that some people do not define themselves as male or female, masculine or
feminine. However, there are general statements we can make about feminine and
masculine gendered communication.
B. Gendered Speech Communities
1. A speech community is a group of people who have a common understanding
of communication goals, how to reach those goals, and interpretation of
communication.
2. Males and females tend to be socialized into masculine and feminine speech
communities through games. These gendered speech communities share
communication practices and often underlie common misinterpretations
between members of different speech communities.
C. Lessons of Children’s Play
1. Researchers have drawn connections between the ways children play and how
they communicate. This pattern seems to develop since children tend to play
in sex-segregated groups and play different kinds of games based on those
groups.
2. Boys’ games are often played in large groups, are competitive, have clear
goals, include roughhousing, and have distinct rules and roles. They
emphasize four main aspects of communication that cultivate competition
and individuality:
a. Use communication to assert ideas, opinions, and identity.
b. Use communication to achieve a specific goal.
c. Use communication to get others’ attention.
d. Use communication to maintain control of the attention.
3. Girls’ games are often played in small groups or pairs and often do not have
clear rules or roles. Players must talk to work out the rules, and talking is a
key part of playing. For instance, girls often play house or school. They
emphasize four main aspects of communication that cultivate interpersonal
relationships:
a. Use communication to create and sustain relationships.
b. Use communication to establish equality.
c. Use communication to include others.
d. Use communication to show caring.
4. The conclusion here is that girls tend to engage in more cooperative play
while boys engage in instrumental and competitive play. These patterns tend
to play out in adult communication as well.
D. Gendered Communication Practices
1. Feminine speech communities view communication as a tool for
establishing and sustaining interpersonal relationships. Communication in
feminine speech communities:
a. Fosters connections
b. Equalizes status
c. Shows support for others
d. Does conversational “maintenance work” that invites others to be part
of conversation
e. Demonstrates responsiveness
f. Shares personal information, with details, personal disclosures, and
concrete details
g. Is often tentative (using verbal hedges and tag questions)
i. Some controversy surrounds this with Robin Lakoff’s
argument that hedges make women’s speech “powerless” by
indicating a lack of confidence.
ii. However, Lakoff’s argument relies on using masculine speech
as the standard and interpreting feminine speech through a
masculine lens.
2. Masculine speech communities view communication as a way to establish
goals, exert control, preserve independence, entertain, and enhance
status. Communication in masculine speech communities:
a. Establishes status and control
b. Is used to accomplish an instrumental objective
c. Gains and maintains conversational command
i. Interruption is one characteristic of this. While both genders
interrupt, masculine communicators tend to do so more
frequently.
ii. Masculine and feminine communicators also differ in their
reasons for interrupting. Masculine communicators interrupt to
take control of the conversation while feminine communicators
interrupt to indicate interest and respond to others.
d. Is direct and assertive
e. Is often abstract (rather than personal)
f. Includes minimal response cues (small verbal cues that one is paying
attention rather than specific responses) and is less emotionally
responsive
3. The Gender-Linked Language Effect
a. Whether a person assumes a masculine or feminine style of speech is
affected by a number of factors, including topic, speaker status,
conversational partners, and the significance of gender to the
conversation.
b. Gender is not static; it is highly dynamic and the extent to which
communication reflects gender depends on the context and other
factors.
E. Gender-Based Misinterpretations in Communication
1. Showing support
a. People who are feminine communicators often want to talk about a
problem while masculine communicators want to solve it.
b. This often leaves both communicators feeling unsupported.
c. Showing sympathy can be interpreted as condescending by masculine
communicators, but is seen as a way of showing support by feminine
communicators.
2. “Troubles talk”
a. Masculine communicators tend to be direct and impersonal when
communicating, while feminine communicators seek and give
empathy and emotional support.
b. This often leads to masculine communicators believing that feminine
communicators are stage hogging and feminine communicators
thinking that masculine communicators are not understanding their
problem.
3. The point of the story
a. Masculine communicators tend to tell a story in a linear, chronological
way, while feminine communicators tend to tell stories in less
structured formats.
b. Masculine communicators often feel that feminine communicators fail
to move quickly to the point of the story, and feminine communicators
often feel that masculine communicators don’t include important
relationship-level details.
4. Relationship talk
a. Masculine communicators tend to talk about a relationship only when
there is a problem and feminine communicators tend to want to
regularly check in about the state of the relationship.
b. Masculine communicators may be nervous, annoyed, or otherwise
dislike it when a relationship partner wants to “talk about us,” while
feminine communicators are comforted by such talk.
5. Public speaking
a. A masculine speaking style is generally the standard for public
speaking.
b. This means feminine communicators are judged by standards that are
contrary to their preferred manner of communication.
6. Differing communication styles can lead to many misunderstandings.
Generally, people who can incorporate both feminine and masculine styles are
seen as better communicators than those who only exhibit one style.
Journal Entries
1. Discuss your conversational rules for your speech community. Do you feel more
comfortable engaging in a predominately feminine or masculine speech style?
2. What are the advantages of being able to engage comfortably in both masculine and
feminine styles of speech?
3. Violate a gender prescription for verbal communication and analyze the consequences in
terms of how others responded to you and how you felt. How does this challenge or
reinforce cultural prescriptions for gender?
1. Look at the website www.thesaurus.com. Enter the terms “female” and “male” as search
terms using the thesaurus option. How would you classify the words this search engine
displays to describe these two terms? How do these relate to the ways language defines
gender, organizes perceptions of gender, and/or evaluates gender?
2. Watch an episode of your favorite television program. Does the episode support or
contradict Wood’s claim that women typically are defined (and valued) by appearances and
relationships and that men typically are defined (and valued) through activities,
accomplishments, or positions? Why or why not? Reference specific plot lines or ways of
representing women and men to support your answer. Additionally, determine whether
characters use masculine or feminine communication styles. Again, be specific in your
response.
InfoTrac Activities
1. Choose the Advanced Search option using InfoTrac College Edition. Select keyword and
type “sexism in language.” Scroll down your screen until you see a link entitled, Hey, lady
… you’’ll have to leave now, by Kim Ode. Do you find Ode’s argument compelling? What
are the differences in calling a group of females “ladies” versus “women”?
2. Choose the Advanced Search option using InfoTrac College Edition. Select title and type
“I’m sorry, I’m not apologizing” by Deborah Tannen. According to Tannen, how do
gendered styles of speech tend to create conflicts between men and women? What does she
advocate as a solution?
Suggested Activities
1. “That’s How Men/Women Are”: One instructor who teaches this course has developed a
wonderful exercise that could be used in any chapter. The idea is to have students spend 5
to 10 minutes in class writing down, for example, what most frustrates them in
2. Examining Sexist Language: Two articles that are useful in conjunction with this chapter
are Sherryl Kleinman’s Why Sexist Language Matters and Douglas R. Hofstadter’s A
Person Paper on Purity in Language. These succinct and powerful essays often invite
vigorous debate and critique of sexist language. Ask for your students’ reactions to and
comments on Kleinman and Hofstadter. Do they feel differently regarding sexist language
after reading these pieces? Is the analogy to race legitimate? Insightful? Persuasive? Does
a change in language possess the potential to be a catalyst for other kinds of change?
3. Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men in the Workplace: Compiled and narrated by
Deborah Tannen, Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men in the Workplace provides real-
life examples of masculine and feminine communication patterns utilized by people in
4. Examining One’s Own Gendered Language: Students tend to be somewhat aware of how
men and women are defined differently through language; however, they are often surprised
by how often they (themselves) use language to define men and women differently. Provide
5. Looking for Gendered Language: This activity can be performed two ways. Bring either
an episode of a sitcom or reality television show or a set of newspapers to class. Ask the
class to watch (or review) the material, looking for examples of gendered language. In the
6. Report Talk/Rapport Talk—Experiencing the Differences: The exercise that follows
(after exercise 5) is based on report and rapport talk, discussed by Deborah Tannen (1990)
in her popular book You Just Don’t Understand. To conduct the exercise, divide the class
into pairs and distribute a copy of the exercise to each student. If possible, form mixed-sex
groups among the students. The exercise contains two situations that allow students to role
USING LANGUAGE TO DEFINE MEN AND WOMEN
Survey A:
Kiley was really excited about the party she and her friends were going to over the weekend
because there were supposed to be a lot of hot guys there, and Kiley had only hooked up with
one guy since she had gotten to school a month ago. When they got to the party, Kiley had a
couple of drinks and met Mateo. Mateo seemed cool for a while, and the two kissed some as
they danced. Kiley lost interest in Mateo, though, because he wasn’t as outgoing as she would
college. When Dameon asked her if she wanted to come back to his dorm for the night, Kiley
figured she might as well go because she hadn’t seen Lucas in over an hour. Eventually that
night, Kiley and Dameon had sex, and Kiley went back to her dorm the next morning.
Respond to the following questions:
1. On the following scale, rank Kiley as you perceive her in terms of promiscuity:
1 2 3 4 5
Not promiscuous Very promiscuous
2. On the following scale, rank Kiley as you would compare her to other college women:
1 2 3 4 5
Very much like Not at all like
other women other women
3. How many sexual partners would you guess that Kiley has had in her lifetime?
0-3 4-7 8-11 12 +
4. Having about how many sexual partners would classify a 19- or 20-year-old woman as
promiscuous?
0-3 4-7 8-11 12 + other: _________
Survey B:
Kyle was really excited about the party he and his friends were going to over the weekend
because there were supposed to be a lot of hot girls there, and Kyle had only hooked up with one
woman since he had gotten to school a month ago. When they got to the party, Kyle had a
couple of drinks and met Bridgette. Bridgette seemed cool for a while, and they kissed some as
they danced. Kyle lost interest in Bridgette, though, because she wasn’t as outgoing as he would
have liked. After hanging out with his friends for about 20 minutes, he met Tinisha, who he
When Jenna asked him if he wanted to come back to her dorm for the night, Kyle figured he
might as well go because he hadn’t seen Tinisha in over an hour. Eventually that night, Kyle and
Jenna had sex, and Kyle went back to his dorm the next morning.
Respond to the following questions:
1. On the following scale, rank Kyle as you perceive him in terms of promiscuity:
1 2 3 4 5
Not promiscuous Very promiscuous
2. On the following scale, rank Kyle as you would compare him to other college men:
1 2 3 4 5
Very much like Not at all like
other men other men
3. How many sexual partners would you guess that Kyle has had in his lifetime?
0-3 4-7 8-11 12 +
4. Having about how many sexual partners would classify a 19- or 20-year-old man as
promiscuous?
0-3 4-7 8-11 12 + other: _________
REPORT TALK/RAPPORT TALK——EXPERIENCING THE DIFFERENCE
Pair off with a class member, preferably one whose sex differs from your own. With that person,
role play Situation A described below so that one of you presents the problem and the other
responds. First, the responder will engage in report talk, focusing on solutions and information.
Then, retell the problem and let the responder use rapport talk, focusing on listening carefully,
responding to feelings expressed, and being supportive. Now switch roles so that the person who
responded to Situation A is the one telling Situation B described below. Again, the partner
should first respond with report talk and, second, with rapport talk.
After completing all four role plays, discuss the interactions with your partner. Make notes
about how each of you felt as you got each type of response, report and rapport, to your telling of
the story. Did the two kinds of response feel different to you? Did you prefer one over the
other? Did one feel more confirming or helpful? Why? Did you find one kind of response
easier to provide than the other? Why?
SITUATION A
You just got back your first test in one of the courses required in your major, and you made a
62—a D. You need to do well in this course in order to graduate and get a good job. You are
upset and frightened you won’t be able to pull up the grade since you don’t understand the
student to elaborate the description given here.
SITUATION B
You are under incredible stress right now. In order to graduate on time you are taking 18 hours.
In addition, you are working 20 hours a week to make money for tuition and books. To top it all
frustrated about meeting all of your responsibilities, especially with the conflict between your
and Pat’s lifestyles. Talk with your partner about your thoughts and feelings about this problem.
Use your own experiences to supplement what’s described here.