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Chapter 9: Managing Conflict in Relationships
Key Concepts
bracketing
contracting
exit response
flaming
games
grace
interpersonal conflict
kitchen-sinking
lose–lose
loyalty response
neglect response
passive aggression
voice response
win–lose
win–win
Chapter Outline
I.
Conflict is defined as existing when individuals in I–You or I–Thou relationships
have different views, interests, or goals and feel a need to resolve those differences.
A.
It is an expressed disagreement, struggle, or discord.
B.
Conflict can occur only between people who perceive themselves as interdependent at the
time of the conflict.
C.
There is a felt need for resolution.
II.
There are basic principles of conflict.
A.
Conflict is natural in most Western relationships.
B.
Conflict may be open, explicit, or overt, or it may be hidden, implicit, or covert.
1.
Passive aggression, a common form of covert conflict, occurs when
individuals act aggressively, but deny the aggressive behavior.
2.
Covert conflict often happens through games in which real conflicts are
hidden or denied.
C.
Social influences (cultural background, social communities, gender,
race/ethnicity, and sexual orientation) affect our orientation toward and responses
to conflict.
D.
Conflict can be managed well or poorly. How conflicts are managed directly
influences the future of the relationship.
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E.
Conflict can be good for individuals and relationships.
III.
There are three basic orientations people have toward conflict.
A.
A lose–lose approach assumes that expressing conflict is unhealthy for
everyone involved in the relationship.
This approach works well when we are trying to figure out if we need to engage
in conflict, especially if the issue is less important than others.
B.
A win–lose approach assumes that expressing conflict leads to one
person benefiting and the other person not achieving a desired outcome.
C.
A win–win approach assumes that expressing conflict leads to all people
involved working together to come up with a solution that is acceptable to
everyone.
IV.
Most people have relatively consistent patterns they employ to respond to conflict.
A.
We use exit responses when we leave the relationship, either physically or
psychologically.
B.
We use neglect responses when we minimize or deny the conflict exists.
C.
We use loyalty responses when we remain committed to continuing the
relationship and choose the put up with the differences.
D.
We use voice responses when we actively seek to talk openly about and resolve
the conflict.
V.
The communication pattern we choose during conflict can help or hinder the relationship.
A.
Unproductive communication damages efforts to resolve the conflict, harms
individuals, and jeopardizes relational health.
1.
Early in the process, we use communication that disconfirms the other
person.
2.
Middle stages, people engage in kitchen-sinking fighting, which means
they throw everything in an argument. Cross-complaining happens when
one person’s complaint is met by a counter complaint.
3.
In the later stages of the conflict, all parties feel the pressure to resolve the
conflict, usually on their own terms rather than taking the other person’s
proposals into account.
B.
Constructive communication is open, nonjudgmental, confirming, and
nonstrategic.
1.
In the early stages, people confirm each other by recognizing and
acknowledging each other’s concerns and feelings; when the conflict
arises, they know that they are both working together to come up with a
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solution.
2.
In the middle stages, everyone focuses on the specific issues at hand and
eliminates all potential distractions, including previous conflicts.
Bracketing lets individuals confirm others’ concerns by dealing with them
later.
3.
In the later stages, both partners engage in contracting, or working to take
parts of each proposal put on the table to agree upon a solution everyone
can accept.
VI.
We also experience conflict in online and digital environments.
A.
One advantage to social media is that we can pause once conflict begins.
B.
Digital and online conflicts have the potential to escalate quickly because it’s
easy to exchange messages you would never say to a person’s face.
C.
Flame wars are generally unproductive.
1.
You can ignore the comments.
2.
You can seek help from a system administrator.
3.
You can move the conversation out of the public space and even
offline.
4.
Consider checking perceptions with others.
VII.
Guidelines for effective communication during conflict.
A.
Focus on the overall communication system.
B.
Time conflict purposefully.
C.
Aim for win–win conflict.
D.
Honor yourself, your partner, and the relationship.
E.
Consider whether it is appropriate to put aside our own needs, or show grace, when there is
no rule or standard that says we should or must grant the other compassion.
Discussion Ideas
• Understanding the Difference between Conflict and Disagreement: Ask students to
generate a list of times they believe they have engaged in conflict within the last 2 weeks.
After they generate the list, ask them to choose one to share with the class and illustrate how
it meets or does not meet the requirements for conflict (which include expressed
disagreement, interdependence, and opposition).
• Improving Conflict Communication: Ask students, for examples, of each of the five
guidelines for improving conflict communication. Ask students to discuss whether they
believe those guidelines are important or not. In addition, ask students if they believe there
are any other guidelines that they would add or if there are any guidelines that they would
delete and why.
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• Examining Realistic and Unrealistic Conflict: Choose two television clips or episodes: one
that illustrates constructive ways of dealing with conflict and one that illustrates destructive
ways of dealing with conflict (soap operas are usually good examples of this if you can get a
long enough clip to illustrate your point). Ask students to rewrite the scripts so that the
constructive clip or episode is now destructive and the destructive clip or episode is now
constructive. Student responses will vary, but the revised scripts will probably incorporate
principles of effective conflict, which include focusing on the overall communication system,
timing conflict effectively, aiming for win–win conflict, honoring self, other, and
relationship, as well as showing grace and letting go when appropriate.
• Generating Different Responses to Conflict: For each of the scenarios presented, ask
students to write a response that reflects each of the possible response types (exit, voice,
loyalty, and neglect). After they generate their response, you can have a discussion on what
aspects of the various responses indicate a supportive or defensive communication climate.
Possible student responses are placed in parentheses after the first four scenarios to illustrate
exit, voice, loyalty, and neglect responses to conflict.
o The person you have been dating suggests that it’s time the two of you talked
about commitment. You feel unready to discuss a serious relationship, but your
partner insists that he or she thinks the two of you need to talk about it. (An exit
response might include you psychologically withdrawing from the situation.)
o One of your friends brings up a political race, and you make a comment about the
strengths of the candidate you support. Your friend says, “I can’t believe you
support that jerk. What has he done for the environment?” (A voice response
might include you citing specific environmental issues your candidate has
addressed.)
o One of your co-workers continuously misses deadlines in turning in reports to
you. Since your reports require information from the co-worker’s reports, your
reports also are late. You don’t want your late reports to interfere with your raises
and advancement. You’d like the co-worker to be more prompt. (A neglect
response might be for you to minimize the problem, thinking that it really isn’t that
important after all.)
o You tell your parents you’d like to take a term off from school. They are strongly
opposed to the idea and they tell you to stay in school. (A loyalty response might
include you staying in school to preserve the relationship with your parents and
tolerating the difference of opinion).
o You and your friend generally get together to watch the playoffs at his apartment.
This year, your friend suggests that the two of you go downtown to one of the bars
that has a giant screen. Where you watch doesn’t really matter to you.
• Identifying Orientations to Conflict: For each of the following statements, indicate which
orientation to conflict it most clearly reflects (win–lose, lose–lose, or win–win). Answers are
included in parentheses after each statement.
o We can’t both be satisfied with a resolution to this problem. (Win–lose)
o Since we disagree on where to go for our vacation, let’s just not go anywhere.
(Lose–lose)
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o We are never going to see eye to eye on this. I think my preference should prevail.
(Win–lose)
o I think if we keep talking, we will figure out something that both of us can live
with. (Win–win)
o I can’t stand fighting. Everyone loses. (Lose–lose)
o No matter what you say, I’m not giving any ground on this issue. I feel very
strongly and I expect you to go along with me this time. (Win–lose)
o There’s no point in arguing about money. All we ever do is hurt each other
without solving anything. (Lose–lose)
o I’m willing to go along with your preference on the model of car if you’ll go
along with my preference for color and added features. (Win–win)
o Look, there are only two possibilities in this situation, so both of us can’t get
what we want. (Win–lose)
o I wonder if there aren’t some solutions other than the two we have come up with
so far. I think if we keep talking, we might be able to come up with something
workable for both of us. (Win–win)
• Divorce Help Online: The Internet provides a wealth of resources made available to anyone with
Internet access. One such resource is a website that teaches people how to deal with reducing
conflict during a divorce. Visit Divorce Helpline (http://www.divorcehelp.com/), which is a site that
provides ways to stay out of court, reduce conflict, and negotiate agreements when marriages end.
Show the website to the class and highlight its many resources (such as worksheets, a short course,
directories, etc.). Lead a discussion about the advantages and disadvantages of making this
information available online. Advantages could include greater access to useful and free
information, educating oneself about the process of divorce and thus generating increased self-
knowledge about the process, and so on. Disadvantages could include the need to ensure the
information is reliable and not biased by the company providing the information, relying exclusively
on this site without seeking additional professional help, and so on.
Activities
Title
Individual
Partner/
Ethno
Group
Demonstration/
Whole Class
1. Conflict resolution
X–P
2. Rewriting conflict scripts
X–H
3. It is how you play the game
that counts
X
X
4. Interpersonal conflict in the
workplace
X
5. How did you resolve the conflict?
X
X = Marks type of activity H = Handout P = Preparation required for students/teacher
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Conflict Resolution
This exercise is used to illustrate different ways people resolve conflict. Bring in a bag of candy,
such as chocolate or jelly beans, and a stop watch. Ask students to form into teams with two
individuals. Each team of two people will be communicating with other teams in class. Each
team should meet with a new team for each round. They should do this randomly. They can walk
around the class so that each team will meet with a new team.
Ask students to take out a sheet of paper and number down from 1 to 9. In addition, they should
make four columns titled, “decision,” “win,” “loss,” and “total.” For each round, each student
should provide the information for each column.
Give each person in class two different colored strips of paper, such as white and pink. There
will be nine rounds. During each round, each person will pick to show either their pink or white
strip of paper. You will keep track of time and ask everyone in class to reveal their choices at a
specific time.
During rounds 3, 6, and 9, allow each team to talk to the other pairs. During round 3, the teams
can win or lose double what they put down. During round 6, the teams can win or lose triple
what they put down. During round 9, the teams can win or lose triple what they put down.
Instruct the students that each decision made can either be a win, loss, or both. The goal of this
exercise is being able to attain the most candy. Each person should talk to his or her partner
before making a decision. Each team should keep track of its wins and losses. In addition, each
team should keep track of its decisions.
Announce that there are four stipulations:
1.
Teams cannot communicate (verbally and nonverbally) with other teams, except for
rounds 3, 6, and 9.
2.
Each team must agree on one decision before the time limit.
3.
If another team knows your team’s decision before the time limit, your team will lose
during that round.
4.
If a team does not agree on a decision before the time limit, then your team will lose
during that round.
Each round will last for 1 minute, except for special rounds 3, 6, and 9. Rounds 3, 6, and 9 will
last for 2 minutes. Write on the board or on an overhead transparency the value of each strip of
colored paper:
Condition A:
Condition B:
3 pink strips = wins 1
piece of candy
1 white strip = looses 3 pieces of candy
4 pink strips = wins 1 piece of candy
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Condition C:
2 pink strips = wins 2 pieces of candy
2 white strips = loses 2 pieces of candy
Condition D:
2 white strips = loses 3 pieces of candy
1 pink strip = wins 1 piece of candy
Condition E:
3 white strips = wins 1 piece of candy
Ask students to tally up each of their columns. Distribute the candy as they apply to each team.
After the exercise, discuss the factors that may have affected each team’s decision. Discuss how
each team resolved conflict.
Rewriting Conflict Scripts
This exercise enlarges awareness of communication behaviors that promote destructive and
constructive conflict. Equally important, the exercise teaches students they can rewrite
unproductive scripts for managing conflict.
Ask two students to role-play romantic partners who are having an argument. Give each student
a copy of the dialogue in Conflict Role-Play and tell them to begin with this dialogue and then
improvise on their own to demonstrate destructive methods of managing conflict.After the role-
play, lead a discussion of the negative conflict behaviors present in the scene just performed.
Students should be able to identify specific behaviors, based on their reading of the textbook.
Next, ask students to think about how the argument they just witnessed could be handled more
productively. Tell them the role players are going to begin the dialogue again, and they are to
interrupt to rewrite the script so that the conflict is managed more effectively. In rewriting the
script, students suggest specific behaviors the text recommended for addressing conflict
constructively. When the script has been rewritten to create a productive conflict, close the
discussion by emphasizing that students can rewrite scripts for conflict in their own relationships.
It IS How You Play the Game That Counts
This activity gives students experience in and models of win–lose, lose–lose, and win–win
orientations to interpersonal conflict.
Organize students into three groups (you may use six smaller groups if you have sufficient time
for six role-plays to be presented to the class). Assign each group one of the orientations: win–
win, win–lose, and lose–lose. Ask students to develop a 2- to 5-minute role-play for
presentation to the class. The situation around which they should build the role-play is this:
Angie and Brad plan to marry in the spring when they graduate. Both have job offers, but
Angie’s offer is in Texas and Brad’s is in D.C. Hillary can get work in D.C., and Brad can in
Texas, but neither can find as good a position in the other’s ideal location. They are discussing
what to do about job offers and the marriage.
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After students present their role-plays, guide them in identifying specific attitudes and
communication behaviors evident in each orientation to conflict. For example, they point out the
extent to which dual-perspective, listening, and supportive communication behaviors are present
in each orientation. This exercise allows you to integrate material presented earlier in the course
( I language, perceptions, climate, listening, etc.) and, thus, highlight the progressive nature of
students’ study of communication.
Interpersonal Conflict in the Workplace
The activity gives students the experience of addressing an actual conflict situation and
comparing their approach to a noted author on management and conflict in the workplace.
To prepare for this activity, visit the following web page:
http://www.smartbiz.com/article/articleview/50/1/8/. A case on Smart Biz, “Managing Difficult
People” identifies three types of difficult employees: the aggressor, the victim, and the rescuer.
Two experts comment on the case.
In class, divide the students into groups of four to five individuals and then have the students
act as consultants on the case. First, ask the groups to decide if this scenario meets the
definition of interpersonal conflict as it is discussed in the book (i.e., expressed disagreement,
interdependence, and opposition). Next, ask them to create a way to address the problem
based on the guidelines for effective communication in conflict situations (focusing on the
overall communication system, time conflict effectively, aim for win–win conflict, etc.).
After groups have had 10 minutes to discuss the situation, have each group share with the class if
this is indeed a conflict situation and how they would address it. After the discussion, hand out
read experts’ answers to the class and compare those approaches to the approaches the students
generated.
How Did You Resolve the Conflict?
Ask students to write down a recent conflict situation. Have them write down how the conflict
was resolved and some possible ways that the conflict could have been resolved.
Have each student present his or her conflict situation to the class and ask him or her to figure
out how the conflict situation could have been resolved. Have them guess how the student
addressed the situation. Take a poll on which strategies were used. Discuss similarities and
differences.
Journal Items
• Analyze your responses to conflict in terms of the exit–voice–loyalty–neglect model
discussed in the text. How often do you use each response style in your friendship and
romantic relationships? Which style do you use least? What are the results of the way(s)
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you respond to conflict?
Responses will vary, but likely results of exit responses include not engaging in conflict and
not viewing it as a potentially constructive form of interaction; likely results of neglect
responses include that resolution of the issue is not promoted and discussion is avoided but it
can be effective if the conflict is not important to a person; likely results of loyalty responses
include maintaining the relationship and/or sacrificing one’s own needs; likely results of
voice responses include expressing care about the importance of the relationship and/or
addressing the tension explicitly.
• Describe a situation in which you had a conflict with a close friend or romantic partner
and you managed to work it out constructively. Analyze what happened by discussing how
your behavior and your partner’s followed or violated principles for effective conflict
discussed in the text.
Responses will vary, but principles of effective conflict include focusing on the overall
communication system, timing conflict effectively, aiming for win–win conflict,
honoring self, other, and relationship, as well as showing grace and letting go when
appropriate.
• Consider how conflict can be detrimental and/or beneficial to a relationship. Give
examples and how it applies to the basic principle of conflict.
Response will vary, but students should be able to discuss how conflict may be dysfunctional
and functional toward a relationship. Students should be able to integrate how conflict can
influence the future of a relationship.
• Consider how you deal with conflict in relationships with people at work. Is it similar to
how you handle conflict in nonwork relationships (or in nonwork contexts if you are
also a friend/intimate with someone you work with)? In addition to noting any
similarities or differences, consider explanations for each.
Responses will vary based on individual experiences, but students may write that they
respond to conflict better in a work environment than they do in a romantic relationship or
friendship, or vice versa. If people are friends/intimates as well as co-workers, they might be
better or worse at dealing with conflict on certain topics. Explanations could also vary, but
various responses to conflict (e.g., exit, voice, loyalty, neglect) can vary as a result of
attachment styles, gender differences, cultural differences, their orientation to conflict (e.g.,
win–win, win–lose), and so on.
Panel Ideas
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Plan a panel that features volunteers or professionals who work with victims of domestic
violence. Ask the panel to explain to students how and why conflict sometimes crosses the line
to physical violence. Also ask panelists to discuss reasons why many victims of domestic
violence don’t leave the batterer. Students often don’t understand that economic constraints, as
well as psychological factors, can make it impossible to “just walk out.”
Plan a panel that features customer service representatives or individuals on campus who deal
with student complaints. Ask the panel to explain to students how frequent conflict occurs, the
type of conflict that occurs, and how it is usually dealt with. Ask the panelists to describe their
feelings toward how they feel when they get into a situation with conflict.
Media Resources
Website
Name: How to Deal with Conflict
Developer: Free Management Library
Brief Description: An index of online resources related to interpersonal conflict in the workplace.
URL: https://managementhelp.org/interpersonal/conflict.htm
Name: Dealing with Worldviews in Interpersonal Conflict
Developer: Anne Giacalone DiDomenico
Brief Description: On the CADRE (The National Center on Dispute Resolution in Special Education,
funded by the
U.S. Department of Education) website, this article examines the ways in which individual and
collective worldviews influence conflict situations.
URL: http://www.directionservice.org/cadre/worldviews.cfm
Name: Smart Moves
Developer: Smartbiz.com
Brief Description: In the Smart Moves section of the website (top of left side navigation bar),
SmartBiz provides cases grouped into five categories: management, marketing and PR, sales,
finance, and human resources. The management and human resources sections are most likely to
include cases associated with some sort of conflict in the workplace.
URL: http://www.smartbiz.com/
Name: A Short Divorce Course
Developer: Ed Sherman, Attorney and Nolo Press
Brief Description: This portion of the Divorce Helpline website offers a short course on how to
make the process of divorce go more smoothly, reduce conflict, and keep parties out of court.
URL: https://divorcehelp.com/category/divorce-course/
Name: Violence, Aggression, and Passive-Aggression in the Workplace Remedies
Developer: Rudy Nydegger, Graduate Management Institute at Union College
Brief Description: In this research article, the author defines and discusses how to handle violent
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and aggressive behavior in the workplace.
URL:
http://www8.esc.edu/ESConline/Across_ESC/forumjournal.nsf/3cc42a422514347a8525671d0049f395/29b
0b2d84f5b2ca7852569e5000b6de7?OpenDocument
Name: Conflict Styles Assessment
Developer: United States Institute of Peace
Brief Description: This is a conflict management quiz for students to assess their conflict
management style.
URL
Name: Conflict Resolution Skills
Effective Approaches to Resolving Conflict in the Workplace
Developer: Office of Personnel Management
Brief Description: This page offers suggestions and advice concerning how to effectively handle
conflict in the workplace.
URL: https://leadership.opm.gov/programs.aspx?course=44
Name: Truth about Deception
Developer: TruthAboutDeception.com
Brief Description: A site offering advice, articles, and information on healthy and unhealthy
relationships focused on mate deception.
URL: http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/
Name: Helpguide.org
Developer: The Rotary Club of Santa Monica
Brief Description: A nonprofit website meant to help people understand, prevent, and resolve
how health challenges affect our lives and others around us.
URL: http://www.helpguide.org/
Film Ideas
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf provides a compelling portrait of conflict of many different
sorts. It depicts both covert and overt forms of conflicts, and it dramatically illustrates the
implications of destructive conflict methods. Warning: This can be a very unsettling film.
The Story of Us provides the numerous conflicts that may occur in a relationship. It illustrates
many types of conflict. It also demonstrates how two individuals are able to resolve their
differences.
Anger Management gives a humorous look at anger and how to manage anger. It demonstrates
different ways that people deal with conflict.
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Print Resources
Competence in Interpersonal Conflict by William R. Cupach and Daniel J. Canary. Ask
students to compare and contrast the guidelines for developing communication competence in
conflict situations discussed in the textbook with those discussed in this book.
Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline: The Seven Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into
Cooperation by Becky Anne Bailey. This book is written with parents in mind. It offers ways to
diminish conflicts in parent–child relationships.
Conflict Resolution by Daniel Dana and Roger Formisano. This book is written for
business managers in mind. The book offers effective ways for communicating with
employees and handling conflicts. The book deals with conflict management, prevention,
and resolution.
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Conflict Role-Play
A: You were really out of line tonight.
B: What do you mean “out of line”?
A: I mean you flirted with everyone there, that’s what.
B: (disinterested tone) Sounds to me like you have a problem, but I had a good time tonight.
A: Yeah, you did it at my expense. You made me feel like I wasn’t there, the way you kept
deserting me at the party.
B: Gimme a break! You’re supposed to mingle at a party. I wasn’t deserting you. You’re
just too sensitive.
A: I’m not too sensitive. It’s that you are totally insensitive! That’s the problem-you, not me.
B: Well, if I’m such a problem, then maybe we shouldn’t see each other anymore.
A: Is that a threat?
B: No. It’s a statement of fact. If you’re so jealous and insecure that you can’t let me have a
little fun, then maybe we don’t belong together.
A: Yeah, and what will this be the hundredth relationship you’ve walked out on? Has it ever
occurred to you that something’s wrong with someone who can’t keep a relationship
going for more than a few months?
B: Nothing’s wrong with me, except perhaps my lack of judgment in choosing people to
have relationships with.
A: Yeah, you pick people who have some standards.