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Chapter 7: Emotions and Communication
Key Concepts
chilling effect
cognitive labeling view of emotions
counterfeit emotional language
deep acting
emotional intelligence
emotions
emotion work
feeling rules
interactive view of emotions
organismic view of emotions
perceptual view of emotions
rational-emotive approach to feelings
self-talk
surface acting
Chapter Outline
I.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize feelings, to judge which feelings are
appropriate in which situations, and to communicate those feelings effectively.
A.
Emotions, or feelings, are part of our lives. We feel happiness, sadness, shame,
pride, embarrassment, envy, disappointment, and a host of other emotions. And
we communicate to express our emotions.
B.
Emotional Intelligence on the Job is a critical factor in career advancement.
II.
By understanding emotions, we can define emotions as processes that are shaped by
physiology, perceptions, language, and social experiences.
1.
A physiological approach to emotion, also known as the organismic view of
emotions, suggests that when an event occurs, we respond physiologically,
and only after that do we experience emotions.
2.
A perceptual approach to emotion suggests that subjective perceptions shape
what external phenomena mean to us. External objects and events, as well as
physiological reactions, have no intrinsic meaning. Instead, they gain meaning
only as we attribute significance to them.
3.
A social influence or interactive approach to emotion suggests that what we
feel and how we express those feelings is influenced by social influences.
a.
Framing rules define the emotional meaning of situations.
b.
Feeling rules tell us what we should feel or expect to feel in particular situations
based upon the values of cultures and social groups.
121
1.
Deep acting involves learning what they should and should not feel.
2.
Surface acting involves controlling the outward expression
of emotions rather than controlling feelings.
3.
Emotion work is the effort to generate what we think are
appropriate feelings in particular situations.
4.
The approach we adopt toward emotions affects our belief that we can (or
can’t) control our emotions and the feelings we experience and express in
our everyday lives.
III.
There are two related sets of obstacles to effective emotional communication.
A.
Just because we feel an emotion does not mean we express it to others.
1.
Social expectations for Westerners indicate that it is more acceptable for
women to express emotions and for men to refrain from expressing most
emotions.
2.
Self-protection or being afraid/fearful of what we express could affect how
others perceive us.
3.
In an effort to protect others, we may not choose to express emotions because
it may hurt or upset others.
4.
Certain social and professional roles dictate that we not express certain types
of emotions.
B.
Just because we express an emotion does not mean that we communicate it
effectively.
1.
Sometimes we speak in generalities, which do not effectively express our true
emotional states.
2.
Not owning our feeling.
3.
Counterfeit emotional language seems to express emotions but does not
actually describe what a person is feeling.
IV.
Social media provide interesting platforms in which emotions play out.
A.
The reasons we may not express emotions in face-to-face (f2f ) interaction may also operate
when we use social media.
B.
Social media may help us experience and express feelings.
C.
Social media can become substitutes for emotional involvement with people in our f2f
relationships
V.
There are six general guidelines for expressing our emotions more effectively.
A.
We need to identify what we feel before we try to express it to others.
B.
Choosing how to communicate our emotions involves assessing our current state
as well as selecting an appropriate time and place to discuss our emotions.
C.
Use I language to express our feelings so that it reminds us we own our own
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emotions and avoid making others feel defensive.
D.
Monitoring how we talk to ourselves about our emotions allows us to gain a better
understanding of what we are feeling and whether we want to express it to others.
E.
Adopting a rational-emotive approach to feelings focuses attention on destructive
thoughts about emotions that harm the self and relationships with others.
F.
We need to respond sensitively to others when they express their feelings, just as
we would like them to respond sensitively to us when we express our emotions.
1.
Helping someone solve a problem may be appreciated, but usually
it’s not the first support a person needs when he or she is
expressing strong emotions. What many people need first is just
the freedom to say what they are feeling and have those feelings
accepted by others.
2.
When others express emotions to you, it’s supportive to begin
by showing you are willing to discuss emotional topics and
accept where they are as a starting place.
3.
Paraphrasing is another way to show that you understand what
another feels. When you mirror back not just the content but the
feeling of what another says, it confirms the other and what he
or she feels.
Discussion Ideas
• Emotional Intelligence: Have students generate a list of emotions they have felt or expect to
feel in each of the following situations. After they generate their lists, lead a discussion about
what labels they attached to the different emotions for the different situations. Why did they
use those labels instead of others?
o Birth of a child
o First day of school
o Family vacations/trips
o First day of college
o College social
o Failing a course
o Finding out a close friend is dating the person you desire
o Commitment ceremony/wedding
o Divorce
o Family reunion
o High school reunion
o Break up of a committed romantic relationship
o Death/funeral
This discussion idea can be used as a transition into the cognitive labeling view of
emotions discussed in the text.
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• Framing and Feeling Rules: If you do not discuss item one, ask students to generate
framing and feeling rules for each of those situations. Framing rules are guidelines for
defining the emotional meaning of situations (such as funerals may be defined as sad
events, while weddings are joyful), and feeling rules tell us that we have a right to feel or
what we are expected to feel in a particular situation (e.g., it may be appropriate to feel
proud when getting a high grade on an exam).
• Communicating Emotions: If you have access to audiovisual equipment, choose a film or
television clip where the emotions are conveyed both verbally and nonverbally. Allow
students to listen to the verbal message and write down their perceptions of the emotions the
person is conveying and the situation. Now allow students to hear the verbal message and
see the nonverbal messages for the clip. Ask them what has changed about their perceptions
and why. (Note: This works even better if you can allow half of the class to see and hear the
message, while the other half of the class can only hear the message. This discussion can be
related back to Chapter 5’s point about how nonverbal behaviors may repeat, highlight,
complement, contradict, and/or be a substitute for verbal messages.)
• The Rational-Emotive Approach to Feelings: Lead a discussion about the extent to
which students believe this is an accurate or inaccurate view of feelings. The rational-
emotive approach to feelings emphasizes the use of rational thinking to challenge
debilitating emotions and beliefs that undermine healthy relationships and self-concepts.
• Flame Wars, Revisited: If you did not discuss flame wars in Chapter 5 for nonverbal
communication, discuss them here in terms of emotions. If so, you can revisit the topic here
by leading a discussion about what is considered appropriate and inappropriate expression of
emotions over email versus face-to-face interaction (e.g., do the guidelines discussed in the
text also apply to computer-mediated communication (CMC)?). Further, ask students if they
might email someone, rather than communicate with them in person, to express certain
emotions (e.g., anger) or discuss a particularly emotional issue (e.g., breaking up with a
relational partner).
Activities
Title
Individual
Partner/
Ethno
Group
Demonstration/
Whole Class
Internet/
InfoTrac
1. Becoming aware of social influences
on emotions
X
2. Applying the rational-emotive
approach to feelings
X
3. Emotions in song
X–P–H
4. Recognizing counterfeit emotional
language
X–H
X
5. Identifying feelings
X
6. Emotional issues
X–P
X = Marks type of activity H = Handout P = Preparation required for students/teacher
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Becoming Aware of Social Influences on Emotions
This exercise heightens students’ awareness of social influences on emotions, specifically feeling rules,
framing rules, and emotion work. Divide the class into groups of five to seven students. Assign each
group a situation in which emotional responses are likely. Examples of situations are the following:
• Graduation ceremony at your college/university.
• You see an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend out with another woman/man and you still want to be with the ex.
• On the same day, you and your best friend hear from the company you both want to work for. Your
friend is not offered a position, and you are.
• You are enrolled in a class in which the professor gives dull lectures. After receiving a C on your
first test, you go into talk with the professor. You think the grade is arbitrary and unfair.
• Your parents criticize you for not staying within your budget at school and threaten not to give you
extra money to tide you over. You want to convince them to help you out.
• You are having a lot of difficulty keeping up with your classes while also working 20 hours a week.
You know that several of your friends work as much and do well in school.
Tell each group that its task is to specify at least three framing rules, three feeling rules, and two examples
of emotion work for the situation assigned to that group.
Allow 20 minutes for group discussion. Then, ask the groups to present the framing rules, feeling rules,
and examples of emotion work they generated. Invite members of the groups and the class as a whole to
notice differences in the rules and emotion work associated with different social groups such as women
and men, and native U.S. citizens and people who were socialized in other cultures.
Applying the Rational-Emotive Approach to Feelings
This exercise provides students with an opportunity to use the rational-emotive approach to help them
manage feelings in their own lives.
Tell students that you want each of them to participate in the exercise, and assure them that nobody will
have to share his or her ideas with others. Sharing ideas should be entirely voluntary.
Ask students to take out a clean sheet of paper. You will be leading them through the rational-emotive
approach to feelings on a step-by-step basis.
First, ask students to write down one real-life situation to which they had or have a distressing emotional
response.
Second, ask students to write a few sentences that explain what they felt or feel in that situation.
Encourage them to record physiological responses. Do/did they feel a knot in the stomach or
lightheadedness? Are/were they shaking or tense? Do they have a racing heart or feel
nauseous?
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Third, ask students to identify other situations in which they experience similar physiological responses.
Then ask them to look for commonalities among situations in which they have these responses. Can
they identify similar issues of insecurity, power imbalances, or context?
Fourth, ask students to write out what they hear or heard in their heads in this situation. Tell them to
tune into their self-talk and to write out the messages they send themselves.
Finally, ask students to identify and dispute any irrational fallacies in their self-talk. Ask them if they
can identify any of the following fallacies in their self-talk: perfectionism, obsession with shoulds,
overgeneralization, taking responsibility for others, and helplessness.
After students have completed their writing, ask for volunteers who are willing to share what they wrote
with others. Remind students that there is no obligation to share ideas. It’s wise to have an example
from your own life to launch the discussion. This shows students that you can feel pressured by
irrational beliefs.
Lead a discussion of volunteered experiences. In the discussion place special emphasis on ways to
dispute irrational fallacies. Brainstorm with students how particular fallacies might be challenged.
Emotions in Song
The purpose of this activity is to analyze how emotions and emotional expression are portrayed in
popular culture, especially songs.
To prepare for this activity, visit Lyrics.com (http://www.lyrics.com) or A-Z Lyrics Universe
(http://www.azlyrics.com) and select certain song lyrics that portray emotions and their expression (such
as the following).
• Aerosmith—Jaded (http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Lobby/7678/lrc/61.txt)
• Boyz II Men—It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday
(http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Venue/4786/goodbye.htm)
• Norah Jones—Cold, Cold Heart (http://www.norahjones.info/news.php?cod=13)
• Madonna—What It Feels Like for a Girl
(http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/madonna/whatitfeelslikeforagirl.html)
• Shania Twain—Man! I Feel Like a Woman! (http://www.geocities.com/Nashville/8691/lyrics/coo-
1.html)
• Usher—Without U (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/usher/withoutu.html)
• No Doubt—In My Head (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/nodoubt/inmyhead.html)
• Akon—I’m so lonely (http://www.metrolyrics.com/lyrics/219651/Akon/Lonely)
• Mariah Carey—We Belong Together (http://www.dapslyrics.com/display.php?sid=12636)
In class, put students into groups of four to five members. Make a list of the key concepts from the class
on emotions, such as feeling and framing rules, obstacles to effective communication of emotion,
influences on emotions, and so on. Then, ask the students to identify which concepts of emotion each
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song illustrates. Explain that if a song does not match up with a particular concept from the book, then
have the students generate their own categories that encapsulate the key point(s) of the song.
After 10–15 minutes of students working in groups, have each group share its findings with the class.
This activity can lead into a discussion about how emotions are expressed in song lyrics, cultural
assumptions regarding emotions, and rules for appropriate and inappropriate expression of emotions.
Recognizing Counterfeit Emotional Language
This exercise fosters skill in recognizing counterfeit emotions.
Organize students into groups of five to seven persons. Give each group a copy of the conversation between
a mother and her son. Reinforce the instructions on the handout by instructing the groups to discuss the
dialogue and to identify any counterfeit emotions that occur in the dialogue. Also instruct groups to
write out comments that would not be counterfeit as alternatives to the counterfeit statements.
Allow the groups about 15 minutes to discuss the dialogue. Then, lead the whole class to a discussion of
counterfeit emotional language.
Identifying Feelings
This activity is used to illustrate some basic concepts when identifying emotions.
Instruct students to write out their answers on a sheet of paper.
Instruct students to list out all the emotions that they feel in a given day.
Ask them what emotions they feel the most and which ones they express the most.
Ask them if there is a difference? If so, write why this may be.
Ask them with whom do people communicate their feelings and what types of feelings?
Allow students to fully write out their answers, and then lead the whole class in a discussion of feelings
and the expression of feelings. Most students will report that they feel certain emotions but may not
express them to certain people. Discuss how identifying emotions and being able to express them can
influence satisfaction in relationships.
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Emotional Issues
Before class or during class, have the students view a video about a controversial topic, such as “gay
marriage” or “abortion” on YouTube. Try and find a video that presents both sides of the issue in a fair
and just manner. For instance, Dr. Phil has a good video on gay marriage. Then, discuss in class why
this is such an emotional issue. Did they feel that the issue could not be resolved because people’s
emotions affect what is said? How can emotional issues be dealt with appropriately?
Journal Items
• Describe one situation in which an irrational fallacy did or does debilitate you. Identify two
ways you might challenge that fallacy.
Responses will vary, but irrational beliefs or fallacies include perfectionism, obsession with shoulds,
overgeneralization, taking responsibility for others, helplessness, and fear of catastrophic failure.
Ways to change these fallacies include monitoring emotional reactions to events, identifying the
events to which one has unpleasant responses, and tuning into self-talk.
• Discuss how social roles and expectations influence how we express emotions. Explain if you
believe that their roles and expectations are changing.
Responses will vary, but men and women vary in the ways society has influenced them to express
emotions. Boys are taught not to cry and women are taught not to be too aggressive, because it is
seen as an undesirable trait. Furthermore, some rules and expectations are changing. Women in
business have been taught not to show emotion. There are more media representations of how
emotions are expressed differently between men and women.
• Describe the framing and feeling rules that operated in your family. Explain when you were
allowed to feel certain emotions and which emotions were expected in specific situations.
Responses will vary, but framing rules are guidelines for defining the emotional meaning of
situations (such as funerals may be defined as sad events while weddings are joyful), and feeling
rules tell us that we have a right to feel or what we are expected to feel in a particular situation (e.g.,
it may be appropriate to feel proud when getting a high grade on an exam).
• Emoticons are graphical ways of representing emotions and other nonverbal features in CMC.
Identify the emoticons you commonly use in your CMC. Reflect on why you limit your use of
emoticons to those you identify.
Responses will vary, but commonly used emoticons include smiley faces :-), frown faces :-(, winkey
faces ;-), and so on. There is a long list of emoticons to convey a range of emotions, but people may
not use them because they are not aware of them, or others they communicate with may not be aware
of them. Further, certain email programs, for example, vary in allowing users to select emoticons
from a pull-down list when composing email messages.
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• How do you deal with your emotions? How does this relate to Figure 7.5 on Effective
Communication of Emotions on p. 215?
Responses will vary, but students should be able to discuss how their emotional expression
relates to the figure displayed on p. 215.
Panel Idea
Plan a panel with members from different cultures. Ask panel members to plan to speak about how their
cultures define emotional situations (framing rules) and what displays of emotion are allowed, expected,
and disapproved in specific situations. Situations might be marriages, funerals, death of a parent, falling
in love, grief, and so on.
Media Resources
Websites
Name: A Brief ‘Net Primer
Developer: Magic Pub Internet Service
Brief Description: Internet acronyms defined.
URL:http://www.magicpub.com/netprimer/acrony
ms.html
Name: Smileys and Emoticons
Developer: NetLingo
Brief Description: Smileys and emoticons displayed and defined from A Rose to Yuppie.
URL: http://www.netlingo.com/smiley.cfm
Name: The Nonverbal Expression of Emotions in Communication
Developer: Uniting Future Youth Magazine
Brief Description: This site discusses emotion and nonverbal communication.
URL: http://www.unitingfuture.com/the-non-verbal-expression-of-emotions-in-communication/
Name: Lyrics.com
Developer: Lyrics.com
Brief Description: This website contains lyrics to popular songs organized by artist.
URL: http://www.lyrics.com
Name: A-Z Lyrics Universe
Developer: AZLyrics.com
Brief Description: Browse by artist, or search using artist’s name, album title, or song title.
URL: http://www.azlyrics.com/
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Name: Anger Central
Developer: WEBSter Computing Services
Brief Description: An interesting website devoted to angry people. It gives people a place to rant
and rave and encourages them to stay angry!
URL: http://www.angry.net/
Name: Depression.org
Developer: Depression.org
Brief Description: A site dedicated to the understanding, treating, and accepting
depression-oriented feelings.
URL: https://www.depression.org/
Film Ideas
Chasing Amy tells the story of an unconventional attraction between a woman who has been lesbian
and a heterosexual man. The film provides many examples of socially crafted rules and expectations for
what people should feel and how they should express feelings.
It’s a Beautiful Life tells the story of a father and his son in a concentration camp. The father goes
to elaborate lengths to keep his son from understanding the truth of their situation. He tells the boy
that they are competing with others to win an armored tank. The father is very clever at hiding
emotions.
Dumbo is a Disney film about the bond between a baby elephant and his mother. Dumbo is born with
large ears and others make fun of him. His mother displays many emotions, especially anger when
others hurt Dumbo. Dumbo is initially sad about his big ears but is later proud that he is different. The
film is a great example of how emotions can affect the way people act and feel.
Print Resources
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel P. Goleman. This book was referenced in Chapter 7 of the textbook
and is another candidate for the popular press book analysis paper. What are the pros and cons of
measuring emotional intelligence? Does this fall prey to cultural biases in the same way intelligence
testing has been criticized?
Emotions Revealed: Recognizing Faces and Feelings to Improve Communication and Emotional
Life by Paul Ekman, one of the pioneers in research on communicating emotions. Ekman argues that
there are some facial expressions and emotions that transcend culture—that is, they are universal. In
addition, the author suggests ways to “read” others faces for their emotions. What factors influence our
interpretations of others emotions? How accurately can we “read” others’ nonverbal messages and
detect individuals’ emotions?
The Language of Emotions: What your feelings are trying to tell you by Karla McLaren. Most of us
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relate to our emotions by either running from the difficult ones or clinging to the pleasant ones. Karla
McLaren suggests a radical new perspective: that all of our emotions are equally important messengers,
ready to assist us in acting with full awareness and integrity. What are your emotions telling you? How
can you express them most appropriately and effectively?
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Handout: Identifying Counterfeit Emotional Language
Read the following dialogue between a mother and son.
Identify any counterfeit emotional statements in the dialogue and propose alternatives to the counterfeit
communication.
Son: Mom, I really want to join the Delta Sigma house this spring.
Mother: I feel that’s not a good idea.
Son: Well, it really matters to me. These are neat guys and it would be a lot more fun living in
the house than in the dorm.
Mother: Fun isn’t the only thing to consider. I feel you should focus on your studies at college.
Son: I am focusing on my studies. I got good grades in my first semester and... .
Mother: Yes, and you were living in the dorm where you can study.
Son: I can study at the house too.
Mother: I’ve heard about fraternities, and I don’t feel it’s a good idea for you.
Son: I feel you’re being really unfair. You don’t know these guys and I do. They’re really
great guys. I know you’d like them if you met them.
Mother: You don’t need to be in a fraternity. That’s all there is to it. Now let’s drop the
subject!!!
Son: But we aren’t through discussing it. I feel you’re not listening to my side. This really
matters to me and I feel it would be good for my college experience.
Mother: I listened and I’m still not going to approve. That’s just how I feel.
