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Chapter 11: Committed Romantic Relationships
Key Concepts
agape
commitment
committed romantic relationships
environmental spoiling
eros
hooking
up
intimacy
ludus
mania
passion
placemaking
pragma
relational culture
storge
Chapter Outline
I.
Committed romantic relationships are between individuals who assume that they will be
primary and continuing parts of each other’s lives.
A.
Committed romantic relationships are created and sustained by unique people
who cannot be replaced.
B.
Generally, romantic love involves passion (intensely positive feelings and desires
for another person), commitment (an intention to remain in the relationship), and
intimacy (feelings of connection, closeness, and tenderness).
C.
Romantic relationships develop based upon the love styles the partners exhibit.
1.
There are three primary love styles.
a.
Eros is an intense love that usually includes early self-
disclosure, sentimental expressions, and a quick falling in love
period.
b.
Storge love grows out of friendship and is usually characterized by
stability.
c.
Those who exhibit a ludus style view love as a game that usually
includes adventure, puzzles, and commitment avoidance.
2.
There are three secondary love styles.
a.
Pragma combines storge and ludus love styles; people who exhibit
this love style usually have clear criteria for partners who must be
met before they fall in love.
b.
Mania combines eros and ludus love styles; people who exhibit
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this love style usually devise games and tests for their potential
partners and experience emotional extremes.
c.
Agape combines eros and storge love styles; people who exhibit
this love style usually put another’s happiness ahead of their own
without any expectation of reciprocity.
II.
Like friendships, the development of romantic relationships in Western societies tend to
follow a relatively predictable path.
A.
Growth stages begin a romantic relationship.
1.
We are individuals before we ever meet our potential romantic partner.
Basically, individuality is an individual with particular needs, goals, love
styles, perceptual tendencies, and qualities that affect what we look for in
relationships.
2.
Invitational communication is where we indicate to the other person that
we are interested in interacting. Proximity and similarity are major
influences on initial attraction in face-to-face relationships. The term
environmental spoiling denotes situations in which proximity breeds ill
will.
3.
Explorational communication involves considering the possibilities for a
long-term relationship.
4.
Intensifying communication occurs when we express more personal
thoughts and feelings as well as begin to create our own relational culture.
5.
Revising communication indicates the possible problems and
dissatisfactions that exist within the relationship as well as evaluates the
likelihood of the relationship continuing.
6.
Commitment involves the decision to stay with the relationship over the
long haul and arrange other aspects of their lives around this relationship.
B.
Navigation maintains a relationship by adjusting, working through new problems,
revisiting old problems, and accommodating changes in both individual and
relational lives.
1.
Relational culture is the private world of rules, understandings, meanings,
and patterns of acting and interpreting that partners create and agree upon
for their relationship.
2.
In placemaking, we create an environment that indicates our relationship
as well as what we value, experience, and like.
C.
Deterioration stages signal a possible end to a romantic relationship.
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1.
Dyadic breakdown occurs when romantic partners gradually stop engaging
in their established patterns, understandings, and routines that make up
their relational culture.
2.
In the intrapsychic phase, we focus on perceived declines in
closeness/intimate communication or lapses in joint activities/acts of
consideration.
3.
If partners do not talk about or choose to deny their problems, they
experience the dyadic phase.
4.
Telling outsiders that the relationship is ending is part of the social phase.
5.
Social support occurs when we look to others to help us get through the
relationship’s breakdown.
6.
Grave dressing is burying the relationship and accepting that it has come
to a close.
7.
Resurrection process is when the two people move on with their lives
without the other as an intimate.
III.
In many ways, social media have made it far easier to form and maintain romantic relationships, but
it also has presented unique challenges.
A.
Deception is perhaps more easily accomplished online than face-to-face.
B.
Social media presents the opportunity for cyberstalking by former romantic partners.
C.
Recent research indicates that the more people communicate online with romantic partners,
the less skilled they are in managing conflict and asserting themselves.
IV.
There are four guidelines for communicating in romantic relationships.
A.
Dual perspective, which is an understanding of both our own and another person’s
perspective, thoughts, feelings, and needs, is very important in romantic
relationships.
B.
With the rise of HIV/AIDS comes the responsibility of talking about and
practicing safer sex, two things we are not always comfortable talking about or
doing.
C.
Partners should pay special attention to managing conflicts constructively.
Violence and abuse among romantic partners are more common than we think.
D.
As people have become more mobile, the number of long-distance relationships
has also increased.
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Discussion Ideas
• Defining Committed Romantic Relationships: Have students generate a list of movies
and/or television shows from the early years (prior to 1980s), the 1980s, 1990s, and 2000s,
depicting different types of committed romantic relationships. If they are having difficulty
coming up with the early years, ask them to think about shows on Nick at Nite. Lead a
discussion on how the media presentations have changed to reflect the changing nature of
romantic relationships in society. You can also expand this discussion to talk about the
different love styles (i.e., agape, eros, mania, ludus, pragma, and storge) the characters in
these shows and movies exhibit.
• Relationship Stages: In groups, ask students to develop a guidebook of what verbal,
nonverbal, listening, and relational climate behaviors are most common at each stage in the
relational evolution process (these stages include going from individuals to invitational
communication, explorational communication, intensifying communication, revising
communication, intimate bonding, navigation, as well as dyadic breakdown, intrapsychic
phase, dyadic phase, social support, and grave dressing). If all groups do all stages, compare
and contrast the behaviors each group generates. This also works well as a comprehensive
essay question for a final exam.
• HIV/AIDS: Generally speaking, we know that college students are the most educated when
it comes to HIV/AIDS and also the most likely to engage in behaviors that put them at risk to
become HIV positive (e.g., engaging in unprotected sex with multiple partners). Ask
students to make a list of what they know about HIV/AIDS and then lead a discussion about
why they believe it is so difficult to talk about this issue (oftentimes people are more
embarrassed to talk about sex than engaging in sex). You can also ask groups to come up
with some scripts for addressing this issue (which could include the use of I language,
fostering a positive interpersonal climate, framing the discussion in terms of how the benefit
to all parties involved).
• Identifying Styles of Loving: The following statements might be made by a person about
romance or a romantic partner. Identify the style of love reflected in each of the statements.
(Answers are included in parentheses.)
o I want to tell my partner everything about me as soon as I fall in love. (Eros)
o My partner is my best friend. (Storge)
o I could only fall in love with someone of my race and class. (Pragma)
o I am looking for a partner who will be a good parent. (Pragma)
o Love’s a game; I never take it too seriously. (Ludus)
o I wish I could be sure Pat loves me. I worry all the time. (Mania)
o I put Kim’s welfare and desires ahead of my own, and that’s the way I want it to be. (Agape)
o I fall in love hard and fast. (Eros)
o I am not looking for a committed relationship, just some fun. (Ludus)
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o All I can think about is this relationship. Nothing and nobody else matters to me. (Mania)
o I am happiest when my partner is happy. (Agape)
o What I like best about my relationship is that it is so steady and peaceful—none of
those dramatic ups and downs that some couples have. (Storge)
o I need to make sure my partner loves me, so I come up with tests a lot of the time.
(Ludus and/or Mania)
o I intend to marry someone who is professionally ambitious. (Pragma)
o Our love just grew very gradually. We started off as friends, and eventually
romantic interest developed an extra layer on the basic foundation of friendship.
(Storge)
Deterioration Stages: Breakups are extremely hard. What are some reasons why people
determine whether or not to end a relationship? Ask students to determine what types of
phases they go through when they want to break up with someone? Ask for some examples
of how people have terminated a relationship? Then, discuss if those examples were effective
or not? Ask students how they overcame or got over their breakup (for instance, talk about
social support and grave dressing phases).
Relationship Resumes: When applying for jobs, job seekers create resumes that list their past
accomplishments and credentials for why they would make a good candidate for a particular
position. What if we had to do the same for our romantic relationships? Ask students to
explore the implications of such an approach (e.g., people would include previous romantic
partners as references, people might organize their relationships in chronological order,
people would include a list of relational skills they cultivated in each relationship, people
might have “internships” in romantic relationships where they tried out a relationship to get
more experience before applying for a “full-time” relationship). Further, have students
discuss advantages (e.g., people might take their relationships more seriously because they
would have to get a recommendation from previous relational partners, people could get a
good sense of the prospective partner’s history in relationships) and disadvantages (e.g., it
might lead to the overrationalization of relationships, people might get into a relationship
just to build up a portfolio of experiences and skills that could be applied to get “promoted”
to a more desirable partner, information from one relationship may be considered
confidential and including it on a resume might violate issues of privacy and
confidentiality).
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Activities
Title
Individual
Partner/
Ethno
Group
Demonstration/
Whole Class
Internet/
InfoTrac
1. Personal qualifications
X–P
X–P
2. Getting to know you
X
3. Phases of love
X
4. You’ve got style
X
X
5. The music of love
X
X–P
6. “How we met” relationships stories
X
X–P–H
X = Marks type of activity H = Handout P = Preparation required for students/teacher
Personal Qualifications
This exercise increases students’ awareness of the bases of romantic attraction and gender
differences in preferences for romantic partners. Either tell students to bring to class a paper with
a large section of personal ads or provide students with papers (you need not use the same
newspaper or date of publication).
Organize students into groups of five to seven persons. Instruct the groups to take 20 minutes to
analyze personal ads for romantic partners by focusing on similarities and differences between
the ads written by women and men, by members of different ethnic groups, and by heterosexuals
and gays and lesbians. Students should identify differences in how the authors of ads define
themselves as well as differences in what men and women, people of different races, straights
and gays are looking for in romantic partners.
After 20 minutes have elapsed, lead a discussion of similarities and differences in how
individuals define themselves to prospective partners and in what individuals seek in romantic
partners. First, focus on similarities. For example, most personal ads emphasize bases of
attraction that are more important early in a relationship than later.
Then collaborate with students to identify differences in personal ads. For example, my classes
routinely find that men are more likely than women to emphasize physical attractiveness and
physical qualities in prospective partners. Typically, men define themselves more in terms of
career success and financial standing than women, which suggests men believe money and
success are important criteria in women’s and gay men’s evaluations of them (research concurs).
On the other hand, women are more likely than men to emphasize psychological qualities and
personal characteristics in people they’d like to meet and to define themselves more in terms of
physical qualities than do male authors. Patterns of differences among races and between
straights and gays may be less distinct.
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Conclude the discussion by talking with students about what personal ads communicate about
how we see ourselves and what we notice and value in romantic partners. You might also invite
students to discuss the implications of the criteria men and women, in general, use in searching
for and evaluating romantic partners.
Variation: This activity can also be done with online personal ads. With your favorite search
engine (e.g., http://www.google.com), type in “online personal ads” and visit these websites.
Getting to Know You
This exercise heightens students’ awareness of the kinds of communication typical of different
stages in the evolution of romantic intimacy. It parallels the exercise in Chapter 10 on stages in
friendship.
Assign students to groups so that there is one group for each stage in the model of romantic
relationships discussed in the textbook. Tell the groups that they will have 15 minutes to
construct a 2-minute dialogue to illustrate the stage of romance that their group is assigned.
Encourage students to refer to their textbook to identify particular communication behaviors
that tend to occur at each stage in romantic intimacy.
After all groups have presented their dialogues, summarize the activity by highlighting the role
of communication in developing romantic relationships. Point out to students how
communication becomes more personal (more toward an I–Thou relationship), disclosive, and
informal as romance grows and how distance, awkwardness, and less-personal disclosures occur
when romance ebbs.
Phases of Love
This exercise illustrates the different phases of a romantic relationship and the ways individuals
communicate in each of these phases.
Ask for two individuals to play a couple. Ask the students to stand in front of the class and act
out different stages of a relationship. Be sure to have the students act the different stages:
invitational communication, explorational communication, intensifying communication, revising
communication, commitment, navigation, and deterioration stages.
Then, ask the other students in the class if each of these phases were acted out accurately. Ask
how they might have acted each phase similarly or differently. In addition, discuss ways in
which males and females view each stage.
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You’ve Got Style
This exercise enhances students’ understanding of the six styles of love and the ways they may
interact in particular relationships.
Organize students into dyads. Allow 15 minutes for the dyads to develop a 1–2 minute
demonstration of the fit or misfit between different love styles. To ensure variety in the love
styles students depict, you may wish to assign styles to dyads. There are 21 possible matches
without repeating any match.
After students have presented their demonstrations, lead a discussion of the importance of
considering love styles in terms of how they fit other love styles, not in terms of their absolute
character.
The Music of Love
This activity allows students to realize how popular culture reflects stages in the evolution of
romance.
On the chalkboard, write the name of each stage in romance discussed in Chapter 11 of the
textbook. Leave space beside or beneath each stage. Ask students to think of songs about
romance that are currently popular and to identify which stage or stages each song depicts.
As students volunteer songs, write them by the appropriate stage. Ask students to recite, or sing
if they wish, lyrics from the songs and to explain how those lyrics describe or embody a
particular stage of romance. In discussing songs, students should be encouraged to identify
connections between issues, feelings, and activities mentioned in songs and research on issues,
feelings, and activities the text summarizes for each stage in romance.
Variation: Visit http://www.lyrics.com or http://www.azlyrics.com/ and select certain song lyrics
that portray stages of romantic relationships.
“How We Met” Relationship Stories
The purpose of this activity is to analyze relationship stories of how two people met and began
their romantic relationship.
Before class, go to http://www.howwemetstory.com/ and print out at least 5–10 short stories
(one story per page; most of the stories are one to two paragraphs) of how people met. In class,
divide the class into groups and give each group at least three stories. Have each group look for
similarities and differences among the relationship stories. Lead a discussion about cultural
scripts for how and where people meet, as well as the early stages of relationship development.
Further, ask students under what circumstances they tell others about how they first met their
current romantic partner, and ask them to reflect on how
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they would tell the story the same way or differently if posting their story on the dateable.com
website.
Variation: Visit your favorite search engine and search for “how we met” stories to identify
stories on other websites, such as http://lovestories.adoringyou.com/8/ and
http://quizstop.com/askhowee.htm.
Journal Items
• Describe a current or past romantic relationship in terms of the stages of romance
discussed in your textbook. Analyze the extent to which your relationship followed or
deviated from the typical pattern identified in the text. If it did not follow the “standard”
pattern, explain why you think it did not.
Responses will vary, but typical patterns of romantic relationship development include going
from individuals to invitational communication, explorational communication, intensifying
communication, revising communication, intimate bonding, navigation, as well as dyadic
breakdown, intrapsychic phase, dyadic phase, social support, and grave dressing.
• If you are in a long-distance relationship, explain how communication in it
differs from a romantic relationship in which you and your partner are
geographically together.
Responses will vary, but characteristics of communication in long-distance relationships
might include unequal effort in sustaining the connection, unrealistic expectations for time
together, lack of sharing small events, an ability to concentrate more fully on other priorities,
greater intensity of feelings when being physically co-present, and so on.
• Consider the four guidelines for communicating in romantic relationships. Discuss how
you have used each of these guidelines in your romantic relationships.
Responses will vary, but students should be able to integrate ways they use dual perspective,
dealing with safer sex, handling conflicts effectively, and maintaining long-distance
relationships.
• Consider the advantages and disadvantages of meeting someone online for a potential
romantic relationship. If you have never met someone online, consider why you have
not.
Advantages of meeting someone online is that physical appearance, race, different abilities,
and so on may be a less salient issue at the beginning of the relationship and that it might be
less awkward for people who are apprehensive about meeting someone for the first time or
do not like a particular type of “pick-up scene” (e.g., bars or nightclubs).
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Disadvantages could include that the person may not be in the same geographical area (if this
is a concern), may not be truthful about certain aspects of their identity, could be stalking
someone, and so on. People may not try to meet people online because they are already in a
committed relationship in which they met the person face-to-face, there may be a stigma
associated with meeting someone online, they may not be comfortable with email or chat
rooms, and so on.
Panel Ideas
Invite three dual-career couples to talk about their relationships and especially the ways they
communicate. Ideally, couples should represent some diversity in structure (marriage versus
cohabitation), sexual orientation, and race. Invite each couple to make opening statements
about the ways in which being a dual-career couple affects their interaction. With this panel it
is especially important to leave lots of time for students’ questions, since they have high
personal interest in dual-career couples.
Invite members of several non-Western cultures to discuss romantic relationships in their
cultures. Each person should be given time to make an opening statement about romance in
his or her society. Then encourage panelists to discuss the relationship between families and
married couples, the gender roles prescribed for wives and husbands, and social attitudes
toward divorce. Ideally, at least one panelist should represent a culture in which arranged
marriages are still sometimes practiced.
Invite four or more gay men, lesbians, or trans to talk with the class about their romantic relationships.
Caution both panelists and class members that the discussion is not about sexual activity but
about overall relationships. Remind students that sexual activities do not define gay and
lesbian relationships any more than they define heterosexual relationships. The panelists will
also make this point by discussing the many dimensions of their romantic relationships. This
panel can be very effective in dispelling misperceptions about trans, gay, and lesbian
couples.
Invite four couples, who have been married to each other for a very long time, from a nearby
retirement home to talk to the class about their marriage. Discuss ways in which they met,
maintained, and decided not to terminate their relationship. Discuss ways that they kept their
marriage together.
Set up a panel that features individuals who are in committed long-distance romantic
relationships. In advance, ask the panelists to come prepared to discuss the challenges of
long-distance loving and the ways in which they use communication to meet those
challenges.
175
Media Resources
Websites
Name: Honesty Can Make or Break a Relationship
Developer: Barton Goldsmith/Psychology Today
Brief Description: This web page discusses the importance of being honest in romantic
relationships.
URL: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201411/honesty-can-make-or-break-
relationship
Name: 7 Keys to Long-Term Relationship Success
Developer: Preston Ni/Psychology Today
Brief Description: This web page provides tips on how to make committed
relationships work (communication is at the heart of the recommendations).
URL: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201210/7-keys-long-term-
relationship-success
Name: The Effects of Parental Divorce on Adult Relationships
Developer: Warren Bowles III
Brief Description: A scientific study of how divorce impacts children in their relationships as
adults.
URL: https://www.mckendree.edu/academics/scholars/issue6/bowles.htm
Name: Jewish Dating Revolutionized
Developer: Aish HaTorah
Brief Description: This site provides a series of articles, advice, and journal reflections about
dating from a Jewish perspective.
URL: http://aish.com/dating/
Name: Lesbian.com
Developer: Lesbian.com
Brief Description: A directory for the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered community, the
site also includes links to sites based on “how we identify,” such as deaf lesbians, dykes with
disabilities, and lesbians of color.
URL: http://www.lesbian.com
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Name: Gay.com
Developer: Gay.com
Brief Description: Available in several languages, this website includes information on
relationships, health, careers, travel, and entertainment for the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and
transgendered community.
URL: http://www.gay.com
Name: What Every Person in a Long-Distance Relationship Should Know
Developer: Britany Wong/Huffington Post
Brief Description: This site provides tips for negotiating long-distance relationships.
URL: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-to-survive-a-long-distance-
relationship_us_58c96c4ae4b0934e249cbed4
Name: Same-Sex Marriage: A Selective Bibliography
Developer: University of California
Brief Description: An extensive bibliography addressing all views on the issues, including
international debates and laws.
URL: http://library.ucmerced.edu/database/same-sex-marriage-selective-bibliography-legal-literature
Name: 11 Facts about Domestic/Dating Violence
Developer: DoSomething.org
Brief Description: This web page provides facts about domestic violence.
URL: https://www.dosomething.org/us/facts/11-facts-about-domestic-and-dating-
violence
Name: Lovestories.com
Developer: Lovestories.com
Brief Description: This commercial website includes poems, journals, and stories devoted to
love.
URL: http://www.lovestories.com
Name: 50 Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship
Developer: Alice Boyers/Psychology Today
Brief Description: This article highlights characteristics of healthy relationships.
URL: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201301/50-characteristics-healthy-
relationships
Name: 5 Ways Interpersonal Communication Skills Will Change Your Life
Developer: MindValley
Brief Description: This article talks about how to develop skills and use them effectively.
URL: https://blog.mindvalley.com/interpersonal-communication/
177
Film Ideas
The Four Seasons depicts several romantic relationships over the course of time. It provides
insight into different ways in which couples coordinate their lives and the kinds of
communication that prevail in romantic relationships at different junctures in their evolution.
Sleepless in Seattle is another film that depicts the development of romance, in this case a
single romantic relationship. This film can be used to teach about human needs that are met
through relationships, bases of attraction, and the fears and challenges of working out a
relationship that can endure.
There are a variety of short educational films on HIV/AIDS and safer sex. If you and your class
think it would be appropriate and valuable to view one of these, contact your campus health
center or counseling office to see what films are available on your campus. Further, the film
Longtime Companion addresses the issue of HIV/AIDS, friendship, and intimacy.
The American President. This film is a love story about the U.S. President (played by Michael
Douglas) and a political action (PAC) group consultant (Annette Benning). Play the Christmas
party scene where the President and his Chief of Staff ask the PAC consultant about her day. In
the process they learn of information that can be potentially politically advantageous. Ask
students to analyze how they negotiate the shifting identities between boyfriend/girlfriend and
President/PAC consultant and how they negotiate ethics in terms of whether or not the President
and Chief of Staff should use this information.
The Notebook. This film depicts a wonderful love story of two unlikely characters. Play
the scenes of how they met, how they fought, and eventually became a couple. The film
also illustrates the hardships that the couple had to face in order to develop their
relationship.
He’s Not that into You. This film has several interconnecting stories that deal with the
challenges of communication and misunderstandings in relationships.
The Ugly Truth. This film illustrates what men and women want in a relationship. It is a great
example of battle of the sexes.
Print Resources
The following books are excellent candidates for students to critique based on the topics and
concepts discussed in the textbook and class.
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving
Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships by John Gray. Ask
students to discuss the differences in approach to the issue of gender/sex differences as discussed
in this book and the claims of a speech communities approach.
178
The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right by Ellen Fein and
Sherrie Schneider. This book is a great way to illustrate the regulative and constitutive aspects of
relationship rules, as well as to analyze the gendered assumptions implicit within its suggestions.
The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship
by Miguel Ruiz. The author discusses fear-based beliefs and ideas that individuals have when
entering a romantic relationship. He provides several examples of ways to have a loving
relationship.
Love Talk: Speak Each Other's Language Like You Never Have Before by Les Parrott and
Leslie Parrott. The book is written by two relationship experts who also happen to be married to
each other. The authors provide ways to talk to your partner in order to have a stronger and more
satisfying relationship.
He’s Just Not that into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. The authors provide insight for
women about men. The authors provide relationship advice for women.
