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Chapter 10: Friendships in Our Lives
Key Concepts
cyberbullying
friends of the heart
friends of the road
internal tensions
relationship rules
Chapter Outline
I.
Friendships are an important relationship in our lives; they are unique because there are
no rules, laws, or institutional structures that create and maintain them.
A.
We expect to invest time, energy, thoughts, and feelings into our friendships.
B.
We expect to develop an emotional closeness.
1.
Some people, particularly feminine women and androgynous men, express
intimacy through dialogue.
2.
Some people, particularly masculine men, express intimacy through
shared activities.
C.
We expect that our friends accept us, both the positive and negative aspects of
our selves; we do not feel we need to hide thoughts or feelings from our
friends.
D.
We expect to develop a level of trust, both confidence in the fact that friends will
do what they say they will do and in the belief that a friend cares about us and our
welfare.
E.
We expect friends to indicate their support for us by showing, either verbally
through dialogue or nonverbally through action, that they care.
F.
Although our personal experience, gender, and ethnic background influence how
we experience and express friendship, there is much common ground about what
people expect and value in friendships.
II.
Friendships tend to follow relatively stable rules for how they develop and function.
A.
The majority of friendships work through a set of stages.
1.
Role—limited interactions. Friendships begin with an initial encounter,
either planned or accidental.
2.
Friendly relations occur when we spend time checking out whether we
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could develop a more lasting relationship with this person.
3.
In the third stage, we work toward creating a longer term friendship by
starting to disclose our feelings, attitudes, values, thoughts, and interests.
4.
Nascent friendship is when we begin to think of ourselves as friends and
to work out our own rules for the relationship.
5.
When we are in the stabilized friendship stage, we have determined that
this relationship will continue, take future encounters for granted, and
work at creating a high level of trust.
6.
Relationship rules are unspoken understandings that regulate how
people interact.
7.
When one or both people stop investing in the friendship, get pulled in
different directions by family or career demands, or violate trust or a rule,
the friendship can begin to wane; communication tends to become
defensive if it exists at all.
III.
Like all relationships, there are various pressures that make friendships difficult to
develop and maintain.
A.
Internal tensions are relationship stressors that grow out of the individuals
involved in the relationship.
1.
Relational dialectics (autonomy/connection, openness/privacy, and
novelty/familiarity) create tension when the people involved in the
friendship have different expectations and/or needs.
2.
Social diversity creates tension when our interpretations of different
communication styles or perceptions create misunderstandings.
3.
Sexual attraction creates tension when two friends have agreed not to add
romance to their relationship or if one person wants romance and the other
does not.
B.
External tensions are relationship stressors that grow out of the situation or
context surrounding the relationship.
1.
Friends may have competing demands. Because our lives are complex
and friendships have no rules governing how often, when, and where
we interact, they are frequently the easiest relationship to neglect
when we have too much to do.
2.
Our friendships change as we make changes in our lives (e.g., starting a
new educational stage, a new career, a family; caring for others).
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3.
Geographic distance is becoming a larger constraint as we become a more
mobile society: friends of the heart, who remain close regardless of distance
and circumstances, and friends of the road, who change as we move along
the road of life.
IV.
Social media offer us a range of ways to make friends and to maintain existing
friendships.
A.
Many online friendships are not as rich and close as f2f friendships.
B.
Social media can be used to engage in cyberbullying.
1.
It is often perpetrated anonymously.
2.
Cyberbullying has no necessary stopping point.
V.
In addition to the general principles discussed in earlier chapters, there are four specific
guidelines for enhancing communication in friendships.
A.
We need to engage in dual perspective so that we can see the friendship as our
friend does as well as understand the thoughts and feelings this person expresses.
B.
We need to communicate honestly, even when that is not what the other person
wants to hear, or it does not paint a positive picture.
C.
We need to be open to difference and recognize that every friendship or situation
does not come in a neat either–or package.
D.
We need to look beyond the small stuff, so we can see the whole person.
Discussion Ideas
• Features of Friendships: Ask students to indicate the verbal and nonverbal ways they
express each of the features of friendships (willingness to invest, intimacy, acceptance, trust,
support). Possible responses could include closeness through doing, closeness through
dialogue, covert intimacy, and so on. Depending upon your students’ responses, you can
have a discussion about why verbal or nonverbal ways were more difficult to generate or
how men and women are similar or different in the ways they express friendship.
• Friendship Differences: Ask students to think of a good friendship that they have with a
male and one that they have with a female. Discuss the different topics that are discussed in
each of those friendships. Ask if gender makes a difference on communication behaviors,
such as the amount and ways they communicate with their friend. Discuss how males and
females approach their friendships with others of the same and/or opposite sex. Discuss any
relationship rules that might exist in each of these relationships.
• Beginning Stages of Friendships: Prior to the class where you are going to discuss
friendships, ask students to go out and meet someone new on campus. They should spend at
least 10 minutes talking to this person. When they come to class, ask them to write down the
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first three things that came up in their conversation and the last three things about which they
talked. This is usually a good illustration of how we have scripts for first meeting someone
(where are you from, what’s your major, where do you live) and the fact that we do not get
much past the orientation stage of friendships in the first meeting. Responses will vary, but
an example of a script includes the student explaining he is talking to this person for a class
assignment. This is a common explanation or account that students provide in these situations
since it gives the other person a reason for what otherwise might be unexpected behavior.
• Ending Stages of Friendships: Ask students to identify a past friendship that was very
important to them at one time, but that has waned or ended entirely. Which of the
following statements accurately describes that friendship when it was ending? Student
responses will vary. Point out to them how each account, or explanation, varies in terms of
dimensions of attribution (internal/external, global/specific, stable/unstable, and
responsibility).
o
My friend was less interested in getting together or talking with me.
o
I was less interested in getting together or talking with my friend.
o
Career demands took too much of my time.
o
Career demands took too much of my friend’s time.
o
My family situation changed (I married, had or adopted a child, etc.).
o
My friend’s family situation changed.
o
My friend violated my trust.
o
I violated my friend’s trust.
o
My friend moved.
o
I moved.
o
There was sexual tension in the friendship.
o
My friend’s and my interests changed so that we no longer had strong common interests.
o
I developed a new, strong friendship with another person.
o
My friend developed a new, strong friendship with another person.
o
The friendship became too routine and boring.
• Relational Dialectics: Have students make a list of examples of relational dialectics they
have observed in two or three of their friendships. Then, either individually or in small
groups ask them to generate a list of strategies for handling these dialectics. Which strategies
do they find most useful in which kinds of situations? Common response strategies to
dialectical tensions involve neutralization, selection, separation, and reframing.
• Long-Distance Friendships: Ask students to generate a list of ways they stay in touch with
friends who are more than an hour’s drive away. Possible ways might include the telephone,
email, occasional visits, and so on. Once you have a complete list on the board, ask those
students who use each method why they choose that approach. Then, ask those who do not
use each approach why. This usually leads to a discussion of obstacles for long-distance
relationships (which include financial issues, different ways of expressing closeness or
intimacy, maintaining a high commitment to the friendship, etc.).
• Meeting Friends Online: Ask students how many people have met people online, either in
chat rooms, through bulletin board discussions, over email, in MUDs (computer programs
that allow people to take control of a computerized persona), and so on. Has a friendship
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formed with this person? How does developing a friendship online compare with
developing a friendship face-to-face? In the discussion, encourage students to discuss the
developmental phases of friendships discussed in the text (role-limited interaction, friendly
relations, moving toward friendship, nascent friendship, stabilized friendship, waning
friendship).
Activities
Title
Individual
Partner/
Ethno
Group
Demonstration/
Whole Class
Internet/
InfoTrac
1. Differences in friendship
X
2. Moving through friendship
X
3. Friendship manual
X
4. Internet “pen pals”
X–P
X = Marks type of activity H = Handout P = Preparation required for students/teacher
Differences in Friendship
This exercise will illustrate how our friendships with different people have an impact on our
communication behavior.
Ask students to take out a sheet of paper and think of the friendships they share with other
people. On this sheet of paper, have students name one friend for each category: (1) a friend who
is from a different culture, (2) a friend who is of a different religion, (3) a friend who is a
different race, (3) a friend who is drastically different in age from you, (4) a friend who has a
different sexual orientation, and (5) a friend who has different socioeconomic status.
Then, ask students to respond to the following questions on their sheet of paper:
1.
Which friend is easier to communicate to? Why?
2.
Which friend is fun to talk to? Why?
3.
What do your other friends think of their relationship to your five friends listed above? Why?
4.
Has your differences affected your friendship in any way? If so, how?
5.
How do these friendships compare with your other friends who are similar to you?
Discuss the students’ answers and make them aware how our friendship differences may be very
valuable. Discuss how communication behaviors differ in each of these friendships.
Moving through Friendship
This activity highlights how communication varies in each stage of friendship.
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Assign students to groups so that there is one group for each stage in the model of friendships
discussed in the textbook. Tell the groups they will have 15 minutes to construct a 2-minute
dialogue to illustrate the stage of friendship that their group is assigned. Encourage students
to refer to their textbook to identify particular communication behaviors that tend to occur at
each stage.
After all groups have presented their dialogues, summarize the activity by highlighting the role
of communication in developing closeness between friends. Point out to students that
communication becomes more personal (more toward an I–Thou relationship), disclosive, and
informal as friendship grows and how distance, awkwardness, and less-personal disclosures
occur when friendship is waning.
Friendship Manual
This exercise heightens students’ awareness of the rules they follow in their friendships. It also
focuses their thinking on research that has been done on friendship rules in the United States.
Organize students into groups of five to eight members. Instruct the groups to take 20 minutes to
develop a rule book for friendships among college students in the United States. Explain that
they should assume the rule book is for someone who has not lived in the United States and not
attended a U.S. college, so they must be very clear about what people need to say and do to be a
friend.
Remind students that there are variations in friendship styles and communication and their
manuals should give clear information on how to be friends with people of different races,
classes, sexual orientations, and so forth.
After 20 minutes have elapsed, ask a representative from each group to read the rules it
generated. List these on the chalkboard, noting which rules recur among groups. To culminate
the exercise, you should focus discussion on the concept of rules as unarticulated and often
unconscious expectations and patterns that influence how we relate to friends (and others).
Internet “Pen Pals”
The purpose of this activity is to compare and contrast websites devoted to forming pen pal
relationships for people from various standpoints.
Friends have written letters to create and sustain their relationships for centuries. The emergence
of the Internet has created new ways for people to meet and sustain their relationships. To
prepare for this activity, visit a variety of “pen pal” websites that focus on different standpoints
and special interests (type “pen pals” in your favorite search engine). Examples include the
following:
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Prison Pen Pals (http://www.prisonpenpals.com/)
Write a Senior Citizen (http://www.writeseniors.com)
In class, go through each website and ask students to make a list of similarities and differences
among the sites. Lead a discussion on how this technology allows people to negotiate long-
distance friendships and compare it to how people negotiate their relationship in face-to-face
interaction as discussed in the text.
Journal Items
• Describe a friendship you have with a member of your sex. Analyze the extent to which it
conforms to the gender patterns described in the text.
Responses will vary, but gendered patterns of friendship include cultivating closeness
through doing or dialogue and providing instrumental support or providing verbal emotional
support.
• Describe a friendship you have with a member of the other sex. Analyze the extent to which
it conforms to the gender patterns described in the text.
Responses will vary. Refer to the previous Journal item for examples of gendered patterns of
friendship.
• Review the research on rules of friendship covered in of your textbook. Analyze how these
rules affect or don’t pertain to your friendships. Are there other rules specific to your
friendships?
Responses will vary, but rules of friendship indicate what is expected and what is (not)
allowed in relationships. Examples of friendship rules include maintaining confidentiality,
not sleeping with a friend’s romantic partner, providing support, time, acceptance, and so on.
• Consider a friendship that you sustain over long distances. What technologies (e.g., phone,
email, e-Cards, web pages, chat rooms, and video phones) do you use to sustain this
relationship? Do you use different technologies for different kinds of communication
activities?
Responses will vary, but email may be used to send jokes, e-Cards to send words of
congratulation or encouragement, the phone when a big event occurs, chat rooms or web-
based telephony to avoid long-distance phone charges, web pages to share pictures, and
so on.
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Panel Idea
If you didn’t organize the multiracial panel suggested for Chapter 1, it would be effective at
this point in your course. Panelists who represent different races could inform the class of any
race-related rules for friendship.
You could bring in elderly best friends and ask them what makes their friendship last so long.
You might talk about their communication with each other.
Media Resources
Websites
Name: The Virtual Community
Developer: Howard Rheingold
Brief Description: This site contains an online version of Howard Rheingold’s book The Virtual
Community, which discusses how people use computers to communicate, form friendships that
serve as a basis for a community, and the tensions between “virtual” communities and “real”
communities.
URL: http://www.rheingold.com/vc/book/
Name: Celebrate Friendship
Developer: Dave White
Brief Description: A list of books and resources about friendship and platonic love.
URL: http://www.celebratefriendship.org/
Name: 130 Best Friend Questions + Quiz
Developer: IceBreakers Ideas
Brief Description: A questionnaire for friends to complete in order to identify their degree of
compatibility.
URL: https://icebreakerideas.com/best-friend-questions/
Name: How Office Friendships Can Boost Your Bottom Line
Developer: Andre Lavoie/Entrepreneur.com
Brief Description: Reports on U.S Department of Labor survey that found good friends in the
workplace can have a positive effect on employee motivation and job satisfaction.
URL: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/238358
Name: The Friendship page
Developer: friendship.com.au
Brief Description: This site is devoted to friendships. It offers chat rooms, poetry, and cards.
URL: http://www.friendship.com.au/
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Name: Building Goodwill through Friendships
Developer: Friendship Force organization
Brief Description: This site encourages friendships between people of different cultures in order to promote
world peace and cultural understanding.
URL: http://www.friendshipforce.org/
Name: Facebook
Developer: Facebook
Brief Description: An Internet group that helps you connect and share with people in your life. It
lets you create your own web page to define and show yourself to those you care about.
URL: http://www.facebook.com/
Name: Myspace
Developer: Myspace
Brief Description: Just like Facebook it’s also an Internet group that helps you connect and share
with people in your life. It lets you create your own web page to define and show yourself to
those you care about.
URL: http://www.myspace.com/
Name: Reunion.com
Developer: Reunion.com
Brief Description: A site where you can search for people in your past. This site is meant to help
you find friends you have lost touch with.
URL: http://www.reunion.com/
Film Ideas
A number of films depict men’s friendships and women’s friendships and highlight gender–
influenced differences in how friendships develop and what they mean. You might select
excerpts from several films or set aside enough class time for students to watch two complete
films (one of male friends, one of female friends). Films depicting female friendships include
Thelma and Louise, Fried Green Tomatoes, and Steel Magnolias. Films depicting male
friendships include City Slickers, Dead Poets’ Society, and Easy Rider.
When Harry Met Sally depicts a relationship between a man and a woman and poses the
question “can women and men ever really be just friends?” In addition to highlighting gender
differences, this film invites discussion of whether sexual tension dooms friendships between the
sexes.
About a Boy illustrates the unlikely friendship between two very different people. The film
illustrates how friendship can be important to both people involved.
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As Good as It Gets tells a story of friendship and love between two unlikely people. Ask
students to consider sacrifices people make in their relationships in terms of tolerating and/or
accepting other’s differences. How do friends and intimate couples negotiate their relationship
when this is “as good as it gets?” Consider the role of dual perspective in this process.
Up is a Disney film that illustrates how a friendship can grow between two unlikely
characters and how the relationship can evolve.
Print Resources
The following books could be included in the popular press book analysis paper. Ask students to
relate the research findings regarding gender, sexual orientation, and friendships to the stories
told in these books.
It’s a Chick Thing: Celebrating the Wild Side of Women’s Friendship by Ame
Mahler Beanland, et al.
Navigating Differences: Friendships between Gay and Straight Men by Jammie Price.