978-0134202037 Chapter 10 Soluotion Manual

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Chapter 10: Managing Relationship Challenges

LEARNING OBJECTIVES

10.1 Identify and explain the challenges that individuals involved in interpersonal relationships

must navigate to be successful.

10.2 Describe the issues that constitute the dark side of interpersonal communication and those

that constitute the dark side of interpersonal relationships.

10.3 Explain the process of relational de-escalation and termination, including strategies for

terminating and recovering.

CHAPTER OUTLINE

I. Relationship and Communication Challenges

Learning Objective 10.1: Identify and explain the challenges that individuals involved in

interpersonal relationships must navigate to be successful.

A. Violating Expectations

1. Understanding Relational Expectations and Violations

a. Socially Based Expectations

i. People have social expectations for what it means to be a particular type of

partner (e.g., husband, girlfriend, friend).

ii. Violations of socially based expectations arouse uncertainty and produce

emotional reactions such as hurt and anger.

b. Relationship-Specific Expectations

i. People develop implicit and explicit expectations specific to their relationship.

ii. Implicit understandings represent an unspoken compact between the partners

about the relationship and each other.

iii. Explicit understandings are stated compacts and agreements.

iv. A failure event or transgression is an incident marked by the breaking of a

relational understanding or agreement.

v. Effective management of a failure event can clarify expectations as well as the

relationship.

c. Severity

i. Failure events vary in their severity and impact on relationships.

ii. Failure events can include relational transgressions, such as sexual

transgressions, nonsexual involvement with others, deception, flirting,

betraying a trust, breaking a promise, continued attachment to former partners,

or failing to return affection.

iii. Relationships can be strengthened by discussing relational expectations and

violations and seeking to understand your partner’s assessment of the severity

of any violation.

2. Responding with Discussion

a. Failure events follow a specific pattern of interaction that involves specific

decisions.

i. Has a failure event actually occurred?

ii. Does this transgression violate the culture’s inherent moral code?

iii. Did both parties agree to and understand the rule?

iv. Was the rule appropriate and acceptable?

b. The decision to complain or reproach a partner should be driven by desire to

clarify relational expectations or to avoid the failure event in the future by

modifying the partner’s behaviors.

c. A reproach is a message that a failure event has occurred and may be conveyed

directly or indirectly.

i. Reproaches vary from aggravating (threatening and severe) to mitigating

(mild).

ii. The nature of the reproach affects the account (the response to the reproach).

iii. If a person knows he or she has failed to live up to an expectation, he or she

may self-initiate an account.

d. Accounts are responses to reproaches, and these may be in the form of apologies,

excuses, justifications, or denials or may not come at all.

i. In providing an account to another, you should examine your culpability and

adopt an other-oriented perspective.

ii. Once an account has been received, reproachers must decide whether they

find the account acceptable and whether they consider the issue resolved.

3. Responding with Forgiveness

a. Vincent Waldron and Douglas Kelley offer seven steps to achieving forgiveness:

i. Confront the transgression.

ii. Manage emotion.

iii. Engage in sense making.

iv. Seek forgiveness.

v. Grant forgiveness.

vi. Negotiate values and rules.

vii. Transition, monitor, maintain, or renegotiate.

b. Whether forgiveness is achieved is ultimately dependent on a number of factors,

such as personality (including the ability to empathize), the quality of the

relationship, the nature of the transgression (its severity), sincere acknowledgment

of responsibility, and the perceived intentionality and selfishness of the

transgressor.

c. Deciding to forgive is also affected by the responses provided by our confidants.

d. Forgiving is more likely when these third parties help us gain a new perspective

on the transgression, provide practical advice, and encourage us to forgive our

partner.

In-Text Opportunity for Classroom Discussion

Improving Your Communication Skills: Trait Forgiveness

This feature includes a scale for students to assess their trait forgiveness. Have students

independently complete the scale. Afterward, have students reflect individually on which scores

could be improved and identify bullet points about specific improvements that could be made.

4. Responding with Retaliation

a. Retaliation involves an attempt to hurt the partner in response to the hurt she or he

has caused.

b. Retaliation behaviors can include aggressive communication, active distancing,

manipulation attempts, contacting a rival, and violence.

5. Examining a Model of Forgiveness Responses

a. The model helps to explain why a severe offense in an unsatisfying relationship is

likely to evoke retaliation, whereas a severe offense in a valued relationship is

likely to evoke a conditional response, granting forgiveness on a trial basis.

b. Whether that relationship will continue is probably dependent on whether the

victim has alternative relationships available.

B. Challenging Communication: Addressing Grief and Delivering Bad News

1. When talking with someone who is grieving, socially decenter and think about how

you would like to be treated.

a. Apply confirming listening skills, provide support, and engage in comforting

communication.

2. Another challenge is delivering bad news, which tends to create stress in both the

messenger and recipient.

a. Bad news is information that is unknown but relevant to the recipient and that the

messenger believes will have negative repercussions.

b. Four strategies occur when doctors deliver bad news to patients: direct, indirect,

comforting, and empowerment.

c. In one study of doctors delivering bad news to patients, researchers found

satisfaction for each message depended on the content and the manner in which it

was presented.

C. Maintaining Long-Distance Relationships (LDRs)

1. The Nature of the Separation

a. Each long-distance relationship requires specific maintenance strategies to be

successfully managed.

b. While temporary separation requires some adjustment and management by the

partners, permanent physical separation produces different expectations,

interactions, and relational management strategies.

c. Other separations may be by choice and may raise questions about relational

commitment.

2. Effects of Time Between Visits

a. How often partners are able to get together face to face also affects the impact of

the physical distance.

b. Sometimes partners are relatively close geographically but limited in how often

they can get together.

c. Research has indicated that people who are in long-distance romantic

relationships but who are able to get together at least once a week can maintain

relationships similar to those between people who are physically close.

d. This distance may make it easier to maintain an idealized image of a romantic

relationship when you do not spend as much time with your partner.

i. Researchers Laura Stafford and James Reske found that couples in long-

distance premarital relationships had less communication but greater

satisfaction and higher expectations of the likelihood of marriage.

ii. Couples who are apart have fewer facts about their partners to get in the way.

3. Costs and Rewards

a. Social exchange theory offers one way to analyze the survival of a long-distance

relationship.

b. Distance adds to the costs of maintaining a relationship: monetary costs and time

involved in commuting and the disruption of normal routines.

c. These costs are weighed against the rewards of how well the relationship meets

needs and expectations.

d. Some relationships continue for a lifetime, even with little face-to-face time,

because the rewards of interacting far exceed any costs.

4. Tensions Created by LDRs

a. Tensions may arise when one person tries to maintain both long-distance and

proximal relationships.

b. Long-distance couples also create tensions when they try so hard not to waste

their time together that they over-plan activities, discussion topics, and even sex.

c. The more open and honest the communication, the more similar your long-

distance relationship will be to a proximal relationship.

D. Relationships That Challenge Social Norms

1. When social norms are violated, partners feel social pressure to conform or risk being

ostracized.

2. Partners in intercultural relationships face the challenge of communicating and

interacting effectively and may also confront bias.

3. Finding similarities in culture and values is one way to offset conflicts associated

with differences.

a. Gay and lesbian relationships often face strong social hostility but may be

supported by social networks.

b. Nonsexual relationships between heterosexuals and homosexuals may be

influenced by the sexual orientation of one of the participants.

In-Text Opportunity for Classroom Discussion

Improving Your Communication Skills: Friends with a Difference

This feature asks students to think about friends they know or imagine a friendship with someone

who is from each of the following groups: (a) someone at least ten years older than you; (b)

someone from a country where people speak a different language than you; (c) someone with a

different sexual orientation; (d) someone of a different race; and (e) someone of a different

religion. After students to think of a person for each category, and have them work with a partner

to discuss the questions provided in this feature.

II. The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication and Relationships

Learning Objective 10.2: Describe the issues that constitute the dark side of interpersonal

communication and those that constitute the dark side of interpersonal relationships.

A. Deception

1. Mark Knapp determined that different lies have different stakes.

2. According to interpersonal deception theory, individuals intentionally and

strategically manipulate information to achieve some goal, while others listen and

evaluate the truthfulness of that information.

a. To avoid being caught, deceivers implement deception strategies and monitor

listeners’ responses.

b. Listeners might accept the deception without pause, express skepticism, or

blatantly challenge the deception.

c. Each listener reaction lets the deceiver know his or her next course of action.

3. Deception by Omission (Concealment)

a. We can present information and leave out information in such a way as to

intentionally mislead the listener.

b. We can also intentionally hold back some of the information another person has

requested or that you are expected to share.

c. Deception by omission (concealment) might be considered a failure event for

violating relational expectations.

4. Deception by Commission (Lying)

a. Deception by commission (lying) is the deliberate presentation of false

information.

b. White lies typically involve only a slight degree of falsification that has a

minimal consequence.

c. Exaggeration or embellishing the facts can also be used.

d. Baldfaced lies are outright falsifications of information intended to deceive the

receiver and have more impact on the behavior of those that hear them than the

other types of deception.

e. The emotional impact of the deception is related to the importance of the

relationship, the importance of the information, and the importance people place

on honesty.

5. Reasons for Deception

a. Two general categories for reasons for lying include being altruistic and being

self-serving.

b. Altruistic motivation comes from our concerns about not hurting others.

c. Self-serving motivation comes from our concerns about our personal gain or to

avoid undesirable consequences.

d. These categories include a number of specific reasons for deception:

i. To gain resources (material resources or intangible goals)

ii. To avoid harm or loss of resources (preventing another’s negative reaction or

to save resources)

iii. To protect one’s self-image

iv. For entertainment

v. To protect another person’s resources, self-image, or safety

6. Effects of Deception

a. Incorrect decision making or actions

b. Harm to relationships

c. Loss of trust

d. Harm to innocent bystanders

e. Additional harm of punishment, embarrassment, guilty conscience, or damaged

reputation

B. Communication That Hurts Feelings

1. When people discover that they have been deceived, they usually feel betrayed,

foolish, angry, and/or hurt.

2. Disconfirming responses are messages that hurt listeners by undermining their sense

of self-esteem.

3. As the perceived intentionality of hurtful messages increases, so does the emotional

pain.

4. Researchers have identified three general categories of reactions to messages that

hurt:

a. Active verbal responses are reactive statements such as counterattacks, self-

defense statements, sarcastic statements, and demands for explanations.

b. Acquiescent responses include crying, conceding, or apologizing.

c. Invulnerable responses include ignoring the message, laughing, or being silent

in an attempt to show that the message did not hurt.

5. Research indicates that people are more hurt by messages from family members than

by nonmembers and that romantic relationships are more damaged by hurtful

messages than family, nonfamily, or nonromantic relationships are.

6. The way the message is conveyed also affects its impact, with harsh, abrasive

messages creating greater hurt.

7. The quality of the relationship at the time of the message also affects people’s

perceptions of a hurtful message.

8. Hurtful messages are probably unavoidable in interpersonal relationships, but how

you respond and manage the impact of those messages makes the difference in the

level of satisfaction and happiness you feel in your relationships.

9. A strong other-orientation is needed if you are going to monitor the impact of your

messages on others.

C. Jealousy

1. Envy is a discontented feeling that arises from a desire for something someone else

has. Jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing a valued relationship.

2. Cognitive jealousy is thoughts about the loss of a partner, reflections on decreases in

the partner’s time for the other, and analyses of behaviors or occurrences deemed

suspicious. Emotional or affective jealousy includes the feelings of anger, hurt,

distrust, worry, or concern aroused by the threat of losing a relationship. Behavioral

jealousy represents actions taken to monitor or alter a partner’s jealousy-evoking

activity.

3. Sometimes concern about loss of the relationship arises because of the presence of a

third party, but it can also result from outside factors that jeopardize the relationship.

4. Using Jealousy as a Tactic

a. Among the tactics people use to make another person jealous are distancing,

flirtation façade, and relational alternatives.

b. The use of jealousy as a tactic to improve a relationship by getting the partner to

pay more attention to you or to display greater commitment is risky.

5. Managing Jealousy

a. Concern about the possible loss of, or a significant change in, a relationship is

neither inappropriate nor unusual.

b. Jealousy reflects uncertainty about our value and the relationship.

c. A jealous partner has a number of options, including:

i. Accept or ignore the change in the relationship.

ii. Seek information.

iii. Express the jealousy.

iv. Seek to identify and repair any relational problems.

d. Calmly expressing feelings, presenting oneself in a positive manner, and

expressing caring are viewed more positively than displaying violence, being

insulting or threatening, or confronting a rival.

e. Expressing jealousy can arouse uncertainty in the partner, particularly when the

jealousy is expressed indirectly through crying or acting hurt or depressed.

f. Sensitivity and responsiveness to both partners’ commitment to the relationship

can help avoid or minimize jealousy.

D. Unwanted Attention

1. Obsessive Relational Intrusion (ORI)

a. Obsessive relational intrusion (ORI) describes repeated invasion of a person’s

privacy by a stranger or acquaintance that desires or assumes a close relationship.

b. Unlike stalking, ORI is usually annoying and frustrating but not threatening.

c. ORI is marked by behaviors such as unregulated self-disclosing; trying to get the

other person to disclose; offering unwanted gifts, notes, or calls, and other

expressions of affection; arranging coincidental meetings; and expressing a desire

for physical contact.

d. There is a fine line between trying to hang on to or pursue a relationship and

becoming obsessive.

e. It is the repeated and sustained display of these behaviors after rejection that

indicates ORI.

2. Stalking

a. Stalking involves repeated, unwelcome intrusions that create concern for personal

safety and fear in the target.

b. Stalking can be thought of as an extreme form of ORI.

c. Three recommendations for addressing ORI and stalking:

i. Harden the target: Make it harder for someone to contact you.

ii. Keep others appraised: Let family, friends, coworkers, and others know about

your situation.

iii. Avoidance: After telling the intruder or stalker to leave you alone, you should

avoid any further contact.

E. Relational Violence

1. Relational violence refers to the range of destructive behaviors aimed at other

people, including aggressiveness, threats, violent acts, and verbal, psychological, and

physical abuse.

2. Sociologist Michael Johnson separates partner violence into three types:

a. Intimate terrorism

b. Violent resistance

c. Situational couple violence

3. Males are responsible for almost all intimate terrorism, females for violent resistance,

and both men and women engage in situational couple violence, which is the most

frequent form of relational violence.

4. Acts of relational violence are a form of communication.

5. Acts of relational violence communicate anger, frustration, lack of control, and

disregard for a partner and the relationship while instilling fear and engendering

retaliation, counterattacks, and subversion.

6. Intimate violence is not really about power or gender, but rather reflects a process of

face-threat, negative emotional arousal, conflict, emotional intensification, attack, and

self-protection, building to frustration with irresolvable conflicts and provoking

further aggressive communication and acts of violence.

7. Avoiding relational violence is a strong reason for improving interpersonal

communication skills.

In-Text Opportunity for Classroom Discussion

#communicationandtechnology: Cyberstalking, Cyberbullying, and Partner Surveillance

This feature presents research on the dark side of electronically mediated communication

(EMC), focusing on cyberstalking, cyberbullying, and partner surveillance. General rules about

how students can protect privacy are also included. Hold a class discussion about how students

protect their privacy from others.

III. Relationship De-Escalation and Termination

Learning Objective 10.3: Explain the process of relational de-escalation and termination,

including strategies for terminating and recovering.

A. Signs of Relationship Problems

1. Because each stage in a relationship has unique communication qualities, specific

verbal and nonverbal cues can tip us off when a relationship begins to de-escalate.

2. John Gottman identified four categories of communication behavior that indicate

increasing problems in a marriage:

a. Criticisms

b. Contempt

c. Defensive behaviors

d. Stonewalling

In-Text Opportunity for Classroom Discussion

Relating to Diverse Others: Women’s and Men’s Responses to Relationship Challenges

This feature presents research on the differences between men and women in their management

of relationship challenges. Hold a class discussion in which students talk about how, if at all,

they have noticed sex differences in their own relational experiences.

B. Repair and Rejuvenation

1. The nature of the problem, the stage of the relationship, and an assortment of

relational qualities all affect the success of repair efforts.

2. Professional counseling might be an important option.

3. The ability to rejuvenate a relationship depends on the degree to which partners

recognize the reasons for relational decay and the level of their interest in

rejuvenating the relationship.

4. Rejuvenation is usually conducted through implicit moves rather than direct

discussion.

C. The Decision to End a Relationship

1. If you choose to change the level of intimacy in a relationship, consider your goals.

2. The de-escalation and termination of a relationship is not inherently bad.

3. Not all relationships are meant to endure.

4. Ending a relationship may be a healthy move if the relationship is harmful or does not

provide confirmation of our sense of self.

5. Breaking up an intimate relationship is hard because of the degree to which we

become dependent on the other person to confirm our sense of self.

6. In bilateral dissolutions, both parties are predisposed to ending the relationship and

simply need to sort out the details.

7. In unilateral dissolutions, when one party wants the relationship to continue, the

person who wants to end the relationship often tries to persuade his or her partner to

break up.

D. How Relationships End

1. Fading Away

a. Sometimes a relationship ends by fading away—the two partners just drift further

and further apart, spend less time together, and decrease their self-disclosure.

2. Sudden Death

a. Some relationships have an abrupt and unplanned ending of sudden death,

frequently due to a single precipitating event.

3. Incrementalism

a. In between fading away and sudden death lies incrementalism—the systematic

progression of a relationship through each of the de-escalation stages.

E. Reasons for De-Escalating and Terminating

1. One researcher found that most people attribute breakups to one of three main causes:

a. “Faults” are problems with personality traits or behaviors that one partner dislikes

in the other and are the most commonly named cause.

b. “Unwillingness to compromise” represents a variety of failings on the part of one

or both partners, including failure to put enough effort into the relationship, a

decrease in effort, or failure to make concessions for the good of the relationship.

c. “Feeling constrained” reflects one partner’s desire to be free from the

commitments and constraints of a relationship.

2. A variety of other factors may contribute, such as loss of interest, desire for

independence, and conflicting attitudes about issues affecting the relationship.

3. Just as there are behavioral rules for making and maintaining friends, there are

behaviors that will most certainly cost you a friendship:

a. Acting jealous or being critical

b. Discussing confidences with others

c. Not volunteering in time of need

d. Not trusting or confiding in your friend

e. Criticizing in public

f. Not showing positive regard

g. Not standing up for your friend in his or her absence

h. Not being tolerant of your friend’s other friends

i. Not showing emotional support

j. Nagging your friend

4. Reasons for ending same-sex friendships include physical separation, replacing old

friends with new ones as circumstances change, a change in attitudes about a friend’s

behavior or personality, and one friend’s dating activity or romantic relationships.

5. Close friendships are better able to withstand change, uncertainty, and separation than

are casual friendships.

In-Text Opportunity for Classroom Discussion

Relating to Diverse Others: Empathy and Sexual Orientation

This feature presents a personal story written by one of the authors about an experience that he

had at a call center where he was challenged to display empathy to someone who was different

from him. Hold a class discussion about instances when students were challenged to display

empathy toward someone who was different from them.

F. The Relational Dissolution Process

1. Relationship scholar Steve Duck has created a model that emphasizes the phases or

processes tied to relational dissolution decision making and related social

interactions.

2. Intrapsychic Phase

a. In the first phase of Duck’s model, the intrapsychic phase, we privately evaluate

our partner’s behaviors.

b. Social exchange theory predicts that in this phase we would evaluate the

relationship’s costs and rewards and end relationships when they cost us more

than they reward us.

c. From time to time we all become frustrated with a relationship, and perhaps even

enter the intrapsychic phase.

d. After evaluating our relationship in the intrapsychic phase, we might pass another

threshold where we feel compelled to move to the next phase.

3. Confidant Phase

a. In the confidant phase, we discuss and evaluate the relationship, our concerns,

and options with someone other than our partner.

b. Confidants may act as mediators, encouraging reconciliation and suggesting ways

to repair the relationship.

4. Dyadic Phase

a. In the dyadic phase, we move from internal contemplations about the relationship

to discussing termination with our partner.

b. If our partner feels challenges and intimidated, we might have to justify our

thoughts and feelings about ending the relationship.

c. Issues may be raised that cause us to choose to work on improving the

relationship rather than ending it.

5. Social Phase

a. If you and your partner agree to end the relationship, you enter the social phase,

and members of the social network surrounding both parties are informed of and

begin making the information public.

b. You begin sharing your story about how the relationship ended, molding it to save

face.

6. Grave-Dressing Phase

a. In the grave-dressing phase, we cover up the hurt and pain associated with the

death of the relationship.

b. One or both partners generate public explanations and move past the relationship.

c. Most important, they go through an internal stage of coming to acceptance of the

end of the relationship.

7. Resurrection Phase

a. During the resurrection phase, we review and adjust our perspectives on self,

others, and relationships, while beginning the pursuit of new, meaningful

relationships and reconstructing relational perspectives.

G. Strategies for Ending Relationships

1. Indirect Termination Strategies

a. Indirect termination strategies represent attempts to break up a relationship

without explicitly stating the desire to do so.

i. Withdrawal: Withdrawal involves reducing the amount of contact and

interaction without any explanation.

ii. Pseudo–de-escalation: In pseudo–de-escalation, one partner claims that he or

she wants to redefine the relationship at a lower level of intimacy but, in

reality, he or she wants to end the relationship.

iii. Cost escalation: Cost escalation is an attempt to increase the costs associated

with the relationship to encourage the other person to terminate it.

2. Direct Termination Strategies

a. Direct termination strategies involve explicit statements of a desire to break up

the relationship.

i. Negative Identity Management: Negative identity management is a direct

statement of the desire to terminate the relationship that does not take into

account the other’s feelings and may include criticisms.

ii. Justification: Justification is a clear statement of the desire to end the

relationship accompanied by an honest explanation of the reasons. It may still

hurt the other’s feelings, but a person who uses justification does not fault the

other and attempts to protect both parties’ sense of self. One researcher found

that most people on the receiving end like this strategy the best

iii. De-escalation: De-escalation is an honest statement of a desire to redefine the

relationship at a lower level of intimacy or to move toward ending the

relationship.

iv. Positive Tone: In using the direct strategy of positive tone, the initiator tries to

affirm the other’s personal qualities and worth at the same time that he or she

calls a halt to the relationship.

H. Recovery Strategies

1. Researcher Ann Weber created a list of strategies to help address grief and loss in

nonmarital breakups.

a. Express your emotions to a sympathetic listener, in a journal, or some other

forum.

b. Figure out what happened.

c. Realize, don’t idealize.

d. Prepare to feel better.

e. Expect to heal.

f. Talk to others.

g. Get some perspective.

h. Be ready for further punishment, or maybe reward.

2. Facing the end of a relationship that has meant a great deal to us is one of the more

difficult experiences we face in our social lives. The more intimate and involved we

become, the more heartbreaking the end. Regrettably, relationships do come to an

end, but just as you develop skills in initiating relationships, you can develop the

ability to cope effectively with their termination, and with reflection, experience

personal growth.

In-Text Opportunity for Classroom Discussion

Communication and Emotion: Assessing Your Emotional Responses to Relationship

Challenges

This feature asks students to consider the emotions they experience when confronting situations

with other people. Have students independently reflect on the ten relational challenges and write

about the initial and subsequent emotional reactions. Then have students works in pairs to

consider the questions.

In-Text Opportunity for Classroom Discussion

Applying an Other-Orientation to Relationship Challenges

This feature includes strategies for students to apply an other-orientation when facing

relationship challenges. Have students work in pairs to identify instances in which they faced a

relationship challenge. Then have students consider how each strategy may be used to overcome

the relationship challenge.

KEY TERMS

failure event or

transgression, LO 10.1

reproach, LO 10.1

account, LO 10.1

interpersonal deception

theory, LO 10.2

deception by omission

(concealment), LO 10.2

deception by commission

(lying), LO 10.2

white lies, LO 10.2

exaggeration, LO 10.2

bald-faced lies, LO 10.2

active verbal responses,

LO 10.2

acquiescent responses,

LO 10.2

invulnerable responses,

LO 10.2

envy, LO 10.2

jealousy, LO 10.2

cognitive jealousy,

LO 10.2

emotional or affective

jealousy, LO 10.2

behavioral jealousy,

LO 10.2

obsessive relational

intrusion (ORI), LO 10.2

stalking, LO 10.2

relational violence,

LO 10.2

bilateral dissolution,

LO 10.3

unilateral dissolution,

LO 10.3

fading away, LO 10.3

sudden death, LO 10.3

incrementalism, LO 10.3

intrapsychic phase,

LO 10.3

confidant phase, LO 10.3

dyadic phase, LO 10.3

social phase, LO 10.3

grave-dressing phase,

LO 10.3

resurrection phase,

LO 10.3

indirect termination

strategies, LO 10.3

direct termination

strategies, LO 10.3

LECTURE TOPICS

1. What are some of the common relationship challenges that you have experienced? What

management strategies have you found to be effective? What management strategies have

you found to be ineffective?

2. What relational expectations do you have a tendency to bring into your relationships? How

do you respond when others violate those relational expectations?

3. How has the advent of social media created relational challenges? How are online relational

challenges managed differently than face-to-face relational challenges?

GROUP IN-CLASS ACTIVITIES FOR SKILL DEVELOPMENT

1. Guest Speaker on Family Violence. Consider inviting a guest professor or attorney who

specializes in family violence to speak to your class. Depending on your students’ interests,

you could bring in someone knowledgeable in a particular sub-specialty in family violence—

such as violence against children, sexual violence, marital or partner violence. Have this

speaker talk about his or her perspective on how communication escalates problems with

family violence.

2. Analyzing Media and Conflict. Select an episode from a television drama, comedy, or

movie that demonstrates the behaviors that can help sustain or harm a relationship. (Even an

episode of a popular soap opera may be useful.) During the clip, ask students to look for

instances of supportive communication, as well as instances in which communication is

harmful. What were the results and outcomes of these communication behaviors? What

activity or behavior preceded the episode of hurtful communication? Ask students to discuss

how the situation could have been handled differently.

3. Breaking Up. Ask students to identify their preferred method for breakups in the past. Have

students form groups based on their strategies. In each group, have students consider and list

all possible positive and negative effects of that particular strategy. Encourage students to

consider the effects on the initiator of the breakup, the receiver of the message, and the

relationship itself. After reports from each group, lead a class discussion aimed at rank-

ordering strategies from most to least humane.

HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENTS

1. Responding to Failure Events. In a short paper assignment, ask students to identify one or

more “failure events” they have experienced in their relationships. Instruct them to define

“failure event,” explain the type of relationship it occurred in, discuss how they handled it,

and explain what the result was for the relationship. Following this account, they should

evaluate the failure event using concepts and ideas from the text, including what they did

well and things they could have handled differently. Because students may feel

uncomfortable documenting their own failure events, give them the option of writing

(without using names) about a failure event they observed in the relationship of a roommate

or close friend.

2. Interviews and Long-Distance Relationships (LDRs). Ask students to talk to their friends,

parents, and relatives about their long-distance relationships.

• What were the circumstances?

• What were the outcomes?

• How did the relationship change when the partners were close together?

• How did it influence their relationship?

• How has technology (e-mail and cell phones) influenced the communication between

absent partners and friends?

3. Exploring Support Groups. Ask students to conduct some research about online support

groups, particularly for people who have lost a loved one to divorce or death. In analyzing

the messages within these groups, have students write a reflection in which they consider the

following questions:

• What functions do they serve?

• Why might some people hesitate to get involved?

• What types of activities do they pursue?

• How long do people usually continue with the group?

REVEL WRITING EXERCISES

Journal Writing

10.1 Journal: Long Distance. Daric and Jamie are in an exclusive romantic relationship, but

they have been attending different schools 300 miles apart. Soon they will be graduating and

moving to the same city. What advice can you give them to help ensure the relationship survives

living in the same area again?

10.2 Journal: Discovering Deception. What factors would influence your reaction to the

discovery that another person had deceived you?

10.3 Journal: Ending a Relationship. How do you know when it is time to get out of a

relationship?

Shared Writing: Offending Comments

Working in groups, consider a scenario in which you’re having lunch with a close friend when

you both observe an interracial couple sitting down to eat. Your friend makes a highly

derogatory comment about the couple that offends you. What should you do? What will you do?

Why?