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Activities and Discussion Questions
Hocker: Interpersonal Conflict, 9e IM-63
© 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any
manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or part.
Chapter 10: Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Activities and Discussion Questions
Apologies 101
Overview
Have students develop a handbook on apologies to be distributed to all members of the class.
This activity encourages independent thought and group creativity and decision-making. You
can assign students to work out of class or use class time to complete part or all of the activity. If
students have access to computers during class, they can work together to create the final product
in a shorter period of time.
Process
Prior to facilitating this activity in class, assign students to summarize their experiences with two
apologies and to describe their characteristics. The first apology should be one in which they felt
the other provided them with a heartfelt and sincere apology and the second should be an account
of an apology they perceived to be insincere. Students will not need to share the specifics about
the incidents surrounding the apologies, but should be prepared to discuss the differences in the
ways each of the apologies were given.
In class, divide students into groups of 3-5. Each group should compare the strategies used in
effective apologies and ineffective ones. Have them develop a master list of DOs and DON’Ts
to share with the class. (Allow 8-10 minutes for this discussion and list-generation process).
Listen to oral reports from each group and have a recorder summarize the DOs and DON’Ts on
the board, overhead, or flip charts.
Once all of the suggestions are heard and summarized, facilitate a discussion about which
strategies are most important and why. Be sure to allow for disagreement and the expression of
rationales for alternating views. (This could take as long as 20-30 minutes).
As a class, use the list generated to develop a handbook on forgiveness strategies. Assign each
group a part of the task–one group can write a preface and introduction to the handbook, another
design and gather illustrations, a couple of groups can work together to ensure that all strategies
are presented in a coherent manner. Finally, one group can be responsible for editing the entire
document. Reproduce and present each class member with their own copy of the handbook by
the end of the week.
Follow-up
As an in-class writing assignment, have students describe accurately how THEY PERSONALLY
go about apologizing to someone. Have them recall a specific, recent apology and write briefly
about how they actually went about offering an apology.
Distribute the “Apologies 101 Handbook” constructed by the class. Give students 2-3 minutes to
look it over and refresh their memories of their collective wisdom. Then divide students into
Activities and Discussion Questions
Hocker: Interpersonal Conflict, 9e IM-64
© 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any
manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or part.
groups of three to share the extent to which their recent apology measured up to the classes’
standards.
Discussion Questions
• To what extent did your apology conform to the guidelines we developed as a class?
• What accounts for similarities and differences?
• Why may it sometimes seem impossible or impractical to live up to the standards we have set
as a class?
• What would motivate you to try other strategies for apologies?
Be sure to leave time to debrief after this exercise either through full-class discussion or
individual reflective writing or journaling activities.
Activities and Discussion Questions
Hocker: Interpersonal Conflict, 9e IM-65
© 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any
manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or part.
Actual Class Sample of an
Apologies Handbook
When Giving an Apology
Do’s
Give the other Person Time to be Upset
Be Prepared for the other Person to NOT accept your Apology or Forgive You.
Listen to Why the Other is Mad
Acknowledge the Offense
Be sincere
Make an Apology, Not an Excuse
Practice to Make Your Apology Perfect
Match your Nonverbal Cues to your Language (direct eye contact, not rolling your eyes, etc.)
Apologize Sooner Rather than Later
The Importance of Time and Place when Apologizing
Ask for Forgiveness
Apologize in Person
Make Time…Spend time with the Person (not just “in and out”)
Be “Present” in the Situation
Be Prepared for “Apology Busters,” statement from the other that indicate they don’t believe
you, etc.
Clearly Convey What You Will Do to Make it Better (actions, comments, etc.)
Teach Children to Apologize by Apologize When YOU Make a Mistake
Don’ts
Don’t be mad if the other person isn’t ready yet.
Don’t expect an apology to erase your behavior from their memory.
Don’t have an attitude that contradicts your words.
Don’t tell people they shouldn’t be upset.
Don't say “…but…”
Don’t try to evoke sympathy for yourself as part of the apology.
Don't demand a response to your apology—be patient and wait.
Don’t escalate the conflict by responding negatively to possible “Apology Busters.”
Don’t apologize in front of others, unless a public apology is what is required.
Don’t constantly ask why they are upset—they obviously have a reason.
Don’t turn the apology back on the person (e.g. Yes, I did this, but remember when you did it to
me…..etc.)
Don’t be sarcastic
NEVER use the word BUT when giving an apology.
Avoid bad jokes, rolling your eyes, avoiding eye contact, excessive shuffling or nervous
twitching.
Don’t assume you are “cool with them” just because you said you are sorry!
Activities and Discussion Questions
Hocker: Interpersonal Conflict, 9e IM-66
© 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any
manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or part.
When Receiving an Apology
Do:
Listen completely
Withhold judgment
Avoid further conflict with hurtful messages
Appreciate the effort made by the other person.
Make a plan for “next time” (How can we do this better in the future, etc.)
Verbally state that you accept the apology (if, in fact, you do)
Explore the possibility of “letting go” and/or creating a better vision of the past.
Acknowledge the importance of the relationship.
Don’t:
Interrupt
Attack the person
Equate the apology with condoning the behavior.
Accept the apology if you are not ready (Handle this with care; perhaps indicate when you might
be ready or what it would take for you to be ready).
Hold the person “hostage” for a long time (i.e. don’t “punish” them).
Assume you will immediately feel better…Give yourself some time.
Journaling
If your term doesn’t allow this much time for addressing the activity above, you could choose the
option of journaling only. As students to keep a journal over a period of two weeks, where they
notice opportunities for forgiveness/apologies. Examples: They might notice situations where
they wished someone would apologize to them, or when they should’ve apologized to someone
else. They might witness effective/ineffective apologies. They also might experience situations
where someone has apologized to them, but the students don’t feel very forgiving. (Students may
have additional examples to share).
After they’ve turned in their journals, ask them:
• What did you learn from keeping a journal?
• How likely are you to forgive others? (What challenges do you face?)
• How likely are you to apologize to others?
• What impact does an apology (or lack thereof) have on a conflict?
• Are some apologies more effective than others? What is/are the difference(s)?
Activities and Discussion Questions
Hocker: Interpersonal Conflict, 9e IM-67
© 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any
manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or part.
Forgiveness: A Relational View
Overview
This assignment is one that you can assign to be part of a journal or reflective writing activity,
modify as a paper assignment, or adapt for an in-class activity with a partner. If you are going to
have students discuss specific instances with classmates, it is important that you remind them
about the importance of confidentiality and that you provide ample opportunities for building
trust.
Part One
1. Write a list of forgiveness you’d like to give to others or write a list of people who might
want your forgiveness. (Maybe you can make a list of hurtful messages you’ve received or
other harmful acts.) What do you need to do? What do you need from the others?
2. Write a list of transgressions for which you would like forgiveness. Identify steps you may
need to take to receive this forgiveness.
3. Compare and contrast your lists. What do you notice?
Part Two
1. Talk to at least one person on each list and explore the possibility of forgiveness.
a. Identify at least two strategies from the chapter to help you achieve this objective.
b. Ask the persons you talk to for their perceptions about the hurtful acts or messages.
c. Ask what the other person needs from you?
d. Tell the other person what you need from her or him?
2. Write a summary of these conversations.
3. What did you learn about yourself and others by completing this process?
Discussion: Forgive and Forget?
The following questions may be used for a number of activities, including, but not limited to: (a)
a class discussion about the challenges posed by forgiveness; (b) short in-class writings; (c)
journal entries; (d) a short essay or group project. For example, students could interview friends
and families to find out others’ viewpoints on these subjects and report their findings in small
groups.
1. A common saying in our culture is to “forgive and forget.” Do you think this is possible?
Desirable? Why or why not?
2. Can anything and everything be forgiven?
3. Even if you apologize in a conflict, can you really "take something back" (words or actions)?
What are the effects of this behavior on the relationship?
4. What is the relationship between apologies and forgiveness? Do you need the first to have
the second?
5. What does it mean to say that forgiveness is a process? What does it mean to say that
forgiveness is a decision? Compare and contrast these views.
6. Why do you suppose it’s so difficult to forgive people in our culture? Why do we have a
cultural hang up that says forgiveness means the transgression is “okay?”
Activities and Discussion Questions
Hocker: Interpersonal Conflict, 9e IM-68
© 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any
manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or part.
7. Must involved parties communicate in order for forgiveness to be effective or achieved?
What, if any, limitations are posed by not talking with others (those who’ve harmed you or
those you’ve harmed)?
8. What gender differences, if any, have you experienced regarding forgiveness?
9. How is forgiveness perceived and achieved in other cultures? Compare and contrast these
viewpoints with U.S. culture.
10. Finally, how does the advice in Chapter 10 relate to forgiveness in your everyday lives?
(Does it really work?) Explain.
Activities and Discussion Questions
Hocker: Interpersonal Conflict, 9e IM-69
© 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any
manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or part.
Chapter 10: Extended Dialogue and Discussion
“I Said I Was Sorry!”
Background:
X and Y had a terrible fight, but it started out small—over who was going to pick up the car at
the mechanic’s. They were both pressed for time, and the argument evolved into a discussion
over who does the most work around the house. X resorted to threats, name calling and
profanity. Y was angry through most of it, but didn’t raise her voice, and she asked X to stop
calling her names. X said he needed a break and that nothing good was going to come of this
conversation, so Y should just leave him alone. Y wanted to salvage the conversation, so she
tried one more time. X came unglued and told her that she never respects his time and to “back
off.” He also said she deserves his nastiness because he asked her to leave him alone and she
wouldn’t let it go. Frustrated and sad, Y agreed to give X his space. She went upstairs and cried,
thinking about the hurtful comments X made to her, wondering if she could ever get past this.
After a while, instead of feeling sad, she just got angry and began thinking of all the hurtful
things she could have said, and ways she might get him back. She is stewing, when X comes
upstairs an hour later:
X: “I’m sorry about being a jerk downstairs.”
Y: Now you’re sorry? After I’ve sat here by myself thinking about all the hateful things you
said. I don’t know what’s wrong with you.
X: I am sorry. I just needed time to cool down.
Y. From what? It wasn’t even that big of deal. And you got your way—I got the car. So you
get to cool down, but now I’m worked up about it. You’re still being a jerk.
X: Obviously you aren’t ready to talk.
Y. Obviously. I love how YOU get to decide when it’s time to talk, all the while accusing me of
not respecting your time.
X: I SAID I was sorry. What more do you want?
Z: Seriously? Is that supposed to be an apology? Just because you said it doesn’t mean you
mean it. You’re still so angry. Clearly you are NOT sorry.
X: I was when I came up here, but you haven’t taken any accountability for you part in this—
Where’s your apology to me?
Z: I told you I was sorry for bringing the whole thing up.
X: You did not say that. You never say you are sorry. It’s never your fault, ever, is it?
Activities and Discussion Questions
Hocker: Interpersonal Conflict, 9e IM-70
© 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any
manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or part.
Z: I did say I was sorry—I’m sure you didn’t hear it because you were too busy yelling how I’m
too dumb to figure anything out. I’m not sure what I should apologize for now…You are the one
who said all those mean things and I’m just supposed to forget about it? You’re right—I’m not
accepting your apology because you aren’t sorry. And here’s the deal—you can’t even tell me
that you wouldn’t go there again. You get angrier and meaner every time we fight. It’s like
we’re at your parents’ house. I don’t want to be called names and put down—it hurts my
feelings.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. Analyze the apologies offered in this conversation. In what ways do they follow the
criteria for a good apology, according to your text?
2. In what ways do the apologies need work?
3. Since analyzing the apologies ONLY doesn’t explain the whole story, what conflict
management advice could you give X and Y about their styles/behaviors/efforts?
4. Locate places in the conversation where the direction could be turned positive. What
could X or Y say instead?
5. What can you, as students of conflict, learn about apologies and their impact on
relationships by studying this scenario and conversation?
6. Do you think there is any chance X or Y will be able to forgive the other? Why or why
not?
Activities and Discussion Questions
Hocker: Interpersonal Conflict, 9e IM-71
© 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any
manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or part.
Final Activities and Discussion Questions*
Write the Authors
Come to class with a large envelope addressed to the authors of the text and a set of individual
envelopes. Have the students write a personal letter to the authors of the text detailing two
significant insights they have developed throughout the term. Have them be as specific as
possible about what they have learned and how they learned it. Each student is also to identify
one thing from the text they found problematic or simply disagreed with and explain how they
feel the section could be clarified or why it should be discarded.
You may find that it is easier for students to type their responses. In that case, you could assign
them to write their letters ahead of time and bring the printed copies to class. In class, ask for
volunteers to read their letters to William Wilmot and Joyce Hocker. As a class, summarize the
common themes from the packet of letters to be sent.
1. What are the key themes identified as important learnings?
2. What concepts would you like the authors to clarify or delete?
3. How would you suggest they clarify challenging material?
4. What do you really want them to know about your experiences with their text?
*This last set of activities are not meant as “final activities” the way we traditionally think of
finals. They are not intended to serve as “comprehensive” activities, or exams, but make
effective discussions/activities for the end of the term. They also help develop general, or core
competencies, for all students. Certainly, use them as you see fit.
Activities and Discussion Questions
Hocker: Interpersonal Conflict, 9e IM-72
© 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any
manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or part.
Developing Conflict Case Studies
Overview
This assignment is designed to encourage students to work collaboratively to demonstrate their
ability to create and analyze case studies in conflict. In groups of 3-4, students are to develop
and write a case study in conflict that incorporates three distinct concepts from the course.
Groups should write their case in such a way that others who have had this course could identify
the concepts chosen. In addition to writing the case study (1-2 pages), groups are to develop a
set of discussion questions that focus on the three course concepts. Groups will be expected to
exchange and analyze each other’s cases.
Description
The initial phase of this assignment can be done as a group project outside of class or can be
completed during a two-hour final exam period. In either case, the assignment includes the
development of a case study and discussion questions followed by an exchange and analysis of
the cases by another group.
Instructions for in-class and group project assignments are on the next page.
Assessment
Your assessment of this assignment will be influenced by the format in which you give the
assignment. You can expect that the group project assignment out of class will be more
extensively developed, proofread, etc. than one done under time constraints. However, you
should be able to identify the relative importance of each component of the assignment: case
development, clarity of course concepts, complete response to discussion questions, and
summary and illustration of the groups’ understanding of the complexity of the case.
Activities and Discussion Questions
Hocker: Interpersonal Conflict, 9e IM-73
© 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any
manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or part.
In-Class Instructions
You will have about 45 minutes to develop your case study and discussion questions. As a
group, you will need to determine how to go about this task. Some of you may want to start by
selecting concepts and then writing a case that illustrates them. Others may start with a case, and
then discuss the concepts present in it.
Your case should be written legibly enough for another group to read and respond to it in the
second half of class.
After a short break, each group will receive a case study and set of questions from another team.
You will have 20-30 minutes to read and respond to the case you are given. As a group you are
to summarize and illustrate your response to the case for the class as a whole. You are
encouraged to use role-plays or other creative means to demonstrate both your understanding of
the complexities of the case provided and the course concepts embedded within it.
You are strongly encouraged to use your texts, notes, and one another as resources for both parts
of this assignment.
At the end of the class, you will be asked to turn in the case study you are given and any notes
you make in preparation for your presentation of it.
Group Project Instructions
As a group you are to meet outside of class to develop your case study and discussion questions.
One of your first tasks will be to determine how you might go about this task. You might want
to start by selecting concepts and then writing a case that illustrates them or begin by identifying
a case and then discussing the concepts present in it. Ultimately, you are responsible for turning
in enough copies of your written case and discussion questions for each group in the class as well
as one for the instructor. Be sure all of your names are on your finished product.
When each group has exchanged cases, you are to choose two case studies and develop an
appropriate written response to the questions raised. As a group you are also to summarize and
illustrate your response to the case as a whole. You are encouraged to use role-plays or other
creative means to demonstrate both your understanding of the complexities of the cases provided
and the course concepts embedded within it.
