Chapter 7
Understanding Relationships
ABOUT CHAPTER 7
In this chapter students learn that communication is the one variable common to all our
relationships. They are given an opportunity to explore human beings’ needs for inclusion,
control, and affection—that is, the need we all have to feel that others take an interest in us, that
we can exert control over our lives, and that we are lovable.
The concept of breadth and depth in relationships is considered, as are the stages of relationships:
initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, bonding, differentiating, circumscribing,
stagnating, avoiding, and terminating. Students should come to recognize that how we
communicate plays a key part in determining whether our relationships are as effective and
rewarding for us as they could be.
In the Instructor Edition you will find Teaching Tips and additional Group Exercise suggestions
to use with this lesson.
CHAPTER OBJECTIVES AND CONTENT
Objectives and Content Activities and Resources
LO1: Describe the various functions of
relationships and the needs they fulfill.
In the Text:
Pages 170-174
Skill Builder: One Relationship, Indivisible
Work It Out: Develop
Sidebar Discussion Starters
Review, reflect, & Apply
Recall
Understand
Create
In the Instructor’s Manual:
7.4 SKILL BUILDER: Initiating
Relationships
7.5Skill Builder: Survivor Mentality
On the OLC
Self-Inventory
LO2: Discuss the role conversation plays
in relationships.
In the Text:
Pages 175-177
Exploring Diversity: Women, Intimacy and
Isolation
Sidebar Discussion Starters
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L03: Explain how relationships can differ
in terms of breadth and depth
In the Text:
Pages 177-179
Review, Reflect & Apply
Understand
Analyze
Create
Work It Out: Provide Examples
Work It Out: Bring It In
Sidebar Discussion Starters
In the Instructor’s Manual
Skill Builder: Provide Examples
LO4: Analyze relationships using the
following theories: stages,
cost-benefit/social exchange, and relational
dialectics.
In the Text:
Pages 179-189
Review, Reflect & Apply
Understand
Evaluate
Create
Sidebar Discussion Starters
In the Instructor’s Manual
7.9 SKILL BUILDER: Using the 10
7.10 SKILL BUILDER: Identify
Relationships
7.11 SKILL BUILDER: Relational
Dialectics
LO5: Explain the relationship between
trust and relationship development
In the Text:
Pages 189-191
Work It Out: Compile a List
Skill Builder: Lies, Lies, Lies
Exploring Diversity: Does the Truth Lie?
Exploring Diversity: Does the Truth Hurt?
Work It Out: Identify Expectations
Work It Out: Identify Online
Ethics and Communication: What Shames
Us?
Sidebar Discussion Starters
In the Instructor’s Manual
7.8 SKILL BUILDER: Meeting Online
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LO6: Explain how gender and culture
influence the ways relationships are formed
and maintained.
In the Text:
Pages 191-194
Media Wise: Too Few? Too Sexy?
Thinking Critically: Reflect and Respond
Sidebar Discussion Starters
In the Instructor’s Manual
7.13 SKILL BUILDER: Service Learning
LO7: Discuss the role of technology in the
initiation and development of relationships.
Additional Activities
In the Text
Pages 194-197
In the Instructor’s Manual
7.15 SKILL BUILDER: Listen/View
Worksheets
Self Analysis Scale
On the Online Learning Center (OLC)
Key Term Flashcards
Self-Quizzes
Key Term Crosswords
Self Quizzes
PowerPoint Files (Teacher Area of OLC)
LESSON OUTLINE FOR CHAPTER 7
I. The Role of Relationships
A. Functions of Relationships
B. Inclusion
C. Control
D. Affection
Incorporate activities from the text and the instructor’s manual
II. Building Relationships
A. The Grapevine
B. The Gossip Mill
Incorporate activities from the text and the instructor’s manual
III. Gender, Culture, and Relationships
A. Gender and Relationships
B. Culture and Relationships
Incorporate activities from the text and the instructor’s manual
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IV. Dimensions of Relationships
A. Breadth
B. Depth
Incorporate activities from the text and the instructor’s manual
V. Development of Relationships
A. Stages of Relationships: From Beginning to Ending to Beginning
1. Initiating
2. Experimenting
3. Intensifying
4. Integrating
5. Bonding
6. Differentiating
7. Circumscribing
8. Stagnating
9. Avoiding
10. Terminating
B. Cost-Benefit Theory and the Development of Relationships
C. Deception and Development of Relationships
D. Trust and Development of Relationships
Incorporate activities from the text and the instructor’s manual
VI. Improving Your “Relationship Satisfaction”
A. Actively Seek Information from Others and Reinforce Others for Attempting to
Seek Information from You
B. Recognize the Characteristics of Friendship
C. Recognize that Relationships Evolve
D. Know When to Sever a Relationship
E. Recognize that Communication is the Lifeblood of a Relationship
Incorporate activities from the text and the instructor’s manual
TOPICS FOR DISCUSSION
1. Discuss the need for inclusion, control, and affection in on-the-job relationships.
2. Do you think that men and women differ in their need for inclusion, affection, or control?
Why or why not?
3. Describe a situation in which someone revealed more personal information about himself
or herself than you were ready for. How did you respond?
4. Describe hypothetical examples of relationships where a cost-benefit analysis would
show that the costs clearly outweigh the benefits.
5. Describe hypothetical examples of relationships where a cost-benefit analysis would
show that the benefits clearly outweigh the costs.
6. How do you define a lie? In your opinion, which, if any situations call for lying? Why?
7. In what ways is a liar like a counterfeiter?
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8. Have you ever had a relationship that was difficult to terminate? If so, how did you
handle it? Could you have handled it more effectively? If so, how?
ADDITIONAL DISCUSSION STARTERS
1. Deborah Tannen has said, “We need to get close to each other to have a sense of
community, to feel we are not alone in the world. But we need to keep our distance from
each other to preserve our independence, so others do not impose on or engulf us. How
do you navigate this duality in your own life? That is, how do you balance your need for
individuality with your need for social contact?
2. Do you think men and women differ in their need for inclusion, control, or affection? Do
they differ in the way they express their needs?
3. How do you feel when someone reveals more to you than you are ready for? Have you
ever made anyone feel uncomfortable by revealing too much too quickly? Explain.
4. Relationships typically begin with small talk. What do you say to initiate communication
with someone you would like to get to know?
5. Have you had some relationships that did not pass beyond the experimentation state but
that you now wish had gone further?
6. Identify relationships in your own life that have stabilized one or more of Knapp’s
coming together stages
7. Personalization has hit the casket industry. You can now purchase a casket adorned with
scenes of the last supper, your favorite flag, or your favorite musical group. Is this a
meaningful way to have the last work in self-expression?
8. Most of us would condemn lying. Nevertheless, during the course of a typical week,
nearly every one of us lies. How do you explain this?
9. Provide example of conversations that changed the nature of your relationships
ADDITIONAL SKILL BUILDERS
7.1 SKILL BUILDER: Needs and Relationships
Have students consider the “three basic needs” we attempt to meet through our relationships, as
described in the text. Can they identify any additional needs that our relationships can fulfill?
Have students identify some needs that our relationships cannot fulfill. Can they perceive a
pattern here? What distinguishes needs that involve relationships from those that do not?
7.2 SKILL BUILDER: Conversation and Relationships
Have students consider Robert Nofsinger’s comment, “Almost everything we do that concerns
other people involves us in conversation.” Ask them to come up with some counter-examples—
things we do that concern other people but do not involve us in conversation. Can they see any
pattern here? What distinguishes the things that involve us in conversation from the things that
do not?
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7.3 SKILL BUILDER: Relationship Circles
1. Reproduce the circle in figure 7.1 from the text. Add arrows to the circle to indicate the
breadth and depth of one of your casual relationships.
2. Reproduce the circle in figure 7.1 from the text. Add arrows to the circle to indicate the
breadth and depth of one of your intimate relationships.
3. Share your work with your class.
7.4 SKILL BUILDER: Initiating Relationships
Bill Clinton’s success in campaigning for the presidency was attributed in part to his ability to
meet a very large number of people. What are the similarities between initiating personal
relationships and initiating political relationships? What are the differences?
Ask students to discuss how their view of others would differ if they were in politics. Can they
foresee times in their careers when the ability to initiate relationships will be a real asset for
them? How can they practice the necessary skills now?
7.5 SKILL BUILDER: Survivor Mentality
The creators of Survivor-type programs design their games so that the players must eject other
members of their own group and betray their allies. In such programs, the men have been able to
win by forming utilitarian coalitions that allow them to accomplish their goal.
Ask students if they believe the triumph of men over women capture a truth about survival in our
society. What role should mutual caring and cooperation play in our personal lives? If they were
to play a survivor game, how would they react?
Divide students into groups. Ask them to create a new survivor game. What components would
they include in the game? How would people win? Have students share their game plans with the
class.
7.6 SKILL BUILDER: Trust and the Workplace
What do you perceive to be the advantages and disadvantages of workplace romances?
How do you feel about entering into a romantic relationship with a coworker or boss? While
people who work together probably already share a number of interests and the work
environment provides a ready-made setting for meeting and getting to know a potential partner,
do you think you can make a relationship work when you spend not only your work time but also
your free time together?
7,7 SKILL BUILDER: Track Laughs
Observe a favorite television talk show. Note when people laugh on the show and why. Identify
the kinds of comments that precipitate laughter. Count whether women laugh more than men.
Are more of the laughs directed at men or at women?
7.8 SKILL BUILDER: Meeting Online
In your opinion, does communicating over the Internet help build social skills? If so, how? How
does the fact that you do not have to reveal who you really are affect your ability to develop
meaningful relationships in cyberspace? If you had a choice to initiate a relationship online or
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face-to-face, which would you choose? Which relationship stages, if any, do you find more
conducive to online communication?
7.9 SKILL BUILDER: Provide Examples
Provide examples of conversations that change the nature of any of your relationships. If you
prefer, select examples from books or films that change the nature of a relationship. Share your
examples with your team members.
7.10 SKILL BUILDER: Use the 10 Stages
Using the 10 stages of a relationship discussed in the text, chart and describe an imaginary
relationship between two people—Joan and Jean. Share the stages with your team and with your
class.
7.11 SKILL BUILDER: Identify Relationships
Identify relationships in your own live that have stabilized at one or more of Knapp’s coming
together stages: initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, bonding. Share with your
team or the entire class.
7.12 SKILL BUILDER: Relational Dialectics
Using the relational dialectics described in the chapter, describe an imaginary relationship
between a couple—John and Jane Doe.
7.13 SKILL BUILDER: Service Learning
Speak at a local meeting of parents and teachers about the importance of honesty in relationships.
You can limit your topic by focusing on the role of honesty in online interaction, parent-child
interaction, parent-teacher interaction, or friendship. For help in completing this assignment, in
addition to consulting research articles, you may want to search www.coping.org.
7.14 SKILL BUILDER: Identify
Working with your team or a partner, identify how communicating with a friend online compares
and contrasts with communicating face to face. What are the advantages and disadvantages of
each?
7.15 SKILLBUILDER: Listen and View
Ask students to work in groups. The group should select and bring in music and/or films or film
clips that they feel relate to the content of this chapter. Ask them to play the clips and discuss
why they feel they are related to the chapter.
VIDEO SOURCES
Two excellent videos are available to explore lying. The Truth About Lies is a part of the Moyers
Collection. It examines how deception has influenced our personal lives and the public mind.
Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire looks at the culture of the public lie. Can we recapture a culture of
integrity? For both of these videos, contact Films for the Humanities at www.films.com
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WORKSHEETS
Costs and Benefits of Relationships
Use this chart to construct a cost-benefit analysis of a relationship you are now experiencing. On
the basis of this analysis, what is your prognosis for the future of the relationship?
Costs Benefits
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
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Lies, Lies, Lies
1. Report on a situation in which someone lied to you.
Who lied to you?
What was the nature of the lie?
How did you react?
How was your relationship affected?
2. Report on a situation in which you lied to someone.
To whom did you lie?
What was the nature of the lie?
Why did you lie?
How did the other person react on discovering the lie?
How was your relationship affected?
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