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CHAPTER 5
Interpersonal Skills
Resource Guide
The opening page of each chapter in Communicating at Work lists desired learning outcomes. The
Resource Guide will assist you in locating activities and resources from the text and Instructor Manual
that are relevant to each objective.
Chapter Objectives
Resources
List important guidelines for giving effective
praise, raising difficult issues, and offering and
responding to criticism in a non-defensive manner.
Key terms: compromise, descriptive statement,
emotional intelligence, “I” language, organizational
climate, problem-oriented messages, social
intelligence, workplace dignity , “you” language
In the text:
Activities: 1-4, 10
Career Tip: The Art of Apology
Ethical Challenges:
When You Can’t Think of Praise
Is Total Honesty Always the Best Policy?
Instructor’s Manual online:
Personal Reflection for Journaling
Discussion Launchers: 1-8
Classroom Activities: 1-6
Written Application Exercises: 1-3
Explain communication behaviors that exacerbate
and alleviate workplace incivility and bullying.
Key terms: incivility, workplace bullying
In the text:
Case Study: The Cost of Incivility
Career Tip:
Respecting Spirituality in the Workplace
Instructor’s Manual online:
Classroom Activities: 7
Predict the outcomes of various verbal and
nonverbal behaviors with regard to sexual
harassment and explain communication options for
targets of harassment.
Key terms: hostile work environment, quid pro
quo, sexual harassment
Instructor’s Manual online:
Discussion Launchers: 9,10
Classroom Activities: 8
Identify and give examples of key issues that
underlie workplace conflicts. Identify five
approaches to conflicts, explain the advantages and
disadvantages of each of them in specific
situations, and predict likely consequences of each
style in those situations.
In the text:
Activities: 5-8
Culture at Work:
Chinese and Western Negotiating Styles
Self-Assessment:
Your Conflict Management Style
Technology Tip:
Managing Conflicts in Cyberspace
Instructor’s Manual online:
Discussion Launchers: 11-17
Classroom Activities: 9-12
Written Application Exercises: 4,5
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Demonstrate how to plan for and conduct a work-
related negotiation.
Key terms: lose-lose approach, negotiation, win-
lose approach, win-win approach
In the text:
Activities: 9
Instructor’s Manual online:
Classroom Activities: 13
About Chapter 5
This chapter provides substantial opportunities to extend concepts taught in preceding chapters while
teaching new ones. The chapter emphasizes the linkage between emotional intelligence and career
success. One means of increasing emotional intelligence is to help your organization develop a
confirming communication climate. The text draws from Gibb’s work, explaining the communication
behaviors that lead to confirming climates: descriptive “I” language; problem orientation; honesty;
genuine interest in others; respect; and open-mindedness.
This is an ideal time to review intentional and unintentional communication and explore ways in
which psychological noise may prevent persons from believing they are valued as employees or
coworkers. As you teach students to construct and deliver concrete praise and appropriate criticism, you
can review and reinforce skills from previous chapters, such as low-level abstractions, trigger words, and
biased language. When you are teaching non-defensive responses to criticism, include a review of
listening skills. When you are teaching negotiation, review the skill of paraphrasing.
This chapter addresses current troubling workplace issues such as incivility, bullying, and sexual
harassment. A link is drawn between these concerns and our use of confirming or disconfirming
language. Moreover, it is the impact, not the intent, of behavior that influences whether behaviors are
uncivil or harassing. Both involve conduct that is, from the recipient’s point of view, unwelcome. This
section is also a place to underscore again that, however unintentional behavior may be, communication
takes place when others attach meaning to and/or are affected by a coworker’s conduct. Realistic
strategies for managing such disturbances are presented. In addition, a career tip addresses appropriate
ways to communicate about spirituality in the workplace, reinforcing the need for sensitivity to the
spiritual practices of all cultures.
The segment on handling conflicts reinforces what was previously taught regarding cultural
preferences for dealing with conflict (directly or indirectly). The chapter itself is an example of how most
methods for managing conflict and negotiations taught in U.S. educational systems reflect the low-context
nature of U.S. business cultures. Throughout the discussions of negotiation and conflict styles, this
fundamental idea is bolstered: There are myriad choices and options when communicating at work.
Personal Reflection for Individual Journaling Assignment
Describe a situation when you responded defensively to criticism. Why did you respond defensively?
Did your response improve the situation in any way? Now, describe how you could reenact this
scenario using advice from this chapter about responding to criticism. Imagine a different outcome.
What would it be?
Discussion Launchers
1. Describe a situation in which you had to work with someone who communicated in an unpleasant
way (see Table 5-1). What effect did this have on you? On your coworkers? On the productivity
of the organization? Explain your answers.
2. If someone tells you that the climate at their workplace is very supportive, what pictures or
mental images come to mind for you? What attitudes and behaviors do you associate with a
supportive work climate? Do your images correspond to those outlined in the discussion of
Gibb’s communication climate?
3. Consider the following quotation from Tom Peters, The Pursuit of WOW!:
“In the age of e-mail, supercomputer power on the desktop, the Internet, and the raucous
global village, attentiveness—a token of human kindness—is the greatest gift we can give
someone.”
Does this quotation contradict or support Jack Gibb’s vision of a confirming communication
climate? Explain your answer.
4. What can one person in a negative, disconfirming environment do to create a more confirming
climate?
5. Is it possible to maintain a supportive climate when you disagree strongly with another person’s
ideas? When you have a personality clash with another person? If so, how might you go about it?
If not, why not?
6. One of the keys to leadership is the ability to empower subordinates. How can you empower
employees through praise? Is it possible to give too much praise or to praise ineffectively? If so,
how can you differentiate between constructive and non-constructive praise?
7. Think of at least three times when you have responded defensively to criticism. What were the
consequences? Based on your examples, try to determine which social situations or relational
circumstances tend to make you feel defensive. Consider how you could use the guidelines from
this chapter to respond more constructively to similar situations in the future.
8. Why do you believe that criticism is often so difficult for individuals to hear? Which listening
skills from Chapter 3 can you integrate to improve your ability to respond more constructively to
criticism? What strategies do you use when you give criticism to others? Do your strategies
allow the other to save face?
9. What impact do high-publicity sexual harassment cases have on you? Do recent cases send clear
or unclear messages about acceptable and unacceptable workplace behaviors? How do these cases
affect behavior in the workplace?
10. This chapter presents six possible responses to sexual harassment. What are the possible
advantages and disadvantages of each approach? If it trusted coworker confided in you that they
were being sexually harassed on the job, what advice would you give them?
11. What would be the probable results for an employee who tries to eliminate all conflict on the job?
At home with the family? Is eliminating conflict a realistic goal? Why or why not?
12. Of all the conflict styles, which do you think has the potential to be the most damaging to a
career? Why? How would you rank-order the styles from potentially the most to the least
damaging? Explain.
13. Recall a conflict you have recently participated in. Analyze the conflict to determine which style
of conflict management each party was using. Based on Table 5-4, did you and the other party
choose the most constructive styles in this situation? If so, how did you choose those styles? If
not, what could you to ensure that you make a wiser choice in your next conflict?
14. If you were giving an orientation for new employees on how best to manage conflict
constructively, what are the top four things you would advise?
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15. Besides the situations discussed in the text, can you think of times when avoiding would be the
BEST choice of conflict style? When would accommodating be the best choice? When would
competing be the best choice?
16. Have you ever experienced negative consequences when you tried to use the compromising
approach to conflict? Describe your experience. How might you have prevented the negative
consequences?
17. What is the most difficult aspect about choosing which negotiating or conflict style to use and
when? What kinds of situations make these choices particularly difficult?
Classroom Activities
1. Emotional Intelligence
Objective: This activity acquaints students with the concept of emotional intelligence, and helps them
understand the correspondence between emotional intelligence and confirming communication climates.
Procedure: Distribute copies of an article that summarizes emotional intelligence, such as “Developing
Emotional Intelligence,” available free at http://eqi.org/eitoc.htm
or a self-quiz with analysis, available at http://www.haygroup.com/TL/ .
Class Discussion: Summarize with students some of the main concepts of emotional intelligence.
Compare these concepts to Gibb’s supportive climate. Discuss similarities and differences between the
two concepts. Ask students to explain how emotional intelligence and confirming climates contribute to
organizational functioning.
2. Defense-Reducing and Defense-Arousing Messages
Objective: This activity provides students with additional information about creating a supportive
climate.
Procedure: Ask students to refer to Table 5-2 “Defense-Reducing and Defense–Arousing Messages.”
Point out to students that it is the perception of the receiver, not the intention of the sender, that tends
to determine whether a supportive or a defensive climate exists. While there may be factors beyond our
control, such as the other person’s personal problems, mood, or generally defensive nature, we can
contribute to a more supportive climate by adopting a receiver orientation and considering whether our
behaviors are likely to be perceived in a way that contributes to supportiveness or defensiveness in the
workplace.
Class Discussion: Elicit specific situations from students’ own experiences that illustrate each aspect of
defensive climate. Next, elicit suggestions for how the defensiveness might be transformed into
supportiveness. Remind students that they can only change their own communication; they can’t change
another person. Thus, a suggestion such as “the company should get a new manager” would not be
realistic.
3. Comparing Judgmental Language with Descriptive Language
Objective: Students will practice identifying judgmental and descriptive sentences. They will revise
judgmental statements into descriptive ones.
Procedure: Review with students the differences between descriptive “I” statements versus judgmental
“you” statements. Point out that statements can sometimes be judgmental even though they start with “I.”
These are called counterfeit “I” statements. Conversely, statements can sometimes be descriptive even
though they contain “you.”
Distribute to pairs of students a list of statements. Ask them to label these statements J for judgmental or
D for descriptive. If they find any judgmental statements, they should revise them into descriptive
statements. Here are some examples:
• I think Melinda is pretty spacey.
• Ross really bugs me.
• I get nervous when I have to answer all the phones because you’re taking a 20-minute
break instead of a 15-minute break.
• I tell you, my boss sure is a nincompoop.
• When you put your pop on my table just now, it left a white ring that I’m having trouble
wiping off.
• I wish you would stop acting so ignorant.
• When you answer the phone promptly, we keep our customers happy.
• I feel like you’re an idiot.
After students have completed their revisions, ask them to write down two judgmental statements they
have made this week and then revise them into descriptive statements. The each group should devise a
guideline for differentiating judgmental statements from descriptive statements.
Class Discussion: After students have completed the exercise, elicit some of their revisions, and discuss
them with the class. Invite the class to help them modify their statements if necessary, to end up with true
descriptive language. When students clearly understand how to change a judgment into a description,
follow with questions such as:
• How can you tell the difference between a judgmental statement and a descriptive
statement?
• How do you react when another person makes a judgment about you?
• What effect do you create when you make a judgmental statement about another person?
• How can you catch yourself when you are about to say something judgmental?
• Is it ever OK to use judgmental statements as jokes (e.g., “Brad, you’re such a weirdo.”).
If so, when is it OK? If not, why not?
4. Offering Constructive Feedback
Objective: Students will learn to construct messages that are problem oriented (focused on solving the
problem) rather than person oriented (controlling) and to confirm rather than disconfirm coworkers.
Procedure: Begin this exercise with a class discussion. Ask students to recall situations when they have
used disconfirming language or when someone has spoken to them using disconfirming language. What
were the consequences? Together with the class, revise disconfirming statements into confirming
messages, using the guidelines from the text. After modeling a few revisions with the entire class,
distribute a list of disconfirming statements (see sample below). Groups of students will then revise the
statements into confirming statements. Point out to students that they might need to change the content of
the message slightly to turn a disconfirmation into a confirming statement.
Sample list of nonconfirming statements:
• It’s about time you showed up.
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• If only you would help me when I need it.
• You’ve done a lousy job on this report.
• You had better start multitasking, or you’ll be out looking for a new job.
• Why don’t you ever have the supplies set up on time?
• You are so difficult to deal with.
Class Discussion: Ask students which characteristics of Gibb’s supportive climate were most helpful
during this exercise. Find out what difficulties students encountered in revising the statements. Inquire
whether they prefer the revised versions. If so, why? If not, why not?
5. Role Play: Giving Constructive Feedback
Objective: Students will apply what they’ve learned in this chapter about delivering praise and criticism
effectively.
Procedure: Review with the class various strategies for delivering feedback in workplace settings (see
the sections on Giving Praise, Raising Difficult Issues, and Responding to Criticism). Divide students
into pairs. Student A will confide in Student B one action an employer might want them to change and
one action they might receive praise for. Student B will then use the appropriate guidelines to deliver two
components of a performance appraisal: commending the employee for tasks she or he has done well and
pointing out areas that need improvement. Student A will respond appropriately to the praise and critique,
again using guidelines from the text. Students should then switch roles. After all pairs have completed
this exercise, ask a few volunteers to role-play their critiques in front of the class.
Class Discussion: Were you able to deliver feedback that was descriptive, focused on solving the
problem, honest, concerned with other, equal, and open minded? How did it feel to receive such
feedback? How did it feel to give such feedback? Which guidelines were easiest to follow? Which were
most challenging? Why? If a similar feedback session took place in your supervisor’s office, would the
context change your perceptions or your behaviors? Why or why not?
6. Receiving Criticism
Objective: Students will notice the difference between defensive versus nondefensive responses to
criticism.
Procedure: Ask for two student volunteers to role-play a scene in which one person is criticizing the
other person. Here are a few examples:
• a client throws a fit because she doesn’t like the haircut you gave her
• a customer gets angry at an employee because her special order didn’t arrive on time
• an employee gets impatient with a customer who is taking too long too decide which blouse
she wants to buy while lots of other customers are waiting to use the dressing room
• a supervisor scolds you for not balancing the books correctly
• a coworker from the night shift leaves you a nasty note because you didn’t finish shelving the
new shipment of items you received that day; you call him to discuss it
For the first role-play, students will give and receive criticism defensively. Limit the length of
this role-play so students don’t carry it on too long. Next, ask students to repeat the role-play, but
this time you will ask them to stop after each negative remark. Ask the class how they could
respond to the remark in a nondefensive manner. Alternatively, you may wish to demonstrate a
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nondefensive response yourself. Then repeat the process with a new example of criticism. This
time, allow the student actors to demonstrate both the defensive and nondefensive approaches.
Class Discussion: Help motivate students to want to respond nondefensively.
• When you are responding to a critical remark, what outcome would you like? Why?
• Although your first reaction is probably to respond defensively, how would a defensive
response affect the other person?
• Would a defensive response help or hinder you in accomplishing your desired outcome?
Why?
• How can you remember to respond nondefensively?
• What can you do if the other person keeps attacking you?
Additional Follow-Up: After students have worked through a few examples of responding non-
defensively to critics, group them in trios. Within each trio, let Student A deliver a criticism, Student B
receive the criticism, and Student C take notes. After each student has rotated through all three positions,
conduct one more debriefing. Have students report to the class what was easiest and most difficult about
performing this exercise.
7. Working with Bullies
Objective: Students will practice various strategies for dealing with incivility and bullying in the
workplace.
Procedure: Prior to the class in which you conduct this activity, assign students to read the following
articles:
• Deal With Bad Behavior At Work To Spur Productivity
[available at http://news.investors.com/article/608198/201204181356/bullying–at-work-kills-teamwork-
productivity.htm?Ntt=confront-office-bullies ]
• Bullies in the Workplace
[available at http://hotjobs.yahoo.com/career-articles-bullies_in_the_workplace-298 ]
In class, divide students into groups. Instruct each group to use strategies from Chapter 5 and from these
two articles to create role plays, illustrating one or more possible conversations with a workplace bully,
aimed at managing the situation productively. Advise students to avoid the extremes of (a) over
dramatizing their role play or (b) enacting a bully that is too easily pacified (and thus, not realistic).
Class Discussion: After each role play, ask the class to
• identify the strategies used.
• consider how realistic the role play was.
• propose additional suggestions for managing the situation.
8. Sexual Harassment Case Studies
Objective: This activity initiates a discussion of sexual harassment types and possible resolutions.
Procedure: Divide the class into several groups. Distribute the handout titled “Case Studies for Sexual
Harassment Discussion” (see the worksheets at the end of this section) or supply some of your own case
studies. For each case study, groups will
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• decide whether these actions illustrate sexual harassment, and if so, what type of sexual
harassment is involved (quid pro quo or hostile work environment)
• consider the impact of this communication on the organizational climate
• discuss pros and cons of various methods for attempting to resolve the issue
Class Discussion: Ask groups to share and compare their responses.
9. Types of Conflict
Objective: Students will identify the underlying source of a conflict, detect conflict styles used by
participants, and propose a constructive course of action based on the guidelines from the text.
Procedure: Divide the class into groups of five or six students. Ask each group to choose a conflict that
one of its members is currently experiencing or has recently experienced. The group will then analyze the
conflict. First, have them identify what the conflict is about. Next, they should pinpoint which styles of
conflict participants are using. Finally, the groups should draw upon guidelines from the text to suggest
ways to manage the conflict constructively.
Class Discussion: Before you begin this discussion, advise students that it is permissible not to share
information about their conflict with the class if it is too personal. (It’s not likely that students will choose
not to speak, but stating this choice up front demonstrates sound ethics on the instructor’s part and helps
create a climate of trust in the classroom.) You can stimulate conversation by asking questions such as
• What outcome did you intend to achieve in the conflict?
• To the best of your knowledge, what outcome did the other party intend to achieve?
• Were both parties aware of the nature of the conflict (that is, what the conflict was really about)?
• Did each party’s conflict communication behaviors help or hinder her or him in accomplishing
her or his goal?
• Based on guidelines found in this text, offer suggestions to help the participants achieve their
goals.
10. Approaches to Conflict
Objective: The goal of this activity is to help students understand the role that conflict performs in their
everyday interactions, whether at work or within interpersonal relationships.
Procedure: Discuss with the class various styles of responding to conflict and the material contained in
Table 5-4 (Factors Governing Choice of Conflict Style). Assign students to groups, and instruct each
group to select a communication conflict situation that one of the members has experienced. Allow 5 to
10 minutes for groups to prepare a short skit displaying one style of conflict management—avoiding,
accommodating, competing, collaborating, or compromising. As groups are creating their role plays, have
them prepare to discuss the questions listed below with the entire class. The rest of the class will be
responsible for identifying which style each group is enacting. Follow with discussion about how to
manage each type of situation.
Class Discussion: The following questions could be used to encourage students to talk about this issue.
• What was the source of each conflict?
• Which style of conflict management would be most effective in each situation? Why?
• Why is “compromise” not advocated as the most effective style of conflict management for
most situations?
11. How Assertive Are You?
Objective: The purpose of this activity is to have students critically think about how assertive, avoidant,
or competitive they might be in a variety of situations.
Procedure: Distribute copies of the handout titled “How Assertive Are You?” (see the worksheets at the
end of this section). Instruct students to jot down how they would probably respond to each situation and
then categorize their responses as assertive, avoidant, or competitive. Students should write down their
first impressions rather than take a long time to decide what the ideal response would be.
Class Discussion: With students referring at Table 5-4 “Factors Governing Choice of a Conflict Style,”
discuss various possible responses to each situation. Class discussion could focus on students’ ability to
distinguish among assertive, avoidant, or competitive behavior as well as the following:
• Which types of behaviors are you most likely to use? Why?
• What types of situations caused you to choose one behavior over another?
• Are there times when one behavior is more appropriate than others?
• How do you know which type of behavior is most appropriate in a given situation?
• How might our culture influence the responses we choose?
• How might our personal histories influence our choices?
12. Exaggerated Conflict Resolution Styles
Objective: Students should be able to identify and understand the characteristics of each of the five
conflict-resolution styles.
Procedure: Divide the class into groups of six students. Assign to each member a different conflict style
(avoiding, accommodating, competing, collaborating, and compromising). For the duration of this
activity, all group members are to interact using their assigned mode of conflict communication. The
remaining member will observe the group process. Explain to students that this activity will seem very
fake, but ask their cooperation in going along with the exercise for the sake of learning about the various
modes of conflict.
Select a current controversy relevant to your campus or community. Examples are how to get students
more involved in student government, how to improve the resources of the Career Center (without
spending significant amounts of additional money), or how to help freshmen integrate into the campus
community. Each group’s task is to discuss the issue, attempting to come to a consensus on how to
resolve this problem.
Class Discussion: After about five minutes, close the group discussions, and move to a class discussion
format. Ask questions such as
• How did it feel to be interacting with others who were stuck in one conflict communication
style?
• Which combinations of styles were most troublesome? Which were most productive?
• Which styles are most likely to achieve consensus? Which styles inhibit consensus?
• What types of characteristics are associated with each style of conflict resolution?
• What are the advantages of having group members who use differing conflict styles?
• What types of strategies could you employ when dealing with individuals who are using the
avoiding, accommodating, competing, collaborating, and compromising techniques?
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13. Win-Win Negotiation
Objective: The purpose of this activity is to provide students with an opportunity to practice the first
three steps in the win-win negotiating style.
Procedure: Make a copy for each of your students of the handout titled “Win-Win Negotiating” located
at the end of this section. Working in pairs, the students should select one of the negotiation scenarios and
work through the first three steps of conducting a negotiation.
Class Discussion: After students have worked through the process in pairs, elicit their responses to each
of the three steps. Additional class discussion could focus on the following questions:
• Were you able to find any superordinate goals (shared goals that both persons deem more
important than winning their own way)?
• Could you identify any overlapping needs between the two persons in the case? If so, did you
create a solution that satisfied those needs?
• Were there some needs that were incongruent? If so, how did you manage them?
• Which styles of conflict management did you use as you negotiated?
• What impact might your attitude toward the other person have on the kind and number of
solutions you propose?
• What impact does the process of negotiating have on a relationship?
• How might the negotiating process affect your respect for yourself and the others?
• How did your solutions compare to those of your classmates?
Written Application Exercises
1. Creating Descriptive Statements
Write down at least three “you–statements” you used (or heard someone else using) this week. Convert
these you-statements to “I–statements.” What impact does the use of you– versus I-statements have on
your communication and on your relationships?
2. Defense-Reducing and Defense-Arousing Messages
Why is defense-reducing language more productive than defensive-arousing language? Write two
examples of defensive communication: one in which you were the sender, and one in which you were the
receiver. From these examples, identify several aspects of defensive communication (see Table 5-2).
What were the consequences of the defensive interactions? Revise the defensive messages into defense-
reducing messages.
3. Raising Difficult Issues
Practice raising difficult issues non-defensively by choosing two of the following situations, or creating
your own situations. Write out the exact words you would say to make your point. Use descriptive, not
evaluative language. You may ask the other person to “help” solve your problem if you wish. What
consequences would you expect from each of your messages?
Situations:
a. A colleague at work continues to ask you out on a date but you’re just not interested. You’ve
used every polite excuse in the book and now feel you have to be more direct and more honest.
b. A friend asks you to lie; it’s a small lie—signing a petition saying you will vote for a particular
candidate when you really won’t. You really don’t want to lie but neither do you want to
disappoint your friend.
c. Your college roommate has developed a small business selling term papers and uses your
jointly owned computer to store them. Though you’ve remained silent about this for some time,