Reacting Defensively to Suggestions
I used to volunteer for a roller derby league in North Carolina. I would normally
help conduct practices, keep score, and set up the track. One day they were short a
referee and asked if I could help out. I was new to it and wasn’t sure how to make calls
on fouls that I may have witnessed. A week had passed and eventually one of the
skaters came up to me and said that I should feel free to call a foul if I see one. I looked
at her hurt because I had assumed she was implying that I wasn’t being helpful or that I
had overlooked a foul earlier. I began avoiding her for a while because I thought she
was mad at me or that she didn’t appreciate me.
It took some reflecting to understand that perhaps there wasn’t any malice
behind her statement. It’s possible she just wanted me to feel comfortable during
practice and that she wouldn’t be offended if I called a foul on her. I’m still not sure
which is true because I never bothered to ask. This also made me paranoid that
potentially other teammates found me to be not a very useful member to the league. I
assumed the worst and made an assumption. In return she might now be confused
about why our friendship began to dwindle. It’s not fair to her to make her wonder if she
had done something wrong or if she was somehow at fault. Looking back I wish I had
handled the situation differently. My friendships mean a lot to me and I’m disappointed
that I’m to blame for losing a friend. Small mistakes like these can have big impacts so
it’s important to handle them appropriately.
What I should have done when I heard her say that “I should feel free to call a
foul if I see one” is ask her there to clarify if I had by chance missed one. She might
respond by saying “yes, you did” or “no, I just didn’t hear you make too many calls so I